Mothering your Mother

No, your Mum is younger than me 😯

All I can say is. I wish I was half the Mother, my Mum was, and half the daughter I should have been. Happy Mother’s Day in Heaven Mum. 💔

I wish I was/am

I get you. My mother was never very maternal towards me either - which is strange as she had been married for 12 years before I was born, thinking she would never have the family she longed for. Unfortunately, I was a huge disappointment to her. I spent the best part of 40 years trying to be the daughter she wanted, before I realised that I'd never be good enough for her. However, when she developed Alzheimer's in her later years, it was as if the roles had suddenly reversed and I was the adult and she was the child.

My mum died when I was in my 30s. 34 I think.
She was maddening, overwhelming and picky - but SO full of love. It was the generosity and ferocity of her love for me which was so hard to bear.

Like CrazyH I was truly blessed.

I'm so sorry you didn't have that from your mum Franski - I hope you have family around you to offer some relief. Please take comfort in that she is (in your words) a very pleasant woman - and that you have no conflicts or burning issues with her... So many do.

I wonder why she has changed to crave your company now - is she alone a lot? Does she have outside interests?

...maybe she isn't as well as she was?

My mother was maternal, caring and very loving but in the last years of her life after my father she needed us DC to care for her. Having been a strong, independent woman, she found this difficult.
She died when I was in my 40s.

Make the most of her while she is here. She won't want a mother, she may just want company. Unless she is ill and housebound, can you encourage her to get out and meet other people? Can you and your DC find time to take her out for enjoyable trips, even just for coffee or a meal, a change of scene? She sounds a bit depressed.

Same here -*CrazyH*. My lovely Mum died at 68 after years of ill health, ending in being bedbound at home for 4 years, becoming increasingly unable to do much for herself.
Luckily, she saw both my DDs born, but the younger simply remembers her as the beautiful lady in bed.

I often wonder what life would have been like had she lived to do things with me (I’m an only child) and see what the DDs have become, probably seeing both married and settled, but I’d have hated to prolong the living hell that became her life.

No my Mum never wanted or expected to be Mothered. She was loving and caring and I had a wonderful childhood. The only sadness for me was that she resented my relationship with my Mother in Law. Perhaps it was because she never got on with her own MIL but for me I was never going to let history repeat itself. In fact I did not have to as my In Laws welcomed me with open arms and I always got along very well with them.

My late mother was nasty to me for years. She was not just cold and undemonstrative but always critical.
Every Mother's Day she received sloppy cards from my sisters who liked to butter her up but I couldn't bring myself to send her a card.
Every Mother's Day she would call me after the postman had been and femand to know why I hadn't sent her a card.
She had all her marbles till she died and a 20-years younger second husband who looked after her so luckily I never had to help her with much.
She really needed vcounselling to help with her anger and bitterness about her life. But she would never have gone to a counsellor because she was always right!;
Sad all round.....

My mother was full of her own consequence and expected my sister and myself to uphold that. She was the Mother with a capital M and what she said went. I cannot remember her giving me a spontaneous hug or kis. I spent a lot of my life trying to please her.
. I spent a lot of time with her when she was dying ( duty I now realise), and I didn’t get to know her much better. She was my mother and I will think of her tomorrow, but not with any fondness.

My mother relied on me to a certain extent for both advice, at times that did take me by surprise the turning of the tables, and also for practical help. I was happy to give any help I could, she was a good mother to me. Our one to one time once my father had died is a period I look back on with great fondness. My other half and I both have framed photographs of our respective mothers on our chest of drawers in our bedroom Sometimes I look it and get the urge to pick up the photo and say "You'll never guess what" which can relate to both personal and newsworthy events, whatever's in my mind. I do miss her, even though it'll be 17 years this summer.

The woman who gave birth to me will be 88 this weekend. Sadly she was sectioned 2 weeks after my dad married her. His life was never the same. He took his marriage vows "in sickness and in health" very seriously and I doubt he was never very happy in their 60+year marriage (he died of cancer)
He was told she should never have children but unfortunately went on to have me and my brother 5 and 7 years after her "breakdown "
I tried to be understanding and supportive of her mental health issues but at the age of 50+ I had to walk away to protect my own mental health

To all those looking forward to tomorrow with their caring, loving mothers, enjoy. Your have a gift more precious than gold.

A mother's love is something I will never experience 💔

No, though I need to do lots of practical things to enable my mum to remain in her flat.
Her mothering was cloying encouragement to the point of suffocation but my siblings and I have always felt that we are not quite good enough.

We have never really ‘got on’ as adults. My help is very much driven by being a dutiful daughter. My dad died over 40 years ago and all she has really deep down wanted to do since is to be with him.
Franksie I understand about a pivoting in the relationship, and it does feel odd.

Agree with Allira, your mum may be lonely and just wants a bit more of your company. We don’t need mothering (just yet) but do like to spend time with our adult children and gc too of course.

Allira

No, your Mum is younger than me 😯

We don't actually know the mother'sage. The years have passed
since she hit 75.

I left home so very young at 16 there was no family support , out of sight out of mind , my poor mum had 7 children and just had to get on with a tough life . I missed her all my life and rarely saw much of her as hundreds of miles apart . Unable to talk as I had no phone and a phone box once every few weeks with a 10p phone call of 2 minutes . She never visited as wasn't well and I could only visit once a year or every second year . A huge sadness for me . She died 28 years ago . 7 kids and worn out . I think of her daily .

Franski I assume your mother lives alone. I think as some people get older they seem to lose confidence in themsleves, and while they do not have dementia their minds - well - 'relax' a bit, I cannot think of a better word so that they do not feel sure of themselves.

I think this is probably what is happening to your mother.

As far as resenting it and feeling you want to be mothered before youmother, a not unreasonable feeling. I think sometimes we have to accept that if a mother hasn't done something by the time we are in our 50s, it is never going to happen. The same applies to those wonderful intimate conversations people yearn for. If you have gone 40 years of your life without them, they are neve going to come.

I spent the first 40 years of my life trying to explain to my mother how I thought and how I reached opinions and made decisions that were different to the ones that she would make in her circumstances. Then around the age of 40, I realised that I was wasting my time trying to explain to her, something that she found inexplicable and i just decided to accept that we were chalk and cheese, but I knew it and she didn't and I stopped trying to convince her of the rightness of anything I did. I would give a brief explanation if asked and then leave it.

I think you iwll need to do something similar.

I feel for you. You are in a difficult position. I wonder if you have siblings, and if so, are they treated the same as you?
You can only do your best.

Toetoe

I left home so very young at 16 there was no family support , out of sight out of mind , my poor mum had 7 children and just had to get on with a tough life . I missed her all my life and rarely saw much of her as hundreds of miles apart . Unable to talk as I had no phone and a phone box once every few weeks with a 10p phone call of 2 minutes . She never visited as wasn't well and I could only visit once a year or every second year . A huge sadness for me . She died 28 years ago . 7 kids and worn out . I think of her daily .

That’s very sad.It wasn’t easy to keep in touch years ago like it is now.Your Mum knew you loved her and missed her am sure.

Franski

On the cusp of Mothering Sunday/ Mother's Day, I would love to hear from others. My own mum was never particularly maternal and still isn't- even to her GCs. She is a very pleasant woman and no conflicts or burning issues. Growing up i just accepted she wasn't like other mums. But year on year since she hit 75 she has become more needy and even a bit clingy- wanting my time and attention in a way she never seemed to. Even giving off 'poor me' vibes. I get that it probably comes with impending frailty and age... but honestly it's a push to move into that role when i still feel like i wanted a fierce, loyal, protective mum (like me).. and am just not ready to be her mum...in fact i resent it. I realise i am still wanting something maternal from her in my 50s..!! . Does this resonate with anyone? X

Doesn’t resonate with me but it will for some and I understand you feeling resentful.She lived her life as she wanted and now expects you to be a loving daughter.Am not sure how I’d handle that. At least you say she’s pleasant tho, which is something.
We can’t all be fiercely maternal ( I am) but realised some time ago the AC are fully fledged adults and I need to button it while not having to pussyfoot around them.Your own Mum cannot help her own nature in the end, and now feeling near the end of life maybe wants to be closer to you?
Relationships are a minefield.

It will be eight years tomorrow when I went with my darling mum in the ambulance to the hospice, she died 11 days later.

I miss her every day, she was a wonderful if a little ditsy mother to my sister and myself.

Whilst she lived abroad with my sister and stepfather, we managed to keep our relationship as close as ever, we both clocked up thousands of air miles.

It was an honour to mother her in her later years, especially when she lived with us for her last four months 💔💔

As a Mum and Granny of 78 years old, and with limited mobility, I hate having to ask my two daughters for help in any way. My DH died 4 years ago and was a practical man, able to do most household repairs. I find it so frustrating to have to ask someone to do such tasks as changing a lightbulb in a ceilinglight, when I could do it myself if I didn’t wobble on a ladder!
My daughters and their husbands do help, but they have their own families and lives to lead and at times obviously find it a nuisance to come to help me. (Although we always dropped everything to go to help them..) I hate the feeling that I’m needy!

Redcar we aren't yet wobbly on the stepladder but I know my mother-in-law hates asking for help with small chores. I'm sure you know this but your children (who don't yet see the steps as a problem) will be happy to help.
Just do what you can - and make a list of the other stuff!

My mother-in-law (101 next week) keeps a list these days - lightbulb in the sitting room and opening a jar was on it last week. Longer jobs might stay on for a visit or two but will be done later...I always ask now.
It comes from a place of love.
😍

notSpaghetti thank you for this, I know my children will help if I ask. They’re very good and have visited most weeks since my DH died. I do make a list and have a drawer full of gadgets to help with small tasks.
We used to do the same for my dad and my MiL and visited weekly.
I still try to help them out when I can.