Another managing husband

Thanks Luckygirl3, the trouble is, unless I kept it a secret, he would want to join me. It's the same as if I'm reading a magazine or book, he will pick it up and want to read it too!

I have often been a source of ideas and energy in our relationship mostly because I'm different from him, of course but he always wants a finger in the pie. I've described him before now as a pacman, you know the computer game with the little gobbling up creatures?

Our daughters are in good careers not at all like his world of publishing and he takes pride in finding out about their work world so that he can engage with them about it. It's awful. He's out today and I feel like a different person.

Get online - find yourself a cruise/walking or hobby holiday, pampering week - whatever floats your boat - just bugger off and do your own thing and have a ball!

Leave him to get on with his perfect life - come back with a smile on your face and plan the next trip!

I find many people who were an important ' somebody' in the workplace, struggle with being the ' same as the rest of us' in retirement. Your husband sounds like he has many interests and I'm rather surprised he's got the time to be interfering with your chores or interests. In my house we have rules, if one of us is cooking, no one goes into the kitchen unless asked for help. When we retired and if my husband did interfere ( which was an odd occasion). I would just ask him politely ' are you doing this or am I?' It usually did the trick. Re your marriage, sorry to hear you are so unhappy but like others suggest, I would see if he would agree to you both seeing a counsellor. It may be a problem you can both fix.

I was a little scared to look back at the responses to my post which I certainly wrote when I was feeling tired and as though I've just had enough of him.

Thank you for all the answers. His behaviour varies of course. He is very single focused, always has been but he used to work in central London so we were apart 12 hours a day, now it's 24/7.

I have wondered if he is on the autistic spectrum and he agrees he might be. Jeanathome thank you, yes, he laughs at me for getting lost and an old friend, who hated him, once ridiculed him for knowing the train timetables off by heart!

I am also wondering and feeling horrified that he just might be undergoing some kind of cognitive changes. He does forget things and he used to have an absurdly accurate memory and he gets upset when his memory fails him. It's not bad enough to talk to the GP yet. I have suggested Alzheimers to him and his reaction is to find a test online and do it with a flourish - 'there you are, I'm fine'! His mother had the almost appalling Alzheimers at the end of her life.

My overall feeling is that he is not the person he was and I am increasingly standing up for myself, saying no or just going silent but I find it upsetting and exhausting. If it were Alzheimers and this is just the beginning, I honestly don't think I could cope with him.

He is quite controlling but not in a stereotypical way. For instance, he always used to want to eat at 8pm and for the sake of my digestion/health, I got it changed to 7pm and I have got so upset sometimes at his clockwork appearance at 6.30pm asking what we're having for supper!

I am exhausted by him, I never used to be. I do have some activities of my own, I do meditation and qigong which are very helpful. I read and go to an art club though I am no Leonardo! I wish we hadn't moved on retirement because it's become difficult to integrate into a new social scene, lots of useful posts on here about that! We did have some counselling not long after we retired, he became very passive aggressive and I said that's it unless he agreed. He became very combative with the counsellor though and tried to outwit him. The counsellor was very supportive of me.

I think I have to find myself a counsellor and start putting some preparations in hand to separate. I was upset when I wrote my post to find myself thinking of going down the 'phone Women's Aid' scenario. It's so hard after a long marriage to imagine how to begin.

Thank you very, very much for reading and for your replies.

He is someone who needs to be seen and admired by the sound of it.. and it would seem that you had a better marriage when he was in a position of power at work.. I wonder if he feels that he needs to maintain this position in order to keep you.. he clearly doesn't want a separation.. but his constant (maybe unwitting) undermining of you is making you very unhappy. You have lost your role in your marriage as he has lost his..
If he is someone who will listen I would try to get him to agree to couples counselling.. but perhaps you should also have some individual counselling to establish exactly what you really want for your future..
You are clearly a person of value and this has been diminished and he might actually be horrified that he has played any part in this.. but he does need to see clearly why you are so unhappy.. I hope you manage to find a resolution.

The fixating on directions and how things work sound familiar tbh.

I think it's perfectly healthy to air these problems. It's a huge adjustment all round.
Is your partner a bit of an intellectual but struggles to deal with emotion? Perhaps you are a talker? It can be tricky for sure.

Hi as other pp have said you don’t sound stupid at all just at the end of your tether . There’s been some good advise here especially telling him to FO when he starts to micromanage 😊

I noted in your original post that you say you got him into U3A I was wondering if there is anything there that you would be interested in going to something completely separate to your husband so that you would have some outlet for yourself
It would give you some time away from each other and you may make some friends

You know he doesnt have to 'agree' to a separation don't you?
If you want an end to this marriage, then gather all the financial information you can, see a solicitor and serve him the papers.
He can't stop you!
You do not have to tolerate his treatment. You are entitled to live a happy life in peace.
And yes, it is scary... but it can be done.
And you can do it.... for you.

Blimey! Bit harsh no?

Do you love him? If you don’t love him, leave him.

You sound very sad Nota left out and overwhelmed by Mr.Busy. None of this driven behaviour is new I suspect, just that he’s not out at work so you’re noticing it more now. I can’t think of a solution. He is what he is. And you are who you are. They say opposites attract! Communication is key however. Find an opportune moment. Sit down (side by side is best, less confrontational ‘eye contact’) and talk to him. Tell him how sad you feel. Ask him how he feels about you (you might be pleasantly surprised!). Try to work out how your days can be better in 2025. Good luck!

Managing or controlling?

I have. Similar problem, though not as bad as you! We have had relate therapy, who I resisted at first, but which has been very helpful.DH has a terrible temper, which he acknowledges but was flabbergasted by the fact that I have been terrified of it over the years. He has also admitted he has autism, or traits which I had suspected.

I would agree that finding separate activities is a good idea, if only to get away from him for a bit!

You are not an idiot or stupid, your reaction to his bullying was is quite normal. Take care x

If you’re staying I would create a life for yourself I.e. totally ignore him. Sounds as if he’s not around much anyway, with all his “important activities.” Do what you enjoy doing and just let him get on with his. If he starts “managing” you, tell him to F* O**.

My experience of successful people ( men and woman but tbh generally men) is that retirement is a real challenge to their sense of identity and self esteem. Your marriage would probably benefit from couples therapy, marriage guidance helped a friend's marriage but if he's reluctant to go,why not find a therapist for yourself. I'd tell him that you're unsure that you want to stay in the marriage, that you're unhappy and suggest therapy. Make it absolutely plain that it's about the marriage, about the relationship because my guess is that he'll try to deflect you by making it about your childhood, don't allow him to do that. Good luck. Be brave!

What I noticed about your post was that you didn’t say anything actually about you - what do you enjoy, what do you spend your free time doing? I feel that in your situation I’d want some hobbies, friends and trips that were just for me, where I didn’t feel supervised?

We have posts here detailing husbands that do nothing and those that try to dominate everything, the answer is something in between and that will vary with each couple, there is no standard answer.
I’m semi retired and I do manage the relationship, we both contribute to everything in a relaxed way, I knew my wife socially for many years before we married and she has always been independant so I’ve have been especially careful not to dominate her.
The only suggestions I can offer to the OP is to try to anticipate her husbands intentions, if he acts first accept that with good grace and find an alternative activity. You should also make sure you have social interaction outside the house, job, club, exercise, friends group, volunteering.

He's going to be potential nervous breakdown/heart attack material the way he sounds permanently wound up.

He sounds like the EverReady bunny! He also sounds like a right pain in the neck. A chap with an over-inflated opinion of his own importance. He was trying to show you how to vacuum😳, I’m flabbergasted!
I don’t in any way see you as an idiot or a stupid woman. You sound a very sad woman, living with someone who criticises and under values you. I also see you’ve had enough, living like this, with a husband like yours. There is no sign of equality here. I’m so sorry you feel the way you do. An old saying comes to mind - if nothing changes, nothing changes. I wish you well.

Gosh - he sounds like the Richard Briers character (Martin, I think it was) from the 90's sitcom 'Ever Decreasing Circles'.

A psychotherapist if you can afford it. They let you spill the beans without pressuring you to do something about it.

He sounds exhausting and you sound tired out, needing a solution to your unhappiness.

I think you need to talk your options through with someone. An appointment with a counsellor could be the first step, search for a local one online [counselling-directory.org.uk is one].

You only have one life and you deserve a peaceful one without being regularly upset and undermined in your own home. Things need to change for you and I hope they do.

Notagran you are NOT an idiot, or stupid. You sound completely overwhelmed and very unhappy.
You mention that you don’t have many close friends or relatives, is there anyone you could talk to about how you feel?Perhaps it would be better to talk to a ‘stranger’ rather than someone who knows you both as they may be able to be more objective- the Samaritans may be able to help.
Take care of yourself.