Can we ever recover from unhappy/abusive childhood?

I’m sorry you’ve had to live with trauma. I know from my experience you can overcome childhood trauma. I was abused by a family friend following the death of my father, but with the love and support of my DH and family I can see I wasn’t responsible for the other person’s actions.

No, I don't think we can ever erase memories of our childhood. Whether bad or good memories, they are a part of us.

As adults, how we manage those memories helps us cope.

Gentle hugsss~~~~

Very worried initially about posting on an open forum, but for those kindly and supportive folks who have had a happy and fulfilled childhood, there are those who still suffer unfortunately. My mother was worse, but once, when already out to work {you WILL go out to work my girl, we need the money}, had a row with my father. He said "one more word and you'll be sorry". Of course, cheeked him, whereupon he whipped off his rubber-soled slipper [never seen anyone move so fast] and thrashed me around the head and face. Despite putting up my hands to protect the areas, one day later, my face was black, yellow, shades of blue. My work colleagues shocked "what happened to you!"? My father obviously felt badly, but only because it was so visible. He never apologised. Six months later, left home to work abroad.

I think you can learn to live with the memories of an unhappy childhood, but some of the behaviours stick with you. My mother didnt love me, or even like me, although she adored my younger brother. Dad loved me, but was away for huge amounts of time for work. My parents argued every waking minute so my guess is Dad volunteered for trips away to escape. Mum was never physically abusive, it was just constant undermining of everything I did and said. Her favourite was to tell me no man would ever marry someone like me, and I grew up convinced there was something really wrong with me. I barely spoke to other people for fear they would find out what I was really like. I did marry and have two children of my own and then spent six years in therapy which helped me to accept that I was basically an entirely normal person. However I never really was able to shake the lack of confidence in myself, its too deep seated. I would have been quite a sociable person without Mum, but instead I have been fairly isolated and lonely with bouts of serious depression and a teenage eating disorder that took years to shift. As a mother I more or less operated on the assumption that if I did the opposite to my mother then it would be pretty good and I am sure my children know I love them.

No.

Just today, as I was leaving my daughters house (she's in her 40's) she put her arms around me and wouldn't let go, saying I just want a cuddle...that started me off crying, she wanted to know why, saying "everyone wants a cuddle from their Mum," so I had to tell her that it was because I had never had a cuddle from my mother.

I've never spoken to either of my children about the neglect and abuse I suffered.

Ziggy, I think it's bound to stay with you to a certain extent, as you can't obliterate all memories. The trick is to learn to respond in a positive way to memories, or put them out of your mind by doing something else. I still get flashbacks occasionally and I think of how I'm glad that I've had better life since being an adult. That's how I deal with it but I'm lucky that my situation was nowhere near as bad as many have experienced.

I so sympathise with you ladies. My mother wanted a boy and I was a massive disappointment to her. She often told me that I was nothing like her or her family as I looked like my father and had a similar personality and interests to him. This seemed to be a big failing in her eyes. She never once cuddled or hugged me and was permanently cross with me. On my wedding day my MIL gave me a big, smiley hug but when I turned hopefully to my mother she swiftly turned away. There was a lot of low level physical hurt too - smacking, pulling my hair, pinching, digging her nails in and so on that I thought was normal. I was frightened of her and what she might say to me and have had low self esteem all my life as I always ‘knew’ deep down I was rubbish! How I have coped is to be very loving and affectionate to my own family and I also care for sick or abandoned animals. I chose teaching as a caring profession so I could be kind and help other children to sort of make up for my own childhood. One student who lived in residential care once told me that I was like a mum to her and had been to hundreds of other children over the years. She didn’t know it but I wept at the end of that class and felt I was finally healed. Best wishes to you all. You deserve to be loved just for being you. Any lack of affection from your parents was not your fault.

I wonder if there is a an explanation for this generation of abusive mothers. Many of them probably spent there youth either as evacuees or with bombs dropping all around them.

My Nan who,lived with us was also abusive and very spiteful. She had 10 boys then my mother and her twin was born. She was born with a limp and said that her pretty, sister could do no wrong. The sister was Nans favourite

Because mother rarely went to school, due to sickness and lots of hospital admissions, she spent all her time at work with Grandpa. He killed himself when she was a teen .

My mother had definitely had her fair share of heartache before I was born, and I can feel sorry for that, but I know it’s not right to take all of your unhappiness out on one child. She wasn’t a good mother to my brother, but it was me she sought to aim all of her meanness and spite towards.
I don’t and never will forgive her, she continues to be a very nasty woman, playing favourites right to the end, well I’m glad I’m out of it.

I'm quite shocked and saddened at the number of posts on this thread

I'm still not sure counselling is of much help (or at least it wasn't to me)
Psychotherapy was torture but without it I possibly wouldn't be here.

If only we all lived closer, we could start up a support group

I think only Survivors truly understand

I hope all the survivors who have posted on here have found some comfort

Thinking of us on this cold, dark January evening. We're doing great

I have always known that things would have been different had I been a boy.

Allalongagatha

I wonder if there is a an explanation for this generation of abusive mothers. Many of them probably spent there youth either as evacuees or with bombs dropping all around them.

My Nan who,lived with us was also abusive and very spiteful. She had 10 boys then my mother and her twin was born. She was born with a limp and said that her pretty, sister could do no wrong. The sister was Nans favourite

Because mother rarely went to school, due to sickness and lots of hospital admissions, she spent all her time at work with Grandpa. He killed himself when she was a teen .

My mother was not an evacuee, nor had bombs dropping around her. She thought her father was godlike, hated her mother, who I wish I'd known better, but didn't, due to my mother.

You are not alone. I'm 66 and grew up with a mother who never loved me (but did love my 6 siblings). She died last week. I'm only mourning all the beautiful things that could have been but never were.

I'm now 71 but a young at heart one I was physically mentally and sexually abused for 10 years of my childhood it was by a half sister and her husband my father died when I was 2yrs old and my mom when I was 4yrs old my mom didn't like me at all so no love there either my half sister was hers so that's probably why they treated me so badly..I have 4 children whom I love with all my heart and treated them with love and affection and to love each other ..I sometimes sit and think how the heck did I get this far in my life but I did it and yes there are scars but they are locked away now..

no but you can surround yourself with people who make you happy but it is always there and the fear of loss is horrible

Some of your stories are absolutely heartbreaking, and although my childhood (as I described earlier) was loveless, my Mum was not a monster (far from it). She wasn't mean or vindictive, she was just worn out from looking after 3 small children on her own and working 3 part-time jobs at the same time. I do think her generation were quite undemonstrative, and children were meant to be seen and not heard. In her later years, when money wasn't tight and she'd retired, she could relax and she showered her grandchildren with affection and was a lovely grandmother. I certainly loved my Mum, but just wish she had been able to mother us when we were young.

Thank you Ziggy62 for this thread. My heart goes out to all . As you say only survivors truly understand. Sharing experiences can be helpful.

Everybody is different so are affected differently. We had a catastrophic and dysfunctional home. I could write a book !
I’ve got on with life ,married,kids,etc. But your formative years if neglected,abused,cruel treatment are always lurking inside you. The affect it has had on me is to be a bit apart from all ,even my children. I’m always ready to retreat into myself where I know nobody can get me. You build a wall around yourself as protection and for me it’s the only way I know how to be. For those who had love,security,nurturing and all the things every child should have I am beyond envious. I see it as a warm soft blanket that you have through life and I cannot imagine it!

You brought tears to my eyes, I can' t even imagine what you went through ....but you came out the other side and are still with us.Bless you.

I also have a story involving sexual abuse, being illegitimate, of being a disappointment to my troubled, angry, emotionally abusive, neglectful and rejecting cold mother. I was never hugged, kissed and never told I was loved. Just screamed at, had awful things said to me and felt in the way.

It all kicked off when she married my [awful] stepfather and had my half sister and brother. She also kept me short of food, and showed me no affection whatsoever. I was just a nuisance, an annoying reminder of the past in her new life. She hated my father for what he had done [understandably].

Before she married she was ok as after running from my father my Grandmother took us in and I had a more or less happy childhood living with her until I was 11, before it all went very wrong. Mum was happy enough [and ok with me] before she married but she was either at work or went out at weekends so Grandmother brought me up and I was with her all the time, so was essentially my mother figure. We were very close.

I had to live with my mother and stepfather when I was 11 so Grandmother didn't know what was going on in that house, and was just noticed time and again that I was so hungry when I visited her. Apart from seeing her my teenage years were hellish.

I've had therapy but my life has been difficult and I have never quite shaken off the hurt/memories of the past. Deep down I am sad. Life is more about surviving than thriving as now at 75 I am on my own, pretty lonely. I feel nobody gets me. But I have had a marriage, other close relationships and have sons and grandchildren so I've known love and some successes. Not consistent peace though as triggers often occur, and I have to fight to keep my spirits up.

My Grandmother saved me, I know she loved me and she gave me a grounding, care, support and taught me so much. When she died I was very unwell.

I am not a very confident person because of it all [far, far more than I can say on here], I find life difficult and relate to very few people. Nowadays my sons, DiL's and grandchildren make life worthwhile. I do admire those who have overcome their problems though, it takes some doing, and my heart goes out to all who have told such very sad stories X

My lovely Mum was an abused child. I heard stories from family members describing her mother’s violent attacks on her in childhood. She was one of three children but the other two were doted on- as were their children. It only occurred to me a little while ago that and my siblings never received even a birthday card from our grandmother even though she paid for school uniforms and holidays for our cousins whose parents were much better off than us. My Mum recovered by being the best Mum any could wish for and stronger and braver than and wiser than anyone I have ever known.

I can only speak from my experience and mine started as what would be seen as idyllic in lots of ways but was clearly, as time went on punctuated with parental mental illness, stress and i believe mis diagnosed (not that it was truly recognised then) autism.
I love both parents but both have been terribly selfish and were ill equipped i guess, in a closed world where things "just happened" behind closed doors.
I felt unloved, disliked often, a burden, was made to feel like a weirdo, my appearance mocked often and even random strangers encouraged to join in (literally anywhere we were) the most odd behaviour i realise now from an adult

It took years to re connect with my father and at a very elderly age, I guess sensing his vulnerability as he aged...he softened and perhaps felt for the first time, some of emotions he had never felt before?
Goodness knows.
I have had counselling for a number of years but I don't know ill ever be at peace with it.
It raises its head in my confidence levels, general self esteem and my inner being jsut screams to be alone as I feel safest this way.
I think having the rug pulled from beneath your feet, repeatedly betrayed by care givers etc etx certainly is something one would battle with.
It's helped me towards a career where sensitivity and a keen eye for "something is up" antenna is rarely wrong (sometimes it is and im aware and careful not to have type cast someone etc based on my own 'triggers'.) Professionally it's helpful... but in my personal life it still wreaks havoc,I'm sure of it.
I still think counselling has been massively beneficial and will continue to go...good luck x

Allalongagatha

I wonder if there is a an explanation for this generation of abusive mothers. Many of them probably spent there youth either as evacuees or with bombs dropping all around them.

My Nan who,lived with us was also abusive and very spiteful. She had 10 boys then my mother and her twin was born. She was born with a limp and said that her pretty, sister could do no wrong. The sister was Nans favourite

Because mother rarely went to school, due to sickness and lots of hospital admissions, she spent all her time at work with Grandpa. He killed himself when she was a teen .

That's a sad story Allalongagatha so your mother had a mother who was abusive and spiteful and then her father committed suicide when she was a teenager. (I hope I've got that right).
Your mother was often sick and in hospital, do you know the book, The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk? There's a lot of understanding now of sickness and disease as often the result of childhood trauma.
Your mother must have suffered such grief and loss and she perhaps had few friends as she didn't go to school. Who knows what happened to her in hospital, think of Jimmy Saville!
I have a story I'm not going to repeat here and perhaps you do too but I wanted to say that I appreciate your post. It has resonances for me. We all have different ways of dealing with what happened to us.

My mother was neglectful , vain and had psychiatric problems . I was left to look after my sister of 6 yrs every Saturday when I was 8 and 6 days a week in the summer holidays . Mother had many young boyfriends , stood out like a sore thumb in the industrial town I was brought up dressed in mini skirts , wigs etc . Refused to have my club foot treated and I wasn’t allowed built up shoes so nearly went on my own to get them when 9 but darent . Now I am a bit of a cripple who has often fallen when my foot given way anxx D.C. have to usually wear ankle boots with laces . So many other things . She disappeared for many years with her burglar , peeping Tom husband 21 years younger than her and left us to “ take him to another town to look after him “ she told the judge when I skived off school to help her in case he went to prison which I think he nearly did . I thought “ but what about is” ? As we didn’t live with our dad either. . I had to get my sister on the pill when she was 13 to not get pregnant as she stayed at her boyfriend’s house every night . I more or less lived on my own at 16 and my friends thought I was lucky as I could do what I wanted - but my reply was I would rather have parents who cared what I was doing. She never gave us a birthday gift or Xmas but would get narked if we didn’t give her one , she stole all my sisters coins from her piggy bank with a knife . Still you have to move on and I always felt odd as had no supportive parents so just got on with it but my mother was an excellent reverse role model on how not to bring children up . The husband deserted her at 60 and she became anorexic weighing 4 stones and agraphobic but the social workers couldn’t trace us as she had moved many times not leaving an address but would do things like ring up my landlady saying she was coming to live with me the next day much to my Surprise but never came or explained it . She rang and spoke to a nurse in the nurses home I lived in saying how neglectful I was so got left an anonymous letter written in poor English telling me off ! So many things but as one person said - so many of us in a similar position . Blessings to all of you who have had such difficulties in your childhood - you are not alone Xx

I’m not going to detail my abusive childhood by four different family members but I do empathise with all of you who have also suffered. I have tried counselling, hypnotherapy, etc. to help me become less negatively affected, eg anxiety, fear, insecurity, be perfect so that I’ll be safe etc. I’m 76 now and still trying to let it go. Currently use meditations, and focus on all that I have to be grateful for.
My aim is to accept what happened as part of my life and let it go. I don’t understand why I can’t let it go - it doesn’t help me - what haunts me at the moment is my first stepmother beating me with a poker when I was 6 years old - don’t understand why that is back in my mind again, and find it frustrating. For many years I never thought about it at all.