Birthday present

Happy birthday!
But time for some tough talking! your sons, DIL and Mum are all taking you for granted.
Create a spreadsheet of ALL the household expenses and list all the things that you do for the household in general. Why are you arranging the childcare? Surely that's the parents job?
As for the washing issue with mum - is she fit enough to take on loading the machine on a daily basis? If so, make that her role in the household but do ensure that everyone else puts their dirty laundry in the laundry basket and NOT all over bedroom floors or dumped behind the bathroom door.

Gosh, sorry, but I think I'd be quite taken aback and absolutely questioning a little bit about their thought patterns (and belive me this is coming from someone who happily took herself off for lunch on her own on her birthday, quite happy for the solitude and was thrilled with a cake the kids baked me... so what I mean is I'm not someone who asks or wishes for fuss)
Anyhow, I think this runs far deeper and it very much looks from outside, like a terrible miscommunication of everyone's responsibilities and this has tumbled into you being made to take it all on.
These are adults who need to learn to take on a few more responsibilities and not expect you to lead. Its probably completely beyond them out of habit! So sorry for this but quietly make a stand,expect a bit of backlash,some emotional blackmail and some sulks but stay strong.
It may then come down to a family chat! Good luck x
It may have to start with you taking time for yourself, developing life outside of the home and not being available. Dear of you,you sound like a very kind, loving wife and mother.

I will take all your comments on board. It is a busy household and in a way it keeps me active, but sometimes it's overwhelming. I will work through things to sort the situation out. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

Dear Chris4159, I’m so sorry that you had such a disappointing birthday. What a selfish bunch your family are. I agree with others that you do need to make some changes, will they still be expecting you to fund and wait on them when you are 70 +? You do need to make changes now but this will be easier said than done as it’s gone on so long. I know you won’t want to alienate them completely as I’m sure you love them. Why not use the fact that you’ve just had a birthday that has got you thinking about the fact that you are aging and that you won’t be able to carry on like this much longer. Tell them that you need to save money now for possible future care so you will need them to contribute to the household and that, as you are getting older, you are finding it difficult to do so much. Ask them how they can help now both financially and with domestic issues, perhaps draw up a rota. It will be difficult for you but you must be brave and bite the bullet. Good luck

I still have my grown up children ( 21 and 26) living with me and Im absolutely dreading them moving out. If you love having them all there maybe that is all that matters for now? Clearly they want to be with you and not the MIL and maybe they feel guilty about that which is why they bought her an expensive gift? I just think if you love having them there then dont be too quick to undo a situation you love. There might be other ways of looking at it - I dont think it necessarily means they take you for granted

Act lke a doormat and people, in this case your immediate family, will wip their feet on you.

You would expect gratitude, but that is not what you get, instead you get the kind of treatment you are getting.

Do as other posters recommend and start expecting them to pull their weight in house work and money.

Alternatively, you could downsize. Inform all of them that your house is for sale and you intend to move into a one or two bedroomed property, so there will be no room for lodgers.

I would get them to buy their own food and let them cook for themselves and charge them rent .
I know how you feel , I never recieved a present or a card from my son last birthday but his partners mother
gets lavish gifts . So hurtful .

That business of the solar lamp compared to drier would get my back up completely. It always seems the ones who do least get treated better . Id make some changes . Just do what you enjoy . Start charging more encourage them to move out . This has gone on long enough.

Up the rent, charge for food, give them a day each to do their washing and allocate chores.

A belated birthday to you now is the time to change things. Get your family together and tell them what you are not prepared to do anymore. If they want shopping tell them to do their own from their own pockets. It means cooking and cleaning after themselves too you are not their servant.
As for childcare don’t let them assume anymore that it’s your job only do what suits you. It might go against your nature to be so forthright but it might just wake them up a bit. You are not anyone’s carer and not a charity stand your ground.

I’m sorry that you’ve had such a disappointing birthday, was it just caused by the row with your Mum or by the cheap present?
Your situation reminds me of the proverb,”familiarity breeds contempt”.
Why are they all living with you, if you don’t mind me asking?

Happy Birthday Chris4159 - You do far too much for your family. You are being used by everyone. And you are tired and fed up. You will find that the more you do, the more they will use you . When my son was staying with me for a few months, he paid me ‘board and lodge’ - the going rate. I was divorced and had no job. So I really had no choice. At one point my daughter and son-in-law also stayed with me. Having lived alone since my divorce, I found sharing my home, very difficult and it led to rows. So I know how you feel - I hope you have a better 67th birthday….