I've been foolish

I'm sorry that you feel so unhappy having found yourself in a rotten situation. It most certainly isn't all your fault as your DH has inadvertently pushed you away.
Regarding AP, as I see it, he is in a safe situation knowing that you are married and this could possibly protect him from ever making any sort of commitment to you.
It could be that this is just a fling and won't go far anyway. Don't tell your DH about it as it won't achieve anything, it may relieve any guilt you may have but it won't do him any good.
You need to think very seriously about what you want and I wouldn't be tempted to give up a good lifestyle unless you can't actually stand living with DH any longer.
If you have the strength to end the relationship with AP it may save you a lot of heartache longterm as by continuing it you will get deeper in. Above all, always remember that a certain things that happen are due to cause and reaction so please don't feel bad about it. I wish you well and hope that you can sort your thoughts out. xx

I agree with Nanny. This man may just want a fling. It's a nice fantasy , but if in reality it ends up not working out or just simply fizzles, where would you be? Idk, adventure is nice but we have to live in the real world, and there sometimes we need survivial and comfort keep us safe and secure in a cruel cold world. At least you know someone else found you attractive, in case mb you thought the reason your husband wasn't interested was that you had become unattractive, boring or just not desirable. Clearly you still have it! That should be of some comfort. I wonder why your husband is so distant? It could be a psychological thing, especially in old age people get down or depressed in life. Or plain tired. And men's bodies, just like women's, can have problems that mb are embarrassing to talk about and can effect sexual desire. If you and your husband still have love and respect for each other, that's something to cherish too though. Sex is sex.....but love is what endures.

I don’t know what AP means but apart from that I understand your post
It’s tough isn’t it they both have what you want one.. security, familiarity and a long faithful marriage through thick and thin and the other intimacy that you crave, excitement and the novelty of a green oasis after years in a desert Mix the two guys together and you have ‘the perfect man’
But there are a few red flags apart from the unfaithfulness
He is a complicated person who finds commitment and communication difficult, he does not have a good income
I wonder if he is about to break it off and various things lead me to believe this he also has no guilt about breaking up a long marriage!!!
It’s tempting though isn’t it ?
How would your husband react if he found out.. fire and brimstone and kick you out or realise you need more and accept (99% would be the first, a few men could accept the second)
I don’t think anyone can really help here you know far more about both men and obviously have huge question marks over the second guy although it’s wonderful at the moment.

Sorry there are no real answers at this stage you have to weigh it all up throw it in the air and see where it lands
A couple of things though can you imagine never seeing your husband again and has the other guy suggested you leave your marriage for him ???
(do you have children with the marriage? Could complicate things further)

This sounds like infatuation and it sounds as though your lover is not into commitment. There is nothing to be achieved in telling your husband. It depends what you want in life but you could be left by your lover in the future. Would you be prepared to give up your present lifestyle and security?

Carenza is correct. Do think carefully about what you have now , telling your husband is not necessary.
If you were to decide to end your marriage would this new love interest
Survive? Please think carefully and stop feeling guilty!

Not necessary to tell your life partner that you have been/are sleeping with someone else, but don't want to give up the lifestyle he affords you??

Since when was that OK?

I also just want to add, the man you are now involved with doesn't sound very complicated to me.

Men who find
communication and commitment "difficult" but want sex are two a penny.

Once you have strayed and tasted that illicit thrill of an affair it might be difficult to think clearly about your realistic options.. but at this stage it is really important that you do.. I would sign up with a good counsellor who you can discuss your options with in a completely neutral environment...

If the OP genuinely regrets her fling then I can't see any reason to tell DH.
If she genuinely wants to stay with her DH telling him will only serve to lift her guilt! Can't imagine being in that situation so not really in a position to make suggestions - I recognize that!

Fair point, as I'm also not in the situation either.

It wasn't particularly aimed at you - all the responses seem to show little regard for her husband, even though it's easy to see why him being lukewarm has played it's part.

Don't tell your husband, no need, it might make you feel better, but it won't him. This is on you if you feel guilty.

I understand why you have got in to this situation, but this is pure infatuation nothing more, it is hard but it will pass. This man is good for sex, but will bring nothing else to your table.

Think carefully, and good luck with whatever you decide.

You sound as if you have solved your loneliness problem. Don't consider leaving as this man is only a fling but don't tell your husband as there is no need to upset him.

Wow.

I think the responses would be different if this was a husband cheating.

I’m sure there have been periods in my own marriage where I’ve not wanted intimacy (think of the baby years, bereavement etc) it didn’t give my husband permission to have sex with someone else

You sound unhappy OP. I don’t really know what to suggest. Having an affAir is rarely an answer to a problem though

rafichagran

Don't tell your husband, no need, it might make you feel better, but it won't him. This is on you if you feel guilty.

I understand why you have got in to this situation, but this is pure infatuation nothing more, it is hard but it will pass. This man is good for sex, but will bring nothing else to your table.

Think carefully, and good luck with whatever you decide.

I echo this advice.

I'm not in this situation either MissA and agree with your posts.

If you're unhappy in your marriage then you should seriously consider ending it, regardless of whether AP is a 'keeper', but it doesn't sound as if a serious commitment is something he's likely to want.

Not telling your DH about your affair is only OK as long as you can live with what you've done.

I'm glad someone does, smileless.
I feel as if I'm a relic from Downton Abbey!

I’m sure there are many people in your situation op but you are playing with fire. Is it really worth the excitement of a casual affair. I don’t think the new man wants you to leave your husband anyway does he, you speak about the fact the AP doesn’t have a good income but is asset rich , you are living in fantasy land! You say your Ap adores you when you are together but certain things makes you feel like he will break it off! If your AP wanted you op you wouldn’t be seeing signs that he’s not that serious. I actually feel for your husband here oblivious to this, if you aren’t happy why don’t you leave your husband then you will be free to pursue pastures new, without the guilt

Still don’t know what AP is a pineapple, a person, a pincushion
Another partner but he’s not is he he’s just a shxx at the moment

Very good advice upthread from most posters.
I think MissA and smileless are in the minority.

Personally I find I agree more with Oreo and rafichagran.
Knowing people in the same situation over the years, often having an affair with a married person means the ‘free’ party isn’t looking for commitment - just a good time.

Would you all be happy if it was, say, your son in law behaving like this?!?

This is more than a physical affair, it is an emotional affair too. Your feelings over lack of intimacy have probably pushed your husband to withdraw. In a relationship where needs are not met, the solutions are generally never outside the marriage. And financial stability is not a fair reason for you to stay. It's taking what you need from where you need it without honouring the feelings of others involved, neither of whom actually give you everything you need. I think you need to be honest and tell your husband the truth and then decide together what happens from here.

AP = affair partner, I think.

OP, if this man has no qualms about being with a married woman, there's nothing to say that if you got together he wouldn't cheat on you as well.

Also, I'd strongly recommend you get tested for STIs. Even if you're not intimate with your DH, some STIs can be spread orally. You'd be surprised at the incidence of STIs in seniors, from what I've been told. I suspect many figure that because pregnancy isn't possible there aren't any risks.

I also second the idea of counseling and would also encourage marriage counseling.

Affairs rarely end well and in this case it will be you and your DH who will suffer. The other man sounds as though he will just move on to someone else.
It seems as though you are hanging on to your DH because he gives you the financial security you need but cheating on him which is very unfair on him.
You need to think about your marriage and if you aren't satisfied then your DH needs to know.