Feeling i ve been taken for a ride

Yes, I can see it’s far more complex than it seemed at first. It’s not for me to judge, but I expect many would if they saw the OP was in a new relationship whilst her husband was still alive, and I can’t see a man worth having wanting to become involved with her in these circumstances.

Barleyfields
People were (and some still are) offering advice on this current thread, but, as other GNs have now pointed out, this lady has posted before and is married, so, personally, I see it as a more complex issue and perhaps not to be taken at face value.

Notjustaprettyface

Yes there is 17 years between my husband and me and I am now paying the price for this and I regret it very much
My husband is still alive but has dementia and both my counsellor and the dementia nurse tell me it’s ok to date again in order to help with the immense loneliness I feel
Please don’t judge , it’s really hard

Oh please think twice about that.
We know someone who did that. His wife may have had dementia and was in a home but she still sensed there was something amiss.

Yes, he's an old fool, but Miss Colombia probably won't dump him, he is probably her meal ticket to a better life.

He needs to be careful nipping to and from Colombia, it's a dangerous place. Customs and Immigration may have their eye on him too and wonder what he's up to.

You deserve better.

There’s plenty of casual relationships to be had if you’re looking for distraction. I wouldn’t blame the OP for seeking them out. but the OP seemed to be wanting a commitment with this man.

I just can’t see the kind of man who is looking for a committed relationship being comfortable with a relationship with a married woman who husband has dementia.

I can’t make that work in my head. That’s two completely different types of person.

Non granny moll
I think you are right : I shouldn’t have believed what I was told , I feel such a fool

Barley fields I think you are right but I do crave companionship
I can’t rely on my children to do th is
They have their own lives and I respect that
They might have to understand how I feel

Thanks Stangran

Thank you silverbrook
You have described how I feel exactly

With respect, Bluebelle, we do not know all of the circumstances. Notjustaprettyface’s husband is much older than her. For all we know, romance and physical intimacy may have fizzled out decades ago and this is what she is craving. No amount of voluntary work and the myriad of other things people find to keep busy can compensate for the loss of physical love and closeness.

I’ve been widowed for almost 20 years and I’m not yet 70. If I have the same lonegevity as my maternal line then I am looking at 40 or more years alone. In those 20 years, I have never met anyone I want to be with long-term but the occasional relationship has made me happy - until it didn’t.

I have a lot of sympathy for OP and her situation.

Op's loneliness is the empty house sort of loneliness. Plenty to do but no one to say ooh look at that sunset out of the window
But so many of us have been or are in that same situation but you get used to it if you allow yourself to I ve been alone a long time and it’s fine ( I do talk to myself a fair bit though) 🤣
Another man isn’t necessarily the answer there’s much more to life

Whatever the Colombian woman is or isn’t doing is irrelevant. The OP’s man friend has been open about her existence and his intentions, that’s fair enough.

I think of Esther Rantzen saying she had plenty of people to do things with, but nobody to just do nothing with.

Let him go!!! This woman is obviously stroking his ego. And if it doesn't work out for him so be it. You don't deserve to be second best to anyone. Get on with your life, and show him what he's missed if ever came back sniffing round you.
I speak as a woman of 63, who is at an age not to take anyone's c**p.

I do understand how you might feel. I recall a friend (now deceased) struggled with this when her husband developed dementia and went into care. The WI had a widows’ social group which she was not allowed to join as she wasn’t technically a widow. She would often say this was unfair as she felt like one.

I know from personal experience how lonely the early months and years of widowhood can be and the waves of disapproval from some quarters when I started to date again after a year. I recall one married woman calling me a merry widow when I was anything but. In truth, I wasn’t looking for a long term partner just someone to go out with and help me cope with the loneliness. I was working full time but those hours in the evenings and weekends felt so empty. I craved physical closeness and yes, sex. I missed that. So don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. This one wasn’t meant to be but a few years down the line, when your circumstances have changed, there will be other chances.

NittWitt

Sago

I fear you have been taken for a ride, unfortunately Columbia has now taken over from Thailand as the place for older UK men to find a wife.

I think he was probably hedging his bets.

Here’s a link.

www.rosebrides.com/colombian-brides.html

😧😧😧

That link is straight out mail order women.

Because that’s what it is.

Op's loneliness is the empty house sort of loneliness. Plenty to do but no one to say ooh look at that sunset out of the window. I think a partner with dementia must be a cruel punishment in life and I can totally understand OP trying to fill the gap. Someone with dementia and in care can live an awfully long time. At the risk of sound frivolous a friend with benefits might be sensible than the hope of a long term replacement for her DH. Perhaps there is a market for someone to set up an online service. A dear friend went to a Cruse meeting and said that is was full of men looking for a replacement wife. So why not for a women as op is grieving a lost marriage. Please don’t be too hard on her.

I will just add I was far, far lonelier in a bad relationship than I ever have been on my own

Notjustaprettyface you can get totally used to being on your own, loneliness can be countered if you want it to
Falling into some mans arms is just a short cut I m sure you wouldn’t feel happy about it if it happened, wouldn’t you be thinking of your poor husband who didn’t ask to be in a care home with dementia (unless he was an awful husband before), and would the other man feel comfortable knowing you had a husband still alive
Why don’t you get some fulfilment from voluntary wok there’s so much out there so much need and it’s such a two way process you get as much out of it as the people you are helping and so much safer than hunting for another man to entertain you. There are such a variety of help needed from children to elderly and everything in between

Loneliness is a state of mind and can be reversed and accepted believe me many, many of us have been there

May I say, politely, how would your children feel about you starting a romantic relationship with another man whilst their father is alive, and how would you feel when visiting your husband? This could cause a big rift in your family I think?

Shelflife

Wave him off , wish him well and do not tell him how you feel - and most importantly don't reconnect with him on any level!! You can manage very well without him .

This.

Say goodbye politely and have no more to do with him.

Thank you everyone for all your comments
I need to learn a few lessons from this
Yes it doesn’t feel quite right to date while husband still alive of course it doesn’t
But I find the loneliness crushing
I do keep busy , i go out with friends , I look after my grandchildren regularly but it’s not the same as having a companion here
I think maybe some of you are right and my friend has been honest with me
So yes I will have to put it down to experience and move on somehow

Do you mean posts on earlier threads?

This is a case of two halves.
If GNs read more of the OP’s posts there’s a lot more to this.

You aren't a back up in case it doesn't work out with this new lady
But Esmay he was a back up because her husband has dementia !