I agree that it is a good idea to look at this changed attitude and make a note of things that are very unlike him, or that he has never done before. Speak to other family members and see if they have seen these problems arising. Make a note of anything that is really strange, the date, his attitude, etc. so that if things get any worse you have the notebook to refer to when you speak to the doctor. That is what you can do for him.
Now , my suggestions as to what you do for yourself. Firstly, if you have only joint accounts, but either party can take out money , I would suggest that you go and open an account of your own, and if you have the option, at another bank altogether. Then put a decent amount into it from the joint account, before you contact any doctors or anything.. I would suggest that you think of at least 3 months worth of your expenses plus a bit more. If you can get him to agree, do power of attorney , so that you have the right to deal with things if he is diagnosed with dementia. Once that diagnosis if given I think you will find that you will not be able to deal with the joint account as you have up to now. The bank is mostly concerned with their own back, but also of course the patient, so you can end up with money in the account that you are unable to access. Even with POA, you read constantly of people having difficulties with the bank, allowing them to use the bank account.
Then I would say "whats sauce for the goose , is sauce for the gander" So rather than have a big row with him, ignore him as much as possible and decide which day you want to go out on your own. Say nothing to him, prepare your bag, so that you might go to meet a good friend, go to somewhere you havent been for a while, or just take your swimming things, go to the pool and have a good swim and then have a meal. Of course, leave before he gets up. Dont leave any information as to where you have gone , or how long you will be. Come home when it suits you, and if he starts to moan or bluster about it, you simply say, "I have only done just what you did. What is the problem?" If he goes on about selfishness, lack of concern etc etc, you reply, well I see what you mean, but I learnt from you how to do it. In the meantime, you could be thinking what you want to do in the long term. It seems very sad if you have to split up at this stage, but you are entitled to a calm and decent life. If things go on like this, you will be constantly anxious, edgy, and wondering what the next day will bring. I have been in this state, for a different reason, and it was so difficult to make decisions, but eventually I left. Financially I was worse off, but oh the lifting of the spirits, the relaxation, no longer feeling scared and uptight when you hear the key in the lock. My only wish is that I had done it years before. You have been faithful and honest and done more than your best, there is a limit and I think that this crosses the line. If you have a very close friend, who you can trust, you might talk it over with them and as you talk the practicalities through, I think you will find yourself thinking over what you would like to happen for the best. Living elsewhere but keeping in touch, so that you feel sale and comfortable but still care about him. Moving completely away and having no contact, or possibly remaining in the home if he is able to change and agree to a different way of living, so you look after yourself as he does. Think of the pros and cons of each method and decide what is best for you and go for it. Very good luck and do let me know how you get on. The main thing is that YOU ARE RIGHT, dont let yourself be blackmailed or bullied into carrying on in the way he has.
