Feeling like an added extra on Mothers Day

Volunteer77

Mothers day is nothing to me. I have three sons who always spend it with their mother in laws. I try not to let this bother me but it does.

These 'official' holidays and remembrances , such as Mothers' Day, and Christmas--all you need do is act as you are expected to. These days are not really personal occasions. Don't worry.

It's just a day. A day that is not all about you.

Best to be happy, whatever you have chosen to do.

No, you are aware of the pecking order that has been set up and the message it sends that you are not that important. It hurts. But how you respond is up to you. Your daughter probably hasn't thought this through and is busy with her life. Consider going along with it, but mention how you would love sometime alone with her on another occasion. If she asks why, tell her the ex-husband and step mother's presence are ok, but you would like some alone time with her.

I don’t think you have got it wrong , you have every right to be upset 😢
Your DD should really have spoken to you first rather than accepting the invite , then adding you on so to speak .
This is my opinion obviously 🙄
For myself , Mother’s day has a special meaning for my own Mother who we lost in ‘81 aged just 50 😢But as the norm is that my Birthday & Mothersday have mostly collided @ morphed into the same day , I have never expected my children to make a fuss as such .
I have never expected them to spend the day with me .
Sometimes it works out that those years the birthday & MD are one & the same or as close as then we just do the one .
This year it’s obviously different & I have been caught by surprise that all of my 3 DC plus my Granddaughter in law , 1GGD plus 2 GD are coming to me for lunch .
Now that’s a long journey for them all over 2 hours each way . So I truly appreciate it . My own DH took his own Mum out for lunch yesterday , stayed over & will be hoping other family members with her for lunch today .
However, yesterday I was told that my ex-Husband will be coming . I’m not pleased but not a lot I can do about it after the fact . Apparently it was a GC who had invited him . I’ll say no more .
Our day will be across the ages 72 - 2yrs .
Older GS not coming , no sons in law & missing 2 GD’s one will be with her own Mummy & the other at Uni .
Enjoy whatever time you have together life is short , make memories & smile 😊

Personally, I would have immediately contacted the step-mother and asked about arrival times etc and offer to take a contribution. My Ex didn't marry again but his GF clearly tries to drive a wedge between Ex and our AC and me - but we all know what she is capable of and rise above it. It is quite therapeutic to get the upper hand when she tries her silly little stunts which she does regularly whenever there's a wider family event on the horizon.
OP, your DD step mother might just be genuinely lovely and be a bit shy of approaching you personally - be the bigger person and contact her directly

My daughter and 2 ds.I.l. are mothers themselves . It’s their turn to be spoilt. Unfortunately my lovely daughter is divorced. I hope her AC spoil her today. She has worked so hard for them.

Xtragran, just be glad your family is well and enjoy being all together, its not a competition which judging by people comments it appears to make it. Both mother's together with their own children sounds good, needn't be the same each year.

I don’t think you’re overreacting, I might well feel the same!

Mothering Sunday is specifically for children to spend time with their mother!

But it’s not worth being upset, so go along and arrange to see your daughter alone another day soon

Best wishes to you, Volunteer.
You have raised your sons to be independent caring people.
And a salute to all those who didn't have children or have lost them.

Mothers day is nothing to me. I have three sons who always spend it with their mother in laws. I try not to let this bother me but it does.

Every time I read one of these type of threads I’m eternally grateful that I don’t give tinkers cuss what day it is.
If any one of the family want to move a certain day, what does it matter 🤷‍♀️ Seeing those people is what matters.

Mothers' Day is not a big deal really. Please try and enjoy your DD's birthday - that is personal to her and important, rather than a global money-making event.

I hope you manage to have a good day.

Final word from me on the subject- how we feel about a situation (any) is down to us.
Anybody can experience the harsh things of life, including this sort of situation right up to illness loss and bereavement, but whether or not we feel victims can be dictated by how we react .
Yes, you can make yourself more miserable, feel like a spare wheel, or you can pin a smile on your face and take a bottle of wine because you'd rather not be left out.
Or you can decide to decline politely if you don't feel you'd enjoy it. But it is your choice.
The emotional baggage of Mothers Day or Christmas too often results in sadness or resentment.
It's just a day after all - you can rise above it or go with the flow or opt out.
Wishing all a pleasant Mothering Sunday whether with your loved ones or not, or for some perhaps only with memories

My son.i.l's mother is always invited to any gathering we have; Mother's Day, Easter, Xmas, birthday parties, as is her DD [son.i.l's sister] & family, but on occasion they sometimes prefer to stay home with all their side of the family and of course his mum & large family! Living a distance away from where we live. His mum is my friend as well as his mother.

XtraGran hope you have a lovely day today.

nandad

Yoginimeisje

Xtragran think I would feel the same as you, luckily, I have never had that situation. My DD & I always spend Mother's Day together, with the GC my son and her H [sometimes his mum too], I'd be upset if not. We are going out for a meal this year, so all can relax and enjoy.

So your son in law prioritises seeing you rather than his own mother, and the poor woman sometimes gets invited to lunch? You would be upset if not, what about his mother, bet she gets pretty upset not seeing her son on Mother’s Day. Lucky you, unlucky mil.

It makes me realise what a great person my husband is. Pre children both mothers were collected and bought to us for the day with both of us cooking. When our son came along we would still bring both mothers here with husband doing all the cooking, then when old enough, son helping with cooking, serving and washing up.

Son now lives with his partner and we and his partner’s parents have been invited there for lunch.

My s.i.l has a sister, so his mother spends some Mother's Day & Xmas with her daughter. My s.i.l will pop into his mother's before or afterwards once she's home from her DD. He is very caring of his mum and loves her very much. Of course she comes before me, every time. But every Mother's Day cannot be the same every year!

So, your nasty comments were unfounded and rude.

Oh gosh....i think a lot of people would feel quite off or a bit hurt about this.
Maybe, it's as simple as the invite being given by stepmum...and it was accepted as simply a meal being offered (perhaps she just didn't think)

It also depends on dynamics with your ex and the step mum. All well and good if there isn't any awkward background to the situation/ nastiness, manipulative behaviour etc etc.

I mean, I get on very very well with my ex husbands first partner (my step sons mum) sorry to sound complicated, but we bonded on the facts that we both were in an abusive relationship with him...and find comfort in eachothers validation. We also generally have respect for one another and actually are both quite gentle people?
Had she been over bearing or difficult history, then I doubt we would want t0 spend time together.

Could you suggest lunch out another day with your daughter?
Accept the lunch on Sunday if you feel able to participate and make it a positive experience.
How do you get on with your daughter usually?
Remember that mother's day really is a fabricated commercial celebration etc...but I do understand your hurt

For me the focus would be on my daughter, if she’s happy I’d go with the flow, turn up with a smile, decent bottle of wine and flowers.

vegansrock

I guess it depends how amicable you are with your ex and his wife. If it were me I wouldn’t go and arrange something with my daughter for another day.

This. I'd politely decline.

First, I think Mother's Day focus should be on our daughters or dils if one has any. Second, I'm blessed with no step or ex - but knowing myself I doubt I'd like to share. Third, I like alone time with our daughters.

' I think my daughter was just relieved that someone else took over the organisation of Mothers Day as it’s Mothers Day for her as well.'

You've hit the nail on the head.

Septimia

It's often a tricky time with so many complicated families... as are Father's Day and, often, birthdays and Christmas. Celebrate as and when you can!

And it's Mothering Sunday - sorry, but I'm a churchgoer!

Yes, I've been itching to post thst Septimia

It's originally a time when people went back to their Mother Church but the version I prefer is the one where children working in service went home for the day for some mothering from their own mothers.

However, I shall look forward to being looked after 🙂 🤞

XtraGran, contact your DD's step-mother and ask about the time and offer to take a contribution forwards the meal. If none is needed, then take wine, flowers and chocolates.

I hope you all have a lovely day.

I guess it depends how amicable you are with your ex and his wife. If it were me I wouldn’t go and arrange something with my daughter for another day.

AGAA4

Sorry growstuff it was meant for the OP.

No problem. Your post immediately followed mine, so I wasn't sure.

It is a commercial made up day.