Mothering your Mother

Littke Annie [ flowers]

The saddest thing of all is when clearing out my mother's house, I found a blank card, which said: To a wonderful daughter on Mother's Day. She just couldn't articulate it.😪
She never told me she loved me.

Many years later, I found out from cousins that she had a breakdown at the age of eighteen, when her best friend died of a brain haemorrhage. From a poor mining family, she had been accepted for university, unheard of. However, she shut down and retreated from life.

Years later, it happened again, when her best friend fellow nursing sister died.
It explained her anger and coldness.
When I was in hospital with a suspected miscarriage, she told me she had lost a baby, before I was born.

I think she was afraid to love anyone, for fear of losing them..

Franski

Dear ayse.

So sorry about your mum. It sounds like she did the best she could to love you. It also sounds like you have turned that sorrow and loss into more love. "The heart that gives gathers" x

Thank you x

Marydoll

Our mums were kind, caring nurturing women. I can only hope I've been as loving. Caring for them in their last years was an honour.

I'm saddened to read to heartaches of some.

Happy Mothering Sunday.

My son has sent his usual Mother's Day text - "Why don't you die Mother. The sooner you're dead the better as nobody will miss you ".

I think if we have had bad experiences in childhood most of us try our very best to give our children a different and better life, and in the trying, we succeed.

Dear ayse.

So sorry about your mum. It sounds like she did the best she could to love you. It also sounds like you have turned that sorrow and loss into more love. "The heart that gives gathers" x

NotSpaghetti

Marydoll how sad to continue to be present but not enough.
...but what a strong woman you must be to have survived and gone on to love.
I'm sure you would never make family feel like a "disappointment".

I agree NotSpaghetti
Some people may have carried this behaviour through the generations but Marydoll must be a very strong person to want to be a better person, mother and grandmother.

Marydoll 💐

I miss my Mum. She told me when I was quite small that she wasn’t a cuddly Mum. Well, I told her she was. She spent lots of time with me at the weekends although she worked full time. As a teenager, my parents relationship went from bad to worse and she ended up on a huge number of pills. Eventually when I was 28 she committed suicide nine months after my father died of cancer. I’m an only lonely child.

My children are everything to me and I do everything I am able to support them in their lives. They all tell me how loved and appreciated I am.

I wish all mothers everywhere love. Xxx

My mum died 7 years ago (last week). I miss her so very much. I do pick up her photo every time we go to the Christie Hospital for a scan for Himself and ask her to look after us. Daft? Probably. But I know how much she loved him too so it helps. She once said of him and his great sense of humour “he could make a cat laugh!”. That’s always stayed with me. We were very close, always. Lucky me eh?

Franksi. I absolutely relate to what you say. I looked after my mother for nearly 3 years at the end of her life but I couldn’t bear being her mother.

Marydoll how sad to continue to be present but not enough.
...but what a strong woman you must be to have survived and gone on to love.
I'm sure you would never make family feel like a "disappointment".

My mother found it very difficult to show love and affection. She was always angry and sometimes, when I was a child, never spoke to me for days.
I have mixed emotions about Mother's Day, because it brings back unhappy memories of flowers ( bought from my meagre pocket money) going into the bin and gifts being thrown back at me. Every year, I hoped would be different, but it wasn't. She was such a troubled woman.

Despite her behaviour, she was very demanding and I spent my adult years at her constant back and call.

I promised myself that I would never be that kind of mother.

I always felt that I was such a disappointment to her.

My late mother was an awful woman.
I hated having to send her gifts and cards on Mothering Sunday but the price I would have to pay if I didn’t was too great.

Thanks for your responses everyone. Some perceptive insightsso thanks. A few more details. Mum is 80 and she (and dad) always worked hard at their careers as me and my brothers were growing up. So we were provided for and honestly had a stable childhood. I think I just yearned for a mum who I felt was really emotionally present and nurturing, and cared about the little things that other mums did, like knowing what they child's favourite colour/ food/books/ teacher etc was. My mum wouldn't have had a clue! Since my dad died 5 years ago (after a happy marriage) and now seeing how close her friends' daughters are to their mums, I she wants that too with me. That is where i just don't want to go. That ship has sailed. She is well loved and we are there for her in every practical sense. She has an active social life. It's her growing need for me (not my brothers) to call more often (other daughters call daily) have long chats, tell her my news, secrets, all about the GC lives etc that I can't bring myself to do. I love her in my own way and she loves me in her own way. I just want that to be enough, and not to be something i regret later on. Thanks everyone xx

Oreo Thank you

Yes, your story does resonate with mine. My mum lives in sheltered accommodation so has 3 or 4 friends around her. However she is still needy and relies on me to fulfill her expectations for social outings, shopping, taking great grandchildren to see her, finance and health apps, etc. This mothering Sunday I will call round to see her instead of hosting the larger family lunch - at 68 I am finding these roles more and more emotional exhausting, yet at 90 I know she may not have much time left. I have realised that I can't be her friend (a lot of past history) but I have told her I will always try my best to be her daughter.

My mum wasn't "maternal" in a way that some friends' mums were. Not a lot of spontaneous kisses & hugs, & not much praise. But she loved me fiercely & I knew it & she always put my brother's & my needs before her own.
When we were growing up, she was helping my dad get a small family farm up & running, & she just saw this as more of a priority than being the perfect mum.
She's just been diagnosed with dementia but she & her partner live very independently. I do feel I need to look after her outside her home, & humour her a bit in conversations, but it's been gradual & tbh it's a relief that she accepts some "mothering" & help.

notSpaghetti thank you for this, I know my children will help if I ask. They’re very good and have visited most weeks since my DH died. I do make a list and have a drawer full of gadgets to help with small tasks.
We used to do the same for my dad and my MiL and visited weekly.
I still try to help them out when I can.

Redcar we aren't yet wobbly on the stepladder but I know my mother-in-law hates asking for help with small chores. I'm sure you know this but your children (who don't yet see the steps as a problem) will be happy to help.
Just do what you can - and make a list of the other stuff!

My mother-in-law (101 next week) keeps a list these days - lightbulb in the sitting room and opening a jar was on it last week. Longer jobs might stay on for a visit or two but will be done later...I always ask now.
It comes from a place of love.
😍

As a Mum and Granny of 78 years old, and with limited mobility, I hate having to ask my two daughters for help in any way. My DH died 4 years ago and was a practical man, able to do most household repairs. I find it so frustrating to have to ask someone to do such tasks as changing a lightbulb in a ceilinglight, when I could do it myself if I didn’t wobble on a ladder!
My daughters and their husbands do help, but they have their own families and lives to lead and at times obviously find it a nuisance to come to help me. (Although we always dropped everything to go to help them..) I hate the feeling that I’m needy!

It will be eight years tomorrow when I went with my darling mum in the ambulance to the hospice, she died 11 days later.

I miss her every day, she was a wonderful if a little ditsy mother to my sister and myself.

Whilst she lived abroad with my sister and stepfather, we managed to keep our relationship as close as ever, we both clocked up thousands of air miles.

It was an honour to mother her in her later years, especially when she lived with us for her last four months 💔💔

Franski

On the cusp of Mothering Sunday/ Mother's Day, I would love to hear from others. My own mum was never particularly maternal and still isn't- even to her GCs. She is a very pleasant woman and no conflicts or burning issues. Growing up i just accepted she wasn't like other mums. But year on year since she hit 75 she has become more needy and even a bit clingy- wanting my time and attention in a way she never seemed to. Even giving off 'poor me' vibes. I get that it probably comes with impending frailty and age... but honestly it's a push to move into that role when i still feel like i wanted a fierce, loyal, protective mum (like me).. and am just not ready to be her mum...in fact i resent it. I realise i am still wanting something maternal from her in my 50s..!! . Does this resonate with anyone? X

Doesn’t resonate with me but it will for some and I understand you feeling resentful.She lived her life as she wanted and now expects you to be a loving daughter.Am not sure how I’d handle that. At least you say she’s pleasant tho, which is something.
We can’t all be fiercely maternal ( I am) but realised some time ago the AC are fully fledged adults and I need to button it while not having to pussyfoot around them.Your own Mum cannot help her own nature in the end, and now feeling near the end of life maybe wants to be closer to you?
Relationships are a minefield.

Toetoe

I left home so very young at 16 there was no family support , out of sight out of mind , my poor mum had 7 children and just had to get on with a tough life . I missed her all my life and rarely saw much of her as hundreds of miles apart . Unable to talk as I had no phone and a phone box once every few weeks with a 10p phone call of 2 minutes . She never visited as wasn't well and I could only visit once a year or every second year . A huge sadness for me . She died 28 years ago . 7 kids and worn out . I think of her daily .

That’s very sad.It wasn’t easy to keep in touch years ago like it is now.Your Mum knew you loved her and missed her am sure.

I feel for you. You are in a difficult position. I wonder if you have siblings, and if so, are they treated the same as you?
You can only do your best.