Removing bf from potential abuse

Why does it sound as if the op hunted this man?
Reconnecting just means coming into contact, not stalking.

I find it interesting that the OP says her ‘boyfriend’ has tried to leave the other relationship ‘on a couple of occasions’ in the last six months. Only twice in six months? That speaks for itself I think.

From what you have said it was you who hunted for him six months ago after not being in touch for twenty five years.
Why was that? Were you just friends before or were you in a relationship?

Let's look at this a different way.
Your fifty year-old 'boyfriend' has been in a relationship for ten years when you found him, which to me suggests you searched for him and initiated contact. His present girlfriend has a 14 year old son who for the past ten years of his life has regarded this man as a father figure and they have a good relationship. His mother is understandably upset at the prospect of losing her partner of ten years, not least for the damage this will cause to her son. Is this really emotional abuse?
You seem to relish the prospect of confrontation:
My hunch is that if she knew about me then the abuse would stop. I believe she would not try the same tactics with me in the frame as essentially she knows she would not be able to manipulate me. Or she may try, but she would not get very far.
What thought have you given, if any, to the effect the break-up of the relationship will have on the 14 year old boy.
You state that this man is the type of person who wants to help everyone and tends to gets taken advantage of. Has it occurred to you that he is helping you, because of his good nature ?
From the original post and your subsequent replies it would seem you are determined not to let him go, and you may well win through.
Is this two-timer really worth it?

Yes indeed- not just Grans! It is important to remember we had our own children first.

keepingquiet

For that reason I may sign up to Mumsnet to impart my wisdom too... I was one once.

Once a Mum always a Mum 🤗

I know it would be hard but I'd walk away . I wouldn't be anyone's secret ! I'd feel degraded if a man asked that of me .

I agree about getting a sexual health check done.

What he tells you about his relationship and the reality could be totally different.
Personally I would tell him to take a hike, it's not that you are married to him is it.
Find someone who is a decent reliable honest person who cares about you this man clearly doesn't and I find it hard to believe you can't see that.

If you only ever want to be a bit on the side or his dirty secret, then just carry on as you are.

He is being unfaithful, with you, to someone with whom he is in a relationship.

Very blunt I know, but walk away, tell him you won’t accept being second best.

If he really cares for you then he will leave her and face the consequences and then, if he wants to, he will come and find you.

You are worth more than this.

My person was,separated and they lived apart when,we,met.
So,I suppose,that puts,a,different light on things.

Sorry for all the,commas.
Just realised my phone,inserts a,comma,when i hesitate before writing.

Only had the,phone 15 years.

He’s been with his partner 10 years are you really happy with breaking them up although personally I doubt very much that he ll leave her

Where is your self respect and line in the sand? Rather unfortunate to be "the other woman". End things until he does. That is what you should do.

Slaytheday

Thanks everyone. I know it’s a technicality but he not having an affair as they are not married.

Anyway, if it walks like a duck then it is a duck. So I guess it’s an affair.

Misadventure thanks for response. It’s interesting to hear . Did you have to leave or just give him a firm date?

We have actually agreed to a ‘plan’ or a timeline for him leaving but I see he’s struggling with it a bit.

The responses here are a bit of a mixed bag and reflect all my conflicting thoughts.

No, I didn't have to end it
I think whilst he was single, he just put up with her shenanigans, but because he really liked me, he knew he had to face the music and tell her there would be no more buying her shopping, getting up in the night to go round to her because she was drunk/threatening to kill herself/ both.

He did still bail her out on occasions, as his daughter was a young child, but that was no more than any decent man would do.

He got custody of not only his daughter, but the next child she had with someone else, in the end.

Again, any decent person would look out for children caught up in abusive situations.

She and I would be able to chat, in the end, and she was quite likeable at times.

For that reason I may sign up to Mumsnet to impart my wisdom too... I was one once.

keepingquiet

Walk away. Are you on the right forum here? This is Gransnet.

She probably is as many of us in our age group have seen these type of relationships before and they don't usually end well. The ' other woman' either realises her bf will never leave his partner and moves on or she spends many years of lonely times when he is with his family. I have seen this happen to colleagues and friends.

Walk away. Are you on the right forum here? This is Gransnet.

Our are being made a fool of - simple as that really.
What happens next is up to you.

For what it’s worth I don’t think he will do anything until the boy is 18, then maybe he will ask him to move in with him.

Meanwhile the situation will remain unchanged, with you wanting him to do something and him not doing it, because he is worried about the son.

Of course if the son moves in with your BF they will both be worried about the child’s mother.

And so it goes on.

As someone else says you might be his ‘girl friend’ but unless he is willing to risk losing the boy, you will be the one sitting at home on your own, possibly for years.

It sounds to me that you are in fact the ‘other woman’.

As I suspected, you have no intention of taking the advice of many on your thread. You either love the drama, have a saviour complex or are so desperate for a relationship that you will put up with some other woman's leftovers. Which is it? And don't try the "I'm in love" or "relationships aren't simple" schtick. I'm sorry if you think I'm harsh, but life is too short to waste on someone like him. I've tried to 'fix' someone more than once, and it never ends well.

Your last sentence asks what you might do. I think you should do whatever you think you feel is right for you. I know what I’d think I’d like to do if I was in your situation but that isn’t really relevant. It sounds like you’re in love with him therefore I think you would find it hard to follow any advice to leave the situation. One thing I do think that’s important for any woman who is in a new relationship is to keep cultivating your friendships/ interests/independence outside the relationship.

Lathyrus3

I’m really sorry Slaytheday that you can’t bring yourself to see what is so obvious to all of us here.

“Knowing that you lied, straight-faced while I cried
Yet I looked to find a reason to believe “

Move on Slaytheday, you are worth more than his ‘bit on the side’.

My new bf wasn't having sex with the ex.
Things,are rarely clear cut, black and white.

He was afraid she,would,stop him seeing his child, worried that money he gave her would be spent on drink, that she would go out and leave his child with any person willing, and that the child would be taken from her.
Hardly an aphrodisiac.

Walk away. I'd think he's a two timer.

He’s been in a relationship for 10 years and still is, and you call him ‘your boyfriend’, sorry my dear but you’re just the extra bit on the side He’s not your boyfriend and what you should do is walk away and get on with your life and find someone who is free to be your lover