Can we ever recover from unhappy/abusive childhood?

FriedGreenTomatoes2

I can’t bear my soul on a public forum. Too horrific.
My parents were loving and lovely.
They never knew.

As to do we get over such stuff?
I did.
Buried it for years. It resurfaced when one of my girls reached a certain age in infant school. Triggering I think it’s called. Happened again when my granddaughter was that little age.

No-one knows.
It’s locked inside of me and I’ve learnt to deal with it.
And felt abject sorrow for that little girl who was me.

I think it’s made me resilient (mostly) over the years. Although at my age there are certain doors in my mind I won’t venture through in the wee small hours. Too upsetting, even now.

Same here.
One thing I will say, is: it wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I read about battered woman’s syndrome. It made so much sense.
I found out that my mother’s upbringing wasn’t a barrel of laughs, either.
Her father was sent to prison for assault on her 2 brothers.
Also I was told about my father’s time in the war.
He was 19 years old, a signalman on the Russian Convoys. Life expectancy 4 days.
I realised they were both damaged people. I bear them no ill will.

Ziggy you have opened a floodgate!

Oh Charleygirl such cruelty.

I had an idyllic childhood , but I don’t think my children, especially my oldest child/daughter had . When she was 3 + , and my middle son was 17 months old , my husband had an affair, with threats of a paternity claim. I stuck by him (no choice) . The household was not peaceful.. I was moody and bad tempered. My daughter was in the middle of the chaos. The affair fizzled out. We made sone sort of a ‘go’ but the spectre of his infidelity was always there. 20 years later, another woman, a serious affair, and left me for her. I wonder if my daughter has been damaged. She is also divorced, has undiagnosed OCD, but has 2 lovely children, a good job, and good friends. She sees her Dad regularly. Her brothers don’t seem to have been affected, although they don’t see their Dad as often as she does. Sad but true …..

I have no experience of this at all, but the thread just caught my eye and I wanted to come on & say how amazing I think all you ladies are. Your childhood will always be with you I’m sure, but in spite of that you are here, you’ve married, you’ve had families, you are trying your best at life which is all any of us can do, and for that I would say not only have you survived, but that you are rather magnificent 💐💐💐.

crazyH

I had an idyllic childhood , but I don’t think my children, especially my oldest child/daughter had . When she was 3 + , and my middle son was 17 months old , my husband had an affair, with threats of a paternity claim. I stuck by him (no choice) . The household was not peaceful.. I was moody and bad tempered. My daughter was in the middle of the chaos. The affair fizzled out. We made sone sort of a ‘go’ but the spectre of his infidelity was always there. 20 years later, another woman, a serious affair, and left me for her. I wonder if my daughter has been damaged. She is also divorced, has undiagnosed OCD, but has 2 lovely children, a good job, and good friends. She sees her Dad regularly. Her brothers don’t seem to have been affected, although they don’t see their Dad as often as she does. Sad but true …..

We can only do our best in difficult circumstances xxx

stillawipp

I have no experience of this at all, but the thread just caught my eye and I wanted to come on & say how amazing I think all you ladies are. Your childhood will always be with you I’m sure, but in spite of that you are here, you’ve married, you’ve had families, you are trying your best at life which is all any of us can do, and for that I would say not only have you survived, but that you are rather magnificent 💐💐💐.

Yes I agree, I didn't expect such a response

I'm missing my dear friend today but good to know I'm not alone

Yes we are amazing 👏

My mum had a horrific upbringing, and I don't think she ever recovered.

Rather, she learned to live alongside the grief for the childhood she should have had.

This has been both a terrible and an inspiring thread. I am sad to read of the unhappy childhoods endured by so many, but amazed at the resilience shown by you all.
The most important result is that the cycle has been broken, and a different story written. I applaud the " survivors" .

I had a friend at art school whose father used to beat her if she didn't finish her meals. 60 years later she has always had problems with food and is now a strict vegan. I wouldn't say that he ruined her life, but she was certainly affected.

My father was an older father and really did not want any more children . His wife had died and he had two almost grown up sons when he married my much younger mother. She was a lovely mum but I do not have a single nice memory of my father. He hit me a lot and somehow instilled in me that I did not deserve praise or notice. If presented with flowers or any other token of appreciation I just hate it . He made me go out to the street to look at a cat which had been killed on the road to see if it was my cat. I was 9 years old .

My Mum was a single parent, dad left her with 3 small children. She worked all hours to make ends meet and consequently we were left on our own quite a lot. We brought ourselves up really; I did all my own washing and ironing by the time I was 11. I never ever remember being kissed or hugged, Mum was just so exhausted all the time. She used a wooden stick as punishment when we were naughty or argued. I vowed that if I had children, I would make sure that they would know they were very loved. Our 2 sons and grandchildren are showered with love and affection, we are very close, and I am blessed with 2 lovely daughter in laws, who I love to bits. I love nothing more than looking after them all (when they'll let me!). So, the pendulum can swing the other way; though I was brought up in a mostly affectionless home, my own little family are very loving and caring.

My Mum had a mental illness. Sometimes she was a good loving mum, sometimes not. One thing it does teach you is to be tolerant and look below the surface when people do or say strange things!

This thread has opened old wounds for me. My husband never really got it, because my mother treated him so well.
My mother was housebound, I had three children, a demanding job and was always studying. I had to prove to myself I was not stupid.

I was in every night, checking on her, doing her shopping, feeding her, stripping beds etc.. She would occasionally hand me a bottle of whisky for my husband, bought by her carers, because he worked so hard. I got no acknowledgement of what I did for her.

The biggest hurt of all was when my brother took himself off to a gite in France, despite knowing she was dying. It took three days to contact him. She held on until she heard his voice. Gave a little smile and let go. I wasn't surprised.
That broke me.

My father was also an older father, In my whole life he never told me loved me. He should never have had children.

However, I have come through it all and it has made the strong resilient woman and loving mother and grandmother I am.

I have so much more to say but I'm not sure it's wise on here.

Oh my goodness, so many of you with such appalling stories. My heart goes out to you all . I was so lucky! So many of you have turned things around and ensured that such cruelty is not repeated - 💐💐💐💐

I can so relate to this thread 😭 - for me though, it was both my parents but in different ways and far too horrendous to share publicly. There was no childline in those days and times were different. I was brought up with the mantra ‘you don’t bring shame on the family name’, ‘ who’s going to believe YOU’ and ‘I could have you put in a mental home, just like that’ (said with a click of the fingers - I can see/hear it now). Everyone thought my parents were good people. They were so very wrong.

Good morning ladies

This thread has now become The Survivors and I hope despite the pain and sadness we're all feeling very proud of ourselves

I wasn't expecting this sort of response when I first posted, I was worried it would become another EP thread (thankfully it hasn't).

I hope ladies (and gents) will feel free to post on here, where we can offload, support each other and move forward 😀

After many many years of counselling and NHS mental health support I personally never really found it helpful as the people sitting in the chair opposite never actually knew the woman who gave birth to me.

Have a good day ladies

Sending the warmest hugs to you all

We are Survivors

Yes, I am a survivor. My childhood memories seem to get worse the older I become due to the way most children are treated today with kindness. I say most children but unfortunately not all. I believe my parents should never have had children.

Marydoll I can very much relate to your story. Very much.

My memories/experiences have definitely got worse as I've got older. I coped with it all although I don't know how. Now, at 75, for the first time ever, I've had to resort to anti depressants.

I was hand picked from my siblings to go on a holiday with an auntie and uncle. It was the only holiday I ever went on it when I was a child. It was right by a beach in a very large modern caravan. I woke up on the first morning in my auntie and uncles bedroom wondering why I was not in the bed with my cousins. I spent most of the week confined to the caravan not seeing my cousins. Who were told every day by their parents I had an upset tummy I didn’t. I quickly knew what was happening was wrong I was an innocent child until then.

I returned home and started to telling my mum (dad was in work) what had happened. The response I got from mum was to keep quiet not tell dad if I did my dad would end up in prison. I didn’t understand her but I loved my dad and didn’t want him in trouble. I was ten and I did as I was told.

Some years later another cousin told me of her trip away with our auntie and uncle it was exactly like my experience and again swept under the carpet. It brought everything back I thought I had buried it in my mind. My mum sweeping it under the carpet because of shame and probably publicity I found that difficult to deal with.

My auntie and uncle were obviously child sex offenders who on the surface were very respectable people. I suspect they had plenty of opportunities to seek out vulnerable children to satisfy their sick needs. I still cannot believe they got away with it and probably didn’t give it a second thought.

Redhead56
Did you ever talk to your parents about it when you became an adult?
Do you think they knew?

My dad never knew it wasn’t spoken about until our cousin visited years later by then my dad had died. I had kept it secret until then and my mum still stood by her response all those years ago. It is something I have heard about in many families over the years. Now most people are more open about most things these days and there is more help and support compared to the dark ages of the 1960s.
The whole experience for me personally it made me a very protective parent. Nothing would get past me my children were and are still everything to me as are my little grandchildren.

Redhead have you talked to your other cousins?