Miserable Husband

I left a very unpleasant husband at 60 and at 71 am so much happier. Just a thought

It's no joy living with someone like that .

They aren't happy with themselves and take it out on you .
Why should you have all the fun ?

Could be depression , borderline personality disorder or attention seeking .
Either way for your own sanity , avoid an angry confrontation and do things ,which make you happy .

But I do want to warn you that it can go wrong :

Tired of her husband's rudeness - one of my friends made her own life during the day and moved out of their bedroom .
He moved out .
He's initiated divorce and she lost half the house .

I'm watching one of my friends spend nights away from her morose husband.
I don't know if she's having an affair , because she's become secretive .
She claims that she's working .
Just before Christmas , she was away ffor five nights in one week .
His moods are definitely worsening .
I wonder if he's going to walk out .

I also know someone else , who after being a Miss Mouse for thirty years - finally changed and challenged her husband .
He didn't like it .
He found someone else .

Can you talk to your GP ?
Can you suggest counselling ?

I wish you a happy solution to a really horrible situation .

Homestead62

I'm sorry but I wouldn't put up with it. My favourite saying to my husband if he was in a strop would be we have two children and I don't need a third. Strangely his parents both were moody people and I couldn't be bothered with it. It's totally selfish behaviour. Call him out on it or ignore it, you will soon find it changes his tune when you remind him the world does not revolve around him. My other tack is, I either put something on TV that I want to watch, or I read a book and ignore him. If they want to sulk like three year olds let them sulk. They will soon find it's a very lonely life when you are out and about doing your own thing, and they are left wallowing in their own misery. Seriously, do what YOU want to do. Leave him to his own misery, life is far too short.

Absolutely agree. I am so happy with 3rd husband now but can remember the misery of living with what is, in fact abuse.

I suspect it’s depression. It could be because men tend to define themselves by their career and often find it hard to cope with retirement. My DH hates being old and not working. If he is ever told he is not fit to drive it will be the last straw. Your husband needs to find interests outside the home if you can face helping him to find something. But dealing with stubbornness is difficult. Many men depend on women once they retire. It’s very hard for you.

In life, you don't always get what you want, you always get what you get and you always get what you tolerate.

This behavior from your partner continues only because you are tolerating it. There’s no other explanation. By accepting it, you’re sending a message—he may believe, on some level, that it’s acceptable to you. As a result, he continues the behavior. Make a choice is my suggestion.

If your husband is depressed, he knows he is depressed. He should seek help.

As others have suggested, maybe you should have a serious talk with him - saying how unhappy you are, and that you feel you cannot go on like this. If he wants your marriage to continue he needs to seek help. If he does not respond then I think you have put up with this long enough.

60 isn't that old. There is still time for you to make a new life for yourself and be released from this continual feeling of dread and anxiety about these ever-changing moods. (I know how depressing it can be not knowing how the day is going to pan out and whether you are going to be made to feel responsible for someone else's bad moods).

Good luck. I hope life soon treats you better.

I agree with you there, those moods are about control, luckily I’m a strong person and I do what I want to now but my strength is waning as I get older. as a younger wife and mother I was controlled but didn’t know it. In todays world I could have divorced him years ago for many things unheard of then. Xx

I have read your update and others responses and it just occurred to me I wonder if he is on any medication? Sometimes that can interfere with their moods. My husband is but His father was a miserable old sod and he takes after him. As I have said in another post I put on here, my ma in law lives with us and I can see so many of her traits in him. Sulks if can’t get own way being one. My husband also gets grumpy if I am busy doing other things and not paying him attention. He will just sit and watch tv all day if I’m not here only getting off the chair when I come home!
Ignore your husband if in a mood, it is NOT your fault. Go read a book, have a bath or whatever. Sometimes I’d like to watch tv without mine but am unable to do so, we like different things and I can only watch what I want to when he isn’t here which is not very often unfortunately so if you are the same think about what you used to enjoy doing and set about finding something that makes YOU happy. Good luck, please keep us updated. Happy new year to a new you xxx

Oh my goodness, this could be me! I am so sorry.
My husband can be so nice when other people are around but changes personality at other times. His 92 year old mother lives with us and quite frankly I hate living here. He’s rotten to her and if I’m not well cannot cope with the house and cooking etc, I could say so many things. What I will do is read replies you get. Keep smiling, I try to but at 65 it’s getting harder. I have already told myself to see a solicitor in the new year to see if I can leave him. I don’t want to spend what time I have left feeling angry and miserable the time. After 40 years I’ve had enough.
Whatever YOU do, do it for YOU! There is a life out there it’s just how brave are we to try it on our own? I will update you on what I do, probably nothing as I have done for years now but it’s good to dream. Xxx

I agree with the majority of what people say about getting out and being your own person
However moodiness or whatever you call it can be a controlling mechanism and from personal experience it might be that if you do some things for yourself the efforts for control could escalate
No way am I saying don’t but for warned
is for armed
Be strong

I'm another one with a moody miserable OH. Mine sounds like he came out of the same mould as Kadinsky. I dealt with it by making my own enjoyment. Took myself off to visit a stately home, a few day trips with local coach company etc. Much better to improve your own happiness than to try and improve his.

So glad things improved.

And also so glad that you’re planning to take some positive steps for 2025.

May I suggest that you read up about adults with undiagnosed autism? So much more is known about it now, and it may shed some light on those mood swings…

I'm sorry but I wouldn't put up with it. My favourite saying to my husband if he was in a strop would be we have two children and I don't need a third. Strangely his parents both were moody people and I couldn't be bothered with it. It's totally selfish behaviour. Call him out on it or ignore it, you will soon find it changes his tune when you remind him the world does not revolve around him. My other tack is, I either put something on TV that I want to watch, or I read a book and ignore him. If they want to sulk like three year olds let them sulk. They will soon find it's a very lonely life when you are out and about doing your own thing, and they are left wallowing in their own misery. Seriously, do what YOU want to do. Leave him to his own misery, life is far too short.

I can only repeat what others have said live your life change your routine in order to tolerate your husbands. If you are able try new things even wrap up warm and go for a good walk. Take a bus or train ride take yourself out to clear your mind don’t pander to his whims.

Prepare his lunch dinner etc and leave him to his own devices. He won’t change but he might just realise how valuable you are even though he won’t admit it. Look after yourself and chat here anytime you need company life is too short.

You need to realise that after years of your husband’s behaviour - it is not your fault! Only YOU can make a difference to your situation. My husband is not moody but has become immobile within the last five years and developed habits that his family dislike. He has been told he cannot drive but won’t accept it. I have put myself out there to try and make new friends and acquaintances - we have only lived in our village for five years, but I have made lovely friends. I have tried to encourage my husband to join groups etc, to help him, but he says “they are not my kind of people”. So his social life is virtually non-existent. It’s up to him.

Thank you everyone for so much support and advice. Today was a better day. But this is the pattern, one day moody, the next ok. He acts as if nothing has happened, I don't know if he's even aware of his moods, despite me telling him how moody he is.

I say one day moody the next fine, but to be honest his moods can switch from fine to ok within minutes. Often I am left with the feeling I've done something wrong, when actually I haven't done anything at all.

I am going to reread everyones advice and take some positive steps to make my life happier in 2025

I’m so sorry you’re feeling down at this time of year. Could you try to explain to him how fed up you are? Maybe ask him if he’s happy with his life or would he like to live alone because that’s the way things are heading unless he changes his ways?

Hatty05darling, it sounds like you need to take your own advice.

Getting a husband to go to the doctor when he will not even discuss his moods, or tell you if anything is worrying him, is likely to be a thankless and quite impossible task.

You can and should try to persuade him to do so, especially if these moods are a relatively new thing.

Has he recently retired? This kind of behaviour is very, very common indeed in newly-retired people, especially men.

Have you a close friend, or adult children, or nieces and nephews, who know your husband you can discuss things with?

Have you told your husband frankly that his moods are ruining things for you?

Even if Christmas does not mean a lot to him ( a guess on my part) he should be aware by now that he is spoiling it for you, and how selfish that is.

So tell him, you need him either to snap out of this moodiness or at the very least tell you what is bothering him.

If this goes on, it will not only be Christmas he spoils, but your marriage as well.

By all means follow others' advice about finding independant activities for yourself in the new year, but doing so can be hard, depending on where you live, and make your husband even moodier. Telling him straitly that you find his behaviour selfish and childish is not likely to go down well either, but if things are to change for the better, you might just want to give it a go.

Hmmmm my husband is similar but not quite so bad! He sucks the life out of me and hates me mixing with friends or visiting, occasionally, friends! I’m afraid that after your GP visit you have to give him an ultimatum! He either sees the doctor, changes his attitude or you’re off!! I know it’s hard, even if you have to sofa surf or be a quiet nuisance to friend or relatives but you will become ill! My reaction to bad moods is tears and then six weeks of chronic skin conditions!! Life is VERY short, you only have one and he clearly needs meds or a kick up the backside! That said I really hope you can bring about some changes!! Good luck and sent with a very big hug! X

I truly hope that today has been an improvement.
High days and holidays usually have a similar pattern here due to neurodivergence and a complicated medical condition.
My only answer is to look after me. Yesterday evening I read a Xmas murder mystery, with tv on in the background and a lovely dog asleep at my feet. I would have like good human company but it wasn’t to be.

Today has been less awful . This morning I took the dog for a very nice walk. I made a simple lunch which was eaten. Hope your day is getting better xx

Hope you had a good walk or got yourself among other people for a while, Roselley, and feel a little better as a result.

I don't know where you are but around here there are lots of social groups on facebook and meetup. Just because he does not want to go out you can. Through these groups you will meet lots of people and make friends. Friends that will support you and help you cope with things and change things.

Give yourself a lovely day today Roselley.

You can speak to the GP about your husband although they'll be limited in what they can say to you.
Please don't let them frame it as something you need to be medicated for, though. Your husband is the one who may have a medical problem .

Take back your life with some of the helpful advice on here.

You are only 60.. that is young enough to have a completely different life.. I would do as others say and get some fresh air today.. then after Christmas start to seriously plan how your life could be different.. if you need lots of ideas how to achieve that come back on here.. you will always get help..