Removing bf from potential abuse

Yes indeed- not just Grans! It is important to remember we had our own children first.

Let's look at this a different way.
Your fifty year-old 'boyfriend' has been in a relationship for ten years when you found him, which to me suggests you searched for him and initiated contact. His present girlfriend has a 14 year old son who for the past ten years of his life has regarded this man as a father figure and they have a good relationship. His mother is understandably upset at the prospect of losing her partner of ten years, not least for the damage this will cause to her son. Is this really emotional abuse?
You seem to relish the prospect of confrontation:
My hunch is that if she knew about me then the abuse would stop. I believe she would not try the same tactics with me in the frame as essentially she knows she would not be able to manipulate me. Or she may try, but she would not get very far.
What thought have you given, if any, to the effect the break-up of the relationship will have on the 14 year old boy.
You state that this man is the type of person who wants to help everyone and tends to gets taken advantage of. Has it occurred to you that he is helping you, because of his good nature ?
From the original post and your subsequent replies it would seem you are determined not to let him go, and you may well win through.
Is this two-timer really worth it?

From what you have said it was you who hunted for him six months ago after not being in touch for twenty five years.
Why was that? Were you just friends before or were you in a relationship?

I find it interesting that the OP says her ‘boyfriend’ has tried to leave the other relationship ‘on a couple of occasions’ in the last six months. Only twice in six months? That speaks for itself I think.

Why does it sound as if the op hunted this man?
Reconnecting just means coming into contact, not stalking.

I think she is an emotional abuser using every manipulative tactic in the book. We have kept our relationship secret as it is early days and he is in fear of the fallout of her finding out

She may know about you or at least knows there is another woman intent on stealing the man who has been her partner for ten years and acted as a father to her son from the age of four.

Do you not feel the slightest hint of shame or guilt? Is he just playing you both or is he weak and frightened to extricate himself from the web he's found himself in?
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive".

These kinds of clandestine relationships tend to end in tears and it would be best to walk away and find a man who is free to have a proper relationship with you..

Agree with the above.

MissAdventure

Why does it sound as if the op hunted this man?
Reconnecting just means coming into contact, not stalking.

I think it’s because the OP said she found him, which suggests she had been looking for him.

Ah, thank you.

I certainly wasn’t implying that the OP was a stalker! I was just curious about what spurred her on to make contact with him.

Slaytheday you obviously have developed strong feelings for this man, so I don’t think you want to cool the relationship, do you?
In that case why not spend the time getting to know him again while he decides what to do about his situation.

It’s his decision to make so while he’s doing that you can also assess the situation from your perspective.
You haven’t seen him for a long time. People change, and as you get to know him more, you may see a side to him you are not happy with.

'When I found him'suggests a search for something lost.
A more normal comment would be 'when we met again'.
She is participating in an illicit relationship despite the fact he is still living, apparently ,with his partner and her son.

She has contact with his parents who have both expressed views that the relationship is abusive. Unless loverboy has told her this.

Oh, rightio.
Yes, perhaps the op did seek him out.

I should learn to read and digest what's said.
I do read; it's the digesting.

JenniferEccles

I certainly wasn’t implying that the OP was a stalker! I was just curious about what spurred her on to make contact with him.

Slaytheday you obviously have developed strong feelings for this man, so I don’t think you want to cool the relationship, do you?
In that case why not spend the time getting to know him again while he decides what to do about his situation.

It’s his decision to make so while he’s doing that you can also assess the situation from your perspective.
You haven’t seen him for a long time. People change, and as you get to know him more, you may see a side to him you are not happy with.

Jennifer Eccles she’s been seeing him over 6 months according to her opening post so more than enough time to ‘get to know him’ as you put it I would think she ‘knows’ him quite well by now 🤣🤣

She went into this relationship knowing he had a ten year partner which he doesn’t seem to want to leave also that he has brought a young son up with his partner making things much more difficult and complicated for leaving

She is his ‘bit on the side’ but wants to ‘save’ him from the ‘abusive’ girlfriend She’s either oblivious to the damage she could be causing or has no conscience

MissAdventure

Oh, rightio.
Yes, perhaps the op did seek him out.

I should learn to read and digest what's said.
I do read; it's the digesting.

Sometimes a post can give you indigestion or hiccups.

If you don’t digest you get hiccups MissA

Very true.

I would walk away and leave them to sort it out. If he really loves you maybe it is what he needs to make the decision to leave her.
You cannot go on like this in limbo land.

Oh I agree BlueBelle
I too think she should walk away but I was just giving an alternative scenario for her.
Yes six months is a fair while but this man is in a relationship with two women so how much time has the OP actually spent with him?
Also isn’t he likely to be on his best behaviour with her, if she is correct in that he needs ‘rescuing’ from the allegedly abusive girlfriend?

The OP is putting a lot of trust in what the chap is telling her. Failing to end the relationship now, which is the wisest option, a few more months while he’s dithering could save her from a big mistake.

But if someone was in a relationship for ten years would you go ahead and start a relationship with them while they are still involved??JenniferEccles
.

No I certainly wouldn’t!

I don't think starting a relationship with someone you know has a GF is a good thing to do - for you or her. You only have his story to go on as to how things were between them. He may have been more motivated to get you into bed than to be truthful.

The fact he cheated on her with you shows he is not trustworthy. He could have left her first if he wanted to.

I'd walk away and look for someone more honest. And I'd get an STI test.

(I'm not saying he should have left her. Just that he chose to sleep with you without breaking off with her.)

Have you considered what is best for the 14 year old?

Being the sort man who “wants to help everyone” and “tends to get taken advantage of” is a good line to spin if you want to fool someone into believing that you can’t possibly be just a cheat, wanting to keep two women onside at the same time. I wonder what he tells his partner about how he’s spending his time when he’s with you? Could he be using his relationship with the partner’s son as an excuse not to leave her? Do you ever wonder if his accounts of her behaviour are true?

In the first six months of this relationship anything you know about the situation between your bf and his partner has been filtered through him. You don’t know enough to be certain. Maybe bow out, let them sort things out between them, and see what happens.

Like other GNs here I'd advise severe caution. I know that you dont want to hear this, but I'd bet that he's still having regular sex with his (so called) "ex", as well as with you. My advice is to end it - you deserve someone who will love you with no "complications" or strings.

Davida The OP says the allegedly abusive person is his girlfriend, not his ex.