I've been foolish

This is obviously not the most moral advice, but quite honestly your husband can hardly complain if you decide to keep this other man as a lover.

In my book sex is not the most important side of marriage, but it is meant to be a part of a normal relationship between man and wife.

If both you and your husband were in agreement about living a celibate life within your marriage, well and good. That would be no-one¨s business but yours as a couple.

But this is not the case, is it?

Your husband has at some point decided he can live happily without a physical relationship to you - unusual, but not by any means unheard of. However, it does not sound as if he at any point has really considered that you might be in the same boat, as Dorothy Sayer¨s Lord Peter Wimsey, who, commenting upon Cramer's wording of the Marriage Service said that "as for the gift of continence, I wouldn't have it, even as a gift"

Your husband is doing as he likes, so let the sauce for the gander be sauce for the goose - you do as you please, and should he complain, ask him what gives him the right to enforce marital chastity upon you?

Would you be happy if your husband was behaving like this Georgesgran? If he was having an affair and contemplating whether or not to leave you because you had a good pension but he doesn't and he'd be worried about giving up the financial security that you have provided?

Well I'm quite happy to be a Downton Abbey relic MissA .

Did you stay with your husband because you didn't have a pension, though?
Was your affair person "complicated"?
Did you tell your husband?

Our affair ended well, neither of us were serial cheaters and both had been sexually and emotionally pushed away by our spouses, we had 20 beautiful years together before he died

Oh well it passes the time I suppose.

Affairs rarely end well and in this case it will be you and your DH who will suffer. The other man sounds as though he will just move on to someone else.
It seems as though you are hanging on to your DH because he gives you the financial security you need but cheating on him which is very unfair on him.
You need to think about your marriage and if you aren't satisfied then your DH needs to know.

AP = affair partner, I think.

OP, if this man has no qualms about being with a married woman, there's nothing to say that if you got together he wouldn't cheat on you as well.

Also, I'd strongly recommend you get tested for STIs. Even if you're not intimate with your DH, some STIs can be spread orally. You'd be surprised at the incidence of STIs in seniors, from what I've been told. I suspect many figure that because pregnancy isn't possible there aren't any risks.

I also second the idea of counseling and would also encourage marriage counseling.

This is more than a physical affair, it is an emotional affair too. Your feelings over lack of intimacy have probably pushed your husband to withdraw. In a relationship where needs are not met, the solutions are generally never outside the marriage. And financial stability is not a fair reason for you to stay. It's taking what you need from where you need it without honouring the feelings of others involved, neither of whom actually give you everything you need. I think you need to be honest and tell your husband the truth and then decide together what happens from here.

Would you all be happy if it was, say, your son in law behaving like this?!?

Very good advice upthread from most posters.
I think MissA and smileless are in the minority.

Personally I find I agree more with Oreo and rafichagran.
Knowing people in the same situation over the years, often having an affair with a married person means the ‘free’ party isn’t looking for commitment - just a good time.

Still don’t know what AP is a pineapple, a person, a pincushion
Another partner but he’s not is he he’s just a shxx at the moment

I’m sure there are many people in your situation op but you are playing with fire. Is it really worth the excitement of a casual affair. I don’t think the new man wants you to leave your husband anyway does he, you speak about the fact the AP doesn’t have a good income but is asset rich , you are living in fantasy land! You say your Ap adores you when you are together but certain things makes you feel like he will break it off! If your AP wanted you op you wouldn’t be seeing signs that he’s not that serious. I actually feel for your husband here oblivious to this, if you aren’t happy why don’t you leave your husband then you will be free to pursue pastures new, without the guilt

I'm glad someone does, smileless.
I feel as if I'm a relic from Downton Abbey!

I'm not in this situation either MissA and agree with your posts.

If you're unhappy in your marriage then you should seriously consider ending it, regardless of whether AP is a 'keeper', but it doesn't sound as if a serious commitment is something he's likely to want.

Not telling your DH about your affair is only OK as long as you can live with what you've done.

rafichagran

Don't tell your husband, no need, it might make you feel better, but it won't him. This is on you if you feel guilty.

I understand why you have got in to this situation, but this is pure infatuation nothing more, it is hard but it will pass. This man is good for sex, but will bring nothing else to your table.

Think carefully, and good luck with whatever you decide.

I echo this advice.

I think the responses would be different if this was a husband cheating.

I’m sure there have been periods in my own marriage where I’ve not wanted intimacy (think of the baby years, bereavement etc) it didn’t give my husband permission to have sex with someone else

You sound unhappy OP. I don’t really know what to suggest. Having an affAir is rarely an answer to a problem though

Wow.

You sound as if you have solved your loneliness problem. Don't consider leaving as this man is only a fling but don't tell your husband as there is no need to upset him.

Don't tell your husband, no need, it might make you feel better, but it won't him. This is on you if you feel guilty.

I understand why you have got in to this situation, but this is pure infatuation nothing more, it is hard but it will pass. This man is good for sex, but will bring nothing else to your table.

Think carefully, and good luck with whatever you decide.

Fair point, as I'm also not in the situation either.

It wasn't particularly aimed at you - all the responses seem to show little regard for her husband, even though it's easy to see why him being lukewarm has played it's part.

If the OP genuinely regrets her fling then I can't see any reason to tell DH.
If she genuinely wants to stay with her DH telling him will only serve to lift her guilt! Can't imagine being in that situation so not really in a position to make suggestions - I recognize that!

Once you have strayed and tasted that illicit thrill of an affair it might be difficult to think clearly about your realistic options.. but at this stage it is really important that you do.. I would sign up with a good counsellor who you can discuss your options with in a completely neutral environment...

I also just want to add, the man you are now involved with doesn't sound very complicated to me.

Men who find
communication and commitment "difficult" but want sex are two a penny.

Not necessary to tell your life partner that you have been/are sleeping with someone else, but don't want to give up the lifestyle he affords you??

Since when was that OK?

Carenza is correct. Do think carefully about what you have now , telling your husband is not necessary.
If you were to decide to end your marriage would this new love interest
Survive? Please think carefully and stop feeling guilty!