Can we ever recover from unhappy/abusive childhood?

Sara1954

I think that it’s the sweetest revenge that I have a good marriage, nice home, lovely children and good friends.
She loves nothing more than things going wrong for people, and most of all me.
So that’s my incentive to live as well as I can.

I've just realised that the only times I ever saw my mother laugh was when something bad happened to other people.

It’s said our outlook on life is in tune with the generation but one. So our daughters will be like our mothers. Hurts pressed onto us are not repeated with our own children, however different mistakes ARE made by us.

As an example - if your mum never allowed you a party and you felt hurt, your response would be to ensure YOUR child never experienced that hurt. In turn, your child who always HAD birthday parties (no hurt feelings) doesn’t see the need to give HER children one.

That’s a very simplistic way of illustrating what I’d read but perhaps you get the drift.

Salti, same, she had her chosen few, one of my daughters, my brother and his children, but for the most part she loved nothing more than to hear of someone’s misfortune.

I do wonder if it is relevant that most us had parents who had just gone through a world war and their parents were possibly still affected by another one.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

It’s said our outlook on life is in tune with the generation but one. So our daughters will be like our mothers. Hurts pressed onto us are not repeated with our own children, however different mistakes ARE made by us.

As an example - if your mum never allowed you a party and you felt hurt, your response would be to ensure YOUR child never experienced that hurt. In turn, your child who always HAD birthday parties (no hurt feelings) doesn’t see the need to give HER children one.

That’s a very simplistic way of illustrating what I’d read but perhaps you get the drift.

Where did you read this drivel? Or is it just your personal opinion?
I would hope as parents we can improve on our care of our children generation after generation. Otherwise what hope is there for society?
In previous posts you have stated that you had lovely parents.

It wasn’t about my parents. They were wonderful.
I can’t recall where I read this drivel I think it was a psychology paper years ago, but it resonated in small ways.

So you’re suggesting ( by repeating unsupported information) that people who had abusive childhoods constantly emotionally, physically or both abused will have grandchildren that repeat that abuse?
You have used the illustration of birthday parties. I never once had a birthday party. I made sure my children had wonderful birthday parties that celebrated their births. They in turn have given their children wonderful birthdays.

I don’t think you have any understanding how upsetting your post is. Just another example of how those who did not experience parental abuse, don’t understand.

I made sure our daughter had everything I didn't have. She is a wonderful mother to her own daughter. People who have never suffered this kind of abuse/neglect can have no conception of it. How could they?

The same way that I have no conception of what a happy, secure, loving childhood was like. I can't imagine what that was like

Kate1949

The same way that I have no conception of what a happy, secure, loving childhood was like. I can't imagine what that was like

Excellent point.

My husband and his siblings adore my MIL, they were heartbroken when she was desperately ill last year.
I have no idea what it feels like to be loved by a mother or to love a mother in return. It's so alien to me.

I find it so hard when people ask if my mother is still alive, I'm sure they must wonder why she doesn't visit, why I didn't invite her to my wedding, why when I go to my home town I visit lots of family but not her.

I think I told my husband's family she was too ill to travel to our wedding.

My husband worries that when she does die I will struggle but I doubt it

J52

So you’re suggesting ( by repeating unsupported information) that people who had abusive childhoods constantly emotionally, physically or both abused will have grandchildren that repeat that abuse?
You have used the illustration of birthday parties. I never once had a birthday party. I made sure my children had wonderful birthday parties that celebrated their births. They in turn have given their children wonderful birthdays.

I don’t think you have any understanding how upsetting your post is. Just another example of how those who did not experience parental abuse, don’t understand.

It's good to tread carfully around these subjects.

My children are in no way like the shellshocked ( literally) parents of my parents. Thankfully.

I always had some decent and kind people in my life, adults from clubs I was involved with, parents of friends, teachers, in a way of course, that made me realise even more what a train wreck my relationship with my mother was.
My in-laws were also kind people, my husband had a good and happy childhood, and he also has made me understand that my mother simply wasn’t normal, having said that, he managed a relationship with her long after I had given up .

eddiecat78

I do wonder if it is relevant that most us had parents who had just gone through a world war and their parents were possibly still affected by another one.

I don’t think this is an excuse.

I had a traumatic childhood, I worked extremely hard to make sure history did not repeat itself.

I think most victims of poor parenting make good parents

My parents were from Ireland. They never experienced the war.

Actually kate people in Ireland did experience both World Wars. The country was supposedly neutral but was under pressure to support Britain and around 150,000 Irishmen joined the British army. This caused trouble in Britain because of racism against the Irish and at home because many in Ireland didn't want to support Britain because of interference in Ireland since the 17th century.
Both southern and northern Ireland were bombed especially Belfast because of the docks.
Whether they talked about it or not, Irish people have a long history of suffering of various kinds because of Britain, confiscated land, destruction of the education system, banning the Irish language, allowing landlords to turn people off their land, not helping during the Famine causing mass emigration, causing Civil War, using prisoners as police - the infamous Black and Tans, trying to stop Ireland's intention to become independent, etc, etc. As for the treatment of women and the notorious Magdalen Laundries!

A nation who have seen this sort of thing
are going to have a traumatised people as a result.
The country of Wexford still remembers the brutality of 30 000 people being slaughtered by the British Army in the
rebellion of 1798. Wexford is the size of Oxfordshire and the slaughter happened in a couple of weeks.
I often think about wars happening now, Ukraine, Palestine, Syria, Yemen, Sudan, Ethiopia, Armenia. All these places are going to have people who can't speak of what they've seen or done. Like Ireland, there will be secrets and shame and unfortunately people who have been damaged in childhood often do hurt their children and others because they can't deal with the pain they feel inside. It's a mainstream field in psychology now and acknowledging the past is the way forward although difficult to hear.

Sago

eddiecat78

I do wonder if it is relevant that most us had parents who had just gone through a world war and their parents were possibly still affected by another one.

I don’t think this is an excuse.

I had a traumatic childhood, I worked extremely hard to make sure history did not repeat itself.

I think most victims of poor parenting make good parents

Me too sago, a counsellor told me not handing on the abuse one suffered is called flipping the script and it's praiseworthy, a triumph of the human spirit.

J52

So you’re suggesting ( by repeating unsupported information) that people who had abusive childhoods constantly emotionally, physically or both abused will have grandchildren that repeat that abuse?
You have used the illustration of birthday parties. I never once had a birthday party. I made sure my children had wonderful birthday parties that celebrated their births. They in turn have given their children wonderful birthdays.

I don’t think you have any understanding how upsetting your post is. Just another example of how those who did not experience parental abuse, don’t understand.

I'm afraid there is a lot of research, the effects of trauma are well substantiated. I also think you should not accuse other people of not having suffered abuse, that's abuse in itself.
Many people might never speak their entire lives about what they suffered but it doesn't mean it didn't happen. I fact, many young people have committed suicide as a result of institutional abuse.

Yes I know all about people committing suicide as a result of abuse. My own brother did.

Notagranyet24

J52

So you’re suggesting ( by repeating unsupported information) that people who had abusive childhoods constantly emotionally, physically or both abused will have grandchildren that repeat that abuse?
You have used the illustration of birthday parties. I never once had a birthday party. I made sure my children had wonderful birthday parties that celebrated their births. They in turn have given their children wonderful birthdays.

I don’t think you have any understanding how upsetting your post is. Just another example of how those who did not experience parental abuse, don’t understand.

I'm afraid there is a lot of research, the effects of trauma are well substantiated. I also think you should not accuse other people of not having suffered abuse, that's abuse in itself.
Many people might never speak their entire lives about what they suffered but it doesn't mean it didn't happen. I fact, many young people have committed suicide as a result of institutional abuse.

I asked for the specific research to be substantiated. I have studied psychology at university and understand the importance of citing references. Also that those producing research papers do not alway agree.
I have not accused anyone of not having suffered abuse, the original comment was about abuse from mothers and fathers , not institutional abuse.
I’m making no more comments because the quoted research was very triggering, then to be attacked by you for something I have not said.

Kate1949

Yes I know all about people committing suicide as a result of abuse. My own brother did.

I'm sorry to hear that Kate

I've have experience of the upset of suicide within my extended family and a close friend many years ago, all had horrendous childhoods.

Thinking of you xx

No you neve recover you are medicated for life have no confidence Some attempt suicide many never form a loving relationship because their. head is so mixed up But archbishops can turn a blind eye

They can even have the church pay for their leaving do when they are super rich

Thank you for this thread. It is horrifying that so many of us suffered abused at the hands of those who should have been consistently loving and supportive. In my case there was also genuine love and the impact of having to deal with a Jekle and Hyde character added an extra dimension to the psychological trauma ...never knowing when you would get the seemingly well balanced dad that the outside world always saw ...or the terror of the other side of this coin. Absolutely anything ...or nothing ...could trigger a change from one to the other.
My mother could not offer any substantial support as she was living this herself ...within a marital union.

Yet we were also not just well provided for but genuinely loved. I know he had his own demons to deal with. A father he never knew who died from being gassed in WW1. Real poverty with a widowed mother with 6 children. Clever but unfulfilled, leaving school at 14 like many others with no opportunities to develop his undoubted intellectual side.

I have coped with the conflict of dealing with the mental complications of dealing with this two sided individual as best I could. No non contact for me. He became a loving grandad and my children have very happy memories of him, not tainted by any reminiscing from me.
I nursed him through his last illness but was both sad for him and relieved for myself when he was gone. I continue to look after my dear mother now in her 90s. I have never before admitted, even to myself, that I was relieved when he was gone, so thank you for this thread.
As for specific examples of abuse I suffered ...I could write a book ...but they will remain locked away. It was a time of 'don't tell' then and I can't tell now. But sharing, for the first time in my life, that it really happened, has been cathartic for me, so once again...Thank you.

52bright

Thank you

Please keep posting if it helps xxxx

Anyone who is interested, whether they suffered abuse as a child, studied psychology at some point or wants to know more in order to help themselves or their family might find the following links useful. This is a HUGE subject which has become mainstream in the last 20 or so years, hence the many enquiries, trials, books, papers etc.
www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/peoplewhowereabusedaschildrenaremorelikelytobeabusedasanadult/2017-09-27
www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2021/sep/child-abuse-and-neglect-linked-early-death-adulthood
uktraumacouncil.org/resource/childhood-trauma-what-happens-when-relationships-go-wrong?cn-reloaded=1
www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/effects-of-child-abuse/
pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC1494926/
www.iicsa.org.uk/reports-recommendations/publications/research/impacts-csa/research-findings/1-impacts-csa-victims-and-survivors.html
www.ox.ac.uk/news/2019-09-12-childhood-sexual-abuse-linked-range-physical-and-mental-health-conditions
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-athletes-way/202105/breaking-the-cycle-of-childhood-abuse

www.nelft.nhs.uk/camhs-trauma-abuse-and-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/