New Grandchild off limits for two weeks

oodles

Mothers are home so soon from hospital nowadays, back in our young day it wasn't unusual for mothers to stay in hospital for maybe 10 days, and visiting time was very limited. It's a big ask for a new mother who might have spent many hours in labour and is working on establishing breastfeeding, has a sore tail end, and is bleeding a lot (from where the placenta was attached, which is more or less plate sized) to have lots of visitors who do often want to hold the baby even when he wants to breastfeed. Some have had caeaarians on top of labour too so are also recovering from major abdominal surgery, and possibly a general anaesthetic.
Nowadays even if a ba y is being formula fed it is encouraged that ideallythe parents feed the baby his bottle for at least the first few months and use the paced bottle feeding technique. When you listen to new mothers it is not uncommon for grandparents to make things harder for them as they adjust to parenting their new baby, wanting to feed him if bottle fed or criticizing mum for breastfeeding if she has chosen to do that. I have even heard of grandparents who want to take the baby so mum can get on with getting them a cuppa, or doing the washing up, or put the washing on, they leave it to the parents to do the sterilizing of the bottles and teats if they are using those.
When I hear some of the stories that new mums tell of visitors who have behaved selfishly I quite understand why they sometimes want to have a babymoon. Some grandparents I've heard of expect mum to go into a other room to breastfeed!
The best sort of visitor comes to see mum primarily and baby secondly, comes armed with meals the parents can just stick in the microwave/ oven, and maybe brings it in a disposable dish, brings lots of nutritiius snack foods that mum can just grab, and makes her a cuppa, offers to wash up and pop a load of washing on or fold dry laundry, or whatever mum needs, if she goes for a quick shower she needs to trust that you'll let her know if the baby needs her.
Does your DIL have a freezer, could you make the family some dishes that can d be defrosted if baby is having a fussy day?
DIL knows her mother will be there to support her and make life easier for her, and will feel comfy being in her night gown with her, but doesn't know that you will do likewise. If you show her that you understand it will be good for your relationship going forward and you have years to come as a gran to look forward to, look at the long term as well as the short term.

As this gran to 8 I wholly agree. No longer do new mums have the luxury of a week plus in hospital to recover and get the hand of breastfeeding etc. of course they want and need , let alone deserve , time to recover and be alone with their precious new person. These grandparents act like a two week delay is remotely meaningful in the long run , now that is precious is you ask me.

In five-ten years DIL and son will be complaining that the grandparents seem to be more attached to their other grandchildren. In the meantime they will have set up complicated visits and hoops for you to jump through.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander, surely

Either I am very lucky with my DDs and their DHs and in-laws or I was/am a wonderful DM myself but I had no problems at all with the births of my two DGCs. Mind you we don't have a large family (few to start with and all GGPs deceased) and we do have an excellent relationship with DD's in-laws, all of which must help. My DD and her DH were so over the moon with the births of their two DCs that they couldn't wait to show them off.

It was just natural to see them early, but I can't honestly recall whether it was the actual date of birth or even the following day. What I do recall was the wonderful eyes of our first GC apparently watching me intently and responding to my soft cooing (of course he wasn't really) but that will stay with me forever.

My younger DD has yet to become pregnant with her first child and lives 200 miles away, but I am packed and ready to go!

With my elder DD and family I would never interfere with anything at all that she did cos I have the utmost respect for her and her DH, and I know that if she were to ask me to stay away it would be because she genuinely needed to do that, and not because of any current fad.

As I said, maybe I'm just lucky and I feel for all of you who have been upset by your children's choices.

I don't think it's right to take the view that it's only their choice that is important - I think ALL the family members are important in life. You never know when you will need them.

Think it is not think tibia

I think tibia a new thing, our youngest grandchild is 15 so we haven’t experienced this.

Let them!
You can’t change what anyone else does, how they feel, how they think, or what they decide to do.
Let them.
I was listening to a podcast recently on this subject. And it made blinding sense to me.
Just let other people be who they are. Once you let the who they are they will soon reveal to you what they’re about.
And once you realise who they are you can then make decisions in the future to suit yourself and to benefit yourself.
There must be millions of parents, particularly those of sons, who experience this kind of thing.
And I can understand how it can set up a lifetime of hurt feelings, resentment and sometimes even a breakdown of relationships.
Just let them do what they want to do and live their life the way they want to live it.
Don’t let things be a competition with the other lot of parents.
When you do get to see this baby, just be delighted and interested and enjoy it.
If you ever get a chance, google the ‘ let them theory’ and read all about it - it can change your whole approach to life. It has changed mine. Good luck!

oodles

When you listen to new mothers it is not uncommon for grandparents to make things harder for them as they adjust to parenting their new baby, wanting to feed him if bottle fed or criticizing mum for breastfeeding if she has chosen to do that. I have even heard of grandparents who want to take the baby so mum can get on with getting them a cuppa, or doing the washing up, or put the washing on,

Did you know my mother?

I hear this kind of thing more and more these days. Is it a another "entitlement" thing with today's generation like not wanting to go to the office when called in because they've got used to working from home?

I've never heard of such a thing! Hospital is so boring I expect she'll be glad of visits when the time comes. Mind you, all I can remember about when my 2nd child was born was how tired I was. A friend brought her entire family round and stayed ages, and my husband went out to the shops, leaving me with no way to get rid of them. I do hope things get a bit more relaxed when baby arrives.

When our first grandchild was born, I found I'd forgotten how to hold a baby! At his christening, his other granny grabbed him and kept hold of him for most of the service! I have to say, I did feel a bit pushed out at that point.

Mothers are home so soon from hospital nowadays, back in our young day it wasn't unusual for mothers to stay in hospital for maybe 10 days, and visiting time was very limited. It's a big ask for a new mother who might have spent many hours in labour and is working on establishing breastfeeding, has a sore tail end, and is bleeding a lot (from where the placenta was attached, which is more or less plate sized) to have lots of visitors who do often want to hold the baby even when he wants to breastfeed. Some have had caeaarians on top of labour too so are also recovering from major abdominal surgery, and possibly a general anaesthetic.
Nowadays even if a ba y is being formula fed it is encouraged that ideallythe parents feed the baby his bottle for at least the first few months and use the paced bottle feeding technique. When you listen to new mothers it is not uncommon for grandparents to make things harder for them as they adjust to parenting their new baby, wanting to feed him if bottle fed or criticizing mum for breastfeeding if she has chosen to do that. I have even heard of grandparents who want to take the baby so mum can get on with getting them a cuppa, or doing the washing up, or put the washing on, they leave it to the parents to do the sterilizing of the bottles and teats if they are using those.
When I hear some of the stories that new mums tell of visitors who have behaved selfishly I quite understand why they sometimes want to have a babymoon. Some grandparents I've heard of expect mum to go into a other room to breastfeed!
The best sort of visitor comes to see mum primarily and baby secondly, comes armed with meals the parents can just stick in the microwave/ oven, and maybe brings it in a disposable dish, brings lots of nutritiius snack foods that mum can just grab, and makes her a cuppa, offers to wash up and pop a load of washing on or fold dry laundry, or whatever mum needs, if she goes for a quick shower she needs to trust that you'll let her know if the baby needs her.
Does your DIL have a freezer, could you make the family some dishes that can d be defrosted if baby is having a fussy day?
DIL knows her mother will be there to support her and make life easier for her, and will feel comfy being in her night gown with her, but doesn't know that you will do likewise. If you show her that you understand it will be good for your relationship going forward and you have years to come as a gran to look forward to, look at the long term as well as the short term.

I am so sorry for you. It’s awful what society has done to convince new parents that grandparents should stay away and not see their new grandchild!!
I don’t have any answers for you but never happened in the 70’s. Everyone came the house was full. Your daughter in law and son are selfish and quite thoughtless. It’s the best time when a new grandchild arrives. I hope the same is done to them when it’s their turn!

I dont know what I would have done without my Mum coming to my house during the day the first week of my first born. I had spent 10 days in the maternity ward (not a C Section) this was back in 1971 when 10 days was the norm after a birth. My lovely Mum was so much help to me to get me into a routine and how to handle some difficult times. My mother-in-law wouldn't have wanted to, she didn't even do that for her own daughters. My father-in-law did. As my first born was also the first grandchild on both sides thing were a little play by ear that time. I understand the two weeks of just the three of them, Mum, Dad and Baby but it should be for everyone if thats what they are going to do. No exceptions.

I’m so sorry, OP -yes, it’s a ‘fashion’, supposedly so that they all have time to ‘bond’.
Personally I find it incredibly precious, and very sad. My dd was very happy for us to meet and cuddle all 3 within just hours of birth. And I was always only too pleased for anyone to come and admire my new babies!

For the sake of peace and harmony I suppose you will just have to go along with it, though.

It’s not something I, nor my own children did, but I see why new parents might want time to adapt.
We were very much last in the queue to see a new grand-niece. No photos, nothing. We didn’t have a problem with it until we learned that that the World and his Wife seem to have been constant visitors almost from her birth. It stings a bit, but at least we know now where we stand in their grand scheme of things!

jocork I hope the OP is able to let this go and not let it affect her relationship with the new addition to the family and the new parents. Hopefully things will improve as time goes on.

Agreed. Early days, play the long game. Wait patiently.

My son and daughter in law are always very even handed with both sets of parents and I am very thankful for that. We often all go to stay at the same time and I've got to know the other grandparents well. When GD was very young the other granny went away with DiL when she had to attend a retreat and other granny looked after the young baby but baby was able to be breastfed as required. In those circumstances she was the obvious choice and I didn't feel in any way left out.
I was lucky enough to be invited to a big gathering of DiL's family before she was even married to my son and I was very much welcomed by all her aunts, uncles and her own granny.
It is very sad when grandparents aren't treated equally and become competitive and I'm so glad I'm not in that position.
I hope the OP is able to let this go and not let it affect her relationship with the new addition to the family and the new parents. Hopefully things will improve as time goes on.

Macadia

Im not inhumane. I just had a huge, very strange family and I dont like them. They didnt even know if and when I gave birth. I never knew my grandparents. The family I created is very close and loving and I cherish them every day. However, I, personally will not be crowding any of them in a hospital (or their homes) IF a grandchild comes along.

And the trouble is, when you 'rewrite the script' which is what you're doing, you may lean so far in the opposite direction to create the opposite of your 'strange family' that your children, when older, will run a mile away from your tight clutches.

Suggest you read about trauma and consider counselling /therapy. The estrangement threads on here offer many sad examples of misunderstandings and well meant strategy gone wrong.

If I were having a baby, I would want my mum close by but never my mother-in-law.

Tiggersuki

So sad. I was asked 10 years ago not to visit for at least 3 weeks. In the end I gave up waiting and took a train up to London (we live Devon and they live Hertfordshire) and stayed in a hotel and just took another train to them and stayed just a few hours. Only grandson and only son. My son's reason was it was a difficult birth going on for hours and DIL needed a stitch,just the one! I had highlighted forceps and a row of stitches after a gruelling birth!
We have still not been allowed to babysit ever or have grandson to stay. They follow some American led child centred approach which has brought plenty of problems of its own.
In hindsight I wish I had been more pushy but too late now I fear.
Good luck

I find this so absolutely shocking. I cannot imagine imposing myself in this way.

Sadly this resonates of the adage 'a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter's a daughter all her life'. I knew as I started reading that you were the paternal grandmother. It is unfair and your son should have ensured parity, however it is what it is. M-in-laws just have to suck it up, kill with kindness and try not to be resentful.

I remember a time when only the lady giving birth was allowed to be present, and you were in hospital for 10 days with only the husband allowed to visit. Now it seems an entire guest list needs writing for the birth.

I had this with one of my daughters in law and when we saw the grandson finally he was being cradled by my son’s friend who was staying at there’s . We hired a travelodge several miles away and following her organising a huge picnic on a hill got all weepy and tired then it was made clear we were not to see them the rest of the stay . The next time booked a TL when baby 2 was 3 weeks old - BUT - was called over as a emergency due to the daughter in law and both her parents yelled , screamed and threatened my easy going son so much he was on the brink of a breakdown . D in L got scared , parents banned from the scene , the whole road heard it and cross on behalf of son , I was summonsed had bag in car and set off immediately for 6 hr journey to support them . Was there for 3 and half weeks and her parents not allowed to visit . How the tables can turn !

As an ex district midwife I like the idea of a visitor ban, sometimes I could hardly get in the room to visit. A bit of quiet is essential. I think that close family ar more likely to provide Essen help. especially grandparents. Getting rest for mum would come higher up my list of priorities

I understand that you're upset but you have to grin and bear it. Their child their rules and quite right too. I think it's also a good idea for new parents to have time alone with new baby to get into a routine of sorts and to really enjoy the new baby without having to bother with visitors however close.
Also as it's your dil and not your daughter then I think you might have to get used to a sort of second place as it's natural she will turn to her mother for help. Mind you I would never have wanted my parents at the birth of my child but perhaps she's quite a needy daughter?