Can we ever recover from unhappy/abusive childhood?

Sara1954

I think that it’s the sweetest revenge that I have a good marriage, nice home, lovely children and good friends.
She loves nothing more than things going wrong for people, and most of all me.
So that’s my incentive to live as well as I can.

I've just realised that the only times I ever saw my mother laugh was when something bad happened to other people.

I increasingly wonder about genetics :

Over Christmas , my close friend's sister told me that her mother was extremely cold towards them .
I wondered if it's the reason why my friend has to have lots of friends and loves to be with them evenings and weekends and goes on holiday with them

The situation is not helped by her ill tempered daughter and moody husband
.
Another friend can't visit her much loved father , because her mother has loathed her since the day that she was born .
Now her marriage has failed , but what distresses her is the hostility of two of her daughters . She is not allowed to touch one of her granddaughters .

I'm sure that my mother loved me in her way , but she didn't show it .
And things worsened when I became a teenager -
She was terrified that I'd get pregnant and bring shame on our family - she checked up on me ,spied on me and lectured me constantly.
When I married , she was insanely jealous of what she perceived to be a highly privileged lifestyle spent with a very handsome clever husband .

Talking to my grandmother one day : she revealed between the tears that my great grandmother neither wanted nor loved her .
I'm very grateful to my grandmother for showering me with love and attention .
Without it , how would I have turned out ?

When we were young mums in the 70 s my best friend never gave her children compliments on achievements big or small, or how they looked/ dressed etc, she was often quite harsh, things like ‘you may not be pretty …or bright …but …. She loved and loves them dearly. I didn’t like it but she said it was how her (much loved) mum brought her and her siblings up. There was a view in those times that compliments etc would make children big headed and rather too full of themselves. It definitely was the seen and not heard era with most families.

I have been taken aback that almost every post here are about mothers cruelty or unkindness and wonder whether it came from those times when children were not the centre of the universe or the family as they seem to be centre of everything, and everyone now.
How many times have I heard ‘but will the children enjoy it/ going there/doing that. Will they get bored? Heaven forfend they are bored. Children used to do as they were told and didn’t have much say in where and what they did. I don’t agree with either way, both are extreme.
There are cruel and uncaring mothers who have damaged their children deliberately or otherwise but who may have had to overcome terrible things in their own lives. No excuse but worth considering.
As for vile abusing fathers I seem to be in the minority.

I think that it’s the sweetest revenge that I have a good marriage, nice home, lovely children and good friends.
She loves nothing more than things going wrong for people, and most of all me.
So that’s my incentive to live as well as I can.

I think you have to be quite determined that you want to overcome those odds. My constant mantra is that my parents ruined my childhood, they won't ruin my adulthood. I work hard on counting my blessings rather than focussing on things I can't change. I watch how other people relate to one another in undamaged relationships and try to emulate them in mine. I won't say I have recovered but I know I can do better than they did.
I am completely estranged from my father because of his vile behaviour. My mother was damaged herself in childhood so I try to forgive her. She is old with dementia, it is easier.

Thank you MissI.

So many of your posts resonate with me and I am sure we so much better mothers than the mothers we had.
Talking of presents my daughter (Down Syndrome) came home the other night and presented me with a tube of extra strong mints as a late Xmas present ❤️

But survive you did, Kate. And although those scars will never leave you, keep telling yourself that you are a survivor - and stronger than you probably give yourself credit for.

Such sad posts. How dare these parents have children and treat them in such a way that it blights their lives?

I was scared every day of my childhood at home and at school, being terrorised by Catholic nuns and priests. I had opportunities in life that I never took as my self esteem and confidence were so low. Unfortunately frightened children often make frightened adults as in my case.

Well done to all of you who survived it. I'm not sure how I did.

Marydoll

*Judiej*, the birthday gift resonated with me.

I got a pittance of pocket money and had saved to buy a pretty handbag mirror for Mother's Day (the irony).
I remember it clearly, I gave my mother the gift, she threw it back at me, shouting: Why on earth would I want this? 😢

Yes, this seems to a common factor of the emotional abuse. I can also relate to it. We try to gain approval by giving gifts, emotional people pleasers.
For years I bought my mother, often expensive presents. They were mostly met with derision. Looking back I rarely got a decent Christmas present, often bought at the last minute. As my birthday is just after Christmas, often there was no present, sometimes a mention of one at a later date. None of this was due to financial restraints.
She almost never bought anything for my children, even at their birth.
I protected my children from her as she was so disinterested in them.

Reading all of these posts has been like going back years. I think we all were victims of the remnants of the Victorian Era. “Children should be seen and not heard”. No telling children how much you love them! Only one of my friends was told that. One, out of how many?
I think and hope we treat our children differently

So sad to read these stories.
The book ‘The emotionally absent mother’ by Jasmin Lee Cori might help the healing process

The birthday gift thing also resonated with me - although in a slightly different way. My children went to give my mother a birthday gift and she all but threw it back in their faces. That was something of a 'lightbulb moment' for me. I remember thinking 'no, you may have treated me like this all these years but I'm damned if you are going to do the same to my children'!

I am so sorry to hear about so many bad experiences on here. It is horrible to think that there were so many bad parents.

Judiej, the birthday gift resonated with me.

I got a pittance of pocket money and had saved to buy a pretty handbag mirror for Mother's Day (the irony).
I remember it clearly, I gave my mother the gift, she threw it back at me, shouting: Why on earth would I want this? 😢

Judiej, I remember something similar, we were making cross stitch mats at school, we were probably about seven. I was really proud of mine, and I had fantasies about presenting it to my mother, and her being amazed and delighted, it was wrapped in tissue paper when I had finished it. I presented it to her outside of school, couldn’t wait to get home.
She didn’t even open it, shoved it in her bag, and I can’t remember any further mention of it.

It was a relief to read your post, as I thought myself abnormal in never grieving my mother's death. I was born in 1951, to a mother who showed me no love and a father who was authoritarian. His career came first and he eventually rose from an apprentice engineer to director, working long hours. In his absence, the only attention I received from my mother was negative, or passive aggressive. I never received praise for anything, despite gaining a place at grammar school and being reasonably bright and sporty. No matter how hard I tried to gain her love, the result was a stony silence. Probably the most hurtful was, at age seven, having saved my pocket money, (from my gran, who was very loving and the opposite of her daughter, my mother), for weeks and weeks, to buy her a pretty bath set I'd seen in a shop window, near school. I went into my parents' bedroom on the morning of her birthday and, on giving it to her, was met with nothing: not even a smile, or a 'Thank you'. I can still feel the hurt and confusion: I had built up an imaginary scene of her hugs and kisses: something she would never share with me. I remember many, many put-downs; possibly the worst received was an out-of-the-blue statement that she'd never wanted children. I knew in that moment that I was unwanted, and, therefore, unloved. I haven't received counselling. I have the best relationship with my daughter who makes my heart soar. I know, however, that my life has been overshadowed by my childhood. It is hard to close off from it. The above is only the tip of the iceberg.

No is the answer to the question. Our experiences in childhood lay the foundations for the rest of our lives.
I am in my seventies now and still suffer the effects of my mother's ill-treatment. She was a very unpleasant person, few people liked her and I was the unfortunate victim of her nastiness.

I think my mother suffered from mental illness, not diagnosed, and covered up by my dad and my grandmother. My dad was very hands on for a dad in the late fifties, and looking back, I think he tried to keep me out of her way as much as possible.
I feel sorry for my dad, he was a nice man, and his life must have been unfulfilled and stressful, I always had fantasies that a lady he used to chat to when we went into town was his secret girlfriend, she seemed so nice.

I remember to this day the great feeling of relief when I was around 13 or 14 because I was too big to hit and I was old enough to have my own life and opinions. My childhood was over and I just felt a great burden had been lifted. Hard to explain to others.

Having read all the posts, much resonates with me.
An extremely narcissistic mother, who has made all but the last year hell.
I now see how my childhood has affected every area of my life from low self esteem, bad choices ( thinking sex was love) and craving attention from unsuitable men.Alwsys trying to please.
I had huge issues with abandonment and rejection.

After the sudden death of my DH from which I had PTSD which also brought back all my childhood traumas, insecurities.
I was able to acknowledge this is what happened but it doesn’t have to keep defying who I am now, I have truly put the demons to rest.

My mother now 88 with dementia is in a care home.
She has absolutely no power over me,I visit her, take her little luxury’s basically play the ‘ loving daughter’ but have no emotional feelings towards her.
I feel no guilt, no nothing but for the first time in 60+ years I have mental and emotional freedom, yes my body carries the physical scars, on occasions the mental, emotional scars but now … I can rationalise this and move on … I have peace of mind
I’m now leading a quiet, constructive happy life, seeing the beauty in nature with no more feelings of inadequacy or failure.

If I could have given my twenty year old self advise, it would have been run don’t walk as far away as you can and don’t look back.
Think of all the brave people who have contributed to this thread.

Your post has really resonated with me. My mother is 85 and still alive. My mother was never unkind or abusive to me as a child but I always felt she didn’t love me or even like me. I have always put it down to middle child syndrome.
My father worked shifts all his working life and I honestly find it hard to remember happy family times. My parents were normal working class people with holidays and family outings a rarity.
I can honestly say I have never had a compliment or word of pride from my mothet. Not on my wedding day or my daughter’s wedding day. Just once she could have said “you look nice, that suits you”
My father was the same. Not cruel just not loving. Don’t remember any cuddles.
My mum never fails to boast about my brother and younger sister. I’m not just being petty my husband and children notice it too.
Long story short my dad died 4 months ago and although sorry for his pain I hate to admit I was not devastated and now my mum wants here family around her to comfort her and I am struggling. I don’t feel anything for her and hate feeling obligated to phone her to see how she is. I have my own family and grandchild whom I adore and even though I still struggle with the touchy feely bit they all know I love them and are so proud of them.
I suppose it is a shame, my mum doesn’t like me and I have no real feelings for her but I have a lot of love in my and I give it unconditionally to those who deserve it.

Recover No. Accept Yes. Regret Yes. Yearning Yes. Influential is emotional intelligence Yes muchly

No. IMO One cannot recover from being a person. Everyone lands somewhere and some like where they land and others do not. What a human can do is own where they wound up exactly the way they are and have compassion for the kind of human humans are. Only accepting where you wound up leads to the room to be a person you imagine your would like to be nw.

So many of us. How sad and how comforting this thread is. Well done Ziggy for being brave enough to start it.