Daughter won't let me near her baby

The way your original post reads it seems you and your daughter has problems before she had the baby - at the very least since the pregnancy, and you do seem a little dismissive of “the boy” who surely is a man no? And on top of that your daughters soon to be husband. But it seems to predate the birth so it doesn’t seem that is post partum issue. And I guess my first thought would be if you were already having difficulties before the baby was here why did you expect to be let around baby etc afterward ? It seems you have at least met this new baby once as your daughter thinks you held the baby too long, which among new mothers is really quite common. Every minute away from their baby seems lengthy - did you perhaps hold longer than she seemed comfortable? You claim all the reasons given to your bath and are not logical but that means she’s at least giving reasons whether you find them logical or otherwise- while I’m sure it’s upsetting to not be wanted around the baby od keep your perspective on your relationship with your daughter , which is clearly in poor repair right now and really trying to think back to what may have happened at the start of the troubles and take her “illogical reasons “ at face value. What is illogical to you may not be to her and at the end of the day , she’s the one you’re trying to rectify a relationship with. At the end of the day the baby can tbe the point. You’re not going to be around the baby if you and your daughter don’t get on. So focus your energy there.

Well, if you are still here...I'm no expert, but it almost sounds like she's trying to prove, in a way, that she's a woman, fully able to have a husband and take care of a kid by saying to you and the world I don't need my mommy anymore. I mean, she is pretty young to already becoming a wife and mom. I was young too, had my son right before I turned 21, so I remember the feeling of being insecure about being able to do it. Like I wasn't quite a woman yet. But everyone's reactions to life changing events are different; for me, I didn't want to prove I could do it, I appreciated my mom's vast knowledge (no internet in those days to look anything up) about taking care of a baby. She came around a lot and I appreciated the help, even though my husband helped too, he had work. So maybe your daughter is extremely insecure about becoming a mom? And she feels somehow you might try and take over things? It's a guess, it could be something else that is bothering her, but what is the question.....

Jacqueline, please don't leave GN . There is lots of support here. I am no expert but it sounds as though your DD has post natal depression or another form if mental illness, that would certainly explain her behaviour. Come back and take advantage of support here. Good luck.

Maybe she's just gone to bed.

I think the OP has left

Primrose53

Maybe they are renting the new house and just boasting that they have bought it.

Perhaps he inherited some money?
Or they won the lotto?

What an awful situation for you Jacqueline. Sounds like mental problems as I can speak from experience here of severe mental problem with a relative. it was Hell

I'm sorry you are distraught.

Perhaps consider that your daughter may have post pregnancy hormonal issues or mental health problems?

Many new parents allow their parents (the grandparents) very limited visits and baby holding opportunities during the first few month bonding period.

I'd think it best to wait on your daughter, silently.

Perhaps have meals delivered round to her as a gift?

Jacqueline, please don't leave the forum. You are ill and distraught and this should be a safe space for you. Even if you don't get advice, I would hope you would get support and sympathy. Your daughter's behaviour is not uncommon these days, especially amongst first time mothers. I believe social media has fuelled a trend for young people to blame their parents for all the ills of their own lives, and it's usually the mother that gets the most flak. Going no contact, or low contact, is fashionable. Some very questionable therapists are also quick to advise this. You are very far from alone.

Maybe they are renting the new house and just boasting that they have bought it.

It sounds to me as if your daughter may have some mental health issues. I am in no position to deide what it might be.

In your position I think that my way forward, would be to 'lie low' for a while. Act normally, make no attempts to see your grand daughter or daughter, or make it obvious that you are desperate to do so.

Your daughter and her partner are both full adults and form a household of their own, so are a seperate organism to you. Speak to people around them quietly to see if they can find out what is happening, but if nothing comes of it, you will have no alternative but learn to aaccept that for the forseeable future you will not be in your grandaughters life.

I know that sounds had and cruel, but it is a statement of the facts.

I am sorry some replies have been hard on you, but we do get a lot of spoof posts with stories like yours, especially with some of the facts not entirely clear, so we have to protect ourselves, and this will have lead to the harder posts.

The other problem is that while I think most of us would like to be able to calm your tears and assuage your sorrow by telling you that it will all come right in the end, but, we have no way of knowing that.

Your problem, or problems very like it occur only too frequently, and while we can offer sympathy, there is little else we can offer.

Jacqueline2 - don’t leave the Forum because of a few negative comments. There will always be differing views. The veracity of first -time posters is doubted by sone. I am rather gullible but I don’t doubt your story. Good luck anyway !

Thanks you Keeping Quiet. I appreciate that. I suspect, as the behviour began in pregnancy that it is hormonal.

Thank you MadMeg. This is the worse thing I have ever experienced. My daughter knows I have cancer but it makes no difference to her. She is being so cruel and has had plenty opportunity to explain what her problem with me is.

Thanks for everyone who commented positively. This is my first post here and it has not been a positive experience so I am going to delete my account.

Please, please, please be kind to others and don't assume that people are lying. Sometimes life experiences are so bizarre they don't seem real. Sometimes, rather than write a long post, people summarise. If there is any chance that the person is telling the truth please do not verbally attack them. Think about that person's mental health. I am feeling the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I love my daughter so much. Seeking help from Gransnet when my life has been turned upside down was a bad idea.

To the person who can't see why I am distraught I would ask you to consider how you would feel if your only daughter said she didn't want you in your first grandchild's life. I wish I had done something wrong as then I could apologise, but none of what she is saying is making sense.

You haven't done anything 'wrong.' I apologise if Ididn't seem very sympathetc but some of your statements seemed ambiguous. You do get some odd posts on here.

I was genuinely trying to sort through the situation and seem to have failed.

I once ran a group for women affected by post-partum psychosis. This could explain some aspects of your daughter's changed behaviour but maybe not all.

Can you communicate with the babty's father- just to reassure yourself that he isn't worried too?

What about other family members who could get in touch? Is she in touch with her dad?

If it is only you that seems to be on the receiving end of this treatmen then I think you should give it a bit more time. Yes, I have had to 'fix' similar relationships in my family but best to leave her alone for a while and she may let you 'back in' when you are ready.

Meanwhile try not to take it personally (unless it really is) and give her some space. It is still very early days.

It is difficult to give advice when so little is known and so people try, but often fail, to help.

I wish you and your family well.

Dear Jacqueline2 please don't assume that all posters are the same. I cannot see anything in your post that implies you have done anything wrong or dislike the young father. You are simply a mum wanting to support her daughter and her new little family and can't understand the daughter's behaviour. I would feel the same and I am sure there are plenty on here who would agree.

However, without knowing any more, I would say give it all time and see what happens in a month or so. Good luck.

Thank you Canadian Gran and CrazyH. I really appreciate your responses. My husband has asked and she has given no sensible answer. Honestly it is bizarre. She says that I sat to close to her brother and really, really strange things. She also says that I make her anxious but won't elaborate. She just doesn't make sense. I am seeing a counsellor who is trying to help me figure out why and my husband has asked but got nowhere. The whole experience has been very bizarre and friends know I am telling the truth, but I no longer feel this is a safe space to divulge too much details. I am sitting here shaking and very upset. I came on here because I am desperate. I am going through hell.

I think the OP is quite genuine. Mothers and daughters eh? I remember my daughter telling me not to ‘hog’ the baby 😂 her in-in laws were also at her bedside and she wanted them to have a chance. I can fully understand that.
I am sorry to hear you have cancer. I hope your treatment will be successful. Concentrate on yourself. Your daughter will come round eventually. She is young and having an almighty tantrum.

Jacqueline2, I'm sorry you are in this position. You say she lived with you up until quite recently. How was your relationship before she moved out?

It sounds quite like you don't really approve of 'the boy', who is now your DD's partner. She may also be going through a bit of post partum depression, or avoiding you if she senses any negativity. Has she not said anything? If she is still close with her dad (assuming your husband), then maybe he can inquire why she has cut you out? But be prepared for the answer, if you have not gotten on in the past, and tread carefully, being aware of her feelings and viewpoint.

Could someone please tell me what I have said wrong? I have come here for help and having recently joined Gransnet and I am a bit stunned at the response.

My daughter was living at home until late summer when she bought a house with her partner, having saved for a couple of years. I got to hold the baby once when they visited her dad at our house. By the other side I mean has anyone managed to fix a relationship with their daughter. The reason I am distraught is that my daughter has said she doesn't want anything to do with me and I find this very upsetting. I assumed other grans would do too. Sago, could you please explain your comment. I have come here thinking other grans might be able to relate to this and to offer advice but I am now reconsidering.

I've asked GNHQ to check it out Sago.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

The'boy' was 18 four years ago- so is now 22, the same age as your daughter?

Your daughter is at Uni so presumab;y studying full-time and at best has a part-time job? She still living at home.

Now they have bought a house? The boyfriend/fiance must be earning plenty, or have inherited a large sum?

They are now engaged and have had a baby together?

You say you are not allowed to visit but have held the baby, which doesn't make sense, and the baby is still only a few weeks old?

You also say you stopped phoning or texting a 'few' months ago?

No I haven't been though anything similar and I am not sure what the 'side' is you refer to.

I am struggling to find out why you are so distraught. Is it because your daughter is still a young mum, studying full-time and settling into a new home. She may be just too exhausted to answer your calls, I don't know.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.