Why do parents put up with teenagers substandard behaviour?

visitingwhen

RosiesMaw2

What are teens learning by being allowed to leave food and dishes everywhere, drop clothes everywhere, not contribute, talk back disrespectfully, and on and on

You say you know “two sets of teenagers who…” and from that extrapolate that ALL teenagers drop clothes everywhere, talk back disrespectfully etc etc
All I can say is that your observations are not mine.
Your experience is not mine.
And therefore I cannot see why you are being so condemnatory about all young people.
Perhaps the ones you know sense how you feel about them (“assholes” ) and react accordingly.

nope. it is not me. I am a passive observer.

Oh it’s another one of those rant posts followed by “No it’s not me”. In a bit there’ll be further examples of their extreme behaviour that isn’t really all that extreme and posters will try to point out that it’s the OP who is being unreasonable and……..

The style is somewhat familiar.

Teenagers practice slobby behaviour at home in readiness for communal living in student houses at university, where advanced messiness is imperative.
They wouldn’t fit in otherwise.

Maybe that's what parenting is about, but how much of the quality of your life did you have to give up to live with your son? How much misery, suffering, and upset did you have to get used to? Nightmares aren't fun, and some nightmarish sons do not turn out okay and can ruin their parents' lives permanently. Your story seems to have turned out acceptably for you, and I am thrilled about that

Yes it was hard; a worry; impacted hugely on our lives etc etc. But what alternative was there; he was our son and we loved him. One does not have children just to give one fun ...and desert them as soon as it's not fun when they are struggling at a difficult and confusing time. 🤔🙄

Beeches

Extraordinary that a grown man is on here sounding like he has no control over his own emotions and also hates kids - if these are his step kids I genuinely worry about their well being with him around

What is your worry? I do hate teens—so what? I most certainly do not have "control over my emotions" or my thoughts. However, I do have agency and control over what I say, what I do, and how I act. I am always considerate and appropriate when I am around children—teens or otherwise—and I treat them the way I would like to be treated. That said, I think their subpar behaviors are obnoxious, and I am wondering why they are tolerated to the extent that they are. So what? You have a problem with that?

Thank you for all the responses, of every color and point of view; much appreciated.

My three kids were horrible teenagers but fantastic adults and even better parents to their kids.

Extraordinary that a grown man is on here sounding like he has no control over his own emotions and also hates kids - if these are his step kids I genuinely worry about their well being with him around

OP why don't you go over to MN and ask your question there.
They are the current parents so you need to ask them really.
Also they are less likely to be fazed by your continued use of what is a highly offensive word here.

I think if my mother had married a man who thought that discipline meant saying "cut that effing sh*t out NOW" and referred to me as an asshole I'd be playing up too.
In fact I'd make life so difficult for him that he would disappear over the blue horizon, never to be seen again.

Of course, my mother would never have entertained that type of man anyway.

Are you enjoying trying to wind posters up again, OP?

Having recently gone through menopause I feel rather sorry for teenagers at the beginning of the hormonal journey. It isn't easy coupled with the stresses and strains on life and friendships and things we lost the ability to empathise with as easily because sometimes the drama is endless. It does rather matter to them though. Engage more, show an interest, communicate more, set boundaries and learn patience for having to enforce them endlessly.

It may be an acceptable term in your lexicon bit it certainly isn't in mine.
And I survived bringing up 3 daughters through the teenage years - all mothers themselves now..
Mind you, if I am still around when they all reach teenagerhood, I might permit myself a wry smile.

A very wise friend once told me that God makes teenagers the way they are so that we can bear to part with them when they leave the nest.
Of the years we spent with a houseful of teenagers, I remember the humour and the fun. There must have been plenty of exasperation but I really can't recall. They have all become wonderful parents to their own teenagers, doing a much better job than I ever did.

When I think back to my bedroom at age 16 I shudder. Not dirty but messy. Stuff everywhere. No one was allowed in.
Now I’m neat and tidy. I must have grown up.
I must have driven my parents mad. Still they got over it, mum is even trusting me enough to move into our annex!

Your step-daughters damaged a work of art in a museum? 😯

Why?
What happened to them then? Were they arrested?

This becomes curiouser and curiouser

#Alice

RosiesMaw2

^What are teens learning by being allowed to leave food and dishes everywhere, drop clothes everywhere, not contribute, talk back disrespectfully, and on and on^

You say you know “two sets of teenagers who…” and from that extrapolate that ALL teenagers drop clothes everywhere, talk back disrespectfully etc etc
All I can say is that your observations are not mine.
Your experience is not mine.
And therefore I cannot see why you are being so condemnatory about all young people.
Perhaps the ones you know sense how you feel about them (“assholes” ) and react accordingly.

People seem to have an issue with the term "*sshole." It’s not a big deal. It’s a perfectly suitable label for how humans behave sometimes—how I behave, and how almost everyone I know behaves at their worst. Sure, it’s not polite, but teens vandalizing artwork in a museum can surely be called "*ssholes.

RosiesMaw2

^What are teens learning by being allowed to leave food and dishes everywhere, drop clothes everywhere, not contribute, talk back disrespectfully, and on and on^

You say you know “two sets of teenagers who…” and from that extrapolate that ALL teenagers drop clothes everywhere, talk back disrespectfully etc etc
All I can say is that your observations are not mine.
Your experience is not mine.
And therefore I cannot see why you are being so condemnatory about all young people.
Perhaps the ones you know sense how you feel about them (“assholes” ) and react accordingly.

nope. it is not me. I am a passive observer.

What are teens learning by being allowed to leave food and dishes everywhere, drop clothes everywhere, not contribute, talk back disrespectfully, and on and on

You say you know “two sets of teenagers who…” and from that extrapolate that ALL teenagers drop clothes everywhere, talk back disrespectfully etc etc
All I can say is that your observations are not mine.
Your experience is not mine.
And therefore I cannot see why you are being so condemnatory about all young people.
Perhaps the ones you know sense how you feel about them (“assholes” ) and react accordingly.

Madgran77

My son was a nightmare teenager and I am proud that we got through it all in one piece! To be honest it was like an endless obstacle course, trying to balance things and keep some level of communication going. We made mistakes. He made mistakes. We never gave up on him despite the havoc and pain and unhappiness; underneath all of it he knew he was loved and we knew "the real him" was in there somewhere...there were occasional glimpses! He has since apologised for his behaviour in and out the home and we have apologised for our misjudgemebts and mistakes.

What can look and feel like "people tolerating poor behaviour" can actually be "people doing their best to get through a nightmare whilst aiming to ensure that all come out the other side in one piece!"

Maybe that's what parenting is about, but how much of the quality of your life did you have to give up to live with your son? How much misery, suffering, and upset did you have to get used to? Nightmares aren't fun, and some nightmarish sons do not turn out okay and can ruin their parents' lives permanently. Your story seems to have turned out acceptably for you, and I am thrilled about that.

It seems to me, visitingwhen, that you've been unfortunate in your experience of teenagers. You've only seen the bad side and none of the good things. Moreover, not all teenagers are the same.

Also, parents often have to decide which battles to fight and concentrate on what seems most important. For example, would they prefer to guide their teen away from drugs or have them pick up their clothes.

visitingwhen

Why would behavior that would not be acceptable outside the home, not even for a second, be acceptable in the home?

What are teens learning by being allowed to leave food and dishes everywhere, drop clothes everywhere, not contribute, talk back disrespectfully, and on and on?

I don't get it—how are children benefiting from being allowed to be little assholes up until their 18th birthday?

They are not necessarily "being allowed"! Did you read or just ignore what I said?

Why would behavior that would not be acceptable outside the home, not even for a second, be acceptable in the home?

What are teens learning by being allowed to leave food and dishes everywhere, drop clothes everywhere, not contribute, talk back disrespectfully, and on and on?

I don't get it—how are children benefiting from being allowed to be little assholes up until their 18th birthday?

Beeches

Visiting when, plenty of fully grown adults behaving despicably, eg those grown men and women, some of them pensioners, setting an asylum centre on fire and now rightfully locked up in prison. Other adults who are incapable of stringing a sentence together calmly without expletives so maybe consider where the apple has fallen from

so maybe consider where the apple has fallen from

His wife.

Visiting when, plenty of fully grown adults behaving despicably, eg those grown men and women, some of them pensioners, setting an asylum centre on fire and now rightfully locked up in prison. Other adults who are incapable of stringing a sentence together calmly without expletives so maybe consider where the apple has fallen from

keepingquiet

Teenagers were put here to try the patience of adults and challenge the way adults see the world.

What's the issue here?

They're just doing their job!

😂😂😂

Teenagers were put here to try the patience of adults and challenge the way adults see the world.

What's the issue here?

They're just doing their job!