Dealing with an adult child that went no contact two years ago and is working toward convincing her brother and sister to do the same.

First off I’m sorry you find yourself in this position. I’m sure it’s very hurtful. Second I’d stay off the blogs and online whatevers because it’s focusing your attention on “then” not your specific children. On a blog of people from all walks of life yes. Some are mad the parents try to contact and others complain they don’t because everyone is different. Having been nc for decades with certain family myself I know myself and most of the adults I know who’ve chose to request no contact mean it - we definitely fell into the don’t contact us category. But I’m sure the other camo exists. And really it doesn’t matter as to your situation

You say the oldest is “convincing “ the other two to go nc as well or that she already has ? If you still have contact with the younger two try discussing it openly. I’m aware your sister believes me to be x. Or have done x. Do you feel the same or do you feel that you and I have unresolved problems ? That you’d really appreciate the opportunity to work thru anything that may have been going unsaid. And then be prepared to really listen to what they say. Most people don’t go nc simply because someone else tells them too so look for the reasons the younger two might be having suggested to do so because if they’re considering acting on those reasons something about the argument that they are nc worthy must be resonating with them. Not saying that the argument to go nc is valid but if it’s causing the other two to consider it something there is making an impression with them as true. But it may not be too late to try t walk that back.

The problem is this, a narc will never recognise they are a narc they also tell lies so it’s an impossible conundrum.

Hello Jane, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 12 years so I understand how traumatic this is for you.

We also experienced our son's attempts to turn his older brother against us which like you, resulted in some minor disagreements but thankfully were resolved sometime ago.

Although aware of what was going on, we never told our DS that we believed this to be the case but concentrated on talking through any issues he had at the time.

About 4 years into our estrangement while visiting him in Aus. he told me had something to say. He said that he would never do what his brother has done because he's not like him. I was so relieved that I cried and told him that we'd feared he would also estrange us; he hugged me and said "I know".

I hope that hearing about our experience brings you some peace of mind as your son and daughter may well be aware of what your D's trying to do. Also take comfort that you are all talking and seeking to resolve any minor disagreements.

I agree with Grams and urge you to stop torturing yourself by searching online for sites where encouraging estrangement is discussed and information given on how to achieve it.

It takes time but eventually there will be, what I once saw described as 'a reluctant acceptance' that your D does not want you to be a part of her life.

There's nothing you can do about that, but what accepting this does do is enable you to move on and rebuild your life without her.

You're absolutely right when you say They complain about the parent trying to contact them and then complain when the parent doesn't try to contact them or as estranged parents invariably say 'you're damned if you do and damned if you don't'.

Your D has made her decision and having done so, she is the only one who could initiate a reconciliation.

There is a support thread here on GN in the Estrangement forum where you can talk to other EP's if you think doing so would be helpful.

Take care of you .

Thank you for the encouragement! Today my younger daughter offered to meet up again but gave me about thirty minutes to get ready and get there. Actually her significant other text me instead. This time they included my soon to be husband and want to have a conversation with him as well! Up to this point they have been actively attacking his character as well. It’s an improvement because they originally wanted to meet up to talk without him. I’m happy with this little development and look forward to it at a later date. Because they always make offers that are almost impossible to accept like meeting in thirty minutes , I very politely asked them to set up a meeting in advance so we can all be ready. Again I appreciate the advice from everyone, it’s nice to have the encouragement!

Grams2five, I’m trying to reply to each message. It seems to go back to the last comment for replies. With that said, I understand your questions and have asked myself many times what part or role do I play in this, am I a narcissist? Taken time to research it all. Everyone’s truth is different and I really do want to have a relationship with each of them. My eldest was my daughter that is no contact. We had a much deeper relationship and I gave her anything and everything I could. Over compensating for how she felt mistreated for years. She was diagnosed with bipolar and personality disorders along with schizophrenia around the time she broke down and decided to leave. It was devastating for her and for me. I think for her it was the best decision she could make for herself. It’s just that in the process for leaving she destroyed our finances, her own possessions and her entire family on the way out. Idk why I’m going on and on with this explanation. I appreciate your questions and will review them again to see if I can use any of it to improve my understanding of why people go to NC.

Ok! I really want to answer your questions so I copied it here. That way I don’t seem to be avoiding your questions. Especially since you are telling me about your NC. I am really wanting to understand more about the reasons why or the path to deciding to go NC.

You say the oldest is “convincing “ the other two to go nc as well or that she already has ?
I know because my youngest have told me she views it like she’s winning them over to her side- and told them to take me for all I’ve got, which is insane because I’m broke now.

If you still have contact with the younger two try discussing it openly. I’m aware your sister believes me to be x. Or have done x. Do you feel the same or do you feel that you and I have unresolved problems ?
This is where we are at now. Over the last year my younger two have become financially stable and still ask for money even though I have very little. We had a disagreement over me not being able to support them because I’m on a fixed income. When I was upset and told them they were acting entitled, they blew that out of proportion and took it as an insult to their character. I’ve babied all my children and given them everything they have wanted over the years. I’m tired and I realized that I overcompensate for the fact that the eldest took everything I had and suddenly I couldn’t give them anything. I’m sure my eldest would say that I’m lying about it all and I have come to the realization that there’s nothing I can do to change her perception. With the younger two, I have stopped trying to rebut each thing she says. And have kept saying to just look at what I do or say as exactly what I mean.

That you’d really appreciate the opportunity to work thru anything that may have been going unsaid. And then be prepared to really listen to what they say.
You are spot on. This is what I’m trying to do.
Again I really appreciate the view from the other side.

Most people don’t go nc simply because someone else tells them too so look for the reasons the younger two might be having suggested to do so because if they’re considering acting on those reasons something about the argument that they are nc worthy must be resonating with them. Not saying that the argument to go nc is valid but if it’s causing the other two to consider it something there is making an impression with them as true. But it may not be too late to try t walk that back.
You are right. I have been look g at myself and researching the best way to respond or talk to them. There is a bright side, they do want to meet up soon and have a conversation with me and my soon to be husband as a family.

You say you have spoilt your children.

www.healthyplace.com/parenting/discipline/ways-to-discipline-ungrateful-spoiled-children

This link is for younger children, but maybe is still suitable.

Good grief. This labelling of people as narcissists because they don't do as you would like is like an infection spreading through on-line forums. It seems to me that adults who can't deal with the difficulties in life look for someone to blame, amd labelling their ageing parents as narcissist seeks to give them a reason not to take responsibilty for themselves.
21 is not the age of a child- but that of a grown-up person who should behave as an adult.
She blames you for 'pushing' her when she had already messed up and you gave her room in your home.
When you had your injury she was 31 years old and should no longer have been dependent on you. Yer she blames you for messing up her life.
You seem to have had a joint account with her and she withdrew your share? Well, that should have been a lesson learned right there.
You found out she has memes- how? Are you stalking her despite being NC for two years? This confuses me.
You have had disagreements with your other children and now she's working on them to convince them you are a narcissist?
What madness! You have made mistakes as a parent, especailly maybe over-indulging your children and allowing them to use you, as well as not encouraging them to be the independent people they should be.
That does not make you a narcissist!
I don't really have any advice here except to say it sounds to me you would be better off without these baby/adults in your life now.
I suggest you are the one who goes NC with them and live your own life, because it seems to me they need to learn the lesson of managing on their own...

"Good grief. This labelling of people as narcissists because they don't do as you would like is like an infection spreading through on-line forums. It seems to me that adults who can't deal with the difficulties in life look for someone to blame, amd labelling their ageing parents as narcissist seeks to give them a reason not to take responsibilty for themselves."

KeepingQuiet..... You nailed that one. This has ben driving me mad for a few years now.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

So after you were injured she was covering all expenses for six months, yet you had a joint account (red flag) with extra money and savings and she "stole" it from you? If you had extra money, you should have been contributing to the bills. The joint account with an adult daughter screams enmeshed relationship to me. I don't think that's appropriate at all.

It also sounds like she has mental health challenges and you said she felt you were controlling. It sounds like the dynamic was challenging. Saying she stole from you when you were couldn't contribute anything to the bills seems dishonest to me.

Your other children are perfectly capable of making their own decisions. Surely you've learned something from what went down with your estranged child, so how's the chance to do better with the others.

Keeping Quiet, Bravo. No one could hav advised as well as you.

The only comment I could make is for you to avoid looking her up on the internet . It is hurtful for you and there is no point in it. I would think from your post that she might well be a narcissist, not you. I’d be tempted to fire back that it takes one to know one but that would definitely be unhelpful for both of you!

Macadia

*Keeping Quiet*, Bravo. No one could hav advised as well as you.

Thankyou but I speak from a bitter experience I would rather not have had.

If you learn stuff from life you are not a narcissist.

An excellent summary of the situation keepingquiet.