Any advice on how to forgive?

I know someone who ticks a lot of the NPD traits.
Personally, I consider her to be quite ill.

Nothing to forgive if a person is "ill", in my opinion.

But that is my slant on things.
Others may think differently.

You sound as if you want to pick at a wound.
Narcissists are well known for hurting themselves just as much as anyone else.

Your son will move on, so perhaps you should too, because it wasn't your marriage, it was his.

LR10

She has been formally diagnosed. Perhaps 'forgive' was the wrong word, I want to be able to feel some kind of empathy and understanding. I know now about the condition of NPD but I am finding it difficult to completely accept that the harm and hurt that has been done was because of her illness - especially when her behaviour to the outside world is so deceptive.

BPD is now called Emotional disregulation disorder which is instability in emotion, behaviour and functioning.. It is very difficult to treat and the person with it inevitably causes a lot of damage within relationships.. I think that understanding through reading and research will possibly help you...

Why do you want to feel empathy for her?
Why do you want to feel anything in regard to her?
She is not part of your life is she?

It’s a horrible situations isn’t it. My daughter was in marriage with a husband like this and when she left his abuse towards her and his sons became even worse. One of the children it off all contact with his dad when he was 12 as he could see how damaging it was but his brothers still sees him. The evil messages he still sends my daughter about her and their sons continue and she can’t discontinue all contact because of the son who still see his dad.

Forgiveness is so very hard ,as is forgetting.
As you say , the bitterness builds and it harms only you . It can make you ill or further damage your life.
Your ex DIL does not care. She is not suffering your pain.
I have lived this.
You can't forget but you can forgive.
Forgiveness is not a single, one time action or decision.
It is daily choice that is hard but gets easier with practice and time.
The idea of writing a letter and burning it may help facilitate this decision
For your own sake , your wellbeing and that of your family, you must start making this daily choice.
Forgive daily then move on through the day. Do not ruminate on DIL . She and her legacy must not be allowed to further damage your life.
She doesn't care nor does she deserve it.
I don't know if you have a faith.
Even if you don't a book called
" Forgive and forget : healing the hurts you don't deserve " by Lewis Smedes really helped me.
I do have a faith but I have lent my copy to many none Christian friends and they have found it helpful.
Good luck and very best wishes

You are right that being unable to forgive is harming you rather than her. I myself would not call this bearing a grudge, as this woman has done a lot of harm and far too much time went by before anyone realised why she was behaving as she was.

Try to focus on the fact that your ex DIL is ill, and from what I know of her condition (which is admittedly not much) she cannot to a very great extent either control her behaviour or behave more in accordance with society's norms and accepted "normal" behaviour.

Ask yourself if you would find it hard to forgive her if a terminal cancer, or Alzheimer's was causing her manipulative and disruptive and harmful behaviour?

My guess is you would find it easier because we have all been brought up to regard mental illness as something that can't be talked openly of, and many of us have a sneaking feeling that a person "ought" to be able to control the darker side of their personality. This poor woman cannot do so, so she is to be pitied, not forgiven.

Forgivness is needed when someone intentionally and in the full knowledge of the fact that they were acting wrongly hurt us, or when they inadvertently hurt us, but are capable of realising that they did wrong.

This is no more the case here, than it would be if a blind person walked into you, knocking you off your feet. We who can see are obliged to move out of the way of the blind, or tell them that we are in front of them with no possiblity of moving out of their path.

Try to concentrate on the part of the family you do still see and continue repairing the damage you have all suffered. I think you can do this best if you all can realise that your former DIL is the victim of a serious illness that she has not caused herself in any way.

LR10

She has been formally diagnosed. Perhaps 'forgive' was the wrong word, I want to be able to feel some kind of empathy and understanding. I know now about the condition of NPD but I am finding it difficult to completely accept that the harm and hurt that has been done was because of her illness - especially when her behaviour to the outside world is so deceptive.

Do you think that's what she'd want - for you to empathise - or having moved on herself would she rather you just stopped thinking about her and her condition? I am not sure what you want the end result to be and what useful difference it will make to anyone if you get there? Sorry this sounds a bit snippy but I've got this pragmatic streak to me that insists on being expressed

Would writing it down at length and then tearing the paper up or burning it help,then treasure what you have now,hope this helps.

She has been formally diagnosed. Perhaps 'forgive' was the wrong word, I want to be able to feel some kind of empathy and understanding. I know now about the condition of NPD but I am finding it difficult to completely accept that the harm and hurt that has been done was because of her illness - especially when her behaviour to the outside world is so deceptive.

Two words I have found helpful in these sort of circumstances are:
1. Forgiveness is a DECISION not a feeling.
2. Don't use the word unforgivable but instead say INDEFENSIBLE.
This helps me to let go of any unpleasant memories and therefore I avoid having wrong thoughts which ultimately are harmful only to me.
I hope this can help you too.

Grandmabatty

I suggest you delete any way she has of contacting you. If you are hearing second hand, tell the person you don't want to know. If it's your son, suggest gently that he goes for counselling as an independent person might be better. You don't need to forgive, just be disinterested

Agree with this. Definitely nothing to forgive.

Netflix My Wife, My Abuser Captured on Camera. I watched this in shock and horror

DR. PHIL talks about Narcissism on YOU TUBE, highly recommend you see it. He will explain that with Narcissists ,you are either their adoring fan or their enemy, they hardly ever seek therapy because they think everyone, but them, needs it.

Ramblingrose 22 You have grown into a wise, caring person. You have broken the circle of behaviour your mother had, well done you.

Me neither.
I park it up, in my head, and leave it there, but there's no going back if someone has wronged me.

I don't do forgiveness. If you've wronged me (for whatever reason), best believe I will never forget nor forgive it. What I will do is draw a line under the situation and move on. But that 'wrong' will always be there.

An essential part of forgiveness is that the person who has wronged you and your family has regret for what they have done. In this case it seems there is none - and having endured a person with NPD in our family for some years, there will be none. They cannot be judged by any normal standards - they have no normal standards. Others are there to be used, abused, and they just don't care. We were told that this disorder is untreatable, as the individual is never wrong - they cannot accept or acknowledge that they have any condition that needs correcting by a lesser person. If this is what you have to deal with, then trying to forget is possibly the answer. Life goes forwards, not backwards, and this person is in the past; I wish you well with the healing process, both you and your family. x

NPD is a sickness that cannot be forgiven. It ruins lives and there seems to be no cure.
My ex is either a nacissist or an enabler. I feel no need to forgive him. He did what pleased him on the spur of the moment, not once but several times. I now know he has left a trail of damaged women - and children - behind him and feels no resposibility whatever. In his warped mind, he is perfect; it's always someone else's fault.
I blame myself for being sucked into his orbit but there's no reason I can see to forgive him.

Forgiving is not forgetting.

It's remembering and letting go.

Perhaps accept and ignore is better than dwelling on the past.

I saw this yesterday but it's relevant at any time:

in theory forgiveness is easy but in practice it isn't. the best way I have found is to put the feelings in "a box" and put that box in a shelf in your mind. accept that you have been hurt but there is nothing you can do anything to change it. Mental illness is usually a condition without any cure

I think the word "forgive" is not helpful because it tends to suggest that you accept/condone what has happened and have let the perpetrator off. Someone else (Fred Plotkin?) has also written an essay on forgiveness that the OP may wish to google.

Forgiveness is not compulsory - or, as some have posted, always possible - and no-one should feel bad or guilty if they find themselves unable to forgive.
There was a forgiveness project (and a book about forgiveness) with some interesting stories, from which I noticed that those who found it easiest to forgive was where the perpetrator had apologised or shown genuine remorse.

I was bullied for over 50 years by my late mother and I have never forgiven her and never will. But I accept that she had a personality disorder and was a very damaged individual who couldn't help herself. This does not excuse her behaviour though - it merely helps to explain it.

Accepting that this happened is still hard because of the impact her behaviour had on me and my ability to form relationships. On the evening of Hallowe'en I gave some treats to some children tricking and treating and got quite emotional when their mothers thanked me as I never received any kind words from my mother. But I am grateful that I managed to form a few happy relationships that have been fulfilling and long-lasting despite her nastiness etc.

I do understand the words of wisdom above, but we're all made up differently, I found it very hard to forgive betrayal because it ruined lives. I would say find what works best for you after reading all the advice, Because we all tick differently - I've started to believe in angels again, I'm just as I did when I was younger, If I couldn't deal with something emotionally, I would say I give that to God! Somehow it worked for me to treat back then, Now, I'm not so sure