How to detatch from 34 year old children

Devorgilla

I came to the conclusion some years ago I was the main recipient of the many rants my daughters, sisters, friends imposed upon me because there was no-one else who would listen. I just listen, make the necessary sympathetic noises and open the bottle of wine when they hang up.

DD is much the same, but I have learned to listen and make sympathetic noises and then when the worst is over gradually shift the conversation onto other topics

I came to the conclusion some years ago I was the main recipient of the many rants my daughters, sisters, friends imposed upon me because there was no-one else who would listen. I just listen, make the necessary sympathetic noises and open the bottle of wine when they hang up.

I think he is using unburdening to you and blaming you for everything as an excuse to avoid addressing the issues he has.

As others have said, keep turning the conversation back on him. What are you doing about it? have you spoken to.. (doctor, counsellor, mental health charity)? Just keep making clear that you are not there to act as an excuse for him not doing something to help himself.

Please take a step back. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your sons.

He needs to learn to manage his mental health on his own.

Maybe suggest, as discretely as possible, that maybe professional help would benefit him and there’s a ton of resources for self-help on T’internet.

You’ll be doing him a great service in the long run.

Good luck

both he (DH) and you

I’m sure it read ok when I pressed the button!

It sounds as if a bit of tough love is needed. Rather than feeling guilty - suggest he seeks someone else to offload to, perhaps his GP or a counsellor.
I’m wondering if these daily phone calls are simply part of his routine - one that could be changed?
You say it’s taking a toll on us - presumably your DH, his father?
What are his views, perhaps both and him could speak to your son on alternate days, or even ask him to contact you a couple of times a week, on set days and be unavailable on others.
I know it’s frustrating when the answer is looking you in the face, but as he takes no notice of your suggestions and doesn’t want to change things, I’d assume he’s content with that and I’d try and keep calls brief and chatty. (I speak from my friend’s experience with her son - he was calling her 100 times a day!).

Think of your own well-being here, your son is using you as an emotional punch bag and it’s not fair. To keep blaming and insulting you is wearing you down obviously. You need to take a step back, it won’t hurt if you don’t jump to answer his call, just text him later and say you were busy and will call him. Take the onus off him calling you and make it more about you calling him so you can take a breath and call him every few days rather than every day. And text him with chatty posts about what you have been doing so that he knows that you have a life and are not just waiting for him to call you.
All the best 🌺🙏🏾

I have blocked my son in the past. Now he talks to me because he's moved in! Careful what you wish for, lol!

I find it helpful to turn things back to them. Ask him how he intends to solve the problem himself- what he is going to do about it? You have to do this over and over so the penny drops occasionally. Tell him you love him but he has to sort himself out now. Don't respond to every call or message. Give yourself space.

You are not a horrible mum and he is an adult. Now you are getting depressed yourself. I have been there. Go see your GP, they will listen to you but they will then say there is nothing you can do.

Is he your only child? Is there anyone else he can speak to? Encourage to get help, even if he takes no notice.

I know how hard this is but you cannot keep this up. Something has to change and you have to make that change happen because he won't.