Miserable Husband

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Post it all on f b that ll cheer you up

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I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, especially during a time that’s meant to bring comfort and connection. It sounds like you’ve tried to be patient and understanding for a long time, and it’s heartbreaking that your efforts haven’t been met with the same care. You deserve to feel appreciated, heard, and loved—not drained. Sometimes, holding on too long to something that constantly hurts us only pulls us further away from who we truly are. Rebuilding a happier life is possible, even if it feels scary. I’ve learned through my own hard seasons (even while dealing with stressful work like coordinating Remote Deposition Services) that peace is worth fighting for. You’re not alone, and this doesn’t have to be your forever.

No response from OP. I do hope she has taken some measures to improve things since the New Year.

Surely living alone couldn't be worse than living constantly on edge with arguments and resentment.
And you have your sister around who sounds like a good egg.
Now is the time to act.
Get your ducks in a row.
See a solicitor.
And as bob marley sang
quoting Marcus Garvey
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.

I have been with my partner for 32 years I’m 77 Xmas this year was hell always arguing my Xmas meal was a bowl of cereal and a cup of tea.
My partner is resentful because I have a sister and makes me feel uncomfortable when I visit her.
So many arguments in the past five years if I go on holiday with my sister it’s resented because she hasn’t had a holiday but doesn’t bother to suggest anything.
I want her to buy me out of the house we share it’s been agreed
she doesn’t want that but she will never change.
My sister invites her every week for dinner says she doesn’t like her.
I think we should part am I too old to do this at my age.
I retire next month I feel ill at the thought of being alone at my age.

As others have said 60 is too young to be miserable any longer. Firstly find a job if you don't already have one, that will give you income, a reason to be out of the house, the chance of making new friends and a new social life. This may help you decide if to stay or go. Financial independence is always helpful. Good luck what ever you do.😊

Hi Roselley. I just came across your post while searching about husbands that never want to do family things. I kind of feel your struggle. Just wondering how you are doing?

Me too.
On his ipad, reading all the most miserable items he can

Nuttynora - your description made me laugh - I’m going to read it again just have another laugh at the expense of your DH
🤣🤣🤣🤣

You sound much better blessed in the sense of humour department, Nuttynora.

I'm smiling at your description of your man.

My husband is the most grumpy, miserable, domineering old beggar, he lived all his working life Monday to Friday in Officers messes, never been faithfull. We are the same age and I still spend my life working while he sits in his reclining chair on the blessed ipad I stupidly bought him, reading all the most miserable items he can find, if he smiled at me I would faint,laughed I would fly off on my broomstick . H,e never leaves the house. I go to Guild care, the most wonderful organisation which saves my sanity, provides me with great friends, fun, entertainment and fun. Thankyou so much Guild care and your fantastic members I really couldn't go on without you xx

Roselley I'm another who would say think of yourself here, and set things in motion to move on with your life.

Do you really think you have a life with this controlling man in what sounds to me like a toxic relationship.

I lived in a similar situation with my husband for nearly all our marriage (11 years) before I finally saw sense and ended the marriage when I was 69. It's not easy but at least I don't have to walk on eggshells, or be pulled down as he 'sucks the joy' from my life any more. There are so many similarities with what you are describing in your existence with this man and the life I had. My ex had MH issues, but that didn't excuse his behaviour. He chose not to engage in treatment that was offered and was aware of how his behaviour affected his life and mine.

His final desperate act of control was the breaking point for me.

I have never regretted my decision, only the fact that I should have had the courage to act sooner.

How do you get a happier life?

Leave this selfish man who doesn't care about you or your needs.

I left my partner when I was 60 and I had thought we could stick it out.

He didn't even try to find out where I was once I had left. We communicated only to sell the house, which we owned jointly.

I gave up my lovely home, friends and community activities to move nearer to my family.

Seven years on I am happier than I have probably ever been. We were living a lie for years.

Yes, you can find a life filling your life with activities and social groups- but you still have to come back to this man who sucks your energy and motivation dry. It does work for some, but unless you want to be in tears again next Christmas you are going to have to develop some self-belief and make a life where you make your own decisions and find your own pleasures without someone else spoiling your fun.

I really wish you well and would like to think this time next year you will be in a very different place.

Say goodbye

Even if someone is depressed, as opposed to just a miserable sod, if they're affecting other people it's time to get help.

You’re only 60 not 80. Do you want decades more of living with this joy-sucking person? Get a divorce before it’s too late, I really feel for you.

I watched this happen to a very dear friend. Her husband was 'let go' from his job in his fifties and he sulked for the rest of his life, doing his best to suck the joy out of her life. She was very outgoing, gregarious, kind, social , who enjoyed life, and she was devoted to him and did everything she could to alleviate his depression, and also his intense selfishness.

She was not helped by her children, who felt she should give up friendships ands social activities, but not her job which brought in much needed income, to 'look after poor dad' whose favoured activity was to sit in the main living room with headphones clamped on his head listening to his music, refusing to communicate with anyone, and equally refusing to do anything to help run the household.
My advice would be to attempt to get your husband to seek medical advice, while seriously considering developing a life of your own, on your terms. I don't think your husband will change, and you have to create your own life, either a parallel one with him or on your own.

I can identify with so much of this. What really makes things unbearable is the horrible loud throat clearing sounds. He knows the cause is acid reflux and says he can't help it but he controls it around other people. He knows it bothers me but becomes irate and nasty when I mention it. We've been married almost 60 years. I take antidepressant and need to take better care of myself and making myself #1. I've usually given in to him to keep the peace.

Esmay you say things can go wrong, with examples.
Yet surely a grumpy husband taking himself off can be a good thing.

Roselley, I have come late to this discussion and hope you are feeling a bit better after discussing your problems with the kind people on this site. I agree that you do need to make a big effort to meet some new people, perhaps you could join something like the University of the Third Age, they have numerous different activities and I’m sure there would be one to interest you. Don’t be put off by the name university it is basically a number of groups that meet to enjoy a certain activity that can be anything from going for walks to days out or theatre trips. I know it won’t be easy but be brave and make that first move. However, before making any other major changes,such as leaving your husband, you need to look carefully at your finances. Do you own the house between you? If so don’t just move out before seeing a solicitor. Do you have an independent income? Sit down and look at every aspect before making any major decisions. A visit to your local Citizens Advice could help with all this. Only once you know where you stand should you have that conversation with your husband. I hope this helps. Good luck and be brave

Some questions and suggestions.

Does he try and isolate you from others?

Do you feel you need to walk around on eggshells?

Does he have a temper?

Is he angry?
At others or just you?
At his upbringing or his family?

Is he jealous of others?

Does he have disappointments in his life?

Does he fear death?

Could you record him/video him with his permission[I have been surprised in my life who will allow that]. He may be surprised how he acts/talks/thinks.

Rosselly - is he having an affair ? I’m asking from experience.
My husband was moody - turned out he was having an affair- finally left me, we divorced and he married her.