Walking on eggshells with my daughter in law

Yes, I hid my pregnancy at work for a good 5 months. My immediate boss knew, I felt it only fair to give her advance notice I was leaving, but she respected my request for secrecy.

With our first baby we told nobody at all until I was well over 5 months pregnant and starting to look somewhat plumper.

Nobody guessed.
Months three and 4 and most of 5 were cold - and I had a lot of baggy jumpers.

My mother was very "put out" that I hadn't told her.

My DD didn’t want to tell anyone until the 20week period had passed. Thinking about it, nor did I when we planned our last baby, we wanted all the tests to come back positive.

American?

Op

Everybody nailed it - your poor dil
Why call your dil weekly? Why not your son? He is the one you raised.

Please fix your relationship with your son, it is hanging by a thread.

Your dil is secondary here.

Well the good news is that despite your boorish behavior you’ve managed to raise a son that stands up or his vulnerable wife. He’s clearly a good husband and was entirely in thr right.

What on earth made you think you behaved appropriately? If she’s have had some news she wanted to share with you she’d have told you, youpuahy grandma wanna be.

Best case scenario. She is pregnant. But given her history of losses is absolutely terrrified of things going sideways. Was waiting to feel safer before announcing and under a huge amount of fear and stress over it after losing two babies. But you needed to know so you publicly put her on the spot and rather then shut down your fathers “loud” speculation and shushed his inappropriate question you played it up acting coy. You not only puked additional stress and fear onto your dil you stole her and your sons moment of being able to announce their good news when the day came they were ready. Yiu made yourself not a safe person , a trusted person and that will take time and acceptance of your wrongs to get over.

Worst case - she was not pregnant at all but simply gained a little weight and having a good night and you drew all this speculation and attention to a women who’s not pregnant has had two losses in the last nine months and desperately wants to be pregnant. How incredibly hurtful and obtuse can you be to find that an okay act ?

Even worst still - she is pregnant and it may not turn out to be viable again. Not only would they be facing another loss but they’ll be doing so after you drew so much attention to the fact with your “cute” shrug and coy behavior. And she now feels even more in the spotlight with her grief.

There is no light in which your behavior was appropriate. Over you may think it’s “out of excitement” but I assure you when the time comes for this couple to announce a pregnancy no one’s excitement will top theirs. Though given your behavior they may not include you in it. So take s huge step back Send flowers and a note sincerely apologizing for speculating and axnowleging how entirely out of line you were and then say and do nothing. Don’t ask them to keep you updated don’t feel entitled to know how her drs visit went simply take a huge step back and c C lose your mouth.

Your mistake was to mention your observation at a public gathering ..made worse as it was to a woman who has suffered two miscarriages.

Unless you look at your own behaviour in this mess and acknowledge your own culpability then there will be no resolution.Think carefully if you dont want to end up completely estranged.

Does "showing" mean put on some weight at the girth and got different makeup?

How very rude and hurtful. Your son sounds like a good husband.

Sorry but you sound as though you have been rather pushy with your DIL - especially as she has been dealing with losing two babies and trying to "out" a woman's pregnancy before she is ready to tell people, who has already suffered 2 miscarriages, is really nasty behaviour.

The poor DIL is probably terrified that she will lose this baby too and you are just trying to make it harder for her. Rule #1 is that you never ask about another person's pregnancy until they decide to tell you - even if you suspect.

She wanted to have her doctor's appointment to find out whether this baby has a heartbeat before telling people - but you decided to not only ask her directly but then played coy all night.

Once you have had a miscarriage pregnancy is never the same but a time of stress and worry that something will go wrong. I had three miscarriages which were devastating. I had a so called "friend" who tried to out me at a time when I wasn't ready to tell people and to be honest it ruined our relationship.

Having one miscarriage can be so devastating yet alone two. Most who have experienced a miscarriage don’t want to announce they are pregnant until they have got well past the three month mark and then live in fear of it going wrong until the baby is viable. You should have waited to be told and most certainly not have kept calling round. I can’t believe the crass insensitivity of it. Please take notice of all the comments on here and back off or you are going to end up estranged which I am sure you do not want. Just accept you are not number one in your son’s life anymore which is perfectly natural, and be patient. Wait to be invited, wait to be told. Don’t be an interfering old bat.

Madmeg what a nice respectful response.

All about you, by the sound of it. Back off and give the couple some space. To ask her if she “had some news” was appalling, how rude and insensitive. Your poor son must be so embarrassed by your awful pushy behaviour, they both deserve a genuine apology from you - then leave them in peace and stop butting in.

Oh dear. I think this is a case of families being different in many ways. Some known everything there is to know about each other, some are more private. Some get upset about life's problems and cope better by themselves, others prefer to talk about such issues and ask for support. Neither is wrong - just different.

My eldest DD married a man brought up in a very private family (who are all lovely people once I learnt that) while my younger DD married a man from a family that shares most things. As a result I treat them quite differently and we are all the better for it.

My eldest DD had an early miscarriage that devastated her and felt she needed to tell me all about it. She even wanted me with her at the hospital when she went for the diagnosis and subsequent treatment, but when pregnant with her first and second subsequent good pregnancies she did not tell anyone at all until the second trimester. My youngest DD has just started her fourth round of IVF (no previous pregnancies) and has told me every single detail of each one. I'm expecting a phone call on Friday with the results of the next stage. She's also kept her inlaws informed as well (it would likely be their only grandchild).

Your DiL was likely very distressed by her two miscarriages and needs to cope with it in her own way, and make any announcement about her latest pregnancy when she feels able to. You must respect that.

I recall my own situation 45 years ago of trying unsuccessfully for three years for my first baby and my DM asking if I was going to be "one of those career women" rather than having a family, and at the same time my MiL passing little comments about never having a grandchild. It seemed to me like a criticism from both of them at a time when I was feeling very vulnerable and emotional.

I would send your DiL a message (by whatever means you think is most suitable) to apologise for asking her about her pregnancy and say you have realised that it wasn't the right thing to do and that you should have respected her choice to tell people in her own time. Or maybe tell your DS and ask him to let his wife know you have apologised.

Agree with the majority but also the fact that you call her outspoken or is it simply that she has an opinion that is sometimes different to yours? Funny how that word is never used to describe men.

Your son is being respectful and kind to his wife, the most important person in his life now.

You should not have said anything, his wife may have just put on weight and asking if she is pregnant after 2 miscarriages was thoughtless and none of your business.

Well, we’re all different and so are families.Keep quiet for a bit, should blow over.Hardly a crime asking a DIL quietly if they’re pregnant but young people now have to keep everything a secret apart (from their 100 close friends.🤔)
DIL’s are a minefield and thankfully I only have DD’s.

You have been very insensitive! As for calling every week - I would have hated that. It's not that your DIL did' nt want to talk to you it was the regularity that she did not like. The anticipation that you were going to call!! That would have really irritated me. You have done a good job bringing up your son , he is now a married man and his wife takes priority - it's how it should be . You should apologize and back off. I wouldn't dream of ringing any of my AC on a very regular basis - step back before you lose your son and DIL.

apologise

I agree with the responses. Your relationship here is with your son, if you get on with in-laws that's a bonus but not a given.
In order to keep yourself on good terms with your son you have to back off and listen to what he's saying to you.
You did a great job raising a man who cares about his wife and will be a great dad too, hopefully.
Give yourself a pat on the back and get on with your own life and they will appreciate you more for doing so.

Well they have been try(ing) to have a baby. She’s miscarried twice and I called to check on her. That was a mistake because she told my son to me not to call her about it
I saw them at a family gathering and I noticed she was glowing and put on some weight. I knew right away she was expecting. I went up and smiled. I asked if she had some news to tell me quietly. Later my stepfather asked my mom if my daughter in law was pregnant because put on some weight out loud
Well you have understand my stepdad is hard of hearing so he talks loud. My mom looks at me and I felt it was not my place to say anything so I shrug my shoulders like I don’t know

OMG
It went from bad to worse, didn’t it?
The word “boundaries” might have been coined for situations such as this.

You need to back right off in your mind as well as literally.
Apologise for the incident at the party and say no more
But learn from this. .

Whena child, of either sex, partners up seriously, whether married or anything else. The parents immediately cease to be the most important person in that persons life.

As the bible says: For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This applies to all serious relationships.

You should not really have dropped in when they first married, unless you had first asked whether you could and given them a call in advance, but that is an easy mistake to make. But your later actions really suggest that you are completely emotionally cloth-eared.

Your DS and DDiL are an entirely seperate household made up of two people who grew up in different families and now they are married they will be building up their own family dynamic, some of their upbringings will be accepted, others ignored and they will introduce their own personal preferences.

Your son is handling this difficult situation as well as is possible.

As others have said, flowers and a nice card could help to redeem the situation and then whenever you wish to visit especially when they do succeed in having a baby, remember the parents will dictate how and when they want you to visit, always ask and always be complacent no matter what, and offer no childcare tips unless asked. Childcare has changed immeasurably since you or I were first time mothers.

I had a friend with a mother like you. in the end she and her family moved 20 miles away, somewhere difficult to reach by public transport (her mother did not drive) in order to reduce the number of times she just dropped by - and offered loads of 'helpful' advice on bringing their children up.

Also, be proud that your son is a protecting spouse.
You raised him.
He is obviously looking after her.

I think your son is doing what a good husband should do. He is protecting his No1 person (who is vulnerable at the moment) from the outside world.

I think you are maybe excited at the prospect of becoming a grandmother - but it is for the prospective mum to decide when to share her news (if she has news)...

Repeated miscarriages and the whole anxiety around this makes it deeply personal and private.
I think it fedls like an invasion of privacy to even raise it.

I'm sure you spoke from a place of concern but think you are right not to raise the matter again!

I think you were very insensitive towards her. She's had two miscarriages and you hinted she was pregnant in the middle of a family gathering? It is up to her and your son to decide when to tell people. Your story about your stepdad is irrelevant really. It sounds like an excuse. Your son, quite rightly, is supporting his wife. If you want to save this relationship with both of them, apologise and then stop making excuses for your behaviour.

MercuryQueen

Hang on.

You went up to your DIL and asked if she was pregnant? Seriously? Knowing that she’d already experienced two losses? You asked her in the middle of a party?

Wow.

I agree.

OP if you can take a look at what you did and see how insensitive and inappropriate it was in so many respects, and truly apologise, your relationship with your DIL might just stand a chance.

I’m horrified at what you did.