First Christmas after separation

This is not a situation that I have had to face, but I can identify a bit as I lost my OH through illness. But I can see that it must be so hard to have to add a sense of betrayal into the mix.

I am glad that you have had your adult children around to share Christmas with you - but it is hard when they go home - back to their lives when your own life is so changed.

It does sound as though you have been putting your new life together but that Christmas, which is always an emotional time, has been a blip on that path. I hope that you can pick up the threads of your recovery - there will be setbacks I am sure, but the important thing is that the trajectory is in the right direction.

Treat this as a blip and do not let it knock you off course.

I thnk anyone in your position is bound to have a bad time in the period immediately after Christmas, especially when it has included grown up children, who stay a few days and then return home.

I write from a position of no experience, but my thoughts would be to let these feelings rip, fully indulge them, cry out your grief, your pain your lonliness, until you can cry no more- and then decide new year, new you, new life. Put your sadness and unhappiness to one side, it will always be there, and start to think of the spring coming for the world and for you and plant seeds of growth of happiness, and go out into that world like a newly hatched bird and explore the new and exciting wolrd ahead of you.

I have been exactly where you are but my children were very young so it is a long time ago. I am convinced it was what gave me the strength to carry on my children but at the time I was in a very dark place.
Do what you feel like doing for now switch off for while allow the anger the tears to shed it’s natural you need time to heal. Your family and friends know you they understand you need time to regenerate. It is not easy and it is a slow process but you will get through it.
Think of your family and how bright their future will be and your involvement of it. It’s a very positive way to go forward for your new life away from the negative past life. It will give you the strength to face what is next gradually you will feel better but do it in stages.
Eat properly sleep energise yourself it will repair the damage mentally and physically and most of all believe in yourself.

From experience (albeit many years ago) I can say with confidence that it WILL get better. Although it doesn’t seem like it now. When it happened to me there was a song in the charts - Step by Step (by Whitney I think) step by step, bit by bit, day by day…..
I just got through one day, then another. It feels like bereavement- but unlike bereavement you’ll get over it. It will leave a scar, but please know that it won’t always be this bad.
Good advice from M0nica. Let the tears flow, then venture into your new world. X

Please take some of the advice here about taking care of yourself and trying to find the positives, ontheedge.
I was in your position some years ago and found Christmas difficult, with it's happy - couples/ happy- family connotations, but that's behind you now.
The New Year approaches and a new and better life awaits, truly. Good luck.

Loads of good advice here. This is my second year of separating from my soon to be ex-husband. I'm waiting for my divorce to come through and not sure if that along with the time of year makes us all more reflective. However I think I'm more accepting of where I am and I'm kind to myself as well. When I think of where I was at the start of this year, I'm more able to acknowledge how far I've come. I look after myself well. Make sure I exercise most days, eat well and have a few friends and family to rely on. I'm very lucky and I've been able to have a bit of compassion for myself. As mentioned before just take it day by day and you'll get there. Don't isolate yourself, I know without my friends I would be worse off. I can honestly day that I'm looking forward to next year and i'd never have thought i'd be saying that. You're still healing but time does wonders. You'll get there

ontheedge I have sent you a PM.

My DS found himself in a similar situation. It was very hard at first but he eventually managed to find a way through and for the last few years has been much happier without the narcissism etc.

Of course you're going to regret the effort you put into your marriage and mourn what should have been. You're allowed to do that! Take your time, care for yourself, find things to enjoy that you wouldn't have before. Hopefully next year will be easier. Good luck.

Thank you for your kind words and helpful advice. I know, in the back recesses of my brain, that all that you say is correct; practice self-compassion, cry/let it out, time will heal. step by step....but right now it is such a dark place - I thought that I was over the worst of the pain so it is a real shock to find myself here. I want to find the positives but I can't see them at the moment. I know that objectively I have a lot to be thankful for - but everything feels so heavy it's like I can't breathe.
My ex has rented somewhere nearby, so every time I go shopping I dread bumping into him; his workspace is in the village where I live so I can't go for a walk without seeing his car, he uses the same suppliers as me and he has introduced his new ' supply' to them so I'm expecting an encounter each time I visit. It is badly affecting my ability to work and earn an income.
I want to move on and let go but he seems to lurk around every corner. He is now even reinserting himself socially, so I realise friends who I trusted with my vulnerability might let slip things which were told in confidence so now I feel I can't talk to them.
It all feels such a hopeless tangled mess. I'm normally a very strong and resilient person - I had to be because my ex was a total lightweight - but right now I don't recognise myself.
I'm sorry that this is such a whinge.
Thank you all for listening and responding.

Not a whinge at all .... letting feelings out in a safe neutral space. It makes sense.

Sending you best wishes

Grief can ambush you at any time, and the enforced jollity of this time of year makes it worse. Whinge all you like here because many of us know sorrow, though not perhaps of the kind you feel. When you reach the stage of being angry you are on the mend, I think.

Dear ontheedge you have done brilliantly to get thus far; it is only eight months since your husband turned your whole life upside down. Christmas must have been full of echoes of the past but with the company of your children it is not surprising that you collapsed after they left. It will pass; you are grieving and grief hits hard and unexpectedly, but eventually returns less frequently until one day you realise you don't care
Your husband is a liar and a cheat, and above all, utterly crass, renting in the same village and attempting to rejoin your social circle; he no doubt thinks he is no end of a dog. Don't allow yourself to be driven out unless you really want to leave, but don't underestimate his new woman. Unfortunately, social life is geared to couples and single women pay the price, not cheating husbands.
For now, just concentrate on getting through each day; cry in the shower, and make it to your work if you can. See your friends but guard your tongue. You will find who your real friends are. Be as dignified as you can, some comfort in the dark hours of the night.(I wasn't always.)
I was 41 when it happened to me, it was not a happy marriage, a complicated situation and not a clean break. I reluctantly followed my husband, at his persuasion after a trial separation, to his new job; I still don't understand why he wanted us as he virtually abandoned us once there. I knew no-one but soon learned everyone knew him and also his 'wife', the woman he was living with who had adopted his name. I had children of primary age, a new job, and suddenly a large mortgage to meet which kept me going, but I know the despair you feel.

It will get better and you ^will6 find the strength to cope, but it will be hard at present and desperately unfair.

Thank you eazybee. Your experience sounds horrendous - I can't imagine how I would cope with young children.

I do not want to leave and I do feel, whether intentional or not, his aim could be to drive me out. And the I get the impression that new woman is highly manipulative, whispering in his ear in a competitive 'need to win' way. So I will be wary of her, attempt to maintain my dignity and hope for some measure of karma in the near future...

And you are right - the unfairness and the injustice of it all is almost as bad as the discarding and lying.

Thank you for your understanding response.

GrannySomerset

Grief can ambush you at any time, and the enforced jollity of this time of year makes it worse. Whinge all you like here because many of us know sorrow, though not perhaps of the kind you feel. When you reach the stage of being angry you are on the mend, I think.

Oh gosh - I am so angry...! I have all the feels - just don't know what to deal with first!

I just wanted to say how sorry I am youre feeling this. Christmas can be truly awful and it has tipped me this year into the feelings you describe for different reasons. I think it will truly get better once this interminable week is over!! Then you can start taking baby steps

How sad I feel for you ontheedge, you have done nothing wrong and he is behaving so badly. All I can say is that it will all fade, people who know you both will know exactly what he has done and will always remember that.
I wondered how your grown up children feel about his behavious?

I just wanted to reach out and send you a virtual hug 'Ontheedge'. What a tough year you've had! You've probably already done this, but if not, can I suggest that if funds allow you do a 'make over'. New hairstyle, a fresh wardrobe, take up exercise if you didn't bother when you were with him, etc. I don't suggest this in any way as an attempt to get him back, but to actually make YOU feel good about yourself, as sadly when we're with someone for a long time, it seems inevitable that we relax into ourselves, and some of us allow the pounds to creep on, stop treating ourselves to a manicure, or new haircut, etc. So now that you have the extra time that you probably spent waiting on him, hand, foot and finger, why not use it to really treat yourself? Just my thoughts, but above all else, let yourself grieve for the marriage you lost, and then when you've cried until you can cry no more, give your face a wash, and try and go out for a good long walk, as the exercise will bring on the feel good factor, and will help you get through. Sending hugs your way.

Having been where you are, I can tell you that, just as after a bereavement, the first year will be full of firsts, but you'll never have to do them again.
You have every right to feel awful after such a dreadful betrayal - I know how that rocks the world and you feel like you will never be happy again.
Allow yourself this time of grieving - it's normal, natural and okay - but always bear in mind that "this too shall pass". It will end, the day will come when you wake up ready to pick up your life.
It's not easy to rebuild and it won't happen all at once, but it's not impossible.
If you have grandchildren you may have read We're Going on a Bear Hunt where they say "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, we can't go around it, we've got to go through it" and so it is with grief - but you're doing it now and one day you will emerge on the other side to find the sun shining again.

If, as you say, you feel that you've burdened friends enough, may I suggest journalling? Any old notepad you have lying around will do. Just pour all your thoughts and feelings into it whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. I did it when I was in a similar position and it helped enormously. Plus, re-reading the journal after the worst was over, I could actually see the progress that I'd made. All the best to you!

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad, miserable, hurt, betrayed, abandoned and more. It’s wretched and I suspect harder at this time of life than when I realised how destructive my then marriage was when I was aged 28.
You’re grieving but without many of the rituals that can help us through. Anger is important yet exhausting.
As with bereavement and other losses, be gentle with yourself. We all find ways to help ourselves. Getting out for a walk is free, can happen anytime anywhere and can be done as a solitary activity. It helps me but isn’t for everyone. Try and find something that lifts or distracts you. Remember everything changes, it won’t always be so hard

Same happened to me after 43 years. It takes time. First time for everything is worst, after that it's easier. I'm now 9 years past that awful time and very happy. Keep your chin up. Life gets better.

Oh gosh, so similar to what happened to me, after 36 years marriage. He went off with another woman also in the village, and he took had been nasty and abusive. It really is the pits. I found a lot of support in online support groups, I found a great one called chump lady, for those whose spouse has gone off with someone else ( and I bet you anything your stbx has been cheating if he managed to find some else apparently so quickly. I did a lot of writing things down, so if I ever felt nostalgic I could look and see what life has been like. I joined a group for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Then there is the so many first, going back to places where we'd been together. After nearly 40 years together it would have limited my life so much if I'd avoided them all, so I tried slowly to replace with new memories, going with friends or on my own, once you've got past the first anniversary it is a bit easier. I did have some counselling, getting divorced pro weddings started just brought another set of problems, but you need to do it, you file so you can drive proceedings, if he does he will possibly stall to upset you.
Do fo and ask the doc.for help, my doc was great and the antidepressants I had did help, he upped the dose until they made an impact. I weaned myself off them when I felt better, no issues there. Talk to non friends, if you're worried about them, I did eventually find a group for women who'd suffered abuse, and the stuff you mention is coercive control, it really really helped and helped with the looking back too.
It will take time, even after nearly 12 years I still sometimes have triggers, but very slowly things will improve. I tried so many things to take my mind off things, things like I went to an archery session, something is always wanted to do, kept.on with beginner horse riding lessons, these were great because I couldn't think of anything else when I was concentrating on doing all the right things. I drove a tractor, and had a ride on my brother in law's motor trike, I started learning to roller skate at the local roller derby team, didn't get far as started worrying about falling, but I did it. I did some long walks, and went to places that I'd not been, and I knit, not a new thing but doing something easy can help keep your mind off things.
That's what I did. I tried to avoid places if I knew he might be there, and people who might 'side' with him. But if there are people who you think he might be buttering up, no harm in telling them what happened. If he stalks you or there is post separation abuse, go to the police, coercive control and stalking us a crime, keep a record of things.
And just think that what you are feeling is a normal response to what happened.
And when you are feeling up.to.it, make a start on sorting out his rubbish and chucking it, and returning anything of his to him. Get some nice new bedding that he's never seen, replace anything that was his choice with things of your choice. All the above obviously when you are feeling up to doing them

There is lots of good advice here and much compassion for your situation - which I share. This is a challenging time. I suggest you go one step at a time. Start simply by getting up, wash, dress, stand up straight. Remind yourself that you have faced the situation before Christmas and that you still have the courage and worth to take one step at a time now. Then decide on your next step - maybe just a cup of tea, and listen to some music you like......you will choose each step. I wish you well.