Can we ever recover from unhappy/abusive childhood?

Yes, I believe it is possible to recover. Looking back I wish I'd cut her out of my life decades ago. When invited to family gatherings I still have to remind myself that they are happy occasions now.

I feel such upset when I hear fondly or even people complaining about there mother as I don’t consider I had one. She died when I was 12 and had been ill for years with motor neurone disease so don’t remember any parenting from her.

You are not alone. My mother used to love to ruin every fun event. Her thirst for attention overshadowed everything. She didn't even want my siblings and I to know when she died to punish us. But, I have a great relationship with my daughter, vowing not to be like her. I've had my struggles, but my resolve to not be like her carries me on.

My biggest fear throughout my life was that I would be a terrible mother like mine was. I love my kids and 30 years ago when they started having children, my daughter told me that they had all been chatting. They agreed that they wanted the children to have exactly the same upbringing as they had . So in a way I have got part of it resolved.

I was a whipping boy for my mother for 70 years. I am not ashamed to say I hate her.

I'm in my mid 60s. Was adopted to a mature couple in their very late 30s. My adoptive sister and I were subject to alsorts of abuse, mental and physical (but not sexual- that came later but stemmed from my childhood growing up to be a people pleaser).
I was told during an early therapy session that they were only doing the best they could do. That left me angry. I had recognised that was the wrong way to treat someone you loved, so why couldn't they?
The thing that made the biggest difference to me was finding out both sets of birth grandparents had wanted to raise me, which would have lead to a) possibly growing up on a small holding with an aunt who shared my love of horses.
Or b) growing up with my paternal family who all emigrated to Australia.

I am in the same boat and just like you, I look back at my roller coaster of a life and regret how much it has affected my whole life. I am always in therapy and can accept and understand her behaviour but can never forgive how toxic family relationships infect entire generations. I try hard to come to peace with it, and not give it any power and control in my life, but happiness is elusive for me but I still strive to find it.

'This year was the first year I haven't enjoyed Christmas. I feel like I've made such an effort all my life to make a normal happy family life, I don't feel like making the effort anymore'

OP this is me too. Late 60s, I've been in therapy a long time - and actually now I really understand my childhood experiences, my mental health is better but I feel the feelings deeply and physically exhausted. But I'm not depressed - I just feel that I don't want to keep striving and striving - in fact I don't need to. Those that love me don't need me to either. I'm too exhausted to do anything but enjoy my own life, even if it's not the life I thought I would have, with lots of activity and family socialising. I didn't know how much I wanted and needed quiet and solitude.
I couldn't bear the whole Xmas thing this year - and my family are completely fine with that - maybe a bit relieved they didn't have to do it either.
Yes so many of us and we were just little children. My grandchildren have totally different lives and I'm so glad they do.

So much of this has brought some really unhappy memories back that I haven't thought about in years. I was the eldest in an Irish catholic family and my brother was born a year after me. I then became invisible to my mother. I found out as I got older that if I was really good, trying to get in her good books, my mother treated me as if I didn't exist. To make her notice me I got into all sorts of trouble - not police serious trouble just enough to know I existed. At least when she was hitting me she knew I existed and so did I. I haven't thought about this in years and I'm crying reading this thread. However, I did go on to have 4 children and now have 7 grandchildren and I love them all to bits. My children still come to me with their problems. #Ziggy62 I wish I'd never started reading this thread but I'm also very glad that I did. Thinking of everyone on here who has posted. Life is worth living and we may carry the scars we haven't let them define us.

You know it’s strange reading all these stories, I thought, when I was trying to escape my family, that I was the only one who had an abusive mother. She was always so cold and repressed I never had An encouraging word from her, in fact she would blame me for everything that happened. When I was 11 I had acute appendicitis and was rushed into hospital, spending 4 weeks there due to peritonitis, I had also just started menstruation in the month before. My periods stopped when I was 14 due to the botched appendectomy, but my mother accused me of having sexual intercourse and becoming pregnant. I only found out years later that it was the appendix debarcle which caused the premature menopause and my subsequent infertility.
That is just one example of my mother’s cold inability to love me, let alone help me. I have now reached the age of 70and STILL cannot forgive my mother.

I am 1 of 8 kids. Older brother sexually abused all the 4 girls in family. A family 'freind' rated my brother. A drunken stepfather strangled my brother, I had to push him off, I was only 12. My mum would strangle my sister because she was 'mouthy'. If social services had gone into our house they would have removed us all immediately. But everything happened behind closed doors. Good hidings for wetting the bed etc. We always had food on the table, as mum's 1st husband and herself both worked. We were left home alone at times, with no one to feed us, walking home from school over a busy road aged 5 and 6, the list go's on. I have 2 sons. They are my world. I raised them totally different, and made a promise to myself when I was a child I was never going to be like the adults in my family. My mental health has always suffered from the way I was raised, but I do try to live a good life. My boys are kind and loving. I'm really proud of them. They treat others as they'd like to be treated.

It filled me with great sadness reading all these posts as I had a happy childhood. I applaud the stoicism of you all.

Mine was my mother as well. I was the 3rd of 4 children and was told every day how much she hated me, how she wished I had never been born, how I was the worst thing that ever happened to her, that she had tried to miscarry with me was angry she had not succeeded, and other such lovely things.
We were in the forces, and my dad was not always around. Back in the 1950s and 1960s, men had nothing to do with child care. I do not remember my dad ever being cruel to me, but I also don't remember him defending me either.
I cut my mother out of my life when she started telling my eldest child horrible things about me, I think my daughter was about 4, and made sure she had no further contact with any of them or myself.
I did go to her funeral but only to support my younger brother. My sister in law would not visit or allow here children to visit as she was as horrible to her as she had been to me. She was a foul mouth nasty old woman who died alone.
The lasting legacy this gave me was to make sure my children knew they were wanted, loved and treated fairly.

Its heartbreaking to hear your stories. I wish you all well and lots of love.

I certainly do not know to what extent anyone can recover from having had abusive or uncaring parents.

I assume any recovery would need to be based on realising that the fault rests entirely with the parents you describe and in no way with those who suffered abuse.

Surely, you would need a good psychiatrist to help you through the process of recovery?

I do think we can overcome an abusive childhood, your mother and mine might have been twins, I didn’t speak to mine for more than thirty five years, I realised as a teenager that I could only survive mentally by cutting her off as did one of my sisters, I felt no guilt when she died only relief., some people should never be parents, I might add I’ve raised four fairly well adjusted children who are nice human beings.

My parents weren’t abusive but they only loved each other and were very selfish. I still can’t understand why they had children. Love was conditional on doing as you were told and being controlled. Growing up you think these things are normal, it is only when your world expands and you see the lovely relationships people have with their parents that you realise your parents weren’t capable of parenting really. It’s very sad and I envy girls who are close to their mums but you try to break the circle and do the opposite with your children hopefully. Our two sons are close and always in touch. My mum is now in a home where she is just as selfish and entitled so she isn’t going to change. The only way to deal with it is to set your boundaries and walk away at times to ensure you don’t keep being hurt. I count my blessings and am very thankful for a lovely mother in law who showed me how mums should be!

Ziggy62 Thank you for this thread. It has helped me feel validated. I could take a sentence or two from almost every post and that would be my story too.

In my 60's, I still hurt and have nightmares about my mother and although I am free of her presence as she is dead, she has left her legacy. This made my life more difficult and lonely than it should have been through a lack of confidence.

In my 50's, a Counsellor told me that apart from my mother's narcissistic personality disorder she probably quite rightly resented my existence as she had managed to avoid becoming pregnant for 5 years of marriage and now had a little 'competitor' for my father's affections and income! I still don't know how to take that as my father loved me unconditionally and helped make my life bearable, but constantly made excuses for my mother's 'nerves' when she behaved badly.

I am very confused how some can say they have come through it all unscathed, but as a parent myself, I brought my children up lovingly and with honesty and made a point of ensuring they got to mix with other children and were held and comforted - doesn't mean I am unscathed though. I guess everyone has their own experiences and personalities that shape our resilience and how we turn out.

Sending love to all the Survivors out there.

I don’t think I ever got over my parents relationship, my father left when I was 8 then they went back together only to part again when I was 11. My brother stayed with my father , I went to live in our horrid flat , which had an outside loo and no bath or hot water . My brother had all home comforts apart from my mum. We struggled along, my mum worked hard I spent many days on my own. Then she remarried a man who became abusive mentally and physically. Long story . But I am now 72 and I still struggle with relationships with men . Married twice I had three children whom two boys don’t speak to me and a fairly uncaring daughter . I had tons of therapy over the years . But I live on my own for the last 20 years , and many years previously with my children. I had a crap childhood and things are still hard. But I have a nice little house a nice car and a few good friends . What do I need ??????

I really wasn't expecting this when I started this thread.

Heartbreaking

Thinking of you all

Ziggy62, As soon as I saw the thread for this post I had to read it straight away. I can relate to so much you have said. My brother and I suffered terribly at the hands of our Mother, and it still affects both of us and he is 69 and I'm 66!!

You've got over the hurdle of admitting it. It must have been a great release to be able to talk to your friend about it, but unfortunately she has now gone. Mourn your dear friend, but go forward with positivity. This is your time now. In time try and remember the good things your Mother did and not to dwell on the bad ones. Stay strong and positive.

Mine was mixed. I remember feeling unhappy and anxious a lot as a child and my father had a dreadful temper and often went well beyond smacking me. My mother said he used to beat her up too but she stopped him by threatening to stab him in his sleep. So bearing that in mind when I reached 16 and got the courage up I fought back. He looked terrified and never touched me again. Eventually we started getting on really well and he seemed to respect me for standing up for myself. My mother was a very interesting person, and although not particularly warm (she even described herself as cold) I found her fun company. Well as I've recently posted, I was at boarding school by 7, so I guess I learned to live without a lot of warmth (temperature-wise also - I remember always feeling cold at school)

I was a skivvy, a slave, I was the oldest girl with 6 younger siblings. I was also beaten by my mum, the time I remember most was when I was trying to shush the others, she came in with a beaded belt and I got full force

I was locked in the dark outside toilet a lot and also in the pitch black cellar. I was a really good child, always smiley. I remember too, all I wanted was a mum who would wash my hair, like my friends mums did

There were good times, going to the park and so on.

She took out her frustration on me. Our dad was lovely, quiet and worked all the hours possible. I cried at my mother in laws funeral. Not a single tear for my mum. The lack of affection affected me all my life. I did my very best to overcome that after I married and had my own children

We don't recover but learn to live with it. The words, actions, feelings dont disappear and do resurface from time to time. You acknowledge then put away. Counselling helps.

Nearly 60 and never ever been good enough Haven't physically seen her for more than a year although I speak to her almost daily She still constantly criticises and steals my joy She was a nightmare at my wedding 9 years ago I really regretted inviting her She's not invited to my 60 yh birthday celebrations I will be surrounded by folk who love and appreciate me instead