First Christmas after separation

Thank you eazybee. Your experience sounds horrendous - I can't imagine how I would cope with young children.

I do not want to leave and I do feel, whether intentional or not, his aim could be to drive me out. And the I get the impression that new woman is highly manipulative, whispering in his ear in a competitive 'need to win' way. So I will be wary of her, attempt to maintain my dignity and hope for some measure of karma in the near future...

And you are right - the unfairness and the injustice of it all is almost as bad as the discarding and lying.

Thank you for your understanding response.

Dear ontheedge you have done brilliantly to get thus far; it is only eight months since your husband turned your whole life upside down. Christmas must have been full of echoes of the past but with the company of your children it is not surprising that you collapsed after they left. It will pass; you are grieving and grief hits hard and unexpectedly, but eventually returns less frequently until one day you realise you don't care
Your husband is a liar and a cheat, and above all, utterly crass, renting in the same village and attempting to rejoin your social circle; he no doubt thinks he is no end of a dog. Don't allow yourself to be driven out unless you really want to leave, but don't underestimate his new woman. Unfortunately, social life is geared to couples and single women pay the price, not cheating husbands.
For now, just concentrate on getting through each day; cry in the shower, and make it to your work if you can. See your friends but guard your tongue. You will find who your real friends are. Be as dignified as you can, some comfort in the dark hours of the night.(I wasn't always.)
I was 41 when it happened to me, it was not a happy marriage, a complicated situation and not a clean break. I reluctantly followed my husband, at his persuasion after a trial separation, to his new job; I still don't understand why he wanted us as he virtually abandoned us once there. I knew no-one but soon learned everyone knew him and also his 'wife', the woman he was living with who had adopted his name. I had children of primary age, a new job, and suddenly a large mortgage to meet which kept me going, but I know the despair you feel.

It will get better and you ^will6 find the strength to cope, but it will be hard at present and desperately unfair.

Grief can ambush you at any time, and the enforced jollity of this time of year makes it worse. Whinge all you like here because many of us know sorrow, though not perhaps of the kind you feel. When you reach the stage of being angry you are on the mend, I think.

Sending you best wishes

Not a whinge at all .... letting feelings out in a safe neutral space. It makes sense.

Thank you for your kind words and helpful advice. I know, in the back recesses of my brain, that all that you say is correct; practice self-compassion, cry/let it out, time will heal. step by step....but right now it is such a dark place - I thought that I was over the worst of the pain so it is a real shock to find myself here. I want to find the positives but I can't see them at the moment. I know that objectively I have a lot to be thankful for - but everything feels so heavy it's like I can't breathe.
My ex has rented somewhere nearby, so every time I go shopping I dread bumping into him; his workspace is in the village where I live so I can't go for a walk without seeing his car, he uses the same suppliers as me and he has introduced his new ' supply' to them so I'm expecting an encounter each time I visit. It is badly affecting my ability to work and earn an income.
I want to move on and let go but he seems to lurk around every corner. He is now even reinserting himself socially, so I realise friends who I trusted with my vulnerability might let slip things which were told in confidence so now I feel I can't talk to them.
It all feels such a hopeless tangled mess. I'm normally a very strong and resilient person - I had to be because my ex was a total lightweight - but right now I don't recognise myself.
I'm sorry that this is such a whinge.
Thank you all for listening and responding.

My DS found himself in a similar situation. It was very hard at first but he eventually managed to find a way through and for the last few years has been much happier without the narcissism etc.

Of course you're going to regret the effort you put into your marriage and mourn what should have been. You're allowed to do that! Take your time, care for yourself, find things to enjoy that you wouldn't have before. Hopefully next year will be easier. Good luck.

ontheedge I have sent you a PM.

Loads of good advice here. This is my second year of separating from my soon to be ex-husband. I'm waiting for my divorce to come through and not sure if that along with the time of year makes us all more reflective. However I think I'm more accepting of where I am and I'm kind to myself as well. When I think of where I was at the start of this year, I'm more able to acknowledge how far I've come. I look after myself well. Make sure I exercise most days, eat well and have a few friends and family to rely on. I'm very lucky and I've been able to have a bit of compassion for myself. As mentioned before just take it day by day and you'll get there. Don't isolate yourself, I know without my friends I would be worse off. I can honestly day that I'm looking forward to next year and i'd never have thought i'd be saying that. You're still healing but time does wonders. You'll get there

Please take some of the advice here about taking care of yourself and trying to find the positives, ontheedge.
I was in your position some years ago and found Christmas difficult, with it's happy - couples/ happy- family connotations, but that's behind you now.
The New Year approaches and a new and better life awaits, truly. Good luck.

From experience (albeit many years ago) I can say with confidence that it WILL get better. Although it doesn’t seem like it now. When it happened to me there was a song in the charts - Step by Step (by Whitney I think) step by step, bit by bit, day by day…..
I just got through one day, then another. It feels like bereavement- but unlike bereavement you’ll get over it. It will leave a scar, but please know that it won’t always be this bad.
Good advice from M0nica. Let the tears flow, then venture into your new world. X

I have been exactly where you are but my children were very young so it is a long time ago. I am convinced it was what gave me the strength to carry on my children but at the time I was in a very dark place.
Do what you feel like doing for now switch off for while allow the anger the tears to shed it’s natural you need time to heal. Your family and friends know you they understand you need time to regenerate. It is not easy and it is a slow process but you will get through it.
Think of your family and how bright their future will be and your involvement of it. It’s a very positive way to go forward for your new life away from the negative past life. It will give you the strength to face what is next gradually you will feel better but do it in stages.
Eat properly sleep energise yourself it will repair the damage mentally and physically and most of all believe in yourself.

I thnk anyone in your position is bound to have a bad time in the period immediately after Christmas, especially when it has included grown up children, who stay a few days and then return home.

I write from a position of no experience, but my thoughts would be to let these feelings rip, fully indulge them, cry out your grief, your pain your lonliness, until you can cry no more- and then decide new year, new you, new life. Put your sadness and unhappiness to one side, it will always be there, and start to think of the spring coming for the world and for you and plant seeds of growth of happiness, and go out into that world like a newly hatched bird and explore the new and exciting wolrd ahead of you.

This is not a situation that I have had to face, but I can identify a bit as I lost my OH through illness. But I can see that it must be so hard to have to add a sense of betrayal into the mix.

I am glad that you have had your adult children around to share Christmas with you - but it is hard when they go home - back to their lives when your own life is so changed.

It does sound as though you have been putting your new life together but that Christmas, which is always an emotional time, has been a blip on that path. I hope that you can pick up the threads of your recovery - there will be setbacks I am sure, but the important thing is that the trajectory is in the right direction.

Treat this as a blip and do not let it knock you off course.