Any advice on how to forgive?

Sorry me again
I remember when at school all those years ago, I was probably bullied but bullying wasn't high profile then, But what did you do?, I quietly or Subconsciously decided I don't like this person and avoided any interaction with them But never spoke about it or made a drama of it, It worked for me at that period of time.
It wasn't till bullying became high profile that I realised I had actually been bullied as I just ignored.
Give The thoughts and person as Little attention as you can. It's not something that you can fix or change, The word acceptance seems appropriate

As my friend always says, most disagreements are from misunderstandings ....

...I wonder if she has surpressed hurts too? ( no disrespect. But can take 2) That has made her turn this way? of course she's not doing herself any favours, just a thought. She may need therapy - not keen on these labels I prefer root causes being dealt with

If it helps at all, forgiveness is not letting it bother you / or intetphere with your.life, it's letting go & moving on
I struggle too and found this helps, some things you just can't forgive in your heart of hearts.

@LR10
By still wanting to forgive you continue to give power to the abuser over you.
You don't need to forgive to heal and you don't need to forgive to move on and get on with your life now.Put her and what she's done in the past and continue living for today and tomorrow where she has no influence or power any more.Good luck.

I was very bitter towards my exh. I found it took too much of my energy away. Let it go is my best advice. Move on.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu on forgiveness. Wise words.

To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that does not exclude hatred and anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.

However, when I talk of forgiveness I mean the belief that you can come out the other side a better person. A better person than the one being consumed by anger and hatred. Remaining in that state locks you in a state of victimhood, making you almost dependent on the perpetrator. If you can find it in yourself to forgive then you are no longer chained to the perpetrator. You can move on, and you can even help the perpetrator to become a better person too.

But the process of forgiveness also requires acknowledgement on the part of the perpetrator that they have committed an offence.

Not everything is forgivable. Someone once said to me if you can accept that it’s happened and sometimes nothing you could have said or done would have changed that, then that is enough. Daughters ex was a narcissist and it’s bloody hard so don’t be too hard on yourself

Maybe this idea could help: A while ago I was finding it hard to forgive someone and was niggled by remembering the Lords Prayer "As we forgive those..." etc. So I decided to research what forgiving means in the bible (I am not a churchgoer, for context). Anyway it turns out you are considered to have forgiven if you are not seeking recompense or revenge. You are not actually required to forget or stop feeling angry. So you could simply allow yourself to dislike this person and not feel guilty about it. That should go a long way to relieve the tension you're feeling about the matter.

Please, please, please do not send her anything in writing. By all means write things down and as Milliedog suggest burn it but do not send it. Listing your pain will only give her FUEL.

I would strongly suggest you get on the web and find sites about recovering/healing from being in a relationship with someone with NPD. Your whole family has been in a relationship with your exDiL in different ways.

Gathering knowledge is one of the best ways to strengthen yourself and those affected. Research the sites/podcasts that work for you and yours is one of the best ways to FREE you and yours from the damage.

There are some very good sites/podcasts that can really help with healing, many by people who have Recovered from such damage and are very helpful for others as they find their own way to healing and as much peace as is possible after NPD damage.

I wish you well and I hope you do start the web search and find some of the material helpful.

Unless someone had been formally diagnosed as a narcissist, (and not just an arsehole) it's unfair to label them as such, I think.

Well I wouldn’t forgive I would let it go it’s in the past I’d move on with my life

I wonder what you want to achieve by "forgiving" her. Is it a relationship with her? As a go between to smooth things with her and your son? So you get access to the children? Or is it more of a conscience thing because you feel bad harbouring uncharitable thoughts?
The first thing to recognise is that you will never be able to have an honest relationship with her or affect her behaviour in any way at all. She is just not capable of it. Dealing with a Narcissist is tricky and most people just distance themselves. I don't think you can forgive her for something she has no capacity to feel sorry for. All you can do is try to put it behind you, perhaps feel sorry for her that she will never be happy with such a personality and distance yourself. Just be politely friendly with any interaction and support your son with love.

I've held a lot of anger about certain things / people from the past and no matter how hard I tried - I struggled with it.
However some time ago I read the following and it was one of the few things that made sense to me, it might help you too:
"Forgiveness means accepting responsibility – not for causing the destruction, but for cleaning it up. It’s the decision that restoring your own peace is finally a bigger priority than disrupting someone else’s.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to make amends with who hurt you. It doesn’t mean befriending them, sympathizing with them or validating what they have done to you. It just means accepting that they’ve left a mark on you. And that for better or for worse, that mark is now your burden to bear. It means you’re done waiting for the person who broke you to come put you back together. It’s the decision to heal your own wounds, regardless of which marks they’re going to leave on your skin. It’s the decision to move forward with scars.Forgiveness isn’t about letting injustice reign. It’s about creating your own justice, your own karma and your own destiny. It’s about getting back onto your feet and deciding that the rest of your life isn’t going to be miserable because of what happened to you. It means walking bravely into the future, with every scar and callous you’ve incurred along the way. Forgiveness means saying that you’re not going to let what happened to you define you any longer.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are giving up all of your power. Forgiveness means you’re finally ready to take it back."

Sorry I meant NPD

Hi
My advice is to read as much as you can about NOD Dr Ramani on you tube is great
You will come to realise that you can do nothing about their personality - except recognise it and get strategies in place to protect yourself . Unfortunately this will take months if not years and all the work will be on your side . One thing to hang onto - it is NOT YOU - it is THEM !
The best way o f dealing with narcissists is to go no contact - in family situations like yours - this has to be confined to ‘ business only ‘ encounters when necessary . This seems harsh but many people have to deal with these types of personality when the rose petals drop etc but if you research it you will see that their behaviour has a pattern .
Best of luck - Marina

I recently saw that the meaning of forgive is to no longer want anything such as an apology from someone who has done something bad to you.
You no longer want anything from her so you have forgiven.
You still resent what she has done. The woman is ill. This is preventing her from acting "normally". You would not resent a person with a broken leg who would not dance.

Poppyred

Write a letter to her, telling her exactly what you think of her. Take a match and burn it (—making a wish while you do it.🤭—).

Yes. Write absolutely everything down and ceremonially burn it. But don't wish her any sort of harm - it will just perpetuate your sadness and anger.

Leave her in the past, don't dwell on it, it is yourself you are punishing not her.

Stop talking about it. Not for you to forgive.

I really appreciate all the comments to my post - thank you grandsnetters!

Why do you need to forgive them? You don't need to forgive to be the better person. Just stop looking back or the past will ruin the future.

Why do you believe it necessary to forgive her? She has not apologised, acknowledged the pain she caused and if she does have NPD, it’s highly unlikely she ever will. If she did approach you, surely her behaviour patters would have you running a mile.
If forgiveness is part of your faith, you could leave forgiveness in the safe hands of your god or deity.

Poppyred

Write a letter to her, telling her exactly what you think of her. Take a match and burn it (—making a wish while you do it.🤭—).

I favour the "letter that is then burnt" method myself. Other possibilities would be a "cord-cutting" exercise - ie visualise them standing opposite you and the emotional cords between you and yourself with a giant pair of scissors cutting those cords and mentally surrounding her with a protective barrier she can't get through to harm you any more.

There's also karma to bear in mind - as that often works things out in the long run. I've seen someone try and make out I was lying about an illness I had for some while and that there's no such thing - well that must have done her head in when she herself subsequently got this "illness that doesn't exist - according to her".

I've found all these things helpful in the past when someone has treated me in a bad way and they are clearly never going to apologise or make good.

I think the idea of "forgiving" is probably from the Christian faith and that's why we tell ourselves we should "forgive". But I'm not convinced that's true or possible. I think the best thing we can do is find ways to heal from what they've done to us and to prevent them hurting us (or anyone else) in that way in the future.

Thinking of the latest "offender" and they made themselves out to be a friend of mine - but they turned out to be a thief. So - yep....note to myself to do the letter and/or cord-cutting exercise about them. Also I have been telling everyone exactly what he did/tried to do - to warn them off being on the receiving end of his tricks.

I think it's a lot/probably unrealistic to try and expect oneself to "forgive". "Forgiving" is what one does in some contexts - eg a marriage (where the spouse has been up to stuff they shouldnt - eg affairs) if you yourself have also been up to stuff you shouldnt (eg being bad with money and it's affected them too). But there are many contexts where they've done something wrong - but you yourself haven't and therefore no "evening out - 6 of one half a dozen of the other" context and bad conduct has been just a one way thing.

NPD can only be diagnosed by a appropriately licensed mental health professional. Did she share her diagnosis with you?

Has she asked you for your forgiveness?

I think leaving their separation up to them is the wisest choice. There can only be two people in a marriage, and that also counts for a divorce.