Can we ever recover from unhappy/abusive childhood?

Yes, I believe it is possible to recover. Looking back I wish I'd cut her out of my life decades ago. When invited to family gatherings I still have to remind myself that they are happy occasions now.

I don't know about genes but I tend to think we're all products of our history and the history of our parents and immediate family.
The way humans behave, think of the 20th century, the shadow was poverty, harsh working conditions, colonialism bringing slavery and mass emigration, the Victorian age and its morals, the 20th century brought 2 World Wars in which millions died and a massive economic crash in the 1930s. And that's just the big stuff!
Violence and abuse is always with us and always will be. Some are lucky and many aren't. Life being suffering as the Buddhists say, is true!
Doing my family history and studying history brought me some peace because, in all honesty, there were people who had miserable lives suffering poverty, pandemics, early death, dead children from illness and accident, forced adoption and separation.
I have an Irish friend who became pregnant at 16 and her mother just closed the front door in her face and said 'I never want to see or hear from you again'. Ireland is a good case study of colonial interference, poverty and appalling treatment of women.
There was a thread on resilience the other day, I think it depends on personality and what level of support and love the child had which bring the ability not to pass on what you suffered as a child. There's that Philip Larkin poem......

I was recently very struck by the thought that the religious statement 'rest in peace' might well have a much deeper meaning sorry, if that's a bleak thought.

Yes, I think we can recover.
We will probably always think back and wonder why, and how things might have been different, but it is what it is, and we owe it to ourselves to live the best lives we can.

Sadly, I too had a fairly loveless childhood.

I adored my father and I know that he loved me but he was very undemonstrative and largely absent. My mother was also undemonstrative and I hated her as she was always nasty to me and told me many times over that I was unattractive, that there was something wrong with me and that I would never have any friends. This was usually triggered when I wouldn't follow what she wanted me to eat, wear or who I went out with. She was a control freak who refused to accept that her children had grown into independent adults with different ideas to hers.

My father died when I was 19 and my sisters had married an left home so then I got the full range of anger and hate, as though his death had been my fault.

I know that I have been badly affected by her behaviour.

In answer to the OP's question about whether you can ever recover I think you'd have to be able to accept what happened and perhaps forgive the parent(s) who mistreated you, and I have given this a lot of thought lately.

I have come to the view that each of my parents had awful childhoods and my mother had very traumatic experiences during the war so they were both damaged personalities before they became parents. Their abilities to show love had never developed properly.

In short, my mother couldn't control her behaviour and counsellors weren't available then, but she wouldn't have gone to one as she thought only she knew best! So perhaps my remaining anger is misplaced as it is treating her as though she was a "normal" person when she never was.

Sara1954

I’m free too!

Isn’t it wonderful?

I don’t have to worry about her constant disapproval, attention seeking and nasty behaviour.

I enjoy Christmas now, whereas she used to cast a shadow over every occasion.

She has been dead 4 years and I feel every day without her I feel stronger.
My father has been dead 30 years, I doubt he’s made it upstairs yet, he will be festering in hell.

I pray my children would never speak of me in this way.

So much is familiar, it’s sad to remember the lonely and misunderstood child I once was. But I now know that whatever was said, or not said, over the years, the lack of any sort of kindness or affection, the put downs, the sneering, the lack of any warmth, these were not my problems.
I admit it took me many years to realise this, but now I’m liberated from her, she can do her worst, she can lie about me, she can tell herself that she is the victim of a nasty, ungrateful daughter, but I don’t care, I’m free!

Sago

I totally understand, it's unforgivable

As i mentioned mine did the same after my father died. Although she said I'd stolen my dead father's money. In fact he'd left the insurance money in my name to pay for his funeral, which obviously I did.

About a year later I leased a new car, so of course those who wanted to believe her didn't take much persuading

I no longer care what people think, I know the truth but it hurt at the time

I'm sure one day your cousins will learn the truth

The thing that hurt me more than the beatings or the constant put downs are the lies my mother told about me.
I have cousins who think I stole from my mother and coerced her for money.

As an adult she couldn’t control me so as she was such an expert narc she found other ways to hurt me.

I wish someone had told me as a child it was not my fault but theirs.

Talking to friends ,who have similar feelings of being continually disapproved of by one or both parents as a child-we have all wondered if we are the victims of fifties parents with incredible standards and also have considered history repeating itself ie : genetics .

I hardly remember my mother demonstrating any warmth towards me .
I recall longing for her and trying to cling to her if I got a goodnight kiss .
I used to get inbetween my parents in bed on Saturday mornings wanting a cuddle and being escorted out .
I also remember my distressed grandmother asking her why she ignored me .
By the time I was 13 I stopped .
And by age 15 I'd become an accomplished liar trying to go out or spend the night at friend's houses ,because I was liked and approved of .
There was a sudden awareness on her part that things were not good between us.
She arranged a day out.
I was so excited and thrilled.
But what I recall is her completely losing her temper with me in the middle of an art gallery .

Years later ,
I experienced action replay with one of my daughters .
Her ice cold personality is exactly like that of my mother's - no physical contact allowed and she too ,exploded into a rage in an gallery ! It was one of many occasions .
And yet , after all this rejection-I was polite and dutiful .
I have friends, who have non - existent relationships with their mothers .
We've all wondered about genetics as some have difficult relationships with their children.

We can only hope so. Kate.

I hope so MissI. Also when I was taken out of class aged 7 with no explanation, put in a large van alone. Eventually the van stopped, I was taken out, had what I now know as my head deloused, put back in the van alone, taken back to school. Not a word was said. I don't know if my parents were ever told. Hopefully that would never happen now.

Kate1949

Yes no Child Line. No anything really. When I was about 5 and my sister 8, as I have mentioned before, we went to the local police station and told the desk sergeant that our dad kept hitting our mom. He said 'Go home girls. We can't help you.'

That's awful, Kate. One can only hope that things would be handled very differently now.

Although I posted of my experience on this thread I realise that actually I was lucky in some ways.
I did not suffer any physical abuse or neglect, it was just unkindness , harsh words, lowering my self esteem and then trying to do the same to my children.
That was one of the reasons we moved away when my D was 18 months old so the pattern was not repeated.
My C saw through her and never felt the fear I felt that I was never good enough or not being prepared to devote my life to her as she always reiterated she had done for me.
Some of you have gone through terrible traumatic times and my admiration for you is huge .

The saying ‘sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me’ is, in my experience, untrue. It’s very easy to shatter a small child’s confidence and self-esteem, irrevocably. The words may as well have been spoken yesterday, not 70-odd years ago. In later life I have come to understand how damaged the speaker was, and why, but the words will stay with me always.

It's reassuring reading about other people having parents they wish they never had ! You can feel like it's just you My confidence was taken from me it's affected my life in every way But I was a good mother I knew what not to do

Fartooold

Yes I have been so lucky, my birth mother abandoned me on a railway station age 6 my dad picked me up a short time later (it seemed like hours to me) I have never seen her since. Life was ok a little different until I was 11 and he married the woman from hell who had a 2 year old daughter spoilt brat!
Life was awful emotional abuse on a daily basis!
I left home at 18 and started nursing in a children’s hospital it was brilliant!
My lovely husband RIP and I had 3 children and after being a midwife a beautiful baby with Down Syndrome was left at the hospital well I couldn’t leave him so we adopted him! Adoption is a bug and we landed up adopting 6! I am certain my upbringing made me gather them in
sadly 2 have died but they were loved! Hope I haven’t sent you all to sleep 😴

Wow! You and your dear late husband sound like truly amazing people

Sending big love to all of you brave and wonderful GNs x

Fartooold

Yes I have been so lucky, my birth mother abandoned me on a railway station age 6 my dad picked me up a short time later (it seemed like hours to me) I have never seen her since. Life was ok a little different until I was 11 and he married the woman from hell who had a 2 year old daughter spoilt brat!
Life was awful emotional abuse on a daily basis!
I left home at 18 and started nursing in a children’s hospital it was brilliant!
My lovely husband RIP and I had 3 children and after being a midwife a beautiful baby with Down Syndrome was left at the hospital well I couldn’t leave him so we adopted him! Adoption is a bug and we landed up adopting 6! I am certain my upbringing made me gather them in
sadly 2 have died but they were loved! Hope I haven’t sent you all to sleep 😴

Ah what a wonderful life all those children must have had with you.

Strangely I had a life time (almost) in childcare. It was all I ever wanted to do. I started baby sitting for neighbours when I was only about 10, pushing babies around in prams, helping at playgroups and brownies when I was a teenager. I became a NNEB nursery nurse and loved every minute until Tony Blair changed the whole childcare system.
I helped in both my children's schools and their friends were always welcome in our home.
I later became a childminder and still keep in touch with all the families
I was never happier than when surrounded by children, even though it could be challenging at times.
It's lovely to see how well all the 'children' have turned out.

It's like I always wanted to re-create the happy childhood for other children that I never had

I was never a perfect mother or grandma but I did my very best to do a better job

Now neither of my children or any of my grandchildren have any contact with that woman (their choice)
She eventually destroyed the family unit by her own actions

HousePlantQueen
Thank you for your kind words
Something I'm not used to

At 87 that woman apparently still posts on Facebook that I'm selfish and evil (her favourite word)
I've been accused (for all to read on Facebook) of stealing money after my father died, totally untrue but this probably hurt more than anything she did during my childhood

I started this thread, as I said, because it was the anniversary of my dear friend's death yesterday. I'm glad now that I did, it can be a place for other survivors to talk about their experiences and realise how well we have done to get this far

Yes I have been so lucky, my birth mother abandoned me on a railway station age 6 my dad picked me up a short time later (it seemed like hours to me) I have never seen her since. Life was ok a little different until I was 11 and he married the woman from hell who had a 2 year old daughter spoilt brat!
Life was awful emotional abuse on a daily basis!
I left home at 18 and started nursing in a children’s hospital it was brilliant!
My lovely husband RIP and I had 3 children and after being a midwife a beautiful baby with Down Syndrome was left at the hospital well I couldn’t leave him so we adopted him! Adoption is a bug and we landed up adopting 6! I am certain my upbringing made me gather them in
sadly 2 have died but they were loved! Hope I haven’t sent you all to sleep 😴

I read the bulk of this thread before I went to bed last night. I needed to sleep on it before I posted. I applaud ziggy62 for being brave and unselfish by starting this, and I admire all of you who have felt able to share the horrors of your childhood. I weep for those small children, but applaud the brave, courageous women you have become.

I did not have any abuse, physical or mental, in my childhood, but was aware of the treatment of my DD's best friend when they were at school. It was insidious, mental cruelty which I will not go into here as it would be outing, but during one particularly ugly conversation with said Mother (she had upset my DD), I made her know that I knew. I also let her DD know that our door was always open; she took us up on this a few times. DD's friend has now, thankfully, moved away from her toxic Mother, keeping her at arm's length so she is no longer able to let her down.

I never did talk to my other cousins about it. They live all over the country and further a field I have not seen them since in my 20s. The older relatives are no longer with us.

Yes another reason I abhor the woman who gave birth to me

There were 2 incidents, nothing near as serious as those mentioned here but both were "swept under the carpet" and still to this day cause mental health issues for myself and the other female involved

I'm sure the people in my old home town who think like her I'm "evil" for walking away from an elderly, supposedly sick woman may think differently if they knew even half of the true story, rather than the version of events she tells

I firmly believe if a man (or woman) abuses a child once, it will happen again. How can any mother just turn a blind eye?

Crossed post redhead. You are right about the keep quiet say nothing response to this horrible abuse. Thank goodness there is understanding and help now. I kept quiet fir 30 years.

Yes no Child Line. No anything really. When I was about 5 and my sister 8, as I have mentioned before, we went to the local police station and told the desk sergeant that our dad kept hitting our mom. He said 'Go home girls. We can't help you.'