Daughter thinking of moving back in with ex who threw her out a week for their daughter was born

Why are you getting texts from your daughter's ex?

I would block him from my phone and step out of this.

You do what you can but you can't force decisions from adults, they are free to make their own choices, and so are you.

A lesson I learned years ago to my cost...

KA the poster didnt say the ex was contacting her just her daughter.
I am so sorry for your problems but take them one by one.
Your sister, be there for her as and when needed when possible.
Your husband, have the talk, he is probably fed up about the situation with your daughter but can do nothing. Decide if you both want to work at getting your relationship on track, if not decide best way to go forward. Be brave.
Your daughter will do as she wants, you didn't know she was in touch for example. If she goes back to the lousy partner don't be her financial support, that stops, her decision, its about that couple working things out not you. They decide what sort if life they can afford. If you offer money etc you won’t be helping just enabling. Maybe when she does go back, you go away with your husband if possible, don't be so available, you need time to yourself for a while. Shes a grown woman, treat her as such.I daresay the relationship won’t last 3 months.

Thanks for your comments. Just to clarify, the ex contacted me directly. I’ve no idea why and I’ve no intention of replying. I hadn’t thought of blocking him as I never expected him to get in touch but I will do now.

I think that’s why it was such a shock - only last week my daughter was talking about putting in a claim for child support as he wasn’t giving her money voluntarily, and complaining about what a liar he is as she’d asked if he was planning on coming to see the baby and he gave her some bs about not having a working car (despite sending her pics of a new car he’d got a few weeks earlier!!).

If she’d spoken to me, it would still be a shock but this feels sneaky too like he’s trying to put blame on me for mot being supportive if that makes sense.

I’m definitely not going to interfere in her decision as she’s an adult who has to live her own life and make her own mistakes. It’s just hard to believe she’d even consider it.

Now the shocks wearing off it’s being replaced by anger - at him for just about everything, particularly messaging me when he has no right, and at her for letting him back in.

Firstly, completely understand your anger with daughter's ex but it's a totally wasted emotion so try to put it to one side.
Your daughter must be worried about her long term future. Looks like she now realises she'll need child support from the ex and she should pursue that through official channels.
How long can you offer her a home? Realistically (especially given you and your husband aren't getting along) - what are her alternatives if she can't live with you (or doesn't want to) - this could be key to her thinking about going back to him, the lack of alternatives. Investigate options short, medium and long term. She needs to at least begin to see an independent future.
So sorry about your sister, what a horrible time.
Have a talk with husband, what emotional support has he got? Work, friends, interests, how's his health?
I'm so sorry you're going through this, life's a bummer sometimes x

Well you are having a truly horrible time.
Do you have any really good friend that you could confide in? Your sister would probably have been very supportive but obviously can’t be at the moment and probably needs you to be strong for her too.
My DD’s husband left her a few weeks before her baby was born.
I said nothing horrible about him to her, kept right out of it, apart from being supportive of her of course.
After about 18months they got back together and since then they have had a good life and my grandchild has a mum and a dad living altogether in the family home.
My son in law didn’t, though, have the drug problem that your DD’s ex has and that adds another dimension to the relationship.
You have more than one dilemma here and they need different actions.
Your daughter is responsible for her own decisions, you can guide but can’t make those for her. As long as she knows that you will always be there for her you will have done what you can.
Think about yourself and how you want to go forward. It doesn’t need a big decision today or tomorrow. Think about it in your own time then start to take steps to make you feel secure and happy.

You say he's lost his house. Was the house in his name, was it privately rented or from the council? Where will he and your daughter now live? Personally I would make your disapproval clear to your daughter. I don't think she can expect you to spend your life on "standby" in case she wants to descend on you again with two young children in tow. Whilst you're offering her an easy option, she isn't going to make grown up decisions. I also rather suspect she's been the subject of endless angst and debate. Perhaps your husband is growing weary of it. Sorry, but I think some tough love is needed and you need to look after your own wellbeing.

I really don't know what to say but just didn't want you to feel alone.
My DD had a bad relationship for 10 years, eventually she saw him for what he was and kicked him out (fortunately it was her flat). After he had gone she found he had run up many pay day loans and not paid them back.

It wouldn't have made any difference if I had said anything about him to her so I kept out of it until she realised for herself that it wasn't going to work.

I hope your DD is not going back because she feels she has nowhere else to go. It is hard with a young baby. All you can do is be there for her if it fails.

Yes talk to your husband and find out what is going on with him. Maybe it is not as bad as you think. Maybe he has something on his mind. Men do tend to bury problems.

I am so sorry about your sister all you can do is visit when you can and offer support.

You have a lot on at the moment but do try to take some time out for yourself perhaps with a good friend you can offload to.
I am sending you hugs.

I am so sorry for the situation your daughter keeps putting you in and for all the other troubles that are hitting you, in battalions. You need to be a little less supportive of your daughter who is being incredibly unrealistic; it is time for some tough love and some hard questions. She has a baby she is responsible for and at present a stable home with loving people. Should she return to this selfish boyfriend where will they live and what will they live on? They have no home and no income and he is unlikely t to find any sort of stable employment; she is unable to work at present with a new baby and no visible means of child care. Would she trust him to look after the child while she works?

Don't threaten her or cut her off because she will make her own decisions but stop being so supportive. She has made her bed and been helped out of it several times by you; she is very vulnerable as a new mother, but you cannot keep on helping her and enabling her to follow the same disastrous path as she is achieving nothing and it is ruining your life .

Address the issue of your husband and your deteriorating relationship and do whatever you can to help your sister. You do have the cares of the world on your shoulders at this time and it is not fair. It is time for your daughter to face facts, grow up and put the needs of her daughter first before her wastrel boyfriend, and possibly consider the needs of her mother for once.

This is tough and has many strands to it you need to break it down into workable chunks
First I m very sorry about your sister and all you can do there is be supportive and loving and cry alone in the shower
Second the husband this is obviously not a new thing so now is not the time and place put it to one side for a later time when things are calmer
Thirdly the partner who obviously isn’t an ex at all She ll have to make her own mistakes I m afraid all you can do is keep a quiet eye on the baby do babysitting if asked, that way you can make sure the baby is fit and well clean and meeting the milestones. Where will they live if he’s lost his house? how will they live if he’s lost his job ? I would ask those questions of her before she goes ….simply because of the baby !

Who knows perhaps he ll turn a corner fingers firmly crossed

Thanks for all the replies, the support means a lot.
To answer a few questions- the ex is a farm worker so the house came with his job. He now has a new job over four hours away so presumably he has accomodation there. My daughter has said she’s no intention of moving that far away but last week she had no intention of getting back with him so who knows…

Unfortunately I have no one to talk to in real life. We emigrated 8 years ago - partly due to my husband’s family treating me badly while he stood by and did very little, and also because my mum and sister lived here (New Zealand) already. I’ve spent all that time prioritising my husband and kids’ happiness and done very little for myself. I also wfh so it can be quite isolating.
I have been going to counselling and have realising that I’m rubbish at setting boundaries so that’s something I’m working on. That and getting a life of my own in stead of prioritising people who, quite honestly, don’t appear to care one bit about my happiness. My husband is included there as all he cares about is his blood family and friends back home as I effectively ruined his life by forcing him to leave “everything he ever loved” - or so he told me a few years back, despite me telling him before we emigrated that we wouldn’t move if he didn’t feel comfortable with it and that I didn’t want him to feel forced into something he didn’t want to do. He told me at the time that it was his decision and that he also thought it was the best thing to do.

Until a few years ago my husband was my go to person but he has become so distant and uncaring. For example, last year my mum (who had dementia) took an unexpected turn for the worst. She lived a couple of hours away so I drove over to see her and was told that she’d deteriorated a lot and only had a few days left to live. I call my husband around 9pm to let him know and to tell him that I wouldn’t be home as I needed to be with mum and sort out end of life care. Fast forward to 1pm the following day and I hadn’t heard anything from him, not even a quick text to see how I was doing. In the end I called him as it had been a harrowing morning.
Thanks again for reading and being here, I appreciate every comment.

What a tangled situation, and it seems you are the anchor holding it all together, which is a huge challenge. Try to persuade your dd that her ex needs to settle in his new job and prove he means to change before agreeing to move. For a while she needs to just keep the channels open and test his sincerity.

Keep up with your counselling, it will give you perspective. Already you're seeing the benefits of that. Ideally your DD needs counselling too.

Is it possible to get a job not working from home? Being with others may be just the boost to your self-confidence you need.

Your relationship with your husband is worrying. He's been pretty blunt about the relationship, but do you really want to be with someone so negative and unsupportive? Tell the woman looking back at you from the mirror she's worth more than this!

You say you've done very little for yourself. Now is the time to start caring about what happens to you. Surprise yourself. Tiny steps, putting one foot in front of the other, walk towards a new beginning. I wish you all the luck in the world.

😪🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂😪

You have all my sympathy if that is any good to you at all.

You have been honest with your daughter telling her that you are shocked that she is considering moving back to this man, who, by your account, is a dead loss. You have also told her that it is her decision, and that you will support her whatever she does and whatever happens.

Please be proud of yourself - your daughter should not be in any doubt that you love her.

Next: take care of yourself. My sister died of an inoperable brain cancer, my husband of an inoperable malign tumour in his digestive system, so I know all too well what you are going through. To me it sounds as if you and your sister need each other right now, whatever her prognosis is.

I hope your other daughter is supporting you, as your husband obviously isn't.

Cold comfort, I know, but when you reach rock bottom, which is, I think, where you are now, there is only one way to go: UP, so I hope things soon get just a little better for you.

I’m so sorry that you are going through so much. But you need a life. It’s so draining and unfair. You need to sort out what is happening with your husband and maybe have a separation. Not easy because I’m
Also going through bad times right now.
It’s up to your daughter what she does next but be there for her and the baby- no matter what. Leopards never change their spots and her ex won’t have changed. I’ve been there before.
I’m so sorry about your sister. When my mam was dying I didn’t hear from my DH that whole day either. It hurt. I needed support and he wasn’t there. I’m learning to rely on just myself but it’s a tough one. Sending hugs.

Excellent words Sallyforth