Retired hubby driving me nuts

Oh dear - "Retired Husband Syndrome". Google it and you'll find a lot of sympathy.

I know people always say this, but it really might help to go and see a relationship counsellor together, he is really lost and at the same time dependant. sounds like him who needs it, but he won't go alone...

I’ve always had friends through work I’ve got another year to go. Hubby has always worked on his own I may need your advice then.😊

Wyllow3

I know people always say this, but it really might help to go and see a relationship counsellor together, he is really lost and at the same time dependant. sounds like him who needs it, but he won't go alone...

He won't entertain the idea of therapy. Never would. I've had some and this will get mentioned in my next round along with my own issues, but that's a few months away (NHS), and I'd like to work out what I can do in the meantime.

If he,s keen to manage talk him into starting a “men’s shed” my other half has done just that and has around 30 men. of mixed ages who are interested in cars who pop in and out They mainly have car projects to work on but some just need someone to talk to about their hobby or to moan at about the mess the worlds in.I often supply a stack of home baking for their frequent tea breaks .Its very difficult for some folk to retire so find a new focus for him

Some men, once retired are happy enough to potter around the house and garden and go on shopping trips with their wife, my Dad was similar to your DH.They don’t all crave the company of other older men ( and who can blame them)🤭
I would advise planning a few trips together if you can afford it and the rest of the time if you want to see your own friends then just tell him you’re going out to meet them for coffee and shopping, a girls thing. In the home do you have another room you can maybe do craft things in or catch up on emailing or whatever?
Just to say, my Dad sadly became ill and died about six years into retirement and Mum still misses him very much.Nobody knows how long they’ll get together in retirement.

I feel your frustration. You can't make him do anything, epsecially things he's never done before.

I want to say give it time but I am concerned about you.

Why would he feel abandoned if you are getting on with your own life. Did he 'abandon' you when he went to work? Of course not, you got on with doing the things you were doing.

Maybe you could do some 'fun' things together for a few hours a week- maybe go to the cinema, have a walk, whatever.
Do you go away together? Maybe plan a break, see family and friends etc. Try to balance it out.

You also put that he seems to want to 'manage' you in the house. This is a tough one because these little niggles can grate and lead to outbursts- but an occasional outburst can be good for clearing the air.

Do you share chores? Do you manage him too, in ways you're not aware of?

Let him go places alone- tell him he'll be ok- arrange to meet him after for a coffee or something.

He's a grown-up not a child- let him work his own way through it and try to do the same for yourself.

Retirement is a big change- it took me ages to adjust.
You'll get there if you want to. I wish you both well.

paddyann54

If he,s keen to manage talk him into starting a “men’s shed” my other half has done just that and has around 30 men. of mixed ages who are interested in cars who pop in and out They mainly have car projects to work on but some just need someone to talk to about their hobby or to moan at about the mess the worlds in.I often supply a stack of home baking for their frequent tea breaks .Its very difficult for some folk to retire so find a new focus for him

It may be that there is already a Men's Shed operating in your area. Check at menssheds.org.uk/find-a-shed/

Men's Sheds replace the camaraderie and networks that many men have at work but lose when they retire. I think, although mostly for men, women are welcome. You could always walk round with him the first time. Many people, male and female, find going somewhere by themself for the first time is rather daunting. After the first visit he may be happy to go on his own.

You could warn him. We had a friend, whose DH, once he retired, just sat in the living room reading, his only other activity being driving his wife, who was a non-driver, to all her many activities. Within 5 years he was diagnosed with Alzheimers and he died aged only 75. You could warn him that this could happen to him, if he doesn't get out and aabout more.

This is so common with men. Generally they don't have social circles like women tend to do. My Dad was the same. Once retired he was bored and just sat around. Your DH definitely needs a focus and it may be up to you to suggest it. I don't know why we women have to take the lead in these things but it is usually the case.

Would he be interested in something like a school governor or committee member for u3a or similar, rather than just socialising?

There are loads of volunteering opportunities for men. My DH does volunteer driving. Can you help him find something to do. Apart from being an irritation to you, he needs a social life of some sort. It helps keep dementia at bay.

I love my friend’s expression - I married him for better or worse, but not to have him home for lunch!

Golf? They disappear for hours.

I recall my Mother in Law saying " He's not a joiner, he didn't like Cubs"

At the time, I thought it was a silly comment.

Oh! How right she was. My partner is not a joiner and no amount of cajoling will get him to join.

It's not easy sometimes.

We have been retired for many years and moved to a village five years ago. Since being here I have put myself out and got to know many people in the village through mutual interests. My husband has made no effort to get to know anyone in the village - only through my friends, but he says “they are not my sort of people”. I am determined to just live my life and socialise by involvement in my interests. My husband has mobility issues and cannot now drive. He has no interests himself - just looking at tv and nodding off in his chair. Not interested in going out with me for a cup of tea and cake now and again. Sad.

Perhaps share household jobs more hugshelp he could be dishwasher loader and take laundry upstairs for a start.
I’m wondering if you worked, or even if you did, you undertook most of the household chores and still do so?
Share them out, whilst accepting he may do it differently or not to your ‘standards’, does he cook, or do you do it all?

Thanks for all your responses. They are at least making me think a bit more deeply about the problems.

He won't do clubs or go anywhere much without me. Won't volunteer. Has no interest in golf or any other activity without me. He won't even potter in the front garden if I'm not there. 'in case anyone speaks to me.' - this goes back to problems with our hostile neighbours - they were the first ppl he spoke to and it didn't go well. (it wasn't him - they are difficult). He seems to have lost all his confidence.

We take turns at cooking, and share chores, and I turn a blind eye to the things he forgets to do, but he has a tendency to make 'helpful' suggestions on how I could better do my share of the chores which I've been doing for decades. It's so tedious either explaining why his suggestion don't work for me or trying 'his way' just to prove it. But, if I offer him advice I'm 'bossing him around.'

I worked part time until ill-health made me stop work but until he retired I did the lion's share of chores. I have CFS and fibro and am sight-impaired I might add, so I have my plate full anyway.

He'll sit in the chair and barely answer if I ask him anything, then suddenly want a conversation whenever I'm rushing about or trying to concentrate. At other times he'll proffer advice on what I'm doing from his armchair or start another endless conversation on his latest thought on what the heating should be set at.
Today he mentioned a new art technique he saw on Facebook. I said that sounds interesting. He said, yes, but I don't want to do it, I thought you might like to. Huh? I have more than enough to do, thanks.
It's all small things, and I'd be lost without him, but it is exhausting.

In between times we do things together, but I always have to research and plan trips - then give him the final say - this is because he generally drives - I can't due to the sight impairment - but I have suggested the train for a change sometimes recently and he's enjoyed that. I still have to organise it though. We have a good time when we do these things. I just wish he'd organise something occasionally, but if I leave it to him we just go for a walk locally. There's only so many days trudging down a muddy path you've seen a hundred times that you can face in winter.

It feels like the only motivation he can find is to try and come up with helpful suggestions as to what I might do - I really don't need that.

I hear you Carenza123. Hugs. xx

mae13

Oh dear - "Retired Husband Syndrome". Google it and you'll find a lot of sympathy.

😂

Oh yes, many of have negotiated this!

Many men miss being managers and need to continue managing at home. It takes time, persistence and constant retraining. Like rehoming a dog. You might get there in the end but it takes time.

I suggested to my DH that he might like to join some clubs, charities and it worked! He found a new purpose.

Good luck.

paddyann54

If he,s keen to manage talk him into starting a “men’s shed” my other half has done just that and has around 30 men. of mixed ages who are interested in cars who pop in and out They mainly have car projects to work on but some just need someone to talk to about their hobby or to moan at about the mess the worlds in.I often supply a stack of home baking for their frequent tea breaks .Its very difficult for some folk to retire so find a new focus for him

Good idea.

Its very difficult for some folk to retire so find a new focus for him
This!

he has a tendency to make 'helpful' suggestions on how I could better do my share of the chores which I've been doing for decades
Oh yes, I can empathise!

Wasn’t there a thread on here a while back which referred to a thread on mumsnet in which someone said she couldn’t seem to do her household tasks when her husband was around even though he didn’t actually interfere with what she was doing? I could relate to that because I’m the same. I have an ongoing problem with my partner ( we don’t live together ) because I crave solitude at times and he hates being on his own, ever. We’ve been together for @ 20 years but it still causes problems. He can’t comprehend how anyone can like their own company.

Apparently I can’t load the dishwasher properly and he’s not even retired yet, neither am I.Last week he offered to show me how he poaches eggs🙄

I appreciate the solidarity!
Since speaking to him a little, I realise how hard he really is finding things and how low his confidence is. Also, her really does enjoy a quiet life. I also notice that he truly is trying to take on board when I'm finding things affect me.
I think I just needed to let off a little steam.
There is so much good about us that I need to remember to appreciate.
Thanks all.

I feel for you. My husband does a lot of those things, but what drives me insane is his constant loud throat clearing. He gets irate if I mention it. It's several times a minute. He doesn't do it much around other people. I use ear buds to listen to podcasts with the volume turned way up.