Hurtful things about me that I never knew!

I always think words said are like bananas, easily got out but impossible to get back! I’d err on saying very little at the moment.

Just seen your reply RosieandMaw and I do not have an opinion that must be aired on everything - I agree that there are times to keep quiet - definitely.

My DD has booked a trip to somewhere god knows I have never heard of - and she is a solo traveller. She 'books ' me to look after her 2 cats but am I not allowed to say that I am concerned for her safety at all ?? without being accused of dimming her light !

In my world I am behaving like a normal Mum - helping where can and if I am worried about her I say so - if its warranted. I think I might find that hard - to keep my worries to myself - but obvs I have to give it a go!

Thank you all for your help it si very very much appreciated - even if we have not all agreed on the best plan forward.
It does help and I am very grateful that you have all taken time out of your day to help me.

Taking a step back and being less available is a good start Nannimo and I hope that things will improve going forward .

You appear to think RosieandherMaw, that a mother who doesn't always keep it zipped and keep her even well meaning opinions to herself, is the only one who may be estranged.

You couldn't be more wrong and being a member of GN I'd have thought you would know that. It certainly wasn't the reason for our estrangement.

Another one that agrees there's a good chance she deliberately intended you to read the note. If she'd wanted to express her feelings in writing about you - then I'd say she'd have done that in her own home and not a joint workplace.

Yep....agree that it's time to hand in your notice. About time you felt free to do what you please at your age - even if that's being retired and doing nowt very much. Dependant on whereabouts in the country you live = if you want to feel useful etc - then do voluntary work, rather than a job you yourself say isn't quite "up your street".

Also leave her to sort out her own online deliveries - I'm assuming it's from Tesco? Well I've been checking times and days they do this and it seems to be 7 days per week and for pretty long hours and so she could arrange a time/day to suit herself.

A lot of us will know that maybe we've got/had a mother that's a very different type of person to ourselves (yep....).....but the way she handled those differences (ie by writing a note she almost certainly meant you to find) was not very nice and was also short-sighted - as she'll now need to find another member of staff instead of you.

The old maxim ‘never put it in writing’ applies here doesn’t it?
It’s like reading someone’s diary, just don’t do it.I once read a book where a young woman’s mother dies and she is so upset as they loved each other and were so close they went everywhere together, anyway she found a diary and letters her mother wrote saying how clingy her DD was and if only she’d stop wanting to be velcro’d to her side and get a life, amongst other upsetting things.
To the OP, leave this paper where you found it and resign from the job, the cleaning up and do other things!

This is a tricky one but on balance I think you shouldn't 'confont' her about the note.

The issue of your working for her is a different one. Do you feel you are still getting somehing out of it for yourself?

If not then tell her you wish to hand in your notice and see how she reacts. Just like you would with any employer.

As for the other tasks then that is entirely up to you. It sounds like your DD is a very busy woman and perhaps is needing more help and support in her life, too.

I would carry on a day to day mum and daughter relationship though. Working with family is difficult but helping out with household tasks not so much so... she does sound lucky to have you, though!

What has happened to family relationships where well meaning parents need to keep it zipped and keep even kindly meant opinions .... to ourselves
Those were my remarks and I stand by them. I also practise them and have never experienced the estrangement issues which many other GNs seem to bewail.
“Mum” is not always right and there are many times when keeping our opinions to ourselves is the tactful and respectful way forwards.
Anybody who thinks otherwise need hardly be surprised by family fall outs and estrangement - which I had never even HEARD of before Gransnet.
.

Thank you so much for all your comments - they are as diverse as my thoughts. Rationalising it all though - I have seen the note and read it - I agree that it was probably written in a fit of anger and is not a true reflection of her feelings - but I cant help feeling the language used is nasty ? That is hurting me

Moody old cow - dragging her down - dimming her light - limiting her life experiences in case I don't approve ?
Meddling Mother might have summed me up - in a kinder way .

I tried thinking of what I would say about her - if I was angry - but it does not come close to these words she used above. I agree its a common technique in therapy to write difficult stuff down - so some of me thinks that maybe its time to bow out and as several of you have said - let her make her own mistakes (she is 35,single and lives on her own ). I am a GM - but thankfully its my son that has a lovely 2 yr old - so that is not an issue at all.

So I'll hold fire on letting her know I know and take a step back from always being available at the end of the phone when needed. As a start !
Lets hope I can keep it up - and not blurt it out when she asks why ?

Agree with those who suggest leaving the job with a month's notice, saying that sales has never been up your street. You don't say whether she pays you and whether this would affect you financially.
Also maybe stop going to her house so often and perhaps ask her to do small jobs for you from time to time!
I wouldn't say you'd seen the notes.

I would also leave the job and stop doing the housework. You don’t have to say it’s too much for you, why should you put the reason on yourself? Just say you want to peruse other activities.
There needn’t be a big fall out as long term that would be productive.

In your shoes I think I would hand my notice in , tell her it is too much for you . I wouldn't mention the notes you have seen - will produce cause you even more stress!! , live your life and don't be quite so available when she needs help at home.

I think it is highly likely that she wanted you to see it.. but I would pre-empt a confrontation by leaving the job.. You both know where you stand... You should create an interesting social life for yourself and hold your head high..

I don't agree that the advice to' soft-pedal the leaving' is given merely to prevent estrangement from possible grandchildren. It is a sensible, grown up way to handle an unpleasant situation within a family relationship, where mother and daughter will remain connected for the rest of their lives.

My comments were not meant to be hurtful or harsh I was only referring to the work situation not personal life.
I worked with my DH on our family business I do understand it can be tricky involving the two.

I wonder if the advice given on GN to a D who was working for her mother and had come across something like this would be to say nothing 'for the sake of preserving the relationship'; I don't think so but then again, there would never be the fear of the D being unable to see her GC would there.

Poor you Nannimo, how unfortunate that you stumbled upon something so critical of you, probably written in the heat of a particular moment & not a reflection of your daughter’s true feelings about you.

I was thinking that children sometimes grow up experiencing the fun side of their fathers, but the more serious, anxious side of their mothers. Although as adults we can rationalise this, still the feeling lingers, and although we may rely (too heavily?) on our mothers, the relationship can be strained.

I agree with others - don’t refer to what you read, but give your daughter notice to leave your job, and hold back on the household help you’re giving her. Try to stay friends.

I agree with Barleyfields, that you should say that knowing what she really thinks of you, you're handing in your notice.

I wouldn't ask for an explanation or offer an explanation for why you've expressed concerns about her choice of holiday destinations and any concern you had about how she was managing or not, her business finances.

I wouldn't simply stop being available to help her out at home but tell her that you'll no longer be doing so.

Why on earth would she write these thoughts down and leave them in the office where you have access and could come across it, which you have done?

What has happened to family relationships where well meaning parents need to keep it zipped and keep even kindly meant opinions .... to ourselves.

Thank goodness we don't have to be this way with our DS.

I would be honest and say that you have seen the note and feel it is time to stop working for her hoping that having a non working relationship feelings will change.

If the note was somewhere she knew you would see it maybe she wanted you to know how she felt.

Bit harsh Redhead56? There may be grandchildren and the OP would still like to be made welcome to see the whole family. Cutting off your nose comes to mind. I agree with Maw on this - just say it’s time to retire, have some extra ‘me’ time with friends, perhaps a holiday or two and be less available.

For the sake of preserving the relationship, its probably better not to let on that you've seen what was written.

If it were to come out, it would only distress you more than you already are, I'd imagine.

I would tell her direct you are giving notice because of your age. That from now on you are going to live your life to suit yourself.
I would also let her see that you had read the remarks she wrote down. I would put it in a prominent position she could not miss.
Don’t give her the opportunity to discuss it further she is using you don’t let it continue.

If you don’t want to mention the note just say that at 70 plus you feel the time has come to step back, give a months notice and stick to it. Of course if she protests in any way you could have a little fun and say you don’t feel as competent as you once were. I do appreciate how very hurtful this must have been and you have obviously helped her a lot but you should think of yourself now

Keep your cool, but as Barley says clearly you are the wrong person in the wrong place. If she had written this about any other employee and left it where it could be read, I would think she could have been liable for an action for constructive dismissal, so she is getting off lightly. Perhaps familiarity breeds contempt but I find her comments contemptible in themselves.
Nicely but firmly give notice, and FGS STOP doing her housework or other jobs round the house for her! Take a holiday, go way for a few days, be UNAVAILABLE.
Perhaps you have overstepped a line as Mum - we need to keep it zipped - and however kindly meant our opinions are best kept to ourselves or some neutral “listening post”.

I think you should leave, sooner rather than later, simply saying the job has become too much for you at your age and it is not your area of expertise.
Make no mention of having seen the notes referring to you, never, ever refer to them and leave on as pleasant terms as possible.
Don't be quite so available to help out at home, and don't do any jobs unless actually specified. Take a magazine to read instead.
Don't offer any advice, just smilingly agree with her plans and let her discover for herself how to sort out her financial affairs.