Emotional needs unmet

I completely understand where you're coming from. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of new attention, and it's natural to feel a bit disillusioned when the person you've been with for years seems less exciting in comparison. But as you rightly pointed out, your OH is the person you've built a life with. The shared history, the comfort, the deeper connection – those things don't just vanish.

The temptation to compare him with someone new can cloud your judgment, but the reality is that relationships evolve over time. The excitement and novelty of a "new friend" might be thrilling for a while, but it's the depth of the bond with your OH that truly matters in the long run. He won’t magically transform into someone else because of outside influences, nor should he.

As for discussing things openly with him – that's the key. Communication is everything. It might be a difficult conversation, but it’s necessary if you want to understand each other’s feelings and work through any underlying issues. Both partners have room for growth and change, and sometimes it’s simply about rediscovering what made the relationship strong in the first place.

It’s about honesty and kindness, not blame. We all have our moments of doubt, but those can lead to deeper understanding if approached with love and respect.

My husband is very much the same. I find it so hard. I’m his first wife and I knew he was different emotionally but thought this would get better. Never comments on my clothes, but can be negative about them. I’ve been married before so I suppose my expectations are slightly different. It’s very difficult when emotion is quite negative, rarely positive we are in our 60’s.

Jen67patte - You don't mention whether there's any physical side to your marriage or whether you have adult children and g.children. You don't mention the word 'love'. You need to ask yourself some questions: 1) would you have written this - would you have become so discontent with him - a month before you became re-acquainted with your old friend? If you can genuinely answer yes than you must consider what the nature of your relationship is and what keeps you in it. If you wouldn't have written it before you met up again with your old friend, then you have an old-fashioned crush on someone who appears to be the polar opposite of your husband but that crush will wane and you run the risk of losing your husband and your family if there are children and g.children and they discover whatever it is that you're doing with your 'friend'.
2. Has your husband always been the introverted half of your marriage and if so why does it now matter because he seems to have proved himself to be a good man and presumably loyal to you for 35 years. If he's become quieter over the years and the spark has gone then try to work at re-creating it and that doesn't mean you dressing at the height of fashion.
3. You could tell him you want more of a social life and judge his response. He may surprise you and say that's OK - i.e. go and have one without me. Then you have to decide what are the boundaries around that life.

Actions speak louder than words…

Luminance

The grass isn't greener on the other side, you must water your own grass.

Great post
And most of the others on this thread which has been thoughtful and also amusing!

Yes, I've got an injury at the moment and DH has been quite good but did mention to me that, when I did the washing on Monday, I forgot to empty the small linen basket upstairs. I nearly wrapped his dirty pants round his neck.

I’m recovering from surgery and it’s taking a lot longer than I’d hoped - my DH is out getting the washing off the line. I’ve been wearing a pyjama top all day, has he noticed? No he hasn’t. Do I care? No I don’t!! There are far more important attributes which he does have. I expect yours does too OP.

eddiecat78

I'd die of shock if my husband commented on what I was wearing

Oh mine does - if we're going out he very occasionally says "Oh, you look nice!" in a very surprised tone
So it must mean I don't normally.

The lover is a menace. Okay to window shop but not okay to buy on impulse.

I was married to a man that didn't talk a lot ...I was extremely lonely .We finally divorced after being together for over 28years ...😢🙂

Look at what your husband does rather than what he says or what you wish he'd say. I bet he quietly does lots of things for you and would do his best to help if you ever needed him.
Forget this latest distraction.

I once mentioned to my old MIL that my husband (her son) never complimented me. She said that means he’s not looking at other women either.

My partner never ever passes comment on what I wear, I don't care, there is more to a relationship than always needing him to tell you how
good you look.
Be honest, you fancy the man that has come back into your life, and are looking to justify your feelings by blaming what you see as your husbands faults.
I don't judge and only you know what you will do next but remember the grass is not always greener.

Honestly, woman, you have been married to the same man for 35 years, and you still have not learned to accept that he doesn't notice what you wear?

Take off your clothes, dear! If he doesn't notice THAT, then you have grounds for complaint.

Somewhere around their Silver Wedding anniversary, my mother, by her own account, asked my father if he still loved her, as he never said so. To this he repelied, "I told you I loved you when I asked you to marry me. If I had changed my mind, I would have told you" Most of my father's fellow countrymen ( he was a Scot) would have said the same.

You are in very dangerous territory if you think an old 'friend' is the answer to your prayers. After 35 years of marriage it is quite normal to have settled down to a peaceful life where the heady joys of early romance have long since departed. Instead of looking at your husband's faults, try making a list of everything that is good about him. There must have been some meeting of minds over the years so concentrate on getting that back rather than moving on to pastures new. So many people think that the grass is greener only to find they've jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. Don't be that person. Don't just take pride in your appearance, take pride in having integrity.

Are there other ways that your husband compliments you? Perhaps just thanking you for meals, or helping out with a task he finds difficult? Perhaps the investment you make in your appearance is not what he most values about you, but other qualities? My husband likes the fact that I am independent and get on with my own hobbies while he does his own stuff. Try to look for the good in what you have - kindness is an undervalued and underrated quality in marriage.

If it is really not enough for you, imagine how you might feel on your own. This might be the outcome of pursuing your potential relationship. You could end up without either person in your life. You need to be sure you’re prepared to take that risk.

My husband used to look a bit daft stepping off the tube in his Jermyn Street suits and ties when all those under 40s were in casual trousers, even shorts, and open neck shirts.
Now he lives on the coast and dresses in a hoodie, shorts and flip flop, so I guess he's catching up!

Proof you can change a man, if only fashion-wise!

I never need to look at my husband to see what he's wearing because it will be a blue shirt and chinos. The shirt and chino's might vary in shade and how old they are, the shirt may have long sleeves or short ones but I know I'll be 85% correct without even looking. He's a believer in bulk buying too, "that's my kind of shirt, buy 4, that's my length and cut of trousers, buy 4" He wastes absolutely no time in what he considers unnecessary decision making.

Of course you get on like a house on fire, it’s early days and you’re both trying really hard to charm each other - who know what he’s really like when the novelty wears off.
Your husband sounds just like mine and I wouldn’t swap him for the world - I know he loves me and would do anything for me - because now and again he does.

mrsmeldrew

I always think if I was missing my husband would be unable to tell the police what I was wearing!

Likewise. Mind you I would be much the same. He lives in jeans and a T shirt, that much I can remember, but which colour on any particular day, there yu have me.

I think today he is wearing faded red jeans and a black T shirt - I will go to the living room and check...........................Oh, my God I was right!

I usually only notice people's clothes if they look really nice, really messy or are wearing a garment/accessory that catches my attention. Most of the time people don't, so I do not notice what they are wearing.

knspol

Luminance

The grass isn't greener on the other side, you must water your own grass.

Totally agree!

I love that quote!

If I went missing, must husband wouldn't be able to give a description of me to the police. He rarely notices what I wear. However, although a man of few words and not at all romantic, I know he loves me. I have accepted that is the way he is.

I wouldn't dream of looking at nor engaging with another man, especially one I knew pre-marriage. You may live to regret it.

Thoughtful answers to a hard question. I have spent over 50 years to a Wonderful man who has put up with me cared for me but most of all Loved Me. I often say to the grown up children "your Dad would not notice me if" I grew 2 heads"! The grass may have looked greener for me several times along the road we have come but I wouldn't change it And I wouldn't change him!!

Tread carefully.

My former husband never commented nor seemed to notice what I or anyone else wore for that matter. I was too ill to attend a wedding once, so he went alone. All he could tell me about the bride’s dress afterwards was that it was white!

I feel sorry for your Husband. He is like alot of men who are not obsessed with how we look or what we are wearing. The main thing is he cares for you and is kind. There is nothing worse than being frightened or your partner/OH or worse things which many women suffer (and some men too). Living in the past with an 'old friend' is dangerous and could possibly back fire on you in a way you are not expecting. Be thankful for what you have.

You can turn the ‘not noticing’ to your advantage.
I like dressing up and buying new clothes and when, months later, MrA says something like, ‘that’s a nice dress, is it new?’ in a suspicious tone, I can truthfully reply that I’ve had it for ages.
The other thing worth remembering is that sometimes the very thing that attracted you to someone a long time ago can turn into the thing that annoys you decades later!

Your "old friend" is not the person you remember, be very careful.