Strange behaviour from DH

What happened, OP? Did you have words? has he got better or are you resigned to living with an increasingly unpleasant old man?

Sorry to say this out loud but.men are so friggin weird. Get out while you still have all your marbles.

Reading this thread with great interest, after having one of the worst Christmas's due to husbands moods and feelings of being not listened to. Madeleine45 has some excellent points in her post, I am taking it all on board, in case things escalate with my own husband.
But dear god, it is such miserable time, I don't know which way to jump, stay put and live separate lives, or move out of my beloved home, so I do not have to put up with him at all. Wish I had a crystal ball....

ExDancer

Namsnanny she thought it was hilarious and is coming round tomorrow morning for a coffee and a "sherry or two" (her words).
I'd better get a bottle in

Sounds like a good friend to me.

I hope you had a good gossip (moan) and a really good laugh about it all?

Your husband’s behaviour is not that of a caring husband in my opinion. My husband is being tested at the moment, memory, brain scan, etc, and his behaviour has changed in the last year. His memory is definitely getting worse, mobility is bad and he has developed undignified behaviour. I suspect dementia of some type but not diagnosed as yet. If he gets worse, I will ask for an assessment from Social Services. I find all this stressful and a lack of a diagnosis means coping by myself. I am lucky to have supportive family and also go to a Carers Group for support. Again, he has lack of empathy and is interested only in himself.

I would be concerned for his mental health.

...... and if this unpleasant behaviour is continuing.

Probably he told the friend that exDancer was sulking after a tiff.

The key point is whether DH's nasty behaviour is typical of him or is fairly recent.

Some friend.. I'd have been concerned for your wellbeing, and at the very least have rung you..

Be interested to hear how your catch up with your friend goes!
In the meantime, how’s the atmosphere with your husband?
Still chilly or have things thawed out a bit?

Not sure what kind of a friend she is to think it ‘hilarious’ though admittedly she only had his side of the tale. I’d have given him short shrift and called you straight away to ask if you were OK. Hope you can talk to her about it when you meet up, as his behaviour was petulant and unacceptable and you could do with some support to tackle it going forward.

It is a week since Christmas day and I am assuming that you have not had a discussion with your husband about his churlish behaviour and the reasons for it.
See what your friend has to say about his behaviour on Boxing Day, but I think your description of him as 'a selfish bastard, who undervalues me' is closer to the truth.

ExDancer

Namsnanny she thought it was hilarious and is coming round tomorrow morning for a coffee and a "sherry or two" (her words).
I'd better get a bottle in

Are we to assume that as your neighbour found it hilarious, there is no concern about your husband's mental health?

Namsnanny she thought it was hilarious and is coming round tomorrow morning for a coffee and a "sherry or two" (her words).
I'd better get a bottle in

Any feedback from the neighbours you were left behind from?

This is a concern for you.
So assuming you have the same GP as your husband you can cert consult the doc with regard to your own concerns.
Health is more than hips etc and a family doctor ought to be concerned with the whole person. Body and mind.
All the best.

If my husband were to behave like this, I would definitely be very worried for his health. If he isn't usually prone to strops, try explaining the situation to your GP, who will suggest a list of symptoms to watch out for with regard to stroke, dementia, depression, etc. Your husband needn't go with you at this stage -- although your GP won't talk specifically about your husband's medical records because of patient confidentiality, (s)he will listen to your side of the situation and offer appropriate advice.

ExDancer Have your neighbours reported back to you about your husbands arrival and your absence from the usual gathering?

Apart from the possible embarrassment from asking them the question, they might shed some light on his demeanor whilst he was with them?

I hope you find a happy conclusion.

Yes you can certainly say it but in my case it would not be acted upon.
I hope things have changed in recent years.

NittWitt

^Can you just ring a doctor's surgery and ask to speak to a doctor about someone else's mental health? What about patient confidentiality?^

Yes, you can.
The doctor is limited in what they can say to you but you can say whatever you want to them.

The doctor cannot discuss another patient with you, but you can let them know that you have concerns. The doctor may then see fit to invite the person for ‘an over 75s check up’ or some such ‘cover’, and include some non-obvious assessment that way.

That’s assuming, of course, that the person would be fiercely and maybe angrily resistant to any suggestion that they may have dementia. As many people are, often IMO because at any given moment they can’t remember that they can’t remember anything- if that makes sense.
My mother was one such.

Can you just ring a doctor's surgery and ask to speak to a doctor about someone else's mental health? What about patient confidentiality?

Yes, you can.
The doctor is limited in what they can say to you but you can say whatever you want to them.

Maybe it is really simple. He did not want to go out. He just wanted to stay at home at Christmas. Some people do not like company. My husband is a bit like that. He is happy at home. I like company!

That’s just petulant whatever his issue, lock him out for sure.

Primrose53

ExDancer

When you've been married 64 years you the small day-to-day changes in your partner's behaviour creep in unnoticed. I had time yesterday to ponder on how much he's changed over the last 12 months.
This kind of thing has never happened before, but there have been a few subtle signs that he's losing touch, or may empathy, with other people. And I think its more than just old-age forgetfulness.
Very few men of 80+ do any cooking, so you young 70 year olds ..... please understand its the way they were brought up, not a sign that a marriage is on the brink of breaking up. He has his own business (now in partnership with our son who does the lion's share of work) and had gone out by the time I got up this morning. I presume he's gone 'to work' without letting me know.
I need to know if this inward-looking, selfish attitude, which is new, is indeed the beginning of dementia or just a massive sulk at not getting a home cooked meal. I'll see how he is at lunchtime.
Can you just ring a doctor's surgery and ask to speak to a doctor about someone else's mental health? What about patient confidentiality?

You are right about patient confidentiality. We have recently been involved with that. Do you have Power of Attorney or have you done letters to GP allowing each other to discuss medical care.

If you haven’t, then I can see nothing wrong in speaking or writing to the GP and voicing your concerns. If they have anything about them they could contact him and invite him to visit for an annual check up or similar. You would not be asking anything and he would not be disclosing anything. 😉

Even though there is all this stuff these days whereby people need "official permission" to talk to a persons doctor about a close relative - there's an at least reasonable chance the doctor will speak to someone as close as a spouse anyway - maybe especially if it's dementia.

My late mothers doctor did tell me in a recent phone conversation that she strongly suspected my mother had dementia - even though it hadn't been officially diagnosed. I knew my mother would have been furious she'd done so - as she was such a "private person" she barely even told her husband (my father) anything - and definitely told me VERY little ever. It helped a little bit when my parents died to know her hateful last act to me might - possibly - be a dementia thing rather than something she would have done even in her right mind iyswim.

I have my doubts - I think she'd still have done that hateful thing to me anyway - but her doctor "cast enough light" that I think maybe/just maybe she hadn't done it deliberately and knowingly and it was possibly the dementia speaking so to say.

Thank you for your sensible advice, especially madeleine and jeannie - you have hit the problem on the head. I'm not complaining over who does which household tasks, thats not the issue.
The feeling that I am under-valued is what hurts the most and suddenly realising what a selfish bastard he has turned into.
Time to consider number one, and that's me.