Ageing friends

My sister lives abroad, she's 5 years older than I am and is becoming very frail. She has family living near but two weeks ago she fell and broke her hip badly. I can't travel abroad ATM because I'm on the waiting list for a procedure on my heart and can't get health insurance. tbh I don't think I will see her again and talking to her on the phone is very difficult as she is very deaf and her memory is not good. it doesn't help that she speaks in a different language and seems to be losing her English so we have a fragmented conversation. It makes me very sad.

RosieandherMaw

ixion

RosieandherMaw

They have both rung me this morning (one twice) and rung each other apparently to ask what time we are leaving to go to lunch - I had clearly told both 12.00
Beginning to question my mown marbles soon!

It might've been kind to drop them a little note, on a pretty notelet, once the arrangements had been made.
Looking forward to seeing you on x at y at z.

Popped on the mantlepiece, it would be a permanent visual reminder and reduce their anxiety levels.

All very, er, discreet.

Superfluous really as one lives opposite me and the other 500 yards away!
It wasn’t such a big deal, just lunch with a book group friend.

It seemed a sensible and well intentioned idea. No need to be quite so snappy.

Lucky old you with friends on the doorstep.

Relating a tale to a couple of friends today at lunch, I found myself asking anxiously "Have I told you this before?" One said I hadn't, the other just smiled but then she had just spent 15 minutes telling us stories about her childhood which we'd heard several times before.

Apologies ixion - didn’t mean to bite your head off, it was just the thought of the pretty little notelet which I found a bit Barbara Pym when we are more likely to communicate by WhatsApp

RosieandherMaw

Apologies ixion - didn’t mean to bite your head off, it was just the thought of the pretty little notelet which I found a bit Barbara Pym when we are more likely to communicate by WhatsApp

Perhaps that what ixion meant though.

A ‘physical’ piece of paper rather than a phone message?

Something to prop up on the mantelpiece as a reminder.

Like what we used to do

RosieandherMaw

Apologies ixion - didn’t mean to bite your head off, it was just the thought of the pretty little notelet which I found a bit Barbara Pym when we are more likely to communicate by WhatsApp

But Whatsapp wasn't the answer here, was it?

I still receive notelets - I have no problem with that, nay am grateful to receive any communications in any form at my age.
And no, I don't feel any affinity with Barbara Pym .

To a friend showing signs of forgetfulness, anxiety, fussing, why not provide that bit of discreet reassurance, in the unspoken name of friendship?
Perhaps the inevitable ageing process which worries you, also concerns them deep down?

Who knows, it may have been the solution?

Usedtobeblonde

I have a friend just two months younger than me( both 87
She definitely worries me.
Her H died 2 years ago and she frets about the most trivial things.
She is also very, very deaf and conversation is both hard and frustrating.
She has a ring door bell and insists it doesn’t ring in her house.
Her D has it tied up to her phone and sometimes rings her mum to tell her there is someone at her door.
I went up to see her on Sunday and it took 10 minutes for her to come to the door and this was after me knocking very loudly on her window.
I would have gone home but she was expecting me at the time I arrived.
She then told me an improbable tale about her SiL and a journey he was taking.
Lots of other things and I don’t know whether to tell her AC , both in late 50’s who don’t visit very often.

We have a chime for the doorbell plugged in upstairs as ours didn't ring in the house only on my phone and I often missed it. Now I hear it loud and clear.

Used to be Blonde, I am 93 and I hope that's a good enough justification for the following unasked for advice. Do please tell her adult children

Much of Barbara Pym life styles are relevant today, despite that churchiness no longer normal. In my experience people to whom I've sent paper letters are delighted to get them,----such a novelty----and I love my yearly Xmas card all written upon with his news from an enduring old friend

My own lifestyle involves a lot of paperwork sometimes including from my sons when they do a diagram to explain something difficult. Also my daughter in law once sent me a hand written short note so beautifully written (she is a primary school teacher) that I keep it as work of art.

As a visual learner I absolutley love bits of paper and notelets! I don't think I'll ever fully transfer to doing things " on my phone"

Nor will I adandon miles and pounds and ounces!

Friends and family exhibiting signs of the years passing is inevitable and not unexpected. I remember vividly it happening to my parents social circle and ultimately my Mum, Dad didn’t live long enough sadly.
I accept it and try to tailor communications and arrangements to suit the individuals, some of us laugh together about it too.

This is all just life in the slow lane and we all have to pull over into it at some point.
GN can be quite ageist.

I recognise this. DH is displaying signs of forgetfulness and definitely the anxiety. We are seeking professional help. He’s been a wonderful husband, but it is so difficult seeing deterioration in those so close to us. Love and patience needed in abundance, but so hard sometimes. I tell myself I have much to be thankful for and indeed I have. Wonderfully supportive family, friends and neighbours. Keeping my own interests and friendships going, whilst still being a loving, caring wife. It’s life, it is what it is as my DIL says, and yes, much to be thankful for.

Sometimes people who are deaf have to double or even triple check things .

Yes, winterwhite, just need to learn to move over graciously to the slower lane. Makes sense, will come to most of us sooner or later. We are what we are and life is precious. Slowing down a bit and maybe doing things a bit differently and accepting change in us and those around us - and looking out for others too - is the way forward I think. I understand, though, how frustrating it can be.

I get frustrated with problems with my back and the cancer etc., but those are physical things, which I do the best I can, but inside this rather dodgy body is the mad 20ish person who was ready to go off at the drop of a hat. So I am always ready to drop any jobs I am doing at the chance of a trip outside, whether that is just in the garden or a chance to visit something. I know a couple of friends are rather disapproving, and they are much more wedded to keeping to the pattern they like at home. Partly we have to accept that things take us longer and perhaps it is sensible to spread jobs across several days, but I can honestly say that even when something did not turn out as well as I had expected, I have always been glad that I made the most of the moment. So these friends have neat and tidy homes and know where everything is, and at times mine is also neat and tidy, but can also be untidy and disorganised. So long as I am clean, and my washing is done and food prepared in a clean area then the rest can wait as far as I am concerned. Any sunny day at the moment means get out while you can for me.It is very sad when friends have problems or die and we will be very sad, but at least we had that friendship and love for a long time and though it may not feel like it, I think the sadness you feel now is because they were so important to you and it is good to look back at the things we shared.

Other grandad who is younger than me 70s has got very confused. He watched Holly oaks recently where there was a funeral. A while later his wife found him upstairs in his suit and black tie getting ready for the funeral!

After several bereavements, I became very forgetful while on pain medication, and was referred to a 'memory clinic' where a very nice psychiatrist gave me a verbal memory test, upped my dose of anti-depressants, and said temporary memory problems were quite a common symptom of depression. I assume I'll be offered an appointment to monitor the use of antidepressants in due course.

FWIW, getting older is 'the way of all flesh', and I try not to resent it. It has brought some lovely surprises, like grandchildren and great-nieces and nephews! I understand finding the limitations ageing brings into our lives annoying, but I'm even looking forward to retiring as it's something I've never done before!

I lost my oldest friend in our early 50’s she’d suffered several strokes due to alcohol dependence. It was hard as we’d shared a lot of heartache over the years. My other close friends don’t have the same attachment. However your post reminded me of my aunt, she was the last of my aunts, and I always sent her flowers several times a year as she lived at the opposite end of the UK to me. Our last conversation had me in tears, as she felt she was losing her language skills. Unfortunately a couple of weeks she died. My brothers and cousins all made the sad journey for her funeral, it was the longest saddest trip I’ve ever taken.

kircubbin2000

Other grandad who is younger than me 70s has got very confused. He watched Holly oaks recently where there was a funeral. A while later his wife found him upstairs in his suit and black tie getting ready for the funeral!

It is frightening how quickly people can deteriorate. A friend, in his early 70s, was diagnosed with mild memory loss.

Then his wife died suddenly. I went to visit him a few days after the event and he seemed to be mainly alert and focussed, if a bit fey. Six weeks later at his wife's funeral. He had lost his memory completely. Even with his children either side of him he was totally lost, and never recovered. It was a frightening example of how fast dementia can close someone down at times.

I like the way you think, Glasshalffullagain.

I lost 2 friends within a few days, just before Christmas '23. One was my age, the other 10 years older. And it's very difficult to find new ones when you are old. One remaining friend is getting very forgetfull. With me, names come and go. Remembered one minute, forgotten the next, to re-emerge seconds to days afterwards - but this has been happening for years. I have instructed my daughters to let me know if they ever have concerns about my cognitive abilities and not be shy.
Then I can make any necessary arrangements before it is too late.

Sending you LynW

Must be very hard.

I put my handbag in the fridge with the shopping and threw a washing load into the dishwasher. Much panicking about the handbag until husband went to get milk for a calming cup of tea. I was only it my 30s! I was rushing around after arriving home from a stressful job and a young son to take care of. Just too much to do and think about. I worked until I was 70 and have noticed a decline in the last four years, physically and mentally and put it down to not having enough to think about!

Every day is a new day. Don't worry what happened yesterday. It's gone. Today is a new day. Enjoy it. Then do the same tomorrow.

ixion

RosieandherMaw

Apologies ixion - didn’t mean to bite your head off, it was just the thought of the pretty little notelet which I found a bit Barbara Pym when we are more likely to communicate by WhatsApp

But Whatsapp wasn't the answer here, was it?

I still receive notelets - I have no problem with that, nay am grateful to receive any communications in any form at my age.
And no, I don't feel any affinity with Barbara Pym .

To a friend showing signs of forgetfulness, anxiety, fussing, why not provide that bit of discreet reassurance, in the unspoken name of friendship?
Perhaps the inevitable ageing process which worries you, also concerns them deep down?

Who knows, it may have been the solution?

What’s wrong with Barbara Pym? I love her books (well, most of them.)