Missing my friend and she hasn't died!

Ring her next time her phone is switched on and have a low-key, fairly brief chat, then you can see how things are and whether to persist or not.
Sounds like the drink isn't helping, but I don't know what, if anything, you can do about that.

It sounds to me as if she is sliding into mental health problems of some kind, alcoholism, depression or dementia.

Hang in for her, in a low key fashion, and see what happens. Does she have any family you could ring to ask about her?

Depression changes a person. Please keep trying with her. She can't help herself and the last thing she wants is to be abandoned.

That’s sad - I hope you will get back together. There’s nothing like having a ‘bestie’ - someone you can open up to and get advice and someone who can can pull you up on anything . I am lucky to have one.

Can you leave a message at all?
"Thinking of you and missing our little chats"

I think I may ring on Wednesday. If she doesn't answer I will send her yet another message.
MOnica she does have family but she has fallen out with them in the past. I have contact details for some of them but also friends I can contact too. I am sure if something drastic happens they will contact me.
Skydancer last time she had depression she rang me several times a day, even during the night. This time it seems different as she isn't telling me anything. She has taken overdoses in the past so I hope she is seeking help, though last time I saw her she said she didn't want any treatment.
Yes CrazyH- I always considered myself lucky to have such a close friendship but it is being tested now. I'm not having an easy time myself and hearing her constantly feeling sorry for herself has made me step away. It seems very sad that we've finished up like this.

NotSpaghetti

Can you leave a message at all?
"Thinking of you and missing our little chats"

Yes, I have done this several times. Very little back.

Depression can make you become very introverted and isolated, unable to engage with others. Alcohol is often used to self-medicate but it is a depressant. I hope that when you are able to make contact with your friend you can encourage her to seek treatment. There is no shame in needing, and taking, antidepressants.

keepingquiet how very sad this all is.
I do hope she is soon ok - and that you are too... worrying isn't good for any of us.

I wouldn't ask her what does she think she's playing at because that sounds confrontational right from the start. Ring her for a casual chat. If drinking is the root cause of her manner towards you then she needs help. However, having been married to an alcoholic any move towards treatment will have to be on her terms, nobody can do it for her. The road to sobriety is a long and difficult. You will have to think long and hard if you want to travel that road with her.

Yes it is very sad. Maybe it's just the tail end of winter? I'm not feeling so cheery myself!

I will ring her tomorrow...

Imo I think the problem sounds as if it lies with you refusing to "hear" her re her saying she'd like to just quietly "slip away".

That is how she feels. Living on planet Earth it's far from surprising if anyone feels that way.

If you get the chance to speak with her again - then just accept that is how she feels and hear her out as to why she feels that way and just accept it.

I think some/many people just refuse to hear sentiments like that and to the person concerned it feels like they're not being taken seriously. They listen to the "would-be non listener" and take anything they say seriously - but don't get the same respect in return and get shut up. Just tell yourself "Each to their own. I'm a cheery optimistic person or am doing my best to be so - but they can see clearly everything that's wrong with the world and/or their own life. Each to their own".

Don't try and change her - just hear her out. You can still be friends if she accepts your cheery optimism and you accept her seeing what it's like living on Earth very clearly.

Good post I think CariadAgain.

I agree with Cariad.. if you can't bear to hear what she is saying perhaps she could talk to the Samaritans..

CariadAgain

Imo I think the problem sounds as if it lies with you refusing to "hear" her re her saying she'd like to just quietly "slip away".

That is how she feels. Living on planet Earth it's far from surprising if anyone feels that way.

If you get the chance to speak with her again - then just accept that is how she feels and hear her out as to why she feels that way and just accept it.

I think some/many people just refuse to hear sentiments like that and to the person concerned it feels like they're not being taken seriously. They listen to the "would-be non listener" and take anything they say seriously - but don't get the same respect in return and get shut up. Just tell yourself "Each to their own. I'm a cheery optimistic person or am doing my best to be so - but they can see clearly everything that's wrong with the world and/or their own life. Each to their own".

Don't try and change her - just hear her out. You can still be friends if she accepts your cheery optimism and you accept her seeing what it's like living on Earth very clearly.

Mmm...I have wondered if the problem lies with me. I have stood by her through all the dark times and she with me.
I can't help but think though, that as I get older life is worth more and more to me and less and less to her.

She has stated that she will only do what she wants to do now, and if that means she doesn't want to be my friend anymore then do I have to accept that? Or believe I still have to be there through thick and thin?

It is certainly making me wonder about what such a lasting friendship now means.

I have heard her out, as you say, for more than 55 years. I am quite prepared to hear her out for whatever we have left, but if that isn't what she wants...?

I have never tried to change her- how could I? I love her for what she is and what we have brought to each other's lives. It is difficult for people on the outside to know how close the relationship has been.

You mention that she lives on Planet Earth- where do you think I am? Fairyland?

As for the Samaritans- she has been under mental health specialists before and knows what she should do but doesn't want to do it. It seems to be her choice to seek no medical intervention or help -so where does that leave anyone?

I will ring her tomorrow as I have said.

I'm sure she's ok or I would have heard.

It sounds like she has rather given up on herself and has decided not to burden others with her own needs. If I knew who her GP was I would have a quiet word and express my worry. I would advise that you keep reaching out with the reassurance that she is important to you. Depression is a difficult thing to live with and often when they withdraw it is because they feel you are better off without them.

One of my old friends had a screaming session at me then sent me a very unpleasant text .
She thought that I was blanking her when I was trying to avoid the neighbour seeing me vomit after an injection.
I've very occasionally texted her to wish her happy Christmas/Easter etc .
The other day ,I decided to call on her to find that she'd moved .
I sent her a text to wish her well and then she poured out her heart to me .
She has a particularly disfiguring life changing horrendous cancer -
Now I see that when she thought that I was being unfriendly-she was suffering from the shock of the diagnosis.
I have another friend who has been rude and unpleasant over the last couple of years .
I've kept in touch .
She's also moved and is asking me to come to stay.
I think that she is neurodivergent and now has physical problems as well .

It is sometimes really hard to be there for your friends -but don't give up on them .

You do sound such a caring friend Keepingquiet and I wasn't in any way undermining that by suggesting the Samaritans.. sometimes it is easier to talk about difficult subjects to a stranger..
I'm glad you will be keeping in touch with her but with this combination of drink and depression it might be very difficult to help her..
as she has been involved with the MH services in the past perhaps also alert her GP... I hope you both find some resolution..

Thankyou- the caring has always been mutual between us.

There has been a lot of turmoil but also joy that we've shared in all these years.

I think it's going to be ok- it isn't even three weeks since the disastrous day out and that's not a long time in the scheme of things...

I appreciate all your comments and I'll update tomorrow when I try to make contact again.

I wonder whether anyone could advise me on something. The problem is with a very longstanding university friend who, recently met someone online after her husband died. Since then, she has bombarded me with WhatsApp photos of the two of them together every few days. In addition to this, she sends multiple photos and videos of her many grandchildren, again every few days. The thing is she knows I’ve been going through a hard time over the past few years. My husband has terminal cancer, my daughter has mental health issues and will probably never have children and my son and his wife had huge problems before they had their son, who will probably be their only child. Please don’t think I’m feeling sorry for myself because I’m not. I just find her behaviour rather tactless and insensitive (she accompanies her photos with a short line of text but never asks how any of us are). I’ve been deliberately ignoring them for the past few weeks, hoping she might take the hint, but still they come. I really want it to stop but don’t want to appear churlish or unkind. I’m certainly not jealous, she’s not in the best of health and has no other close friends. I’m glad she’s met someone special, I just don’t want it in my face all the time.

Hang on in there. Friendships of such lovely longevity are not to be dismissed lightly methinks. Sounds as though she's really poorly within herself. Spaced contacts stating positive stuff and happy reminisces might be an eventual icebreaker. I wish you both well. Viva friendship!

That comment of "Where do you think I am - Fairyland?" is a type of comment I hope you've not been making to her. If you have ........that will be a lot of the explanation why she's gone silent on you. That is not a nice comment - sounds like it was made in not a nice "tone of voice".

For her sake - it may well be best to not pursue this...

Olivia51 I had someone like this in my life a few years ago. Always posting pics of her GC on social media- when I pointed out this wasn't a good idea she acknowledged it might not be but carried on doing it.

If it's Whatsapp you can block her, but beforehand I think I would tactfully say you don't have time to see all the pics so could she not send so many? She probably isn't even aware of it.

Your last statement says it all. Tell her you're really happy for her but just don't want to see so many on your screen. Or just scroll past them.

Eventually she may get bored of posting them.

Otherwise send some back of your own- where you've been, what you've eaten or books you've read etc- she may take the hint but maybe not.

If you value the friendship don't cut your nose off to spite your face though...

Hi everyone

Thought I would come back and update about my friend.

We did eventually speak on the phone for about an hour.

She's ok and feels this mood will pass, as it has done before.

She also has some health issues for which she won't seek treatment and prefers to be a prisoner in her own home, for now.

I was on the verge of saying she ought to see a doctor but checked myself. 'I can't force you, but...' is how I put it.

We had a conversation about other stuff and I decided to leave it there.

I think she will be ok- she sounded well and although not happy, she didn't seem depressed either.

At least I broke the ice a little...

thank you for your answers.