Toxic mother

My mum can be very difficult but my Dad loved her & put up with anything she threw at him (literally). The only time he would make a stand is if she was being damagingly critical / unfair to me or my sibling.So I can understand your Dad wanting to stay at home, but it must be so difficult to watch when he is ill.My heart goes out to you.

Thanks for your comments ladies, some sound advice given so thank you all. I will continue to support both my parents as best I can, and will avoid drama as much as possible for dads sake. My mother will test the patience of a saint but I will just have to paste a smile on and count to twenty 😛

My late Mother was a narcissist, if the attention was on anyone else she couldn’t cope.

When I had cancer at the age of 36 and 3 young children she had some harmless moles removed from her face privately and banged on about how it hurt and how scared she was, I had a throat full of surgical clips and a drain!

I’m afraid there is probably little you can do.

It may be worth telling her she needs a break and sending her away for a while, this way you can give your Father a little peace.

In a long marriage the couple work out the dance ..and your dad has likely worked out all the moves over the years
Have seen this play out with my FIL and MIL. I really feel for you.. do what you can to avoid making anything harder for your dad. Give him all the softness and love you can. Covering his shame too by respecting his love for her. Save your energy for wprking through how you'll feel towards your mum once he's gone.

I've watched a close friend's marriage over the years
It's like a car crash in slow motion .
He , like his father tends to be insular , depressive and morose .
Talk to him and he opens up .
She, is a bubbly person , but likes to be out with her friends most evenings , weekends and holidays .
They don't share the same interests or ideas and are constantly at war with each other.
They also complain about each other all the time .
Their daughters have been affected by the perpetual disagreements .
As they hurtle towards retirement - I wonder if they'll both live in the same house with the same resentment towards each other .
I wonder if it's been a similar situation with your parents .
I also wonder about dementia - anger and aggression can be a sign .
My advice is to visit and support your father and to confide in a health professional .
I went through a similar situation with my parents .

Are you able to visit their home regularly and show your dad you are there and want to care for him? Talk to the District Nurse and see what her observations are about the situation. Is the bad feeling between you and your mother due to your suggestion that he leaves some money to his grandchildren?

Continue to visit your father and try to keep disagreements with your mother away from him; just make his last months as peaceful as you can.

My MIL was very similar.

My FIL took early retirement owing to ill health. MIL decided that "she had done her bit" and he should do loads of housework. Don't get me wrong I think men should do their share of the housework if they are fit. But FIL was so ill that he had to have an oxygen cylinder within easy reach.

FIL had retired from a responsible, stressful job which involved a long commute to London five days a week. MIL had not gone out to work since they married.

FIL had a habit of nodding off if he sat down so MIL used to prod him and yell his name until he woke up. I am sure that he would have lived longer if he had not had to put up with MIL.

I don't know that there is a solution to this if your father does not want to move out of the marital home. I just hope that she doesn't make his last days too awful.

I have no experience of this, I hope someone can come along who has , I'm so sorry to hear it. It only occurs, if he isnt being looked after properly, to try and talk to the district nurse in private.