Retired hubby driving me nuts

cc

Oreo

Some men, once retired are happy enough to potter around the house and garden and go on shopping trips with their wife, my Dad was similar to your DH.They don’t all crave the company of other older men ( and who can blame them)🤭
I would advise planning a few trips together if you can afford it and the rest of the time if you want to see your own friends then just tell him you’re going out to meet them for coffee and shopping, a girls thing. In the home do you have another room you can maybe do craft things in or catch up on emailing or whatever?
Just to say, my Dad sadly became ill and died about six years into retirement and Mum still misses him very much.Nobody knows how long they’ll get together in retirement.

My husband potters, he has a room for himself with his books, a radio and his music and can disappear there for hours.
He does such cleaning as is done here, and every now and again goes and retrieves one of the packed boxes from our downsizing to try to get rid of more of the junk.
Every couple of days he has a themed wander through YouTube, watching videos about cars or travelling, or whatever takes his fancy. He also watches streamed box sets when he gets up at 5 a.m.
Sometimes if the weather is right we go for a wander in the local park for an hour or so and on Fridays we always go out together for lunch, our only regular engagement. He's never bored,
We're lucky and have a family holiday home, so every month he takes himself off down there to do "maintenance" which takes about four days and involves gardening, cleaning, sorting out yet boxes from our downsize, and trips to his favourite place, the local tip.
His three best friends are now dead and he has absolutely no interest in making new ones.

He’s happy and you’re happy, a win win situation 😃

Calipso

Labradora,Oreo
Mr C, to be fair, is pretty good but does display some of the tendencies that others have outlined.
During a recent stay his absolute twat of a brother on the other hand explained to me how his "little cleaner" has this amazing steam iron, proceeding to tell me how it works. He does mansplaining to Master's level.
He is not good for my mental health

Did you get your steam iron out to show him?😂
They all mansplain but some more than others .

I could have written this. Oh for some 'me' time. I find myself thinking 'If only he played golf or something and go out for a whole day' Wouldn't that be just bliss. And the closing the door thing - AAAAAHHHH

so a variety of possible ideas that might be helpful.
If he suggests "better" ways of doing a job, ask him to show you. If it really is better you both might use that method. (unlikely) If he likes his way he can continue to do it his way and take over the job - as long as it doesnt cost you more money!!
On your own have a think about what jobs you dislike. Roughly match them up with other jobs you dont mind doing. Then you can have a sit down with a coffee and say as it is a major change for you both that it will be quite a big upheaval . So now you will retire too , i.e. you are no longer responsible for either doing all the jobs or planning them. So the job share includes cooking and shopping etc. You may share by choosing the way you split the work, or if there is not an equal way of sharing then you split them fairly, for both time and effort needed. You might both agree that there is something you both hate doing and pay someone else to do them. Then I suggest that you have some new house rules, so for example if your bedroom or other room you are in has the door shut, it means that you do not want to be disturbed. The rule applies to you both unless the house is on fire! Be quite rigid about it until he gets the picture. Explain t hat you also have to learn new ways after running it very efficiently for many years. Do some nice things together but dont lose your friendship groups. If you have always met at a cafe for the last 10 years carry on. You and your husband can have another day when you go to something together. Have a day out on your own. Just inform him that you are out on such a day. If he asks to come along, be polite but say you will be happy to go somewhere another day. DONT be the lesser partner. Your wishes are equal not less important If he asks where you are going , if there is something specific say where , but dont offer for him to go along. If not just say you havent decided yet. Point out that for all those years he didnt know (or probably care) what you did whilst he was at work.He cannot expect to totally change everything After a little while if you give each other chance to get used to things and respect each other you will find a way that will suit you both. Good luck

I must point out ( now that I’ve had a good sleep and am not so grumpy) that I sympathise so much with people that have lost their long time partners, their soul mates. My cousin lost her husband a year or so ago. They were the closest couple I’ve ever known and their marriage was so happy albeit marred by a terrible tragedy on the way. I miss him dreadfully so I can’t imagine how she feels, although she confides in me about her sadness more than to her close family; she puts on a brave face with them. I feel helpless that I can do nothing to take away her sadness. My partners father died suddenly just as he was about to retire leaving his mum having to reappraise how she was going to spend the rest of her life. It was so unfair. We do have to appreciate people that we just take for granted. But even when I was married with young children ( and I loved being with my kids) on holiday I would take myself off on long solitary walks; they’d just say ‘ mum’s off…’. I think, as women, we often don’t say how we’re feeling for fear of hurting someone’s feelings which sometimes causes more hurt in the long term.Men do prefer to be told things straight out rather than taking hints.

I suppose I'd tolerate a very boring or even a very stupid husband if I felt enough affection towards him.

So, am I right in thinking that wanting time to oneself is regarded as selfish and uncaring but needing to have someone with you is normal? My partner has been away for a few days. It would have been longer but he ‘didn’t want to be in the house on his own’. I had to tell him to go and visit one of his friends who lives near to where he’d gone; his friend is always asking him to visit ( he’s retired and his wife is often out working). He’d also been speaking to his neighbour and other people. Apart from a couple of people that have been working on my house I haven’t spoken to anyone. But when he got back home ( we live in the same village) he came straight round to my house, walked in and woke me up in the process ( I’d nodded off on the sofa having been up in the night moving furniture around) an made me feel guilty for not wanting a conversation ( I went straight back to sleep when he left). I now feel that I’ve been rude and selfish. I had just been expecting him to phone not call round. I’ve got so much work to do on the house and don’t want someone sitting in the living room watching tv while I do it. And, no, I don’t want him to help me because it isn’t stuff he can do anyway. ( sorry: just wanted a moan…)

Would you like it if he tried to organise your life for you now?

Op and May bee 70 I understand what you are both saying. My husband rarely leaves the house and yes we are very often in different rooms but it’s not the same as having the house to myself. We re not close and rarely do anything together. My mental health has deteriorated over the last years. Many people need time alone. It’s how we are.

People who need to be with someone all the time don’t understand what it’s like to be someone that needs time on their own. Alone time clears my head. I can’t be with someone 24/7, it’s how I am.

And what a sad life you are creating for both of you

Can one person create a life for 2? Why would that emotional load fall to the woman?

I quite like the tale of the imaginary parcel and will file it away in my memory banks for use if needs be.

"Hubby" - what a ghastly word. And what a sad life you are creating for both of you. Presumably you really don't want to change or even share your life if his sitting in a chair reading is bothering you. There's nothing wrong with wanting some 'me' time, as you call it, but do you live in the nation's smallest house? Can you not be busy doing whatever you wish in another room? Is his presence so irritating? Why can't he be left to his own devices without your direction and why do you not already have a routine in place to share some of the dull household stuff? If he can debate stacking the dishwasher - and everyone has their way of doing this - rather than his discussing it, why can't the dishwasher become his responsibility? Don't you have a garden to maintain, repairs to be carried out, clutter and recycling to attend to, a car to wash, shopping to be done?

You can't expect to have the house to yourself but why would you want to? Doesn't sound as if you have much interest in your other half as a companion and you're the one who needs to adapt. People's good friends, colleagues, sometimes die in early retirement. Older men often have difficulty striking up conversations with strangers, let alone hoping to make close friends in later life. Some understanding of this might help!

And as for the poster who thinks that sending her Husband to a relative's empty house to wait for an imaginary parcel, so she can have the house to herself ......I actually despair. What an unpleasant and disrespectful way to treat another human being - and then writing about it? FGS !

petra

queenofsaanich69

You’re not alone,would he enjoy doing jigsaws ?

How old is this hubby
It’s a bit sad when all that is on offer is: a dog, hoovering and now jigsaws.
I’m beginning to feel sorry for him.

He likes quiet activities.
That rules out hoovering and probably a dog too, leaving jigsaw.

DH likes a jigsaw or three (but does have other activities he enjoys!).

queenofsaanich69

You’re not alone,would he enjoy doing jigsaws ?

How old is this hubby
It’s a bit sad when all that is on offer is: a dog, hoovering and now jigsaws.
I’m beginning to feel sorry for him.

Jess20

Closing the door after you so it's shut when you come back with an armful of laundry.... Yes, I have a similar problem, mine keeps turning the lights off when I leave the room so I can't see where I'm going - often with an armful of laundry too 🤣 I now see that he's ' managing me' too! Perhaps I should ask for a 'housework appraisal' and renegotiate the health and safety rules before I have an accident. If you find a solution let me know.

haha, health and safety rules - brilliant! And yes, mine turns lights off than I need too.

I only ever worked part time after we had our children .
It took some adjustment m when DH retired. He finally got it when I asked him to imagine how he would have felt if I suddenly decided to spend more at of my time in his office.

Our daughter lives near by so I drop mine there when she is at work for a few hours every week.He is waiting there for a parcel that's getting dropped off.........not true but the only way I get a few hours at home on my own! It's amazing what I can get done in the house when he is there. When he is around I just can't seem to get things done,don't know why thst is though! He been retired 24 years through ill health. It's hard work!!

Closing the door after you so it's shut when you come back with an armful of laundry.... Yes, I have a similar problem, mine keeps turning the lights off when I leave the room so I can't see where I'm going - often with an armful of laundry too 🤣 I now see that he's ' managing me' too! Perhaps I should ask for a 'housework appraisal' and renegotiate the health and safety rules before I have an accident. If you find a solution let me know.

I know exactly how you feel. Husbands retiring is a major adjustment. My husband does have male friends that he has regular lunches with and belongs to a returned services club that we frequent. But it is still difficult with him home a lot. It is hard for me to do the housework when he is around. It is getting better now but it has been 10 years!! Yikes.bi think it is better to still have your own life and friends not just with your husband. Your own interests that bring you happiness. You are not responsible for theirs, they are.

Does your husband actually enjoy being referred to as Hubby?

Sounds like he needs a bit more purpose ie something to get up for but obviously something he enjoys. My husband and I got an allotment in the pandemic and 5 seasons on is the best thing we ever did offering benefits of exercise, being in nature and if you want it opportunity to build friendships based on a common interest.

Perhaps he could hoover every other day, dust, and then make meals on the other days - a break if you don't employ a cleaner?

You’re not alone,would he enjoy doing jigsaws ?

Oreo

Some men, once retired are happy enough to potter around the house and garden and go on shopping trips with their wife, my Dad was similar to your DH.They don’t all crave the company of other older men ( and who can blame them)🤭
I would advise planning a few trips together if you can afford it and the rest of the time if you want to see your own friends then just tell him you’re going out to meet them for coffee and shopping, a girls thing. In the home do you have another room you can maybe do craft things in or catch up on emailing or whatever?
Just to say, my Dad sadly became ill and died about six years into retirement and Mum still misses him very much.Nobody knows how long they’ll get together in retirement.

My husband potters, he has a room for himself with his books, a radio and his music and can disappear there for hours.
He does such cleaning as is done here, and every now and again goes and retrieves one of the packed boxes from our downsizing to try to get rid of more of the junk.
Every couple of days he has a themed wander through YouTube, watching videos about cars or travelling, or whatever takes his fancy. He also watches streamed box sets when he gets up at 5 a.m.
Sometimes if the weather is right we go for a wander in the local park for an hour or so and on Fridays we always go out together for lunch, our only regular engagement. He's never bored,
We're lucky and have a family holiday home, so every month he takes himself off down there to do "maintenance" which takes about four days and involves gardening, cleaning, sorting out yet boxes from our downsize, and trips to his favourite place, the local tip.
His three best friends are now dead and he has absolutely no interest in making new ones.

Maybe you should reflect on how you would feel if you lost him.
There are many lonely people who would give a lot to be in your situation.
Perhaps you should now start sharing your time with him.