New Grandchild off limits for two weeks

I can understand you feeling sad and you are allowed your feelings. Please do not take it personally. Do not let on how you feel ... it is an emotional time and things said now will stick and could taint your future relationship with this family.

Take a deep breath, go with the flow and recognise it as a trend about which you can do nothing.

You need to play the long game here.

I am sorry you have had this hurt to deal with.

Would the grandparents agree to a quick visit or take control ?
we don’t know the families yet judge one couple.

I wonder what the OP’s relationship was with DIL before the pregnancy ? How close do they all live geographically and was the instruction regarding seeing the baby conveyed by the DS or DIL?
I am a mum to 2 DD and I also have a very good relationship with all their in-laws. None of us see grand-parenting as a competition fortunately but I can understand how hurtful it would feel to NOT see a grandchild whilst another relative was allowed to.
Perhaps the OP could enlighten us about her relationship with her DIL prior to the pregnancy, maybe,by reflecting on that the OP might recollect a reason for DS and DIL decision.

merlotgran

Even the Messiah was allowed visitors.
It just a baby for heaven’s sake, not the second coming.

She needs to get over herself!

It's a new generation of self centered narcissts......

Curlywhirly

Their baby, their choice, and I'm sure the OP realises that it wouldn't go down well go complain. However, to invite one set of grandparents to the birth and insist that other set wait 2 weeks is rather cruel. I wasn't a fan of my MIL (to put it mildly) but I was always welcoming and wouldn't dream of treating her so unfairly. And, to be honest, if I'd have suggested that she wait 2 weeks, my own Mum would have had a quiet word with me!

That's because your mum had class. And empathy. Two things this generation has none of.

eazybee

Nothing wrong with the new parents wanting a few days with their newborn, but to invite one set of in-laws to be present at the birth(?) or perhaps just at the hospital, while deliberately excluding the other is tactless to say the least, and they should both be ashamed of their unkind behaviour.

Tactless. Agreed. And a bit on the cruel side.

rafichagran

Oh how precious and stupid, her parents are going to be there. I think your son could have a better backbone and told her that it is his child as well and you will be welcome.
I find this couple pathetic at best and nasty at worse. To be fair I was not at the birth of any of my Grandchildren and I was thankful for it, but I was able to see my daughters son, my Grandson hours after his birth.
Please don't feel to badly OP you have 5 other Grandchildren and this did not happen so you know it is not anything you have done.

Here now, an honest person armed with truth. Thank you!

merlotgran

Even the Messiah was allowed visitors.
It just a baby for heaven’s sake, not the second coming.

She needs to get over herself!

Totally agree.

When will some of these new, modern young parents realise to the rest of the world it’s just yet another baby, and apart from close family, such as GP’s, no one else is that bothered?

Which is why it’s a shame that they are forbidden a quick visit to meet said GC, then leave them all to get on with the ‘bonding’ which seems so vital nowadays.

Becoming a parent didn’t seem to be such a drama years ago, no wonder everyone has issues with anxiety, depression, goodness knows what else, parents and children alike.

Littlebea02

Personally I think that’s just plain hurtful there’s no getting around it that causes hurt. I wonder why it’s OK for a grandparent to say to their daughter or son you have hurt me deeply or my feelings are hurt are we allowed to talk like that these days or do we just sit back and let them do what they want to do because they’re adults-i’m still in the midst of don’t know what to do because I to get hurt and swallow my feelings with my daughter and her partner justifying it by keeping the relationship as good as I can. Still hurts!

I know what you mean. Adult children today are quick to estrange if a parent isn't an unemotional mindless "support machine"

Perhaps someday, let them know, I plan to. However, don't expect selfish people to care, in the end. But a little revenge isn't a bad thing and personally plan to not leave anything when I'm gone. Why reward bad behavior? Meanwhile, protect your own interests, which I am assuming it's the grandkids. Do what you must to protect yourself. Then later on, let they know what they have done. It may explain alot when you dissappear out of their lives.

Luminance

For myself, part of being a good grandparent is caring for the mother and her needs. I have sons only. Those first 2 weeks are hard for new parents. I think we forget all too easily. Not to mention how many women struggle with post natal depression, some while quite unaware. New parents are rather sensible to take advice on learning their tiny babies needs before allowing their day to be full of visitors who tend to be more interested in the baby than the parents. Let them do what is right for them.

This is extremely logical. What is not logical is that the other set of grandparents are allowed, and who knows else, just not the husband's parents. So to me that negates any of the typical reasons.

Curlywhirly

Their baby, their choice, and I'm sure the OP realises that it wouldn't go down well go complain. However, to invite one set of grandparents to the birth and insist that other set wait 2 weeks is rather cruel. I wasn't a fan of my MIL (to put it mildly) but I was always welcoming and wouldn't dream of treating her so unfairly. And, to be honest, if I'd have suggested that she wait 2 weeks, my own Mum would have had a quiet word with me!

Me too. And my husband. And I would have deserved it if I was so selfish like that. But men these days do not stand up to their wives anymore. Problem with that is over the years it can catch up with them and then women wonder why their man took off with someone else.

Well we all know it’s up to them , no need to even have to bring that up , but it’s totally over the top and selfish of them ,being that her parents are at the birth . I bet if you treat that grandchild different to your others they wouldn’t like it , but they are very thick skinned so they may not even care .

welbeck

It's up to them.
There are no rights in the matter.
The mother is doing all the hard and potentially dangerous work.
That's why it's called labour.
Whatever helps her to get through it in one piece.
Emotionally as well as physically.
She does well to keep any negativity or lack of proper respect at a distance.
Whatever her reasons she doesn't have to justify her decision.
People who can't accept that will be further distanced.
Her energies are for her health and nurturing the baby.

Sounds very selfish.

But, understandable IF this had to do with getting through those first two weeks of sleepless nights and wanting to bond with baby, and as a new family. We did this with our own, offered to help but made it clear, we didn't need to be there during the first difficult weeks.

However, it is clear, this is not a case of wanting privacy and bonding during the first two weeks....not if the other set of grandparents will be there. It is a case of exclusion and it's going to be a hard thing to overcome for these grandparents, as men do not stand up to their wives anymore.

I can only imagine if I told my husband back in the day that my parents were allowed to visit but not his........well, besides the anger, I would most definately be ignored. And I should be, if I was being that selfish.

Pappyandgigi

Our son and daughter in law are having their first child. We have been told not to come to the hospital, and that we won’t be able to see our grandchild for the first two weeks after her birth. We have five other grandkids and have never experienced this. Is this a new trend with parents? I need to add that my daughter in law’s parents will be welcome to be at the hospital during the birth.

Huge red flag! I would understand, if it was both sets of grandparents, that it might be a privacy or time to enjoy being a new family kind of thing. In fact, my husband and I almost insisted on not going over the first 2 weeks....we had told them, if you need us, call anytime and we will be there; we would love to visit but understand if you want some privacy at a very special but sometimes stressful time, knowing they would be up all night!

It worked out, they called and asked us to come,, sometimes they'd catch a nap while we were there too.

But this shouldn't just apply to one set of grandparents, or even friends if they are allowed to be there.

Seems there is a bias here. If your relationship is good with your son, I'm gonna take a stab at this is a DIL problem. And your son will no doubt do whatever she says, marriage and family are fresh right now and he won't want to risk it.

That sucks. Men today do not stand up to their wives, at all. Too scared.

You are looking at a future of being left behind for the other grandparents. Not sure what you can do other than try to get in good with your DIL....you will have to kiss up, go out of your way for her but even then, who knows if it will work.

Better get at it. Figure out ways to be better parents to her than her own, if that's at all possible. Your son might sympathise with you but in the end, he'll put his tale between his legs when it comes to preserving his new family.

I would, however, would not look the other way. Simply ask, have we done something, we feel exclusivly excluded in this wonderful time. Idk, tread causiously, but tread....don't let it look like you didn't notice. And start practicing the fine art of kissing butt. Unless it's ok with you to be a distant part of their lives, or it isn't worth the work to try......to each his own. But if it's important to you to be a part of their lives, time to plan.

Is that not what friends and internet forums are for? If someone has made the right decision for them what is the point of making them feel bad about it when they aren't doing it to hurt you? If you were to look at it a different way perhaps you could be happy for them instead?

Personally I think that’s just plain hurtful there’s no getting around it that causes hurt. I wonder why it’s OK for a grandparent to say to their daughter or son you have hurt me deeply or my feelings are hurt are we allowed to talk like that these days or do we just sit back and let them do what they want to do because they’re adults-i’m still in the midst of don’t know what to do because I to get hurt and swallow my feelings with my daughter and her partner justifying it by keeping the relationship as good as I can. Still hurts!

For myself, part of being a good grandparent is caring for the mother and her needs. I have sons only. Those first 2 weeks are hard for new parents. I think we forget all too easily. Not to mention how many women struggle with post natal depression, some while quite unaware. New parents are rather sensible to take advice on learning their tiny babies needs before allowing their day to be full of visitors who tend to be more interested in the baby than the parents. Let them do what is right for them.

It's up to them.
There are no rights in the matter.
The mother is doing all the hard and potentially dangerous work.
That's why it's called labour.
Whatever helps her to get through it in one piece.
Emotionally as well as physically.
She does well to keep any negativity or lack of proper respect at a distance.
Whatever her reasons she doesn't have to justify her decision.
People who can't accept that will be further distanced.
Her energies are for her health and nurturing the baby.

That’s so mean. I can understand her wanting it to be just her Mum at the birth, but to stop you from meeting the baby for 2 weeks is unfair. Your DS really should say something about it. Even if they said come around for an hour it would be something. Probably best not to challenge it though, your DiL sounds a bit precious.

I'm finding it hard to believe the other grandparents would be allowed in on the birth?
Surely it is fathers only? Maybe the mum's parents can visit after, but attending the birth seems a bit much to me.
Just go with it- the babe is tiny and will be around for the rest of your lives, hopefully.
Just look forward to being grandparents who can have cuddles but then go home! Leave the parents to all the hard work...

Were I you, I would accept this and move on with life. You could perhaps consider if there is anything the other grandparents do that you don't to be considered support during a stressful time for nervous new parents. I would say understanding their needs at this time would be a rather perfect start.

My niece in Australia recently had her first baby. No visitors for two weeks and any visitor had to have an up to date whooping cough vaccine. My niece sent out lots of photos so everyone could see the new baby, and she is beautiful.

I bet they’ve been going to National Childbirth Trust workshops. They hand out all sort of advice like that. I was given a list of things I couldn’t do. DIL’s family was allowed to see the baby but I wasn’t, which is probably what hurt the most as I didn’t want to hold the baby; just see him.

Some of the new ways of parenting are ridiculous. Too many books spouting absolute nonsense in my opinion.

I do think this current fashion of the "isolation" of parents and baby is a bit OTT. It didn't happen in the past but they usually managed to bond OK. My DS went into SCBU and I couldn't get down to see him on my own so waited for my parents and DH to visit a few hours later and accompany me - so my parents saw him pretty soon after his birth. In-laws (further away) were invited to visit ASAP.

But, to be fair, everyone is different and entitled to do things their way. What the new parents don't take into account is the excitement of the grandparents. Perhaps the answer is to let the grandparents have an early brief visit and plenty of photos before parents and baby have a quiet 2 or 3 weeks on their own.

And, of course, while some grandparents can be interfering, many have experience that is useful (as long as they wait until they're asked for advice...)