Can we ever recover from unhappy/abusive childhood?

Yes unfortunately my children and grandchildren have to some extent been affected.

I tried hard to be a much better mother and I'm sure I am but I made a lot of mistakes

Allowing her to be in our lives was one of my biggest mistakes but I can't turn the clock back now

I can relate to many of the experiences described here. So sorry for all your experiences. My parents divorced when I was 7 and there was a bitter custody battle that was not about our welfare, but who would be judged the ‘better’ parent by the Court.. My mother was narcissistic and craved the adoration of others. I went no contact in the1990s after she went to live abroad.
I did not shed a tear when she died.

Such sad stories and brave posters who are still surviving the trauma of childhood abuse, what I always wonder is ,is the fathers role in these times, why it seems alot of them never intervened to help their child from the mothers abuse.

Yes, I think it's possible to recover from an unhappy or abusive childhood; it's not easy, may take a long time but, I think if you're determined to live a different, better life, it's possible. I wasn't physically abused but my mother made it perfectly clear at every opportunity that she disliked me at all; her regular put down; always said in an icy tone was "you're just like your bloody father". When I got married she told my husband that he had no idea what he was letting himself in for and she wished him good luck; he'd need it. Nevertheless I continued to try to buy her affection; gifts, treats or days out to places I thought she'd enjoy but there was always something I hadn't got right and I'd try harder and harder to please her.
One Christmas Eve, when my youngest child was 8 years old and had just been discharged from hospital following another severe asthma attack, we explained that we couldn't attend my mother's usual family gathering (cold night air and a family of smokers not being the best for an asthmatic). No offers of sympathy or enquiries as to her grandchild's health were made but I was told that my selfishness had ruined Christmas for everyone. A few days after Christmas, a letter arrived, addressed to both of my children. It was from her. She had written to tell them that she was very sorry that their mummy had spoilt their Christmas by not letting them receive the very special presents that had been left for them at her house but, if they ever decided that they wanted them, they could call her and she'd come and get them. My children were 8 and 10 at that time and were so angry that they said they didn't want to see their granny anymore. But I papered over the cracks, continued to try and be the daughter she wanted for another 10 years. It was only when my father was dying, and something that she said to me about him, that I finally saw her as the cold, cruel, heartless bitch that she was. I quietly stood up, put my coat on, walked out and never looked back. I ignored all her letters, calls, bouquets of flowers and via family members demands to go back. I left it up to my children to make their own decisions as to whether they continued to have any relationship with her and they chose not to. That was 25 years ago and I've no idea whether she's alive or dead; I don't care either way.

So have I recovered? Yes, I think so. She only enters my consciousness when I see articles like this one and I feel relieved that I ended the cycle; my relationship with my husband, my children and my grandchildren is nothing like hers and that's something I'm proud of.

I have more friends than not whose own mothers have been a disappointment and some who are extremely difficult, demanding and even cruel. My own mum wasnt the mother I needed..she herself says she was never maternal. I think that complex relationships lead yk more complicated grief when they die. So sorry Ziggy62 and all of you others. This stuff goes down so deeply and steers the course of our lives. I have come to see my mum as a flawed person over being a great mum. Its made it easier to forgive her and accept her limitations. But it has made me very sceptical about the stereotype of mother/ daughter closeness. In my experience it's not that common. We need to have our friends.. mother ourselves and look for ways to nurture others, people and even things like gardens x

Well done HenWraig it might have taken you a long time before you stood up to her but your life is in a better place.

Young children know who is a good person and yours saw she wasn't.
My children didn't have a relationship with my dad and after he died mum tried but it was too little to late.

Yes, my OH is a magnificent example of this.

My heart goes out to you all

I had a totally different form of neglectful childhood. From the ago of around 7 I was left alone in the house at night for hours and hours whilst my parents were out “partying” When they were home they were living and giving and everyone thought what a lovely family we were.

I was an only child and can remember pretending to be asleep when they checked in on me, knowing they’d creep out of the door. I was always scared of the dark, but various night lights were always left on.

From about 13 they started leaving me to go away overnight and by 15 they would go abroad and leave me to fend for myself.

I always managed, no real disasters, but I’d never ever dream of doing this with my own children.

My parents adored my children and were very kind and generous both financially and with their time. They never once left my children alone when they were little.

All very odd, but I just think my parents loved each other so much they forgot sometimes that they had a child.

Goodness me Cossy.

This is relevant to myself and to many people I worked with over the years so you’re not alone. I actually don’t believe that you can ‘recover’ but I do think that you can reach a point of it sitting more easily with you. If it is making life difficult I think counselling can help but imo there may also need to be a bodily release. We hold so much in our physical bodies. I once heard childhood abuse described as like a scar. It will always be there. You can’t just get rid of it. You can only live with it and reach a point of acceptance.

I am 69 now my parents are still alive Father 92 Mother 87, I very rarely see them although I do visit my sister who lives about a mile from them. I love about 50 miles from my parents, if I go to see them I am never offered a cup of tea or a biscuit, it almost as if they want me to go as soon as I get there unless of course they need me to do something for them, I used to travel once a week and take my mother shopping, but that stopped when I started feeling that was all I was useful for. It is not only me that feels it, I have 2 younger brothers and sisters they were the same with them, although we were given a good up bringing, none of us felt as though we were loved, I still don't know why on earth my mother and father ever wanted kids. They met my grandchildren when they were babies, but they showed they were not interested in them. so I never took them again, they never ask about my children or my grand children. I will not be crying at their funeral

So horrendous - cannot write it on an open forum. Left home at 17 to live abroad - never looked back. Watched my mother's coffin go through the curtain and did not feel a thing...... except relief.
To those who have suffered similarly, my heart goes out to you. Know exactly what you are feeling. Almost 80 now - it doesn't go away.

I believe the answer to your question is probably no - we don't recover, we just (if we're lucky) learn how to deal with our past. We don't have to keep living through bad stuff once it has gone into the past -- this philosophy isn't faultless but it has worked fairly well for me. I know that the pain I feel when reliving old mum-memories is not permanent and all-powerful; I may feel terrible today but I have the consolation that it won't last forever. Eventually - later today, tomorrow, in 3 months' time - I'll find myself laughing at something and will realise that I got through that bad patch again. Your mother can't control you every moment of your life, especially once she's dead (as mine now is). I firmly believe that the ad-man's dream family (happy, smiling kids in the charge of two parents who adore them) is, to an extent, an idealistic fiction which we find seductive enough to take as true (like toothpaste that turns your teeth snowy white). OK, I had a mother who was seriously flawed. She had an ego the size of a planet and a sense of entitlement/resentment to match. As an only child, I was the closest to her (and the smallest & least powerful) and so I bore the brunt (people who are nasty to kids are usually too gutless to take it out on other adults). I don't agree with people who say "let it go"; it's your personal history, you can't let it go. But you can try to accept that it's always with you - and, most importantly, you don't have to let it dictate the kind of person you turn into. Everyone who's replied sounds like a nice lady - and maybe that's something to thank our terrible mothers for? At least we know how NOT to behave, don't we?

My father died when I was eleven.
I was an only child.
From then on I was my mother’s crutch.
I was fed clothed etc but not loved or if I was it was not shown.
I was constantly reminded of all she did and sacrificed for me.
I was expected to be grateful.
She was never at all cruel only with sharp words.
I married as soon as I could, at 21 and three weeks old.
She stated that she expected to move in with my H and I, she was quickly told that wasn’t an option.
Within just a few weeks she remarried, but it wasn’t particularly happy , it was done solely not to be on her own.

I never cut her off but as soon as an opportunity arose we moved 60 miles away so visits were more difficult.
She said she loved my C but sadly they were treated as I was with cutting words and favouritism showed to one, but only to upset the other.
Her actions were very cruel really.

She lived to 101 and I didn’t mourn her when she died and haven’t done so since.
I find that immeasurably sad.
Have I got over it?
Most certainly, I will not let her spoil my life now, that would let her win.

When I was growing up, I always thought, that most mothers were loving.
After reading this thread, I see I was wrong. I was not alone.

These scars only we know are there. Like a scab on the surface of the skin.
Best not to pick at it I’ve found.

I had a narcissistic mother and an agressive bully of a father, my older brother was like our father.
Growing up my life was hell, I was the scapegoat and my brother the golden child.

I have been happily married for 40+ years, we have three happy and successful children and 2 grandchildren.

So the answer is yes you can overcome an unhappy childhood.

My parents and brother are all dead, I thank God for every day I have on earth without them.

Marydoll

When I was growing up, I always thought, that most mothers were loving.
After reading this thread, I see I was wrong. I was not alone.

No, you were far from alone. Sadly, we don't see what goes on behind closed doors. My mother was seen as such a wonderful woman by friends and neighbours, always ready to help anyone etc. No-one knew what she was like behind closed doors, and it only got worse after my dad died, because she had no-one else to take it out on.

Marydoll

What I didn't mention was that my mother adored my three children and they her. She also loved my husband like a son.
I could never figure why it was me, she couldn't love.

Interesting, my mother adored her cleaner and carer. Kissing them, saying she loved them. Them telling her she was an inspiration and they wanted to be like her in later life.

Those of us who have overcome childhood trauma to become loving parents deserve a bloody big medal.

I had a very happy childhood and adored my mum and dad so I can’t really relate to your experience, I’m sure it must affect you and your outlook for many years. I. Sad to hear this I too have a friend similar to your situation who is in her 50s and still very much affected by it although her parents died several years ago she doesn’t trust anyone.it’s not too late she’s only just decided on having councilling

I didn't expect so many replies

Sad really so many of us have suffered but uplifting that we have survived

It's not easy to make a decision to walk away from a woman in her 80s but I had to protect my mental health eventually

Today I'm missing my best friend but Tomorrow is a new day. I try to be thankful for all the good things I have in life and there are alot

Thinking of everyone this evening and sending big hugs
Although I'm not good at hugging and kissing

I am so very sorry. I had a loveless childhood too, it has affected my whole life, I have always looked for 'approval'.

I did estrange myself from my father when my mother died in 2001, but he started writing to me in 2016 when my husband died, and out of pity, I have written back. He is now 91 and is very confused - in a recent letter he talked about a ring he'd given a girl he was having an affair with whilst married to my mother. My mother continued to love him throughout his adultery, and ignored my brother and I, we had to bring ourselves up.

I 100% relate to this. Daughter of a covert narcissist. So much happened behind closed doors and "appearances" were maintained at all costs.

All the mind games, being scapegoated, triangulation with siblings and the endless stream of "other men" to get her "supply" all but destroyed me.

Therapy helped a bit but it is very hard to shake off the feeling of being unimportant and inferior.

My DHs father abused him mercilessly as a child, and if his father hadn't died when he was still a child he would have had to cut contact as a young adult. His mother never tried to stop the abuse and for that my DH could never forgive her but he never cut off from her and looked after her as she got older right up until she died. I don't think he has fully recovered, I don't think that is possible, but he always tried to live his life as the polar opposite of his father, saying that was the best lesson the man ever gave him.
Living your life the very best you can is all you can do Ziggy, the life you deserve, if you don't your mother still has control, going no contact is one thing but letting go is another. It's time to do this. Life really is too short.
All the best xx

I was an only child and I was terrified at home, beaten black and blue by either parent. I was not allowed to have an opinion and I spoke when spoken to.

I never had a cuddle, hug or kiss in my life. I was hit across the face and head for saying and doing little and was terrified of the leather strap, one holding me over the arm of a chair and the other wielding it on my rear.

When I got married I decided not to have children in case I turned out the same way.

It was horrendous so I am more than happy being on my own now.