Any advice on how to forgive?

Why do you need to forgive? You don't need to bear a grudge but if she is now your son's ex wife just move on and leave her in the past.

Have you looked at a ritual called Cutting the Ties That Bind.. by Phyllis Krystal.. you can google it.. that might help you to move on..

Enjoy and make the most of the life you have LR10. Be thankful that your son has finally become free of her and that he and your GC are still a part of your life.

As anna has posted she's your son's ex so leave her in the past.
Forgiveness may come with time, it may not but either way, don't let thoughts about it consume you .

As hard as it is to do, I think you have to just bag all the anger, hurt and injustice up and dump it into the rubbish bin of your mind. She's probably not in the slightest bit bothered about the chaos she's caused, these people aren't, whereas you are left with the fallout. The good thing to come out of it is that you have managed to mend some relationships.
For years I was in turmoil over how my brother had cheated me after our father had died, he being executor of his will. I was not only angry with him, but with my father for not making me co-executor which would have made it difficult for my brother to do all that he did.
I realised that this anger was making me ill and I had to make a conscious effort to stop, accept it was all in the past and there wasn't a thing I could do to change what had happened. My brother died last year, so even if I wanted to, we couldn't reconcile.
You just have to accept what happened and get on with your life, the alternative is to live in angst and misery. I wish you well LR

Write a letter to her, telling her exactly what you think of her. Take a match and burn it (—making a wish while you do it.🤭—).

You cannot forgive unless she comes to you , expresses remorse, and asks for your forgiveness.

It is possible to be philosophical and say " none of us is without fault " but this is intellectual not emotional.

Your best strategy is to think about someone or something else and get into the habit of doing so.

I could have written your post word for word. Fortunately my son was able to escape but not without considerable damage to him and the children.

I don’t find it necessary to forgive as the harm was not done to me. I don’t believe she was evil just sick.

Have sent you a PM.

It depends what you mean by "forgive". My ex-dil was exactly like yours. I could never say I forgive her if she took that to mean that what she did does not matter and she doesn't have to feel bad about it. If she sincerely apologised and tried to make amends I might feel differently - but she's not likely to do that. I have however decided to stop letting what she did affect me.

I have not received it.I think by my user name it has gone to a
Old account to a dead email Please will you try and send it again

Ignore that last message I used to be Florentina1

I suggest you delete any way she has of contacting you. If you are hearing second hand, tell the person you don't want to know. If it's your son, suggest gently that he goes for counselling as an independent person might be better. You don't need to forgive, just be disinterested

Are the children under 16?
If so I can see that you may not be able to fully disengage from her.
But I think either way you just have to side step.
Remember the old saying
Don't wrestle with a pig
You'll both get dirty but the pig will love it.

NPD can only be diagnosed by a appropriately licensed mental health professional. Did she share her diagnosis with you?

Has she asked you for your forgiveness?

I think leaving their separation up to them is the wisest choice. There can only be two people in a marriage, and that also counts for a divorce.

Poppyred

Write a letter to her, telling her exactly what you think of her. Take a match and burn it (—making a wish while you do it.🤭—).

I favour the "letter that is then burnt" method myself. Other possibilities would be a "cord-cutting" exercise - ie visualise them standing opposite you and the emotional cords between you and yourself with a giant pair of scissors cutting those cords and mentally surrounding her with a protective barrier she can't get through to harm you any more.

There's also karma to bear in mind - as that often works things out in the long run. I've seen someone try and make out I was lying about an illness I had for some while and that there's no such thing - well that must have done her head in when she herself subsequently got this "illness that doesn't exist - according to her".

I've found all these things helpful in the past when someone has treated me in a bad way and they are clearly never going to apologise or make good.

I think the idea of "forgiving" is probably from the Christian faith and that's why we tell ourselves we should "forgive". But I'm not convinced that's true or possible. I think the best thing we can do is find ways to heal from what they've done to us and to prevent them hurting us (or anyone else) in that way in the future.

Thinking of the latest "offender" and they made themselves out to be a friend of mine - but they turned out to be a thief. So - yep....note to myself to do the letter and/or cord-cutting exercise about them. Also I have been telling everyone exactly what he did/tried to do - to warn them off being on the receiving end of his tricks.

I think it's a lot/probably unrealistic to try and expect oneself to "forgive". "Forgiving" is what one does in some contexts - eg a marriage (where the spouse has been up to stuff they shouldnt - eg affairs) if you yourself have also been up to stuff you shouldnt (eg being bad with money and it's affected them too). But there are many contexts where they've done something wrong - but you yourself haven't and therefore no "evening out - 6 of one half a dozen of the other" context and bad conduct has been just a one way thing.

Why do you believe it necessary to forgive her? She has not apologised, acknowledged the pain she caused and if she does have NPD, it’s highly unlikely she ever will. If she did approach you, surely her behaviour patters would have you running a mile.
If forgiveness is part of your faith, you could leave forgiveness in the safe hands of your god or deity.

Why do you need to forgive them? You don't need to forgive to be the better person. Just stop looking back or the past will ruin the future.

I really appreciate all the comments to my post - thank you grandsnetters!

Stop talking about it. Not for you to forgive.

Leave her in the past, don't dwell on it, it is yourself you are punishing not her.

Poppyred

Write a letter to her, telling her exactly what you think of her. Take a match and burn it (—making a wish while you do it.🤭—).

Yes. Write absolutely everything down and ceremonially burn it. But don't wish her any sort of harm - it will just perpetuate your sadness and anger.

I recently saw that the meaning of forgive is to no longer want anything such as an apology from someone who has done something bad to you.
You no longer want anything from her so you have forgiven.
You still resent what she has done. The woman is ill. This is preventing her from acting "normally". You would not resent a person with a broken leg who would not dance.

Hi
My advice is to read as much as you can about NOD Dr Ramani on you tube is great
You will come to realise that you can do nothing about their personality - except recognise it and get strategies in place to protect yourself . Unfortunately this will take months if not years and all the work will be on your side . One thing to hang onto - it is NOT YOU - it is THEM !
The best way o f dealing with narcissists is to go no contact - in family situations like yours - this has to be confined to ‘ business only ‘ encounters when necessary . This seems harsh but many people have to deal with these types of personality when the rose petals drop etc but if you research it you will see that their behaviour has a pattern .
Best of luck - Marina

Sorry I meant NPD