First Christmas after separation

I understand and been there and survived it, just take a day at a time and be glad you've got rid of him. Better off without him. Good advice on here all survivors, things can only get better.💐

#ontheedge believe me Karma is a real thing. And it Will get him. I am not a spiritual person but I have personal experience that proves "what goes around, comes around".
Wishing you strength to get through this low point in your life. Keep telling yourself "I will get through this". You will. 🫂

I’ve been there - he told me, he was leaving me for the woman who we had dinner with just a few days earlier. It was just after NY. We talked and agreed that he would stay in the marital home, till my son finished his O Levels . The rest is history, as they say.

heavenlyheath....I am so wishing for that karma to show up.....

Beejo

Having been where you are, I can tell you that, just as after a bereavement, the first year will be full of firsts, but you'll never have to do them again.
You have every right to feel awful after such a dreadful betrayal - I know how that rocks the world and you feel like you will never be happy again.
Allow yourself this time of grieving - it's normal, natural and okay - but always bear in mind that "this too shall pass". It will end, the day will come when you wake up ready to pick up your life.
It's not easy to rebuild and it won't happen all at once, but it's not impossible.
If you have grandchildren you may have read We're Going on a Bear Hunt where they say "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, we can't go around it, we've got to go through it" and so it is with grief - but you're doing it now and one day you will emerge on the other side to find the sun shining again.

Funnily enough I bought myself a little necklace with the words 'this too will pass' engraved on it. I try to hold onto that thought but you're right it can be hard to believe.

Also...so much wisdom in that children's story quote!
x

Goodness.
I am so blown away by your responses, advice and shared stories. So many similar stories - sadly.

I’m so sorry that you have all had to go through this and other similar experiences, and I am so grateful for your support and kind words.

In case it helps anyone else, I wanted to share this. It was sent to me by a truly wonderful friend today, out of the blue - I think she must be telepathic!

a blessing for a fellow wanderer

may you find love enough to fill any holes
may you find healing enough to cover any wounds
may you find hope enough to keep your dreams alive
may everything that was taken from you return to you as joy
may all your failures grow into courage
may you find yourself brave enough to keep trying
may you find a soft place to rest where you can take off everything that is not yours to carry
may your bones carry peace
may your heart be a rich valley
may your name be a home to anyone who finds themselves lost
may your mouth own all the words that taste like wonder
and no matter who you were, or who you are, or who you
choose to become
may you always be found by the light.

Take it really slowly. It's one hell of an adjustment you are making. You CAN build a new life, one that is so much better than what you had before.

I have a little bit of paper in my bedroom. It says One day at a time, one step at a time, and for today breathing is enough !

So many people feeling alone either at or just after xmas. I'd abolish the entire event if I ruled the world. No matter how well one is coping it just take xmas to unravel it all (fortunately only temporarily)

During periods of time after I strongly suggested to my then husband that he leave, I went through a couple of semi melt downs when the pressure of winter chores with five horses to tend to before going to work plus the usual house maintenance was getting to me. [Winter in the part of Canada I live in can mean lots of snow and very very cold temperatures.... never mind the wind.}
I would finally say to myself, "Do you want him back? .... since he did want to come back....
I'd say, "HELL NO!!!!" ... and just get on with it.

Oh and also I don’t think that people that haven’t experienced it can understand the devastation that comes with divorce. I wasn’t able to talk about it with friends as I was trying to protect my children, the youngest of which had just left for uni, but I did have a cousin who lived along way away that I was able to confide in: she was still married but had never got over finding out that her husband had been having an affair so she understood about the betrayal.

When I was in that situation 20+ years ago I actually took anti depressant for the first and only time in my life. I was ok when I was working but the minute I finished work the Eleanor Rigby face left and I couldn’t stop crying. I worked for my doctor at the time ( he actually carried me through it all and I’ll be forever grateful for his support).and he prescribed mirtazapine. I only took it for a short while but it really helped. It did make me quite drowsy at first but, as he said, you need to sleep. I found the emptiness in my house unbearable, too, even though I’m someone that, in general, likes being alone a lot of the time. As a friend also said, the medication will bring you back up to a level at which you can cope with what’s happening.

Big hand hold from me, I ve been there too, so many of us been there
I was lucky he completely disappeared out of the country …but…. that has its bleak side too, you have to build up the children to not missing a Dad, although my ex didn’t bother much with the children, so they didn’t have much to miss however it still feels a huge failure on my part I thought I had done so well to keep it all from the them but years and years on, they told me they knew all that was going on and would listen and hear.
But …..it will get easier, hold your head up high, come on here for a handhold whenever you want.
We are a community in our own right. We are survivors

I know the feeling….but you can cry,let it out,then try to get on with something….go for a walk.I found not being able to eat the worse thing.I went to M&S and felt nauseous looking at all the meals.I bought a couple of ready meals, I ate jam butties just to get some food into me.Take folic acid if you’re not eating.
Start a journal,and keep doing a bit every day.Write about your thoughts,a list of friends and neighbours and things to e grateful for.I am sending you a big hug .x

If I’m in a really awful situation, I just say to myself “ Don’t think, just be”. I concentrate on right now, even if it’s just making a cup of tea or whatever. Don’t think past, don’t think future, just don’t think other than what you are doing right at that very moment. Focus. “Do the work that is to hand”, as my mother used to say.

I have been in the same boat as you this has been the 2nd year since my separation. I spent it with a neighbour who is also on her own. I was widowed at 34 and was left my house totally mortgage free my ex took half of this, I owned 30% of our business he declared he was retiring but just changed the company name and still works. One of my daughters still lets him see her eldest boy even though he is not related by blood and never asks to see the other two. I still get soooooo angry he has turned into a monster. I am sure there are many women in the same boat but we just have to get on and hope something dreadful happens to these men🤭

There is lots of good advice here and much compassion for your situation - which I share. This is a challenging time. I suggest you go one step at a time. Start simply by getting up, wash, dress, stand up straight. Remind yourself that you have faced the situation before Christmas and that you still have the courage and worth to take one step at a time now. Then decide on your next step - maybe just a cup of tea, and listen to some music you like......you will choose each step. I wish you well.

Oh gosh, so similar to what happened to me, after 36 years marriage. He went off with another woman also in the village, and he took had been nasty and abusive. It really is the pits. I found a lot of support in online support groups, I found a great one called chump lady, for those whose spouse has gone off with someone else ( and I bet you anything your stbx has been cheating if he managed to find some else apparently so quickly. I did a lot of writing things down, so if I ever felt nostalgic I could look and see what life has been like. I joined a group for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Then there is the so many first, going back to places where we'd been together. After nearly 40 years together it would have limited my life so much if I'd avoided them all, so I tried slowly to replace with new memories, going with friends or on my own, once you've got past the first anniversary it is a bit easier. I did have some counselling, getting divorced pro weddings started just brought another set of problems, but you need to do it, you file so you can drive proceedings, if he does he will possibly stall to upset you.
Do fo and ask the doc.for help, my doc was great and the antidepressants I had did help, he upped the dose until they made an impact. I weaned myself off them when I felt better, no issues there. Talk to non friends, if you're worried about them, I did eventually find a group for women who'd suffered abuse, and the stuff you mention is coercive control, it really really helped and helped with the looking back too.
It will take time, even after nearly 12 years I still sometimes have triggers, but very slowly things will improve. I tried so many things to take my mind off things, things like I went to an archery session, something is always wanted to do, kept.on with beginner horse riding lessons, these were great because I couldn't think of anything else when I was concentrating on doing all the right things. I drove a tractor, and had a ride on my brother in law's motor trike, I started learning to roller skate at the local roller derby team, didn't get far as started worrying about falling, but I did it. I did some long walks, and went to places that I'd not been, and I knit, not a new thing but doing something easy can help keep your mind off things.
That's what I did. I tried to avoid places if I knew he might be there, and people who might 'side' with him. But if there are people who you think he might be buttering up, no harm in telling them what happened. If he stalks you or there is post separation abuse, go to the police, coercive control and stalking us a crime, keep a record of things.
And just think that what you are feeling is a normal response to what happened.
And when you are feeling up.to.it, make a start on sorting out his rubbish and chucking it, and returning anything of his to him. Get some nice new bedding that he's never seen, replace anything that was his choice with things of your choice. All the above obviously when you are feeling up to doing them

Same happened to me after 43 years. It takes time. First time for everything is worst, after that it's easier. I'm now 9 years past that awful time and very happy. Keep your chin up. Life gets better.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so sad, miserable, hurt, betrayed, abandoned and more. It’s wretched and I suspect harder at this time of life than when I realised how destructive my then marriage was when I was aged 28.
You’re grieving but without many of the rituals that can help us through. Anger is important yet exhausting.
As with bereavement and other losses, be gentle with yourself. We all find ways to help ourselves. Getting out for a walk is free, can happen anytime anywhere and can be done as a solitary activity. It helps me but isn’t for everyone. Try and find something that lifts or distracts you. Remember everything changes, it won’t always be so hard

If, as you say, you feel that you've burdened friends enough, may I suggest journalling? Any old notepad you have lying around will do. Just pour all your thoughts and feelings into it whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. I did it when I was in a similar position and it helped enormously. Plus, re-reading the journal after the worst was over, I could actually see the progress that I'd made. All the best to you!

Having been where you are, I can tell you that, just as after a bereavement, the first year will be full of firsts, but you'll never have to do them again.
You have every right to feel awful after such a dreadful betrayal - I know how that rocks the world and you feel like you will never be happy again.
Allow yourself this time of grieving - it's normal, natural and okay - but always bear in mind that "this too shall pass". It will end, the day will come when you wake up ready to pick up your life.
It's not easy to rebuild and it won't happen all at once, but it's not impossible.
If you have grandchildren you may have read We're Going on a Bear Hunt where they say "We can't go over it, we can't go under it, we can't go around it, we've got to go through it" and so it is with grief - but you're doing it now and one day you will emerge on the other side to find the sun shining again.

I just wanted to reach out and send you a virtual hug 'Ontheedge'. What a tough year you've had! You've probably already done this, but if not, can I suggest that if funds allow you do a 'make over'. New hairstyle, a fresh wardrobe, take up exercise if you didn't bother when you were with him, etc. I don't suggest this in any way as an attempt to get him back, but to actually make YOU feel good about yourself, as sadly when we're with someone for a long time, it seems inevitable that we relax into ourselves, and some of us allow the pounds to creep on, stop treating ourselves to a manicure, or new haircut, etc. So now that you have the extra time that you probably spent waiting on him, hand, foot and finger, why not use it to really treat yourself? Just my thoughts, but above all else, let yourself grieve for the marriage you lost, and then when you've cried until you can cry no more, give your face a wash, and try and go out for a good long walk, as the exercise will bring on the feel good factor, and will help you get through. Sending hugs your way.

How sad I feel for you ontheedge, you have done nothing wrong and he is behaving so badly. All I can say is that it will all fade, people who know you both will know exactly what he has done and will always remember that.
I wondered how your grown up children feel about his behavious?

I just wanted to say how sorry I am youre feeling this. Christmas can be truly awful and it has tipped me this year into the feelings you describe for different reasons. I think it will truly get better once this interminable week is over!! Then you can start taking baby steps

GrannySomerset

Grief can ambush you at any time, and the enforced jollity of this time of year makes it worse. Whinge all you like here because many of us know sorrow, though not perhaps of the kind you feel. When you reach the stage of being angry you are on the mend, I think.

Oh gosh - I am so angry...! I have all the feels - just don't know what to deal with first!