Grown up sons fallen out

Quite simply, do not get involved. What is between your sons, however distressing, is between your sons. Do not get involved in any way.

That must be very distressing for you. All you can do is to try and maintain good relations with them all individually without talking about the rift or taking sides. And certainly not talking about any of them to the others behind their backs.

Tell them all that you love them but that you are not getting involved in their fallouts.. and stick to it..

What exactly do you mean by standing up to your eldest son.

It sounds a bit as if you’ve already decided he’s in the wrong so it’s no wonder he’s being distant with you.

Just wondering why you think he’s responsible for the falling out since you haven’t said anything about standing up to your other son.

Lathyrus, your message is harsh. Perhaps the older son is a bully and unfair, and needs standing up to. And perhaps he is clearly in the wrong.

Each case is different, so it is so hard to discuss on a Forum like this as we only have a glimpse of the real situation. But I feel for you OP- this would be my worst nightmare.

My two brothers fell out in a big way, and I was pig in the middle and hated it. But my youngest brother was wrong, very wrong, and my parents never could stand up to him either.

Mole1 I ve sent you a pm

It wasn’t meant to be harsh. It was a genuine enquiry as to why the OP only talked about standing up to her older son.

I think you’ve made quite a harsh leap of the imagination actually in deciding he’s a bully and “clearly in the wrong”.

The OP hasn’t told us anything about the disagreement so how did you arrive at that judgement?

Perhaps you and the OP have something in common here?

It's very hard to comment on this without asking questions i.e do your sons normally get along well, is it a disagreement over one thing or numerous ? etc

Could it be that your eldest wants to assume the behaviour of 'father' and is acting like that to his siblings.

There's a lot that's unsaid but really it's between them and not you?

This is very sad for you, but all you can do is stick to not getting involved or taking sides in the quarrel between your sons.

That said, you are within your rights to ask your eldest son why he is treating you distantly - it might not have anything to do with the quarrel between him and his brother. If it does, you need to make it plain to him, that you are not judging either of them, but the situation hurts you, but you can and will accept that the two of them visit you one at a time for as long as they feel the need not to see each other.

Oh, and start making plans for next Christmas now - as a happy family gathering is not going to happen, is it?

I'm not sure we have enough info. to be able to weigh in helpfully.

But in general, yes it does sound like the OP sides with the younger son. We can't know if we'd agree with that position or not at this point. However, that is a bit different than being "piggy in the middle," which, to me, implies being neutral.

I'm also not sure if "staying out of it" is necessarily the best way forward. For one thing, her feelings actually aren't neutral, which I'd doubt both sons aren't aware of.

Also, it depends on what the problem is. For example, what if one son did something terrible, even criminal, to the other. If I was the victim of that, I wouldn't feel supported or loved at all if my mother said she was going to "stay out of it." In other words, the terrible thing done to me was really nothing she was concerned about? Who needs family like that? I might respond by "staying out of" her life.

This is the kind of thing that can easily and permanently tear a family apart. Therefore, without any more information, I'd suggest involving a good therapist right away, if at all possible. See what they think of it and possibly then bring the brothers into it, with the goal of resolving the issue. Good luck with it.

My friend has two children, both now in their 50s who haven’t met or spoken in over 20 years. The reason fir this was silly, but by not taking sides and not getting involved in their fallout means she has a good relationship with both. Separately.
I do for her though. She’s over 80 now and quite poorly.

Lathyrus3

It wasn’t meant to be harsh. It was a genuine enquiry as to why the OP only talked about standing up to her older son.

I think you’ve made quite a harsh leap of the imagination actually in deciding he’s a bully and “clearly in the wrong”.

The OP hasn’t told us anything about the disagreement so how did you arrive at that judgement?

Perhaps you and the OP have something in common here?

I have used the word 'perhaps, twice. We just don't know. Just as unfair to come to the conclusion OP is in the wrong.

I would advise stepping back and letting your sons figure it out. Perhaps the eldest son thinks you are taking sides, siblings often get this into their heads. You need to tell him that you are trying to stand up to him because he is being a bit too overbearing and not because of the quarrel between himself and his brother. Then leave them to it.

Agree with Babs. I have found however you keep out if it one will say you favour the other and take umbrage I’m afraid. Its usually the eldest for some reason.

Luckygirl3

That must be very distressing for you. All you can do is to try and maintain good relations with them all individually without talking about the rift or taking sides. And certainly not talking about any of them to the others behind their backs.

This is good solid advice.
These family rifts between siblings happens a lot, nothing can be done as kids no longer but adults who decide for themselves.
Yes, distressing for parents, but as long as each knows they are loved by you that’s all that really matters.