Feeling very left out and sad

I bet you feel a bit sad, I would too. Can you mention it to your family and tell them how you feel.

Maybe the MIL bought the tickets and treated everyone? It might not be that you were consciously left out.

I do understand, as although I'm not a granny yet, I know that if I am blessed with grandchildren I will be 'the other granny' unless something radical happens, as both of my children live in different towns miles from me, and their ILs live near them. I would love to be able to help with childcare, but it won't happen as we are too far away. I could maybe go and stay in the holidays, but even that's not the same as the day to day contact that my sister has with her grandchildren, who all live in the same town.

Try not to be hurt? Can you organise something to give your DILs some time off? I don't know the ages or numbers of the grandchildren, so it might be too much, but could you have them to you for a sleepover - a film night with pizza or something similar that's fun without being too much like hard work? You could make it a pyjama party with streamers and hats, if age appropriate. My children loved that kind of thing.

The age of the other mums is irrelevant, as is your gippy knee, you want to be involved and they should appreciate that. I would probably be a bit upset too after all they could have invited you to the panto and you would then decline because of your knee, is nice to be included even if you can’t make it.
Would try speaking to your sons about this, I know you probably don’t want to make a fuss but just say you would like to be a bit more involved with the GCs? Your gippy knee considered.
I do wish more DiLs would think hard about how they divvy up time spent with GCs, and about what they post on FB.

Mums and daughters rule okay?
That’s the norm but I can appreciate how hurt you are feeling crazyH. It must sting.

But can you try to turn this on its head?

Maybe the girls are thanking their mums for the childcare help they’ve provided?

Try not to feel sidelined. I’m sure it’s not done to hurt you. In fact it’s about them IYSWIM.

Perhaps a big smile, a genuinely nice “did you all have a good time?” And arrange a catch up in a local cafe when they get back. Tea and cake could help smooth things nicely as you all live in the same town.

Chin up. x

Can you use this as an opportunity to see your sons on their own, have them over for a meal or something? In busy households it can be difficult to find time for one-to-one chats but here’s a chance.

Thankyou x
Btw what is IYSWIM ?

Apologies crazyH.
It’s if you see what I mean. 😁

Nice idea SueDonim - I will check with them but one son works away a lot and the other, works all the hours and will probably be glad for a quiet few days 😂

Oh i see FGT2 👍

They have 2 kids each - similar ages and they get along well, as do the ds.i.l., which is great. Makes my sons happy. I suppose that’s all that matters.

Ages : 9 and 6; 9 and 6

Yes Babs - I don’t want to make a fuss and tell my sons how I feel. I just have to grin and bear it, as they say.

Thankyou 60no and Doodledog

I think as we get older there are lots of things we just need to accept. I have a very dodgy system and am not able to join in with lots of physical things as I just don't have the physical or constitutional capacity. I wish the young'uns a great time and ask them to tell me about it when they get back. We can't all be part of everything. Be glad they have the time, people, and money to be able to enjoy their outings. When I look back 40 years, I too, was out there doing all those things, but now it is really all beyond me. I am sure they don't mean it personally and perhaps don't want to put you under pressure.

When I felt the same about my son’s family outings it was suggested by a friend the woman’s side of the family tend to get the most time in the majority of families. I’m thinking it’s true.

Definitely wouldn't have a word with your sons about it. If they bring it up with wives it won't go well. Rise above it and when you see them ask how their break went. If people want go see you they will. Plan a day when you can see your grandchildren. I'm afraid girls usually spend more timed with their family. My d doesn't she estranged me but most do. I've had to learn to care but not too much

I am the "second" grandmother in one of our Adult children's lives.

I'm truly grateful that the "other" grandmother is hands on with school, lifts, activities etc and always off with the children (and my daughter-in-law) somewhere or other - theme parks, local events, and (yesterday) the panto in our nearest city. I don't do any of these things regularly but when they visit I do give the children time.

Recently the other grandfather dropped off the grandchildren with us (as they had to do something unexpectedly) and my son and daughter-in-law were elsewhere. He said later "I can't believe how excitedly they ran to the door and skipped in and immediately settled in to play as though they were home"

So yes, enjoy your time with them but don't feel you have to go anywhere to be important to the grandchildren.

Regarding your son, as Sue and others have said, can you use this as an opportunity to see your sons on their own, - This is what we do when the other grandmother takes her daughter and the grandchildren away. He is always pleased to have a quiet and chatty visit - and home cooking. It gives me the opportunity to truly spoil him. I really love my adult children and a day or an evening with them without the distraction of the rest of their family is a great treat.

If you frame this differently in your head you will feel happier... I say, how lovely to go to the panto with Nanna. How lucky you are to have a Nanna who takes you on holiday. I tell her "you are a great grandmother to the children" and "I'm so grateful that you support my son's little family so much".
I do believe this. I AM grateful that my son's in-laws give him and his wife so much help.
Please don't be jealous.
Love does not run out - it is not limited and won't all be spent before the little ones visit you.

Yes daughters do usually veer towards their own families, bearing in mind, they are usually or often doing the majority of child rearing, provided the mother daughter relationship is good it would be natural to turn to your own mum for help or advice
I liked my mother in law a lot but it was my mum I would turn too
Both my daughters have come to me for help not their mother in laws and my son is the other side of the world a road away from his in laws ! ( says it all)

It is difficult I know. We go from being one of the lynch pins of family life for decades and then gradually this drifts away from us, and it is easy to feel like a total irrelevance.

It is especially difficult at the moment as, rather than being someone for my family to turn to, I have become someone for them to worry about since my heart episode and stent. I would not choose to be that person. But that is inevitably the role I am now cast in.

Another mild blow is that the holiday I have gone on with one DD and family for many years at Easter is not going to happen - they are going elsewhere. They have suggested that I might like to hire a small place where they are going, but it feels very different from being invited along. I get it - they have busy lives; they want their holiday to be a real relaxation rather than a week of having to take me into account with my dicky ticker and mobility problems - I totally understand and endorse that, but it is one more thing to get a grip on - one more loss in a whole succession of losses.

Interestingly my friends see me in a very different way. They are kind and concerned when my health problems hold me up in some way, but they see me as many other things: choir leader, concert trip organiser, publicity designer, village hall trustee, active U3A member etc. etc. But I guess they do not have the same sense of responsibility as family.

Like the OP, I have to bite the bullet on the fact that one of my DD's MILs is being much more involved in child care this half term because she is 10 or more years young and much fitter.

It is a time of transition - I do not wish to speculate towards what!!

Thankyou AL, for your kind and sensible comments. As NotSphaghetti said ‘if you frame this differently in your head’ you will feel happier’. And as Luckygirl said ‘it’s a time of transition’ and I have to accept it.
You are all so wise. I think I am hypersensitive because I am divorced and alone and spend too much dwelling on things that should be buried and and forgotten.
I feel better this morning, despite the awful weather. Thankyou xx

ALL - not AL

crazyH although it doesn't help you now, I'm not on Facebook (except as a business) and don't follow or look at anything my family is posting on there.

Be grateful that your adult children and their children have another family who is "looking out" for and loving them.
You really can't have "too much" love.
❤️

I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I would be the same. People can be thoughtless. I have experience of this but it was with DD's friend's mother. Lost of theatre, cinema, meals out with her friend and her mum but I was never invited. I was hurt and upset. In fact my first ever post on GN was about this. Things are better now and I hope they will improve for you too.

I have 2 DIL's and both are very close with their parents so I know how it is to be the 'second grandma'. But I'm happy for the grandchildren as so many people care about them and give them good times and experiences that I can't. eg, holidays abroad, kayaking, expensive meals out etc. One family provides cousins too, which is lovely and probably are friends for life.

I think in your case there is the added fact of both pairs of children bonding and the DIL's being close, which is great for all concerned.

I have no advice, just to provide what works for you and that you are happy to do with each family. It may be that each pair or each individual would like individual, personal time with you. I know I always remember the interesting talks I had with my grandmother, and just picking blackberries or shelling peas with her, watching her make jam or cakes...there are lots of ways to bond with a child.