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Friend with FND

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LibbyR Wed 23-Apr-25 10:34:34

I have a very dear and close friend who has recently been diagnosed with FND (functional neurological disorder), following a traumatic road accident. This has left her with one paralysed leg and a partially paralysed arm. She has also developed violent seizures as a result of the FND which are distressing for her and for the people who care about her. She is married but her partner is disabled so she was the primary carer, earner and generally ran the household. While she was in hospital I was making a 100 mile round trip at least 3 times a week to take her partner to visit her, now she is home I have popped in to see her a couple of times a week and generally done a few odd chores, picked up some shopping, cut the dogs nails etc. Her partner can manage around the house with chores like cooking and pushing the vacuum cleaner around but it’s clear that they are going to need a significant amount of help.

She is currently having carers in twice a day to help with her personal care however yesterday she asked me if I would consider becoming one of her carers. She explained this wouldn’t involve personal care but it would be things like accompanying her to medical appointments, being in attendance for things like solicitor and police appointments. There is a lot of things going on as the accident she was involved in wasn’t her fault so she is going to make a compensation claim and the police are still in contact with regards to the charges against the other driver. While I have been doing all these things for the last 9 weeks and I have done them gladly and willingly, I feel worried that formalising this arrangement will make me feel trapped and may ultimately affect our friendship as I would in effect be employed by her. She says she doesn’t have anyone else she would want to ask but I’m hesitant as I retired a few years ago and I enjoy my freedom, but it feels selfish to explain that I don’t wish to be at her beck and call when she is in such a dreadful situation through no fault is her own. Any advice would be appreciated

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blossom14 Wed 23-Apr-25 10:46:55

I had experience with this type of situation after my DD ( 23 at the time) had a road accident.
The solicitor dealing with her case advised a paid part time carer/companion while she was going through rehabilitation.
We did advertise at a nearby University but ended up with one of her friends. It ended up as a disaster after 6 weeks and she lost the friendship.
I would say no as kindly as you can.

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midgey Wed 23-Apr-25 11:01:39

Totally agree with blossom14, it is much better to have a proper business arrangement with a carer than employ a friend. That way there are very clear boundaries. Say no but gently!

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Elowen33 Wed 23-Apr-25 11:34:23

I understand her need to formalise this arrangement as with you doing these things voluntarily she cannot employ some else to do it but needs the security of knowing it will continue.

Maybe you could offer to help find someone else to do those jobs for her.

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Franski Wed 23-Apr-25 11:59:37

Definitely don't do this. Your freely offered friendship is priceless and mustn't be confused with being a paid carer. Such a sad situation but jumping into solve this problem will create another one xxxx. Take care

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Lathyrus3 Wed 23-Apr-25 13:10:23

If you’re retired it might not be beneficial to have paid employment any way. It could complicate the tax situation dreadfully.

It would need really thinking about even if it was something you felt happy about doing.

Personally I wouldn’t formalise it for a million pounds. You would have no freedom or life of your own.

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Shelflife Wed 23-Apr-25 14:41:54

Please don't do this , it would disturb the balance of your relationship. I understand how desperate your friend must be but you must think of yourself and your friendship!
Explain as kindly as possible how you feel about this and support her in finding a trustworthy carer You are already being a loyal friend to her and I am sure she appreciates that. Think very carefully indeed and good luck to you and your unfortunate friend. 💐💐

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Allsorts Thu 24-Apr-25 07:33:54

I agree with above comments. Can’t go into details but I did a very similar thing as I am a people pleaser, I had a young family of my own 2 children under 5 and a husband who said no from the beginning. She had no one else who would help even her parents in their 50’s and still working said no, so I said yes. Worst decision ever, ran into the ground trying to juggle everything and eventually after a couple on months had to give up, She was so annoyed with me and it was many years before she forgave me, I never had a penny for doing it as they had no money, not as it is now. Anything asked of me I say either I will have to check my diary or I will get back to you.

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Charleygirl5 Thu 24-Apr-25 10:48:59

I also say no. You live a fair distance away, so you cannot just "pop in " for an hour. I think it is one way of losing a friendship.

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