New Grandchild off limits for two weeks

When my first child was born, I didn't want anyone to touch him other than my husband and, sorry OP, my own parents. I think it's a protective instinct. I didn't enforce that need but I wanted to very much. I didn't realise I'd feel that way so it wasn't a plan made before the birth.

So sad. I was asked 10 years ago not to visit for at least 3 weeks. In the end I gave up waiting and took a train up to London (we live Devon and they live Hertfordshire) and stayed in a hotel and just took another train to them and stayed just a few hours. Only grandson and only son. My son's reason was it was a difficult birth going on for hours and DIL needed a stitch,just the one! I had highlighted forceps and a row of stitches after a gruelling birth!
We have still not been allowed to babysit ever or have grandson to stay. They follow some American led child centred approach which has brought plenty of problems of its own.
In hindsight I wish I had been more pushy but too late now I fear.
Good luck

It seems to be a common practice with new parents although I feel for the OP, as the other grandparents will be allowed to visit. I’m eternally grateful my son and his partner were happy to share their baby from a few hours after the birth.

Luminance

No wonder many mothers feel like they are just incubators for the grandchildren

Yes a few weeks is hardly a lifetime. In fact it’s practically nothing. Give the new mum and new little family a moment to get their legs under them, to establish a routine, to learn to eat for heavens sake. Give the new mum a few weeks to recover and feel a bit herself again. The old adage “it’s not about you” comes to mind

Rosie51

I didn't know you were a trained midwife Luminance. I do hope you don't scare all your expectant mothers with reference to a dinner plate sized wound that can lead to death as being par for the course.

I'm a nurse, not a midwife and it is common knowledge if you have ever looked into understanding birth and how to take care of your body afterwards. Of course I am all for women understanding the process of what happens to their bodies during and after birth. There is important after care advice to follow and signs and symptoms to look out for should anything not be healing as it should. Why would you want to keep women ignorant of information pertaining to them?

I didn't know you were a trained midwife Luminance. I do hope you don't scare all your expectant mothers with reference to a dinner plate sized wound that can lead to death as being par for the course.

Rosie51 actually no, that is correct, the placenta does leave a large wound behind and that is why it is important for the uterus to contract down properly and stop the bleeding. That wound can be fatal.

Lathyrus3

I’m still flummoxed by all the intense feeling about a couple of weeks. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I know. At 2 weeks old it will still be a newborn baby

Presumably two weeks is to allow a routine of feeding/changing or to establish breast feeding in private.

Im not inhumane. I just had a huge, very strange family and I dont like them. They didnt even know if and when I gave birth. I never knew my grandparents. The family I created is very close and loving and I cherish them every day. However, I, personally will not be crowding any of them in a hospital (or their homes) IF a grandchild comes along.

I’m still flummoxed by all the intense feeling about a couple of weeks. 🤷🏽‍♀️

MercuryQueen

Simply put, your DIL is the patient. It’s highly unlikely that you have the same relationship with her that she does with her own parents.

I think it’s very telling that the only concern you have is getting access to the baby. Nothing at all about your DIL, who will be going through a major medical event and left with a dinner plate sized internal wound after, at the very least.

who will be going through a major medical event and left with a dinner plate sized internal wound after, at the very least.

I don't know where you did your midwifery training but that is so falsely dramatic and inaccurate. Do you impart this level of fear into every pregnant woman you meet? The vast majority of births require no medical intervention at all and are a normal, if extremely strenuous, natural process. I wonder how the women in remote third world areas manage.......

You can buy little hanging things for the buggy telling people no touching! Maybe buy some for the expected baby to show you respect their view. Keep the channels of communication open.

This does appear to be normal for modern mums and is now recommended by midwives. The new mum wanting her mum around is understandable. Try not to be hurt. You can support your son and the new family, without contact with the baby. Tread carefully. This is a long game. I remember my daughter’s mother in law commenting on how I picked up our shared grandchild when he cried but she felt she had to ask before doing that. Now they are very close and I sometimes feel left out! How lucky are our grand bubs having people who want to love them so much.

Macadia

Granmarderby10

If these young parents think they are an island let ‘em get on with it.
It is nothing more than a fad that has been nurtured by social media. Yes babies are precious but so is wider family.
Before long they’ll come to realise the value of having willing Grandparents/aunties etc.

I disagrwe. Its not a fad. Its not social media. Relatives are not as precious as the conception of a new life. There is no value in having grandparents and aunties but there is a value in having strong powerful bonds with people who look out for the child and in their best interest. As an infant - no not needed, if the baby has a decent mother.

Wow. I'm actually lost for words at that. What happened to 'it takes a village to raise a child'? No value in having grandparents and aunties, but value in strong bonds with people who look out for the child? Do grandparents and aunties not do just that?

I do not think the presence of supportive loving family prevents bonding.

Smarter

Macadia

Its not a fad. Grandparents have already raised their own babies and need to get on with their elderly lives and leave these new mothers alone and in peace. They dont need your help or advice. If they need help, they shouldnt have bred in the first place. Adulthood. Its an actual thing.

It isn't about "raising" the grandkids. It's about loving and enjoying new family members.

With your attitude, why not toss away a sister or brother, sure, grew up together but now....adulthood! No need for old baggage of our youth. Adious family!

Does adulthood mean just tossing old family members to the wind? Gee, got my own kids now, bugg off mom, dad, sis, my family, who needs you when I made my own new family! Right?

Your'e all just old news, skiddadle now and go die for all I care.

I mean, seriously, wow, sounds just so self centered and ungrateful. Or worse......inhumane.

Frankly this is an over reaction or reductio ad absurdum. The new parents want 2 weeks, not 2 months or 2 years to be alone and bond with their baby.

The bonding is for the early days of infancy, not a lifetime. On the other hand the failure to build a bond with the baby can damage the adult. I have seen this in my own extended family and do any of you remember those Roumanian children found in orphanages, tied to their cots and deprived of adult cuddles and love? Almost without exception they grew up with severe mental health problems.

The majority of families are happy and close and just take this new trend for a quiet time after the birth in theor stride, although I can see how this incident is unkind and selfish.

Macadia

Its not a fad. Grandparents have already raised their own babies and need to get on with their elderly lives and leave these new mothers alone and in peace. They dont need your help or advice. If they need help, they shouldnt have bred in the first place. Adulthood. Its an actual thing.

It isn't about "raising" the grandkids. It's about loving and enjoying new family members.

With your attitude, why not toss away a sister or brother, sure, grew up together but now....adulthood! No need for old baggage of our youth. Adious family!

Does adulthood mean just tossing old family members to the wind? Gee, got my own kids now, bugg off mom, dad, sis, my family, who needs you when I made my own new family! Right?

Your'e all just old news, skiddadle now and go die for all I care.

I mean, seriously, wow, sounds just so self centered and ungrateful. Or worse......inhumane.

eazybee

The point, Luminance, is that the prospective parents have decided to allow the wife's parents to be present in the hospital, (hard to believe they will not be allowed to see the baby) but deliberately excluded the husband's parents for a fortnight, which is causing unhappiness before the child is born.
Exclude both sets if necessary, but one brief visit from two sets of grandparents isn't going to disrupt this much-hyped bonding process.

Hyped is right! Breastfeeding too....supposed to be a huge bonding thing. Well, it doesn't last. Later in life, they just don't care about that bond.

*disagree

(I disagree with my spell checker)

Granmarderby10

If these young parents think they are an island let ‘em get on with it.
It is nothing more than a fad that has been nurtured by social media. Yes babies are precious but so is wider family.
Before long they’ll come to realise the value of having willing Grandparents/aunties etc.

I disagrwe. Its not a fad. Its not social media. Relatives are not as precious as the conception of a new life. There is no value in having grandparents and aunties but there is a value in having strong powerful bonds with people who look out for the child and in their best interest. As an infant - no not needed, if the baby has a decent mother.

Its not a fad. Grandparents have already raised their own babies and need to get on with their elderly lives and leave these new mothers alone and in peace. They dont need your help or advice. If they need help, they shouldnt have bred in the first place. Adulthood. Its an actual thing.

Septimia

I do think this current fashion of the "isolation" of parents and baby is a bit OTT. It didn't happen in the past but they usually managed to bond OK. My DS went into SCBU and I couldn't get down to see him on my own so waited for my parents and DH to visit a few hours later and accompany me - so my parents saw him pretty soon after his birth. In-laws (further away) were invited to visit ASAP.

But, to be fair, everyone is different and entitled to do things their way. What the new parents don't take into account is the excitement of the grandparents. Perhaps the answer is to let the grandparents have an early brief visit and plenty of photos before parents and baby have a quiet 2 or 3 weeks on their own.

And, of course, while some grandparents can be interfering, many have experience that is useful (as long as they wait until they're asked for advice...)

I think perhaps it’s that the new parents rightly realize is that the grandparents “excitement “ is theirs to manage. Let this be a first and early lesson for thre grandparents that they are extended family now

After my first GC was born we were invited to visit in hospital. I am NNEB trained and adore babies! However on that occasion I must admit in that moment my priority was my DD , I wanted to know she was ok and give her a ' well done ' hug - I then transferred my attention to my newborn GC. I needed to know that my ' baby ' was ok!

We have two daughters in law, very different characters and with varying world beliefs. For both it was important to them that we met their babies as soon as possible after birth. They wanted to share the joy they felt. We wanted to see our daughter in law and son and meet our grandchild .

For two babies it was the day of their birth. Our third grandchild was very poorly and it was some days before they were back with their mum at which point we were invited to the hospital.

In all cases the maternal grandparents had been with the their daughter and the baby before us, it was only a matter of hours not two weeks and seemed as it should have been We were included and felt welcome. Each was a very happy time with treasured memories. Were we lucky or is that the more usual approach?

I understand why poppyandgigi would wonder why the two week boundary was in place for them and feel hurt by this. For myself it feels unnecessary, a quick hospital visit would not stop any bonding process between the baby and their parents. It also allows the grandparents to see that their son and daughter in law are OK. That’s important too. I’m very grateful our experiences were inclusive.