Removing bf from potential abuse

Soave - space!!!

You do nothing. Drop the rope and let him deal with it or not. He's an adult with agency and can make his own choices. Distance yourself from this. If you can't or won't, then you are part of the drama.

Whether or not he is having sex with this woman is not ‘a side debate’. How can you possibly know he isn’t? And if they weren’t living together when you met, why does he ‘stay over’? If there is no sex what does their relationship consist of?

He is her dog’s body. He cares about her because he’s been with her for a long time and thinks she cannot cope without him and he’s worried about her son. He really isn’t having sex with her. Can we please take it at face value that this is the case as opening a debate about it is not what I started the thread about? The reason why he stays over is because if he goes to her house when she’s having an episode and tries to leave then she starts a war about it.

He needs to tell her about you, and face the onslaught, I think.
May as well get it out in the open once and for all.

Up to you as to whether you want to remain a secret or not. He’s a grown man and needs to decide if he wants to stay with her or be with you. You may need to give him an ultimatum, otherwise it doesn’t look like he’ll be leaving her any time soon.

You only have his word about her behaviour and as he is having an affair with you he obviously is not trust worthy.

Here we go!

I've been in virtually the same situation once before, except the child was my new boyfriend's with his ex.

He would take her shopping, they spent sundays going out as a family, and all sorts of strange things that she she had convinced him he owed her.

After a couple of months I told him I was unsure what the set up really was, but I wouldn't be around to be part of it - so he told her, and there was hell to pay for a while, whilst she tried any and everything she could to manipulate him back into this strange arrangement.

You are having an affair with someone who is in a relationship with someone else.. This cannot work out in your favour unless he finishes this relationship with his partner.. he is clearly still emotionally involved with her.. why don't you step back and let him make a clear choice..

Agreed 100%what pascal30 said x

I accept he’s not having sex with her. He doesn’t need to. I guess he’s having sex with you.

It’s a story as old as the hills. Home, family, sex on the side.

pascal30 👍

So he is keeping you a secret, OP?
He's two-timing you both.
Is the son his child?

What might I do?
Say goodbye and find someone without such a complicated love life.

Thanks everyone. I know it’s a technicality but he not having an affair as they are not married.

Anyway, if it walks like a duck then it is a duck. So I guess it’s an affair.

Misadventure thanks for response. It’s interesting to hear . Did you have to leave or just give him a firm date?

We have actually agreed to a ‘plan’ or a timeline for him leaving but I see he’s struggling with it a bit.

The responses here are a bit of a mixed bag and reflect all my conflicting thoughts.

It is not his child no.

Well, if tpyou finish things that would focus his mind on what he really wants.

He could still see the boy on his own, he's 14. They could go out together, if they like sports he could take him off to matches etc.

Slaytheday

It is not his child no.

X post.

I also think it’s a bit much to say walk away. It’s not that easy for me to walk away either. It is the obvious and easy solution but that’s not how relationships work.

It is extremely hard to get to 50 and not have baggage. I don’t want to give up on him yet.

I know he is two timing me, and I know he is not what anyone could be considered an ideal bet. But as misadventure shows things can work out.

Also, I know plenty of people our age in long term sexless relationships. Loads. So it’s not a done deal at all that he is spinning flashoods to have sex with two women at once.

Then I guess you’ll just have to accept the role of the secret “other woman”.

Have you got any thoughts about how long you’re happy to do that? 1 more year.? Till the boy leaves home? Till his other girlfriend decides she’s done?

I think I would tell him you want to cool things for a while until he sorts the situation out.

I know it might be painful to do this but it might spur him into some kind of action (or it might not.)

The current situation is a bit of a mess.

Tempting though it might be to intervene, this problem belongs to him and his gf. It's not your problem, nor your business. He isn't your bf. He's merely a man who's stringing at least two women along. Stay clean away from both of them and afford them the privacy to solve their own problem. Maybe if he becomes genuinely single in the future, you might want to try again with him. For myself, I wouldn't - what's the point of being a willing victim in a destructive triangle?

when l found him he had a girlfriend of ten years

How many other affairs has he had in those ten years? He doesn't live with her - sounds like she has good reason not to allow that. Are you his only current 'bit on the side?
Been in a similar situation, he thrived on the excitement and sex, wasn't a keeper and thank goodness l worked it out and walked away. Good luck, he sounds like an a*

I'd say him not actually being married is more than just a 'technicality'. You're his bit on the side, whether you like to face up to that or not. Up to you whether you can live with that in the longer term, I guess.

Whatever you call this “relationship” you are being manipulated . Is that what you are willing to put up with? Do you not deserve better?I would be running, I divorced a manipulative later abusive partner. Never again!