Hurtful things about me that I never knew!

I would be equally hurt and devastated to find something like this from either of my DDs, for whom I have done untold good things since they became adults. However, I think the best advice is to say nothing about having seen the note and try to ignore it and carry on for a while longer before winding down your involvement in her business, such that she will not suspect that you have found it. Much depends on whether you think you could do that after reading the note, without bursting into tears - as I might do. In which case I might just say that I am not feeling well so am going home early, and follow up a few days later to tell her you don't think you are able to carry on in the job.

If you say you have seen the note it could cause more upset and argument with possible permanent consequences. As others have said, she might have just been at a particular "low" on the day she wrote it and said more than she really felt. After all, if she really thought you were so incompetent and the rest she would probably have said those things to your face, so I suspect she did not really mean them.

Be the bigger person and even though hurt don't burn your bridges for the future.

Maybe later you might even refer to some of the things she said such as "I never really felt that I was good at the job I did for you" or "I always struggled with such-and-such", and try to forget all about it.

I'm sure you won't find that easy to do - and neither would I - but you would gain nothing by taking any other approach.

BazingaGranny

I completely understand how hurt you are but as Pilgrim Quill has suggested, was the page you found part of an online questionnaire and is there another page, or several, that you didn’t find, on your positive points? That might well change how you feel.

I think that some people are encouraged to write things down to get ‘them off their chest’ and then to not think about the negative comments again, to have ‘thrown them away in the writing’. But obviously potentially horrifying if the subject of the comments finds just one very negative page.

If anyone wrote a page of my negative attributes and then a page of my positives, I would still find it upsetting but not devastating.

I do hope that you and your daughter can talk about the page of writing but I fully appreciate that it might be very difficult.

🌷🌷🌷

Certainly there is very much a thing of "write it down - what you think/what you feel" etc etc and I've done it myself before now (as have many of us probably)

.....but one is then urged to destroy it (eg burn it) and that's what we do and then no-one else can see it.

Regarding writing down how we really think and feel we're urged to make a journal - and obviously keep it tucked away safely in your home. That's something that makes a lot of sense when, for example, the way you think and act is perfectly normal/not a thing wrong with it - but then you move to a different part of the country and don't know who will take it as normal and who will decide to upset themselves and have a go at you for "doing nothing wrong at all".

So - yep.....she had both those options available to her:
a. The write it all out and then burn it option.
b. The journal kept at home option

and what she did doesn't come under either of those headings.

It's a well used technique, and recommended to write down things you think of someone, get it out of your system, then do not send it.

Perhaps this is what has happened.

I could have done it a various times when I felt like bashing my mum, but it was how I felt at the the time, not a reflection of how much I loved and appreciated her over the years.

I completely understand how hurt you are but as Pilgrim Quill has suggested, was the page you found part of an online questionnaire and is there another page, or several, that you didn’t find, on your positive points? That might well change how you feel.

I think that some people are encouraged to write things down to get ‘them off their chest’ and then to not think about the negative comments again, to have ‘thrown them away in the writing’. But obviously potentially horrifying if the subject of the comments finds just one very negative page.

If anyone wrote a page of my negative attributes and then a page of my positives, I would still find it upsetting but not devastating.

I do hope that you and your daughter can talk about the page of writing but I fully appreciate that it might be very difficult.

🌷🌷🌷

I think that your daughter intended you to see that list because she can't bear to tell you face to face .
Your options :
Grin and bear it.
Bow out diplomatically as it's too much for you.
Have a confrontation.
You could always leave a note for her to find .
It's certainly very painful when a loved one has a poor opinion of you.
I hope that the matter resolves itself.
Good luck.

I don’t think I could just carry on without any reference to the notes which surely were placed to be found. I think I would resign as why would you want to carry on in the company knowing that you were holding your daughter back ?
I would definitely not work at hr house doing tasks to make her life considerably easier when she has been so unkind about you. It seems that you have been really helpful and supportive , aiding your daughter to run the business whilst being hurtful.
I really don’t know how I would cope if I found out that my daughter had such feelings about me. I’m so sorry.

I agree with everyone about how hurtful this must be for you. But I think it would be very difficult for you to work a month’s notice. I’m sure I would explode under such extended pressure, perhaps you could ‘ go sick ‘ immediately. I’m sure you need a rest, your daughter will realise just how much you do and as your ‘ illness ‘ continues your daughter would have to find a replacement. This would give you the opportunity to say how you have re-evaluated your life and realise that it is time for you to make the most of your retirement. I am 70+ myself and would not have the energy to do half of what you do ! Your daughter probably forgets just how old you are and that perhaps you may need some help yourself in the not too distant future. I think you were meant to see her letter, but I would try to keep quiet on that issue. It would probably lead to a hugely upsetting argument. It also does sound as if other family members also take you for granted. So I would work on being ‘ older ‘ but don’t isolate yourself from your family. Keep connected, take interest, even give advice if it’s asked for. But don’t be available to take on ( free ? ) work.

She sounds more than a bit unhappy and dissatisfied with her life and she's blaming it on you. I would wait until I was more in control then turn it around.

Quietly ask her if she has thought about getting someone else to do your job - you were happy to help out when she needed it even though you didn't like the job but are looking forward to having some time to do something you enjoy. Tell her that to be honest it is making you feel a bit miserable spending your life doing something you hate, but you were happy to do it to help her. It might cause bigger problems if she can't afford to pay a bigger wage to someone she has to hire but it's her business after all.

Then become busy, and not available to do some of her little jobs and most definitely don't comment on her life. Sadly, unless she gets to grips with her life you will continue to get blamed for everything that happens.

That must be so hurtful for you
I would just say to her positively:
As you seem to be progressing with your business I will now leave and good luck

Best wishes. It's hurtful yes
I'd feel like saying in conversation we all get older.you will too if you're lucky. 😊. She's not a mum if this happens she will see the other side at some point. J til then hang on to your dignity head up high, move on with that lovely grandchild. Xx

PilgrimQuill

There's more to this than meets the eye. Two things spring to mind - firstly, she is single and 35, could there be a relationship issue or a health worry which is driving the anger? Secondly, such targeted yet diverse comments sound like the responses to an online questionnaire which she filled in for some reason unconnected with her mother. For a daughter to employ her mother in the first place there has to be a good relationship at the bottom of everything.
I think I would tell her I had seen it and been terribly hurt by it and see what the underlying explanation was before doing anything else.
Then offer to leave the job if that seems like a good idea and follow the advice already given to take up other pursuits and enjoy life elsewhere.

I'm with PQ on this. You need to be honest with your daughter. I would wait till the hurt and anger have settled a bit, and, in a calm and non-confrontational way, ask her about the note. I think I would let her know - without using the self-pity card of "how could you do this to me" or "you know I'm having a difficult time at the moment because..." or similar - that you were quite upset about finding this note, and perhaps that the pair of you need to sort out why she feels that way.
You have nothing to lose by resigning from your job assuming you have some sort of pension, and at 70+ you should be able to do more of what makes you happy - even if that means re-evaluating the rest of your life and relationships. Be assertive (not aggressive) and stand up for yourself, because it sounds as if no-one else will!

Having said that, I am a Grumpy Old Woman, "matriarch" of my family, the most pig-headed and obstinate (but rivalled by my 3 offspring), and someone who likes to have the air cleared in a non-confrontational and rational way so that I know exactly where I stand in relationships! So my thoughts on this matter may not be the most constructive....

Gosh! How painful for you.
What an awful thing for your daughter to do.
I have no words just think this is despicable.

I personally would hand in your notice formally in writing , to her face . For all the jobs you do to fit her . I would say to her face. I’ve decided to retire fully now .
Do not give reasons . But as you leave hand her a copy of the notes she wrote and say Oo I found this then leave immediately.
Keep a copy of the notes, so you can always re read them in cases of feeling you should help again.

You deserve better and can use your time for your own self care.
If it troubles you check in for a couple of counselling sessions.
You sound v kind this might play on your mind

how would you describe your daughter ?
maybe write down a similar list and give it to her

I agree totally with easybee. This could escalate unless you smile and withdraw. Good luck.

Missiseff

RosieandherMaw

What has happened to family relationships where well meaning parents need to keep it zipped and keep even kindly meant opinions .... to ourselves
Those were my remarks and I stand by them. I also practise them and have never experienced the estrangement issues which many other GNs seem to bewail.
“Mum” is not always right and there are many times when keeping our opinions to ourselves is the tactful and respectful way forwards.
Anybody who thinks otherwise need hardly be surprised by family fall outs and estrangement - which I had never even HEARD of before Gransnet.
.

Well aren't you lucky

Well aren't you lucky

Sensible, I would think.

RosieandherMaw

Keep your cool, but as Barley says clearly you are the wrong person in the wrong place. If she had written this about any other employee and left it where it could be read, I would think she could have been liable for an action for constructive dismissal, so she is getting off lightly. Perhaps familiarity breeds contempt but I find her comments contemptible in themselves.
Nicely but firmly give notice, and FGS STOP doing her housework or other jobs round the house for her! Take a holiday, go way for a few days, be UNAVAILABLE.
Perhaps you have overstepped a line as Mum - we need to keep it zipped - and however kindly meant our opinions are best kept to ourselves or some neutral “listening post”.

I agree.

My thought, too, was that this could be constructive dismissal but I would just leave without notice, unless you need the money.

Perhaps you aren't up to the job, fair enough, but she needs to find someone who is and pay them the appropriate salary. She is obviously frustrated and felt she couldn't say anything and perhaps you weren't meant to read this. They do say if you feel angry about someone, write down how you feel then destroy it.

As for criticising her holiday choices, I know that comes from worry but the best thing is to 🤐.
I know, my single DD goes off on adventures and I worry myself even though she's an adult. I just ask normal questions and try to sound interested and positive even though I'm thinking Eeeek!

Don't do any more housework either. Be kind but don't be a doormat.

Tell her you're too old and too tired to be working and you're going on holiday.

Take yourself away and spend their inheritance! 🏖

There's more to this than meets the eye. Two things spring to mind - firstly, she is single and 35, could there be a relationship issue or a health worry which is driving the anger? Secondly, such targeted yet diverse comments sound like the responses to an online questionnaire which she filled in for some reason unconnected with her mother. For a daughter to employ her mother in the first place there has to be a good relationship at the bottom of everything.
I think I would tell her I had seen it and been terribly hurt by it and see what the underlying explanation was before doing anything else.
Then offer to leave the job if that seems like a good idea and follow the advice already given to take up other pursuits and enjoy life elsewhere.

She sounds like a very ungrateful so & so!

That’s exactly what I thought ! Sorry to say - she sounds awful ! How sad ! You now need to be kind to yourself and put yourself first for a change.

The other half and I do childcare on Mondays and since the DD has been off work and at home with the new baby as well as the toddler we look after it's been tricky.

It's clear she thinks we are bumbling incompetents and she has been very sharp and rude to us when under pressure.

I am, as my old mum used to say, taking plenty of no notice. She always apologises for snapping.

In your case I think others' advice to withdraw tactfully so she can see what she's missing is sound. But maybe ask for her expert recommendations for a good lawyer as you are thinking of changing your will...

That should do it.

I have no advice as to how you stop feeling hurt over written words. I know how you feel. You can't unsee them. As others have said, I think you should resign and make yourself less available x

RosieandherMaw

^What has happened to family relationships where well meaning parents need to keep it zipped and keep even kindly meant opinions .... to ourselves^
Those were my remarks and I stand by them. I also practise them and have never experienced the estrangement issues which many other GNs seem to bewail.
“Mum” is not always right and there are many times when keeping our opinions to ourselves is the tactful and respectful way forwards.
Anybody who thinks otherwise need hardly be surprised by family fall outs and estrangement - which I had never even HEARD of before Gransnet.
.

Well aren't you lucky

Daughters can be very cruel. I always thought we got on so well but I was shocked recently at her reaction to something I had innocently done.I used some food she had made for the kids as I thought they were not coming back to my house.
When I realised they were coming back I bought the same ingredients and was preparing to cook. She went ballistic and accused me of unbelievable things and all the flaws in my personality.
It was such a storm in a teacup and she did get over it but I won't forget what she really thinks.

Leave the job, don't do anything for her from now on nd tick to your decision. There is no need to give a reason, use the broken record plan as I was advisd on an Assertiveness course. It takes guts but it works.

Why on earth did she write that down... and, worse, not destroy it? I would tell her that I am feeling I am not giving her the best I can because I am tired, and desperately need free time and a rest, and so it's time for her to find someone else to do her, and point out that you did it originally as a stopgap measure and now it has turned into a fulltime job plus plus and you want out. Tel her you have decided it's not nice to be at her beck and call, and to have to wait for her packages and stuff, and be treated like a servant, or worse, if she continues haranguing you about not standing by her.