Son has gone distant

So sorry Anna, I don't know west to say to help or advise. I wonder if your son has done sort of depression or just wants space. You have no alternative but to wait until he contacts you. If you know his address you could write him a letter, just some thing light saying you are forward to seeing him when he is ready, you could visit but risk annoying him, my sister shut the door in my face when I hadn't seen her for a year as I was worried. Try if you can, to look after yourself, all thus worrying will make you ill and helps no one.

Families are strange things. We tip toe around not wanting to appear needy but ( sometimes) missing our adult children so much. They just don't get it! Like many things in life, I don't think you do comprehend it until you go through it yourself.

I would " beef up" your own life and wellbeing. Try to be interested and interesting. I know it's not easy. Write a cheery note to your son and inniate some lightweight meet up eg cinema/ coffee/ a drive.

Of course you are worried. Presumably your son is living alone. If I were in your shoes I 'd be wondering if he is not managing, or is ill or depressed and I would go and see him asap to see if he is alright.

Maybe just keep up the WhatsApp contact for now....keep it light ....don't ask questions so there's no feeling that your son HAS to respond...just tell him news you think he would like to hear ....I really hope that things will improve for you....its a really difficult situation to be in and of course you will be extremely upset 💐

Send him a WhatsApp message telling him that you love him and that he will always have a home with you. Try not to think about how you're feeling... assume he is depressed and offer kindness and care. Don't ask anything of him.

Thanks for all the kind replies, it is so hard to know what to do, i have often thought about just turning up at his door and knocking to see if he will answer the door, he probably wouldn't though if he is not expecting anyone. The other day when my youngest son and myself went to his workplace to do shopping and found out he no longer works there, i said to my son should we go and see if he is at home(he lives not far from where he worked)my youngest said "mum just let him live his life" but as his brother i don't think he realises what it is like for me as his mum being so worried.

Sorry you are disappointed you have obviously been very close to your sons, now they have moved on and are concentrating on their current life, work and partners. All can suggest is keep in touch birthdays, Christmas etc and expand your own life to fill the gap.
My wife’s sons are pretty much the same she has to make the effort to see them, there wouldn’t be a lot of contact otherwise.

Don't wish to be harsh as I can ' see' how distressed you are. However you do seem to be a bit clingy! Your 30 year old son left home and it broke your heart .......... What !? Our son was a joy to have at home but was still with us in his late 20s. I remember saying to my husband " he 's got to go" not that I didn't love having him at home rather that I knew he needed to get out into the world and live his own life. He is now happily married and we see him often.
Just send him a message and tell him you love him and accept he is not your baby anymore! No more chasing him up at his place of work and please don't assume the worst because he no longer works there.
I know how much you love your sons
and sadly you have become distanced from two of them . Please ensure it does not happen with your third son .
Our ' children ' grow up and we have to recognize that when this happens we are no longer their priority they have their wives / husbands/ possibly children at the top of their list hopefully we are not too far down that list! I reay do wish you well and sincerely hope this situation improves - good luck and I apologize if I appear insensitive. 💐

You had him at home for 30 years he was pretty old leaving home and striving for independence was there a reason? There is a clue there you said it ‘broke your heart’ well it shouldn’t have done, you should have been thrilled he was moving on into adult hood albeit later than most You don’t mention if he has a partner? Perhaps you don’t know !

This is just a feeling and please don’t take it the wrong way but look at it objectively Have you been a bit clingy as a mum to adult boys, you talk about crying every day that is excessive They HAVE to live their own lives ….however I do also understand your anxiety at not hearing from this man and not knowing he’d left his job Do you think he thinks you would worry or be too Mumsy if he told you ?

I think you need to give him the space and privacy he feels he needs, he knows you well enough that if he told you he’d lost his job you d go into ‘mum overdrive’ snd I think you would wouldn’t you? He needs to preserve his independence and his privacy
Carry on with your normal what’sap and hold fire
DO NOT call for a welfare check on him if you want to have any chance of a future because that will really blow it

I think definitely re establish your own identity as some one other than "Mum" Try to be cheery and talk about interests to the AC. Even if it's a bit fake.

Agree, don't go charging in to your son's life. A simple letter through the door suggesting a cheery meetup. If you drive I always find a bit of side by side conversation easier than full on stuff works.

I would ask the son you still see to checkout that he is OK.. It would be less needy and quite normal. If he isn't actually clinically depressed then you must respect his decision not to contact you..

I'm so sorry anna and understand why you're so distressed by what's happening.

I suggest you write to your son and put your address on the back of the envelope, that way you'll know that he's still living there or your letter will be 'returned to sender'.

He probably has no idea how awful this is for you, to have more or less disappeared. As others have said, keep the letter light with no requests to see him but reassuring him of your love and being there for him if he needs you.

I hope you hear from him soon .

You say your sons were very close growing up. Is your youngest still in contact with either of his brothers?

At the end of the day you have done your best for your sons but they are adults now let them spread their wings and be happy for them. Often men are like that with their mothers but it doesn't mean they dislike you.

Very well ' said' BlueBelle.

Thanks everyone, i should point out my son's dad died very suddenly a good few years ago when they were all just young adults, i guess at the time i tried to keep them all close as knew they were all suffering a huge loss. I was divorced at the time but was still very upset at his passing. As time has gone on my son's are not as close as they were when they were boys. When a wedding or funeral happens where they are all together again, they are polite to each other but the bond they once had is no longer apparent and that makes me so sad. I suppose looking back i did hold on too tight to my sons, but i guess i was just trying to protect them knowing their dad was gone. I will just keep trying to connect with my son and hope i can see him soon. It's true what they say just because they are adults you don't stop worrying about them.

It does sound Anna, as if you find it difficult to let life move on.

Given that you are so unhappy, do you think some professional therapy might help?

Most people will back away from relationships that feel too intense and your sons may feel the need to exert their own independence, to a greater extent than if you were happy and independent yourself.

Now that’s good that you are recognising the part you played in this and your needs with the best intentions you over compensated and it’s easily done ….my grandkids Dad died when they were 6 and 4 my daughter raised them to be independent people not without a lot of hardship and ups and downs They see each other occasionally but are both independant adults with their own lives to lead now at 24 and 22 my grandson has just bought his first house and my granddaughter after Uni and a masters, is travelling for a year with her boyfriend for 6 months together and 6 months independently. She is clever and has it all mapped out down to her last penny
Of course it’s a wrench but the clinging has been about you not them Step back find some friends some hobbies and don’t keep the youngest one at home too long if the middle one is 30 I guess the youngest is mid to late 20s encourage him to be off
Let them go
I remember an old Chinese proverb that went something like this
The mother bird called the baby birds to the edge of the nest they were afraid, she called again, still they were afraid, she called a third time they came to the edge, she pushed and they flew.
Be the mother bird Anna

anna1960 Losing your husband must have been so hard on you all. It would be rather easy in my opinion to then become very tangled up with your sons and their needs and wants. Our children must fly the nest and we should be happy for them when they reach that point in life. The happiness should be the stronger emotion over missing them, this is what we worked for all those years preparing them for life. The first thing you need to do is reach out in an honest way and ask them how to make these relationships healthy again. Do not mention your feelings, hard as that may feel because I think you may have leant on them too hard emotionally in the past. Simply ask, what could be done to improve the relationship and let them know that you are ready to listen to reply. Then perhaps come to us for some support on how the reply makes you feel before you reach out again. You also must start looking for some happiness outside if the mother son relationships, as support network of your own. It can be all too easy to rely too much on adult children for needs that should be carried by friends or the partner you sadly lost. I wish you well of this, I hope you and your dear sons can find a path back together in a healthy relationship.

Maybe send him a hamper of treats, saying 'thinking of you'

That way it's not a direct contact and he'll know you're thinking of him.

Families eh? I’ve got one of those.
I’m so sorry anna1960 - I don’t know what to say or what advice to offer…… just hang in there.
I have 3, daughter and 2 sons. Daughter and middle son are very difficult. They don’t get along. I try not to interfere, because I know eventually, the fault will all be mine.
Some good advice here, regarding writing him a letter.
Good luck and best wishes

Someone once told me it’s the luck of the draw how your children turn out. I now know that to be true. Also our children never love us the way we love them and that’s how it should be. Some children will want to stay close. Others go their own way. We need to keep contact by messaging but have to accept the way they live their lives. Being a parent is so hard.

There is no purer or truer love than that of a mother for her child .

If one of my sons was out of contact and I found out he'd left his job I would be worried as well. However, you have reached out, and he has answered, albeit briefly. He has made no attempt to get closer, so I would follow his lead.

But I would ask my other sons to check on him. They should be worried about their brother as well, even if they are not as close as they once were.

Feeling for you.