Hand hold / strength needed as daughter’s horrible partner is visiting her and grandbaby tomorrow

Stay out of sight, but make sure you are within earshot. He sounds unpredictable and a shit of a man. I hope your daughter is not persuaded to jump ship with the baby. She needs your support and decency. Going back to him, where he can bully and manipulate, will mess her head up and put them both at risk. I feel for you. Good luck. Xx

eazybee

He has pushed your daughter out of her home. Do not let him do the same to you. Stay in case your daughter needs you.
Just go from day to day at the present as best you can;a new baby disrupts every thing. Concentrate on her,ignore him;he is enjoying creating havoc and your daughter will eventually see him for what he is.
But not easy for you.

Such a sensible suggestion my view. Good luck

No two situations are completely alike but I have had to have similar dealings with a complete (expletive deleted). It is hard to face them, stomach churning, but just hold on to the fact that he is completely responsible for this ghastly situation and needs to be kicked into touch no matter what charm offensive, excuses, promises etc that he comes up with.

Good Luck!!!!

Stay in, your home and you work from home, like others have posted, a great reason for you to be around. Has your DD ever opened up about why she has home back and what she had expected him to be like when she did. Think I'd be very wary if your DD is persuaded to go back yet again and would not be able to resist expressing my thoughts on it.

It's difficult to watch your D's back without seeming to interfere but I think it's better that you stick around when he comes, for safety's sake. Don't hide away and don't go out. It's your home, they're your D & GC and you need to be there in case they need you. Is there a responsible man who could also be there (or somewhere close by)? Sometimes difficult men can be magically calmed down if they know they're not the only male in the house!

Yes. I agree. Don’t leave home if he is there. Stay in with your big dogs!

Sleepyhead52

I was you. I am not putting my experience on here; someone may know me. Am I allowed to offer you my email address?

If you use the three dots on your post there is an option to private message the original poster which is confidential

Stay with her and maybe get someone else there like a male friend incase he starts or intimidating you both he sounds like a nightmare

Barbarasmum

If I were you, I'd want you be there to hear any conversations that went on. Him trying to coerce her into going back, any arguments, any name calling, anything he says about you...
That's exactly what I would do. The thing is, is he going back for the s** aspect? I think your daughter should concentrate on getting her own life into a rhythm and arranging with him to visit maybe twice a week to see if he keeps to a routine. His behaviour has been anything but supportive and there's no indication that anything will change. He can't just dip in and out of relationships, especially fatherhood, on an ad hoc basis. You need to have a proper talk with your daughter as she keeps going back and that's not doing her (or you) any good.
Wishing you the best outcome.

Agree with the above. The fact that she has even kicked out a few times and he has his mates round plus the possible cheating, all seems to add up to yes he’s using her for S**! He might even enjoy a bit of coddling from her …meals ready for him, etc, but once he gets fed up of that and wants his own ‘space’, mates and partying, …out she goes! With a baby he’s not going to find that happening, she will be too exhausted to possibly do either!! He will get fed up sooner! I think this needs to be ( gently ) explained to your daughter. With a bit of luck the new baby and tiredness will drive all thoughts of returning, particularly when you point out she will have to do it all alone herself then… ? You could even smilingly tell the ‘young man’ how exhausted you are being up all night with the baby’s crying and aversion to the cot!
I suspect that unless the baby is quiet and smiling all through his visit, he might realise himself that having her back is not on for him?

LizH13 ... Thank you

How old is this daughter who keeps going back to a man who throws her out 4 times? She may be vulnerable, but this is sheer stupidity regardless of having a new baby, I would say particularly when having a new baby to consider.
She needs to get herself sorted and decide what the future holds for her and the baby. Can she live with you for the forseeable future or does she need to get herself on the housing list. Relying on this man does not sound an option. As someone up thread said, he would probably be better suited to being a part time dad if that is what he wants in which case she has to decide if she can live with that or does not want him involved at all. The baby deserves better than parents who cannot make up their mind how to live their lives.
It is also too much for you as an indefinite arrangement by the sound of it. Sit down with your daughter and have this important talk about her's and the baby's future.

I think it is better for you to be around to support her if things go horribly wrong because she will be very emotional having only just had her baby. Your daughter is in a very vulnerable position right now and isn't stupid at all. Most of us want a life with the baby's father so we can be a happy family and when your hormones are all over the place, you are thoroughly exhausted and been so badly treated, it is difficult to see the wood for the trees.
I don't think you can easily influence your daughter without risking it backfiring on you. What you should be doing is listening to her and suggesting that this might be the time when she needs additional support from somebody who is removed from the situation like a counsellor. I know it is hard but try to appear neutral about this feckless man. In a similar circumstance, the more my mother bad mouthed the father of my child, the angrier I got with her and he seemed less of a bad option so I stayed with him. Of course, many years on I can see that was the wrong thing to do!

I needed to read your comment @icanhandthemback as I’m sat here simultaneously biting my tongue and trying not to cry as I’ve just been speaking with my daughter about what she’s thinking of doing and she’s not ruling out going back to him. Her own dad was/is a waste of space who has very little contact since she was about 4 and she desperately doesn’t want the same for her daughter. It breaks my heart to think she’d go back to someone who treats her so badly but the last thing I want to do is alienate her.

She’s said she’s not making any decision now as she’s focussing on the baby which is good so I just hope that she can see him for who he is once things settle down.

I do remember my own mum and sister telling me to leave my first husband for months before I found the courage and determined to do so as they could see clearly what an abusive individual. I need to remind myself of this and give my daughter the same grace.

Your daughter is at her most vulnerable and I suspect clinging on to the hope that her partner will settle down with her and the baby and they will become a happy family as she no doubt sees with her circle of friends. I made that mistake, hoping against hope and it took a long time to see sense.

He sounds immature and irresponsible but I doubt she knows him very well and is in no position to judge at present.I can see she is hoping that he will not desert her as her father did to her.
Encourage her to focus on the baby, help her and be prepared to pick up the pieces as he continues to let her down. Wait post partum until she has recovered her strength and is able to face the future, then emphasise what is best for the baby.
And look after yourself.

The last research I looked at was several years ago but it’s been consistent over the years. Women average large numbers of separations (20) before finally leaving abusive partners
It’s easy to feel critical, to believe a situation down serious talk will get her to ‘see sense’ but sadly it rarely works. She needs to realise the risks she’s exposing herself and her baby to but it seems she’s desperate for it to work. I don’t expect it will but mum coming on strong might push her daughter away.
I do believe it’s important to be honest about your worries Dancinghorses, while trying to stay calm - not easy.

X posted with eazybee ther, who gives good advice

We also have lived through the stress of a manipulater, it’s exhausting.
I have no advice except to stay strong as you can for your daughter and grandchild, and try really, really hard to keep opinions about the father to yourself.

Thinking longer term, keep evidence if you can of when he can’t keep appointments - screen shots of the excuses for example. We found this helpful when we finally got to the family court.

Dancinghorses, it's so hard when you see people you love making mistakes and can't do anything about it because they have such strong urges to do the opposite of what you feel is sensible.
I think that that when people get to the stage that it is really over for them, they will know it and that is when you can give them the most help. Until then, all you can do is give non-judgmental support, try to get them to seek external help and bite your tongue when it comes to the "I told you so," moments. Good luck.

I wonder how long she was with this man? Was he completely different or did he not treat her well? I wonder if it was an accident having a baby, perhaps she thought he would change.
They never do. In my limited experience of such relationships, you have to hold back, he will finish with her and you will be needed. I am sorry for you, history repeating itself. The baby will change everything, your lives will focus on her and she will be the light in your lives, he is the loser.